Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Playboy Offers J-Woww $400,000 To Let The Girls Breathe

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Every time a Jersey Shore member makes a hundred grand, an angel loses his wing. We apologize to the angels hurdling towards earth today after Playboy offered Jersey Shore star J-Woww $400,000 to pose nude for their magazine. Let’s see, nearly half a mill minus the $700 she spent on those implants…this woman is an economic genius! J-Woww aka Jeni Farley always did strike us (sometimes physically) as the secret brains of the JS operation. She’s frugal, never wasting more than 4 inches of fabric per shirt, and intelligent enough to know that we will stay tuned if there is even the slightest chance she will punch Angelina in the head. And despite her party girl life style, J-Woww has never shown the goods in front of a camera before. She was just waiting…waiting…for the exact right moment to unleash them.

J-Woww officially entered the Boner Zone-r after posing for Maxim this past summer, leaving a big market of JS fans who would like to know what the girls look like when they’re let out to breathe. Of course J-Woww wouldn’t be the first D-lister who rocketed up to the C-list by showing a little skin for Playboy, Heidi Montag and Kim Kardashian being the most prominent. We say, get that money girl. Get that money and use it to buy something nice for yourself, like a pre-ripped top, or some ice for  those knuckles. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Bad News, Pervs: Octomom Will Not Be Appearing In Porn For $500,000

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Sorry, perverts of the world: your deepest, unspeakable wish to see Octomom in flagrante delicto is not going to happen…at least not until she fails to get on Dancing With The Stars again next year. Reportedly Octomom Nadya Suleman turned down the $500,000 porn deal Vivid Entertainment offered her to appear in a film doing what men and women do when they love each other and/or a half million dollars very much. While Octomom acknowledges she needs quick capital due to the impending foreclosure on her house, she assures. “I’ll do whatever I can … as long as I’m fully clothed.” Ugh, and we though we had our Christmas shopping practically done for us!

The irony of all this is, Suleman has already spent the last few years and all the quarters she had in the kids’ college fund to turn herself (at least from the neck up) into a porn star. The bank is going to take away Octomom’s house, but somehow she still has the money to buy a new face that looks like Janice from the Muppet Show Band, except trashier. If Octo has money to transform her mug into a half-price Angelina knock-off, she’s probably dropped the change necessary to iron out the wrinkles left by her giant watermelon pregnancy as well. Those octuplets might be sucking dry Ramen out of their bottles, but we bet you can bounce a quarter off Suleman’s lower abdomen and have it ricochet back in your pocket. And that, we would pay good money to see.

by (@hallekiefer)

An Arrest Warrant & A Settled Lawsuit: Just Another Monday For Lindsay Lohan

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Just when the world thought she was going to stay clean (yeah, us neither ) Lindsay Lohan is headed back to the clink. Judge Elton Fox just issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan following a failed drug test last week. Lindsay acknowledged she hasn’t been keeping her nose clean on Friday, tweeting, “Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test and if I am asked, I am prepared to appear before judge Fox next week as a result..” We’re sure Lindsay will do much better in jail, where there are no illegal drugs at all, just laughter and sunshine milk. Right? RIGHT?

But with every cocaine-filled cloud there comes a silver lining…made out of money! While she might be getting stripped searched as we speak, Lindsay just settled her E*Trade lawsuit for an amount that reportedly left her “very happy”. Imagine how much met….we mean, how much clean sober living Lindsay can afford now! The suit was over an E*Trade Super Bowl commercial that featured a “milkaholic” baby named Lindsay, which Lohan, and everyone who has ever heard of Lohan, claimed was an obvious riff on the star’s trouble with substance abuse. We hope the promise of all that E*Trade money helps Lindsay sleep at night, though we doubt those prison cots are particular good for getting shut-eye. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Balthazar Getty And Wife Move Past The Biggest Hurdle To Marital Bliss: Sienna Miller

Every relationship experiences a bump in the road now and then, though most of the bumps aren’t hot, blond, and currently dating Jude Law. In a new interview, Balthazar Getty and wife Rosetta open up about Balthazar’s affair with Sienna Miller, which hit the tabloids in 2008. Says Getty, “Here’s the bottom line: It was a very challenging time for everybody involved.” Yes, it must have been very challenging to see how much sunblock you could slather on a topless Sienna Miller before the paparazzi got bored and boated away. “Rosetta is understanding enough and spiritual enough to let us try,” Getty explained, which makes us hesitant to bring up the fact that he also supposedly canoodled with Lindsay Lohan. Is any woman “spiritual” enough to deal with that hot mess?

