Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Leo DiCaprio Drops Cash On Exotic Pet, Starts Living Like The Crazy Rich Person He Is

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In every celebrity’s life, there comes a time when he or she gets tired of fine dining and gigantic penthouses, and finally starts acting like the crazy rich person they are deep inside. Usually mild-mannered and discreet Leonardo DiCaprio is simply the latest actor to embrace his inner diva and started dropping bank on insane items…like exotic pets.

Not happy just to date Bar Rafaeli, cruise around in yachts and own the best Lakers seats known to man, recently Leo DiCaprio bought a $400 tortoise while hanging out with Inception costar Lukas Haas, who we hope wasn’t pressured into getting one of his own, because he is not making that tortoise money just yet.

Leo picked out a 10-year-old Sulcate tortoise, which will grow to approximately 200 lbs and live for 70 years. Who would buy a gigantic, bizarre pet that their grandchildren will have to take care of? Oh right, a movie star. Ugh, and now the North American Reptile Breeders Conference and Trade Show is going to become so Hollywood. We can only pray DiCaprio goes totally off the deep-end with this and starts dragging that thing around Hollywood, having it star in films while his hanger-ons refrain from telling him the tortoise can’t act. You know, sort of like Christina Aguilera. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Coco And The Twins Dominate Fashion Week

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DIVAAAAA! Okay, we admit, we usually zone out when people talk about New York Fashion Week (we all buy our clothes at Target anyway; who are we fooling?). But if C-list celebs like Coco start making an appearance at shows, consider us the next Anna Wintour.  Taking the stage at the Sachika Twins Fashion Week runway show, Coco wore a stunning purple frock with a plunging neckline and her butt hanging out everywhere. While the rest of us would get arrested if we wore this outside, this is the kind of sophisticated gown Coco might wear to court…the Supreme Court.

The designers To-Tam and To-Nya Sachika have also dressed the likes of Nicki Minaj, suggesting their line is for the elegant woman who knows what she wants, and didn’t drop $8,000 on butt implants for nothing. A conspicuous lack of camel-toe in this look means Coco could easily wear this dress on a visit to the White House or the strip club. Husband Ice-T probably stood up and composed a spontaneous Elizabethan sonnet when he saw his wife saunter back up the runway. Because if there is one thing that will always be true: we hate to see Coco go, but we love to watch her leave. [Photo: Splash]

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by (@hallekiefer)

It’s Bebé Time For Penélope Cruz And Javier Bardem

Get married in July, announce your pregnancy in September: just how we like our celebrity parents! A rep for Kuranda, the actress’s talent agency, confirms that yes, Penélope Cruz and husband Javier Bardem are 4 ½ months pregnant with their first baby. The couple has been notoriously close-lipped about their personal life; Cruz and Bardem didn’t even acknowledge they had plans to get married until weeks after their wedding this summer.  If they could have it their way, we probably wouldn’t know about little Rafael or Lucia until he or she was in junior high. But the baby cat is out of the bag now!

Javier is currently in Paris promoting the Spanish film Biutiful, while Cruz is headed to London to finish shooting Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. We imagine a lot  of her scenes will have Penélope standing behind oaken barrels or waist-high piles of gold doubloons. Some people think babies can hear inside the womb, which means the first thing their kid will hear is Johnny Depp yelling in a pirate accent. All infants should be so lucky!

by (@hallekiefer)

Do Not Read This While You Are Eating: A Glimpse Into Vince Neil’s Love Life

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Guys, we are not joking.  This is not a drill. Please put down your Hot Pocket, burrito, or bowl of Captain Crunch, whatever it is you eat when you’re getting your celebrity gossip on. Given the number of insane stories we hear a week, you would think former Mötley Crüe front man Vince Neil’s groupie escapades would barely make a blip on our radar. BUT. YOU’D. BE. WRONG. Okay, are you ready? During an interview with Hustler magazine, Vince Neil admitted that during the Crüe’s heyday:

“We were always f*cking other chicks at the studio and backstage… We would take Tommy’s (Lee) van to a restaurant called Noggles to buy these egg burritos and then rub them on our crotches to cover the smell of the girls we had just f*cked. So our d*cks smelled of eggs… We would tell our girlfriends, ‘Oh, we dropped the burritos in our laps.’ The girlfriends thought we were a bunch of clumsy slobs. We never thought about going into the restroom and just washing our d*cks.”

