Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Justin Bieber Soaks State Trooper In Water Balloon Attack, Is Officially Above The Law

We always knew this day would come: Justin Bieber has discovered he can control the police.  At a recent performance at the Maryland State Fair, Justin Bieber water ballooned a state trooper in the crotch …and got away with it!  Sources say Justin was gleefully chucking balloons at people backstage, eventually hitting an officer working crowd management, who did not take kindly to the joke. While the rest of us would be immediately slammed onto the hood of a cop car and hand-cuffed, Bieber instead scampered into his trailer and let his bodyguard talk down the angry, damp trooper.

A rep for the state police commented on Justin’s actions on Sunday, describing the pants-soaking prank as “inappropriate”, but not a serious enough incident to merit writing Bieber up. We just have to remember that Justin is a bratty teen, and is undoubtedly going to make dumb mistakes. Oh, and he’s a millionaire, so he can probably get away with water ballooning all of us if he wanted to. Either way, it’s good Justin didn’t get arrested; there’s not enough time to re-choreograph his VMA performance, and those cells are so tiny. 

by (@hallekiefer)

James Franco Loves Being Gay (In His Movies)


Get ready to be disappointed/thrilled: according to James Franco, gay roles are an essential part of his successful acting career. They are not, however, a hint about his own love life. Apparently some people forgot that movies and reality are two different things, and had thought (ahem, hoped) that James Franco’s parts in Milk and the upcoming Allen Ginsberg biopic Howl were winky faces indicating James’s true sexual orientation. Sadly for some, gladly for others, Franco says, “Everyone thinks I’m a stoner, and some people think I’m gay because I’ve played these gay roles. That’s what people think, but it’s not true. I don’t smoke pot. I’m not gay…” Wait, you’re an actor, but you don’t date men or smoke pot? Jeez, Franco, bring a book.

James explained his attraction to same-sex scenes, saying, “In this history of cinema, there are so many heterosexual love stories. It’s so hammered, so done. It’s just not that interesting to me. It’s more interesting to me to play roles and relationships that haven’t been portrayed as often.” If Franco’s oeuvre is to be believed, the only groups that need their story told more than gay people are: weed-smokers who befriend Seth Rogen, evil super villains that fight Tobey MaGuire, and that guy at the end of The Wicker Man who probably gets killed by that lady cult. If anyone could make such different roles work, it would definitely be James Franco. And if he could play them all in one movie, we would definitely buy a ticket. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Vince Neil Accused Of Attacking Woman In Elevator, But The Cameras Say Otherwise

We wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Vince Neil attacked a woman in a hotel elevator, but it doesn’t mean we won’t be disappointed by it. Vince Neil’s Las Vegas Hilton elevator assault supposedly began when victim Jessica Radovicz noticed the former Mötley Crüe front man,  and asked if he was “on TV”. According to Radovicz, “As the elevator doors were closing … [Vince] lunged at me and tried to push me out. One of his lady friends said, ‘Get out, bitch!'” You should never, ever ask a washed-up rock star if you know them from TV; it’s like going to the zoo and staring a wolf in the eyes. You can’t stop what you are about to unleash, especially if the wolf is with his “lady friends”.

Radovicz eventually went to the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police with her story, and says she has bruises to prove the attack happened.  However, a rep for the Las Vegas Hilton has since produced security camera footage they insist shows Neil is blameless, claiming “after reviewing surveillance video and interviewing witnesses, we’ve concluded that her allegations against Vince Neil are completely unfounded.” The accusation is just the latest event in Vince’s incredibly busy year. Over the past two and half months alone, Neil has racked up a DUI and a solo album release, dealt with the death of his and Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, and now stands accused of hulking out on an unsuspecting bystander. Or as Vince Neil likes to call it, summertime.

by (@hallekiefer)

T.I. Being Bumped As Axe Spokesperson Goes Against Everything We Know About Axe


Good thing Axe already has a Vice body spray; now they won’t have to create a brand new one  to commemorate T.I.’s jail sentence. Heyo! According to a company rep, T.I.’s Axe spokesman gig is in serious jeopardy following the rapper’s arrest for drug possession last week. Apparently Axe is “troubled by [T.I.’s] arrest” and that they are “reviewing our promotional activities” with him for future advertisements. Considering Axe has a warning on its website against people  huffing or igniting their body spray, we doubt many of its wearers dropped their monocles in their brandy snifters when they found out T.I. was holding.