Added Getty, “You can do two things in life when an obstacle comes your way: You can tackle it, or you can allow it to break you down.”  While it seems cruel to call Sienna Miller an “it”, we wish these two luck. And if things don’t pan out for them, we wish Rosetta would just tackle Sienna and snap her over her knee like a Thanksgiving wishbone already.

by (@hallekiefer)

LeAnn Rimes Wants Wendy Williams To Stop Making Fun Of Her Affair. Good Luck With That.

For a country singer, LeAnn Rimes doesn’t know much about cheatin’ hearts…or sneaking around. The singer is spitting mad that Wendy Williams mocked Rimes’ affair with Eddie Cibrian, saying “It’s all very sloppy.” Williams also took issue with Rimes’ calling Cibran’s sons “my boys”. Chastised Williams,”The boys have a mother, and her name is Brandi [Glanville].” If we were LeAnn, we’d just feel lucky Eddie’s ex hasn’t taken a baseball bat to our truck’s windshield, or some equally poetic revenge.

Rimes called Williams out after the comments, tweeting “I’m incredibly disappointed to see someone with that kind of platform use it for such negativity and could be so mean and judgmental about a situation they know nothing about”. Listen, this is Americah; if you are going to talk about your illicit affair in public, Wendy Williams reserves the right to rip you a new one. It’s in the Declaration of Independence, right where we doodled it in the margins.

Wendy isn’t the only diva putting his or her two cents in about LeAnn’s infidelity. Rimes’ ex Dean Sheremet chimed in to disagree with LeAnn’s version of their divorce, explaining “I was very content and satisfied. I put myself on hold to funnel all my creative energy into her career and our marriage… I was blindsided and shocked that she of all people would do this to the closest person in her life.” Next time you’re tempted to discuss sleeping around in Shape, LeAnn, just talk about your insane abs, not your inner most personal confessions. SERIOUSLY, those abs are sick.

by (@hallekiefer)

Like Mother, Like Daughter: Heidi’s Mom Joins The Overshare Parade

And you think your parents are embarrassing. Heidi Montag’s mom Darlene Egelhoff has a new self-help blog…and she has a lot to say about her terrible relationship with her daughter. Amid posts on high school volleyball games and Colorado corn soup, Heidi Montag’s mother’s blog Metamorphosis of a Mother includes tidbits like, “I always end up in the same place; my precious baby girl cut me out of her life completely, the ultimate pain. The one thing I don’t know if I can survive.” MOOOOOOOOOOM!

Egelhoff has had a notoriously rocky relationship with her daughter, stemming primarily from Heidi’s marriage to human fail Spencer Pratt. Says Egelhoff, “God knows my motives were from the heart and out of desperation to save her from what I felt was a destructive, dangerous path being influenced by people who were profiting and benefitting from her.” At one point things got so bad Speidi even called the police on Darlene, all because she gently pointed out that her daughter’s plastic surgery left her looking like Eric Stoltz in Mask.

Now, we don’t begrudge anyone their own personal blog; that’s how we met all our dear friends in Rikers! However, once your daughter has become famous for desperately wanting to be famous, we think it’s  best to keep your thoughts off the internet. Save it for the vision board, Darlene.

by (@hallekiefer)

‘Easy A’ Star Emma Stone Fake-Sexes Her Way To An Asthma Attack

We appreciate it when performers are committed to their craft, and there are few more committed than Emma Stone. What other actresses do you know who would have fake-sex so intensely that their throats start to close up? Okay, maybe Meryl Streep, but that’s it.

Emma Stone’s sex scene asthma attack happened during the making of her new movie Easy A, and required the actress to stop filming and breathe into an oxygen tank. Explained Stone, “I had a little asthma attack, without any prior knowledge that I had asthma, during the scene where we had to jump up and down for hours and hours screaming and yelling on the bed.” So basically Stone didn’t even have asthma before they shot the scene; she just acted so hard her lungs exploded.