NOOOOOOOOOOO! *thud* Sorry, we just lost consciousness there for a second. If that isn’t the rankest thing you have ever heard in your life, congratulations, you are Vince Neil.  And as for those girlfriends… honey, if your man comes home (on multiple occasions!) with egg burrito crotch: that is a deal breaker, ladies. Even if he isn’t cheating, constant egg crotch itself is grounds for a break-up.  Okay, we wish we could spend more time thinking about this, but we have to drive to the beach, look out over the ocean and wonder why we exist in the first place. Because, damn. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Chelsea Handler Slams Critics, Probably Has A Bigger Penis Than Perez

Tuesday’s lesson, children, is to never get Chelsea Handler angry. You won’t like her when she’s angry. You will like it, however, when Chelsea Handler attacks her critics over Twitter. Perez Hilton was the first to snark on Chelsea’s hosting abilities at Sunday’s event, tweeting “@RyanSeacrest I think you should host the VMAs next year! Or ME! Ha! We both would have done a better job than Chelsea did!” Which, no. Chelsea lashed back,”@perezhilton oh, f*ck off. I had a blast and the show awesome last night. Bomb? Your life is a bomb.” Oh girl! You mess with the bull, and so on.

The New York Times also put Handler on blast, claiming Chelsea “never looked comfortable, undone by nerves, brittle material and the wattage of those around her” during the show,  and calling Handler “among the worst” in VMAs history. However, the ratings don’t lie. Chelsea tweeted, “Just got word…Highest rated vma’s since 2002. Good job, mtv! Good job, kiddo.” Considering the 2002 VMAs featured Michael Jackson, Britney Spears at her peak, and the very brief return of Guns N’ Roses, those ratings are probably nothing to shake a stick at.

After their tense back and forth, Perez apologized to Chelsea…sort of: “@ChelseaHandler I still think you’re usually very funny – and you probably have a larger penis than me! Xoxo”. Whether that’s an insult toward Chelsea or toward Perez, he is probably correct.  So what did you think? Do you want Chelsea back next year, or would you rather watch middle-aged Axl Rose wheeze his way through “Welcome To The Jungle”?

by (@hallekiefer)

Lily Allen Discusses Health Scare During Pregnancy, How Crappy It Is “Living In Fear”

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We were thrilled when singer and hot mom Lily Allen announced she had a bun in the oven in August, but unfortunately her journey to Parent Town is not going as smoothly as it could be. After experiencing a miscarriage in 2008, Lily Allen faces pregnancy complications again she carries her second bundle this year. “I came off the pill and, weirdly, a week later it happened. But then it was really difficult, I had complications,” said the songstress, whose upcoming child with boyfriend Sam Cooper will be her first.

Says Allen, “I had about a week and a half of really heavy bleeding and had to have lots of scans … I’ve been living in fear for the past three months.” Aw! Poor Lily.  We wish the only thing she had to worry about was getting into a fistfight with Elton John, like in the good old days.

Allen’s pregnancy might be a big source of stress right now, but she has already taken steps to drop her biggest annoyance: pop stardom. “I don’t think it’s that much a part of me, to be honest,” she says of her musical career, which is currently on an indefinite hold. “It’s something I’ve done, that I enjoyed doing, and I may go back to doing it in years to come, but I’ve got to believe that there is more.” Which means those of us waiting for her next album might be out of luck until that kid graduates middle school. We hope Lily breezes through the rest of her pregnancy, and we encourage her to step back in the recording studio as soon as she feels the urge. Or as soon as she can strap her kid into a baby Bjorn, which ever comes first. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Mario Lopez On Childbirth: “It Was Like A CSI Episode”

Pregnant women everywhere cringed and crossed their legs today as Mario Lopez described the birth of his brand-new baby girl Gia Francesca Lopez as being like a police procedural.  Describing the delivery of his new baby, Mario Lopez explained, “I peeked over too much … you don’t want to do that ’cause there was a lot going on right there.” A-a-a-a-and we are suddenly light-headed.