T.I. famously  served jail time on federal gun charges last year and is currently still on probation; the prior conviction might help send him back to prison if these new charges stick. So, if someone didn’t want to buy deodorant that helps fund a life of crime, they should have switched to Old Spice years ago. Seriously, it’s not like T.I. is selling baby food here (Don’t get any ideas, Axe!).

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki Called A “Lindsay Lohan Wannabe”, Like That’s Not Why We Love Her In The First Place


There are few slurs that can shake a true guidette to her core, but for Snooki, “Lindsay Lohan wannabe” is now one of them. At her sentencing today Snicker’s judge lambasted the Jersey girl not just for the drunken escapades that got her arrested, but for following the same dark path Lindsay Lohan staggered down a few years ago.  In addition to comparing her to Lindsay, the judge also deemed Snooki “rude and self-indulgent”, as if that isn’t the exact reason we watch Jersey Shore in the first place. He accused Snickers of basically trading her “dignity for a paycheck”. Hey! Snooki didn’t trade her dignity for a paycheck. She traded it for a paycheck, international fame, unlimited spray tan money and a Wawa Classic Hoagie, thankyouverymuch!

After his tirade the judge eventually took pity on Snooki’s tiny umber soul and gave her only 2 days community service and a $533 fine. The judge’s Lindsay dig, however, did not go unnoticed by Lohan’s loved ones. Dina Lohan managed to drag herself out of her tanning bed (aka her real bed), stumble over the empty shiraz bottles on the floor, and yell at Lindsay’s assistant long enough to fire off a response to the judge. “The family is very disappointed that a judge would say that in a court of law,” Dina claimed. “The comments were very unprofessional.” Dina then dove out of the way as Lindsay drove her Maserati through the front door, while ex-husband Michael Lohan announced his plans to open a cock fighting ring/bikini daycare center next week.

by (@hallekiefer)

Britney’s Ex-Bodyguard Files Lawsuit; Alleges Abuse, Harassment And Crabmeat

Just when you think Britney Spears has starting to climb her way back up the sanity ladder, somebody shows up to escort her back down. Britney Spear’s ex-bodyguard Fernando Flores filed a lawsuit today against the singer, accusing Brit of everything from sexual harassment to child abuse, as well as a host of other bizarre offenses. According to the lawsuit, Spears repeatedly made unwanted passes at Flores while he was her employee; in one instance Britney “intentionally dropped her cigarette lighter on the floor, bent over to retrieve it and thereby exposed her uncovered genitals” to him. So scratch that one off the sexy moves list, ladies. It does not work.

Unfortunately, not all of the accusations involve just cartoonishly awful come-ons. Flores also claims Spears beat her son Preston with a belt on at least one occasion, had sex in a hotel suite while her children played in the same room, and refused to get first aid for her sons after they had an allergic reaction to crab meat, instead screaming at her staff to, “Mind your own f**king business!” Good lord! Crab meat? Apparently Britney picked up her mothering skills from the Serial Mom School of Parenting, as well as the Basic Instinct Academy for Sexual Trainwrecks.

Flores has brought allegations of harassment and child abuse before, the latter of which the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services decided was baseless. We sincerely hope this is all just the insane dream of a disgruntled ex-bodyguard. If not, someone needs to call Papa Spears and tell him being Britney’s conservator involves more than just falling asleep by the pool.

by (@hallekiefer)

Heidi Montag’s Breast Implants Need A Lot Of Attention (And Of Course, So Does She)

According to her Twitter, Heidi Montag’s breast implants require a lot of attention, and no, we don’t mean the kind Heidi is willing to fake a divorce for. Tweets Montag, “Giving my self a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies we have to keep those implants soft.” When prescribed by a doctor, massage can help prevent breast implants from forming scar tissue, which would cause to feel unnaturally hard. O, sexy stuff! Now we wish they were releasing Heidi’s sex tape with Karissa Shannon (ah, just kidding, we still don’t).