Stone is understandably red-faced about the incident now, lamenting, “Oh, for the love, I can’t even simulate sex without dying!” The teen comedy featuring co-stars Penn Badgley and Amanda Bynes already looked hilarious; it sounds even better now that we know Emma risked passing into the next realm in order to get those faux-orgasm noises just right.

by (@hallekiefer)

Kim Kardashian Buys A Purse Worth More Than Your Life

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We hope you enjoyed the Top Ramen you ate at your desk for lunch, because it’s going to come right back up when you read about Kim Kardashian’s new $30,000 purse. That is not a typo; that’s a travesty. Apparently Kim Kardashian and mama Kris stopped by the Paris Hermes store to drop an obscene amount of dough on “an extremely rare crocodile-skin bag.” Or so the Hermes employees told them while discreetly ripping off the T.J.Maxx price tag tag.

The Kardashians didn’t stop at one bag, however. They also went on to buy six of the store’s signature “Birkin” bags, bringing the grand tote total up around the $100,000 mark. Whereas we carry our stuff in one of those eco-bags you buy at the check-out line at Target for a dollar. If we were a Kardashian, we could have 100,000 of them!

We know we were just giggling yesterday about Leo DiCaprio buying an expensive tortoise, but dang. The difference between a pricey pet and a purse that has the same annual income as the average American is pretty extreme. Besides, we all know that purse is going to end up squished under five pairs of salt-stained Uggs in the back of Kim’s closet, or Kylie Jenner is going to spill Sprite on it at a middle school dance. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Lindsay Lohan And Sam Ronson: We’re Doing This Again, Really?

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Only a month out of rehab and Lindsay Lohan already has a baby-stroller-proof Maserati, a hit Mexploitation movie in theaters and, according to sources, one new old girlfriend. According to a source, former flames Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are back together and closer than a Scram anklet on a freckled leg.  Says a friend of Lohan, “Lindsay and Sam started speaking as soon as Lindsay got out of rehab. They text constantly. It turned into something more, and they’ve secretly hooked up.” Oh, chicas, we don’t know about this. It sounds like you are both playing with fire(crotch).

La Lohan and Sam were always our favorite couple that weigh 130lbs combined, and it was beyond sweet when Ronson visited Lohan in jail. However, given the epic history of drink-hurling, punch-throwing and general dramatics their relationship produced, we have to politely suggest these two move on. But the source claims, “Lindsay’s crazy past behavior was the reason Sam ended things. But if Lindsay continues to do well, then it will be officially back on between them. At the end of the day, Sam still loves her.” One thing’s for sure: if these ladies start bumping uglies again for real, it’ll be all over Twitter the millisecond it happens. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Michelle “Bombshell” McGee Regrets Racist And Nazi Tattoos, Most Other Life Choices

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Just because you cover yourself in white power and/or Nazi tattoos, that doesn’t make you a racist you guys. Or at least in the mind of Michelle “Bombshell” McGee it doesn’t.  We think some tattoo ink may have seeped into her brain, though, because apparently Michelle McGee denies being a racist, despite the (permanent) evidence otherwise.

“Am I a racist? Absolutely not,” McGee claims in an interview, saying her WP (meaning white pride) tattoo is “something that I did in my late teens. Another huge, huge mistake that I deeply, deeply regret.” Right, in your late teens…when you were a racist. We might not be Sherlock Holmes here, Michelle, but we are putting the pieces together.

McGee also cops to having a swastika (now covered up) on her nether regions, which she describes as “Another stupid tattoo that I put on my body but unfortunately we all make mistakes.” Yeah, but most of us make mistakes like making our car payments late, not getting the emblem of pure evil inscribed right above our woo-hoos.

Michelle blames her small-town upbringing for instilling her with a whole slew of prejudices, all of which she claims to no longer have. Wasn’t McGee raised Amish? We guess being raised Nazi Amish would mess someone up so bad they would date Jesse James, but something tells us we aren’t getting the real story. If it’s genuine, we appreciate the fact that McGee can admit how totally morally bankrupt her body art is. In all likelihood, however,  girlfriend is probably just trying to make her name mean something other than “Sandra Bullock’s worst enemy, now with extra hate”. Either way, McGee has a long way to go to change our minds, and even more laser tattoo removal to pay for. [Photo: Splash News Online]