Says Lopez ,”It was like a CSI episode. So I went back and this beautiful baby girl came out.”  Maybe Mario is just referring to the end of a CSI episode, where the crime is solved and everyone is filled with a hard-earned but satisfying sense of justice. Maybe? Please?

Lopez almost missed the birth of baby Gia, at first thinking girlfriend Courney Mazza was just pulling his leg when she called to tell him she was in labor. “I thought it was a practical joke,” explained Mario. “Then my mom and sister started blowing up my phone and telling me it’s really happening. There was one flight left and we barely made it!” Apparently over his initial shock, Lopez is swooning over his new daughter, exclaiming, “She’s precious … I just want to go and stare at her.” For those of us eager to stare at Mario, he and Courtney will be starring in their own VH1 reality show, set to premiere some time this fall.

Congratulations to the happy couple and the new little  Lopez! Now excuse us while we put our heads between our legs for a while and try not to pass out.

by (@hallekiefer)

Will.i.am Tweets At Critics; Maintains VMA Outfit Wasn’t “Racial,” Just Crazy-Pants

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People are getting their Twitter on about Nicki Minaj’s VMA pre-show performance, and no, it’s not due to Nicki’s Jane Jetson-meets-S&M superhero costume.  It’s Minaj’s co-performer Will.i.am who has Twitter users’ undies in a twist, some of whom are calling Willi.i.am’s jet-black VMA make-up “black face.” Not that he’s taking it sitting down, mind you.

Tweeted Will.i.am in response to the accusations, “1st. just because I where all black including head mask as expression and emphasize my outfit, it shouldn’t be looked at as racial…” Continued the singer,  “Let go of the past. there are far more important things 2 bark about. (Jobs, health, education) not a black man wearing all black everything” See, we thought it was pretty clear that Will’s outfit was a statement about time-traveling scuba diplomat ninjas. But then again, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.

Will.i.am even took the time to respond individually to a particularly vicious tweet: “Are you guys serious? my outfit set black people back 100 yrs’ choose your twits wisely. no education sets people back, no jobs, bad health.” We should hope none of the Black Eyed Peas have the power to set the African-American community back 100 years, especially  with one bizarre, probably very sweaty costume. If any of them can do that then we as a society seriously need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

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by (@hallekiefer)

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office Won’t Let The Situation Be Great

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We never really thought how much we hate big government, but that was before we realized how much it negatively affects The Situation! Despite his eminent world domination, the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office apparently will not let The Situation trademark his nickname. Where is that in the constitution? O my god, The Constitution…quick, back to the trademark office!

So who is the “Situation” that actually owns the rights to the title? A retailer in Memphis. Hmm, a juice-head with 3.5 minutes of fame left vs. an undoubtedly classy clothing line in Tennessee: which of these two deserves to be known by the one true name? They should have some sort of contest to see who gets to use the moniker. Like, oh we don’t know, maybe some kind of hot abs competition? Wait, you’re saying those guys have even hotter abs than him? Sorry Sitch, you can’t fight city hall. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Ali Larter Happy And Pregnant With Tiny Man-Baby

Even while still in the womb, Ali Larter’s baby boy is being embarrassed by his mom. The Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D star officially announced the gender of her unborn to Jimmy Fallon last night, after the talk show host offered her the choice between a pink or blue romper.  Larter grabbed the blue one and announced, “We’re having a boy!” , and then added, “Yes! I have a little penis inside of me.” Ah, the joys of motherhood! Knowing that the breakfast sandwich you ate today will be broken down and used to build your tiny baby’s unit…well, who wouldn’t want to talk about it on Light Night with Jimmy Fallon?

Larter was making the news official after sort of spilling the beans in an interview last week, using the word “he’s” when talking about her almost-baby before quickly correcting herself.  In response to her phallic outburst, Jimmy Fallon quipped back, “That’s what she said!”, which probably brought back a lot of memories, of when women actually said that to him. We hope mom-to-be Larter DVR’d the episode so she can play it for her son when he’s older, like when he’s a moody teenager and his friends come over to hang out. Or at his wedding.