In addition to her implants, Heidi tweeted about her cosmetic ear surgery, saying “Warning: to anyone who is thinking about getting their ears pinned, I learned after the fact it is the most painful surgery a person can get”. See, this is where we turn into our mom and say, “Just grow your hair over your ears! You don’t need surgery. Honestly, no one else notices it but you. Or just put on a hat. Are you listening to me? You look good in hats. What about that little hat your aunt gave you for your birthday? Don’t put this on the Twitter, I’m serious.” Man, that reminds us, we really need to call her. And we will, right after we get done massaging away this scar tissue…

by (@hallekiefer)

Kirsten Dunst’s Purse Thief Gets Four Years For What Must Have Be One Amazing Purse


If you had ever thought about messing with Kirsten Dunst (and really, who hasn’t?) this next story will change your mind right quick. Brooklyn auto mechanic James Jimenez was sentenced today to four years in prison after being convicted of stealing Kirsten Dunst’s designer purse out of her hotel room in 2007. Four years? Good lord, what was in that purse? Nuclear launch codes?

Jimenez was found guilty in June of stealing the purse, as well as Brit actor Simon Pegg’s cell phone and assorted other items while the actors were in New York filming How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, leading us to believe that more people had their stuff stolen while filming that movie than actually saw it in theaters.

There must be information we just don’t know about the case. Maybe the guilty party had a lot of prior arrests, or planned to use information he had found in the purse and phone? Or maybe Kirsten Dunst is some sort of international spy entrusted with the safety of the American people, and she had her Little Book of Devastating Political Secrets hidden next to her Altoids tin and a handful of smushed Raisinets. Because, seriously, four years? In four years, they’ll have remade How to Lose Friends & Alienate People, and a whole new generation of people will have never seen it.  [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Miley’s Mom Legally Changes Her Name; Majority Continue To Call Her Miley’s Mom

If you’re going to model your life after somebody, you could do worse than to pick a pop superstar. If that pop star happens to be your daughter, well, even better. Miley Cyrus’s mom Tish Cyrus is about to follow in her little girl’s footsteps and getting her name legally changed…to her nickname.

Last week Mama Cyrus applied to have her first name officially changed  from Leticia to Tish, a moniker she’s been called “for as long as she can remember.” Miley famously changed her name from Destiny Hope Cyrus in 2008, adopting her nickname after having her cheeks pinched for years for being so “smiley”.

While this is America, home of the free, and as such Tish Cyrus can do whatever she wants with her life, we do find it a little weird that the elder Cyrus would bother to legally swap her name for a shorter form of the same one. It’s like being named William and going to court to have your license say Bill; why even bother? Besides, when you’re related to a millionaire, most people probably just end up calling you “Ma’am” or  “Your Highness” anyway. At least, that’s what we will make people call us when our kids are indentured to Disney (fingers crossed!)

by (@hallekiefer)

Wyclef Jean Calls Sean Penn A Cokehead; Sean Penn Politely Disagrees

He might not be able to run for President of Haiti, but Wyclef Jean is slinging mud like he’s coming up for re-election. According to Wyclef Jean, Sean Penn’s coke habit was the reason the actor claimed to have never noticed Jean helping out in Haiti.

During a concert this week the former Fugee ripped into Penn, saying “I got a message for Sean Penn: Maybe he ain’t see me in Haiti because he was too busy sniffing cocaine.”  Yikes! Considering the actor was in Haiti for several months following the disaster, we sincerely doubt any human could do enough cocaine to miss Wyclef that entire time. But if anyone could do it, it would definitely be Sean Penn!

Penn immediately shot back, brushing off the coke claim as ridiculous and offering everything short of a doctor’s note to prove it. Says Penn’s reps, “Mr. Jean is clearly unfamiliar with the physical demands put upon volunteers in Haiti. As aid workers there, the notion of depleting the body’s immune system thru the use of illicit drugs is ludicrous. More specifically, J/P Haitian Relief Organization (a.k.a. JPHRO) has a ZERO tolerance policy for any and all illegal drugs. As the leader of this organization, Sean Penn has not only set this policy, but adheres to it. That Mr. Jean would make such a false accusation is reckless and saddening, but not surprising.”

Whether Wyclef’s claims have any validity or not, we can all agree that the last thing the people of Haiti need is a coked-out Sean Penn scampering around the island. Actually, the last thing they need are two celebrities arguing about them constantly, so maybe take it down a notch, you guys.