Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Michael Lohan May Perform The “You Are Not The Father” Dance On Maury

Do you believe in destiny? Do you think that a person’s life can gradually build to one moment that represents everything he or she stands for in this world? Well, get ready to believe again, because reports say that Michael Lohan might appear on Maury to prove he did not father rumored 15-year-old daughter Ashley Horn. Ah, let’s see: it’s unnecessarily public, no one in their right mind would do it and it’s humiliating for his daughter…yup, sounds like a Michael Lohan original!

We can’t say we’re really surprised by the news. Michael Lohan’s life has been just one long, slow episode of Maury up until now; he might as well make it official.  But as much as we’d like to see Lohan do the “You are not the father” dance, hasn’t he basically been doing that with his other kids already? And they are definitely his. If anyone should be embarrassed by this super tacky move, it’s Maury Povich. It is one thing to have cotton ball men chase phobic people around the studio. But giving Michael Lohan airtime? There has to be a line somewhere, Maury.

by (@hallekiefer)

White House Crasher Salahi To Give Part of Dress Proceeds To Charity, Is Only 99% Foul

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Start saving your pennies, everyone! On October 2, a little piece of crazy-person history goes up for auction…and we want to buy it! Real housewife of D.C. Michaele Salahi’s White House-crashing dress will be auctioned off next month by the Potomack company, an all-female auction house. While normally we would chalk this one up as just a crude publicity stunt, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are sending a portion of the sales to the Clinton-Bush Haiti Fund, which is…downright decent of them.

Despite the fact that Salahi claimed Whoopi Goldberg slapped her around, lied about being an NFL cheerleader, and is generally loathed by every one of her Real Housewives of D.C. cast mates, donating to a needy cause is always the right thing to do. In fact, this whole situation is giving us an existential crisis. Salahi attempted to bust into the White House …but she’s doing a kind thing. No one should ever buy a dress that belonged to such a raving nut bar…but it’s going to Haiti! We guess if Salahi is willing to do anything for a tiny scrap of fame, she can at least use that fame to get money for people who need it. We never thought we’d say this but…but…Michaele Salahi, we salute you! Ah, the words, they’re like fire in our mouths! [Photos: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Did Lindsay Really Sideswipe A Baby Stroller In Her Maserati?!?!

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While there was a significant dip in mayhem while Lindsay Lohan was in jail/rehab, it seems now that the Machete actress is committed to making up for lost time. According to two eye witnesses, Lindsay Lohan side-swiped a baby stroller in her Maserati on Wednesday evening…and just kept going. Says eye witness Brayan Jaime, “There was a woman pushing a kid in the stroller, maybe a two or three-year-old, crossing the street. Lindsay took the red light and hit the stroller. It wasn’t super hard, but she made impact and hit them.”

Oh, Lindsay, no. Can we please  start some sort of volunteer program where we all rotate who has to chauffeur Lindsay around, rather than let her drive? We can make a giant chore wheel with everyone in America’s name on it and put it on the White House fridge or something. It’s at least worth a try!

This is already Lindsay’s second traffic incident since she was released from rehab; last weekend Lohan ran a stop sign while reportedly speeding. Only Lindsay can average one crime a week and still be doing significantly better than before she went to jail. When asked about the incident, Lohan said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Which just goes to show, when you’re blowing through seven to nine baby strollers a month, it’s pretty hard to keep track of all of them. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Breaking Dawn Birth Scene Will Be As “Intense” As The Book, Says Director

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Anyone familiar with The Twilight Saga has always had plenty of questions about the Breaking Dawn birth scene: How will they film it? What are they going to show? How many gallons of fake blood will the prop department drizzle over Kristen Stewart? Well guys, get ready to watch the scene with your hands clamped over your eyes like you’d hoped, because according to screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg and director Bill Condon, the Breaking Dawn birth scene is going to be every bit as jaw-dropping as the original.

Says Rosenberg, “We’re working on it. And we’re working on it to be as intense as it is in the book.” We appreciate their refusal to cop out on such an important scene; it’s an integral part of the final book, even if it does require Robert Pattinson to “assist the delivery” in a way that would make even the most hard-core horror fan shudder.

Adds Rosenberg,”I don’t think it’s about the amount of blood you show,” she says. “It’s on their faces. It’s all from Bella’s point of view when you’re seeing what’s going [on]. It should feel visceral. I think it’s going to be pretty intense.” We can’t wait! We just have to remember to bring our smelling salts to the movie theater; we don’t want the usher to worry if we fall into a dead faint. Which we almost certainly will. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Black Crowes’ Chris Robinson Rips On Taylor Swift For No Apparent Reason

Everyone has their own thoughts about adorable Taylor Swift, four-time Grammy winner and current VMA nominee. For example, in the opinion of Black Crowes‘ front man and Kate Hudson’s ex Chris Robinson, Taylor Swift is everything that’s terrible about modern music.

Snarls Robinson, “I find it embarrassing that adults are like, ‘Taylor Swift is very talented.’ She’s not. She might be cute, but she’s horrible.” Ouch! How weird is it that Robinson would even bother to go after Taylor in the first place? It’s not like most 14-year-old girls are on iTunes agonizing over whether to buy Swift’s new single “Mine” or the Black Crowes’ “Croweology”. He’s not going to pull any fans to his side this way.

Robinson’s main issue with Swift and other (popular) artists are that “they have stylists who dress them, they make records with producers who play a chord into the computer and it all comes out the same… When you have computers doing it all for you… there’s no individuality. Singing isn’t always about being on key; it’s about emotionality (sic).” It’s about emotionality, people. Oh, but not the emotions of a love-struck 20-year-old girl, of course; just the emotionality of middle-aged hippies with tie-dyed tops and Jesus hair. We respect Robinson’s right to jam out without the aid of GarageBand or a professional beard wrangler, but please. Let the children be. [Photo: /]

by (@hallekiefer)

Kelly Osbourne: From Ozzy’s Kid to Pussycat Doll

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It seems like only yesterday that Kelly Osbourne was just an awkward 16-year-old girl, screaming at her rock star father while a half dozen tiny dogs pooped on the living room floor. Kelly’s latest Twitter pic, however, reveals a woman who is nothing if not grown-up. Who would have guess Ozzy’s misfit daughter would turn out to be a reality show diva with a slamming body and links to the Pussycat Dolls? It’s only been eight years since Kelly was a baby-faced teen, but since then she’s gone through dozens of reincarnations, hundreds of outfits and too many bottles of hair dye to count. So join us in taking a look at the many reinventions of Kelly Osbourne, and remember that we knew her when. [Photo: Kelly Osbourne's Twitter]

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by (@hallekiefer)

The One Thing Ashton Loves More Than Twitter Is Not Cheating On Demi, Twitters Kutcher

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Hard-bodied cougars of the world, we light one single candle in your honor tonight as Ashton Kutcher vehemently quashes rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Initial reports in Star Magazine claimed that “Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her,” at the restaurant Madeo in L.A.  Kutcher immediately tweeted in reply, “I think Star magazine calling me a “cheater” qualifies as defamation of character. I hope my lawyer agrees,” as well as “STAR magazine – you don’t get to stand behind “freedom of the press” when you are writing fiction.” O snap! Never get in the way of an angry young man armed with tweets, we always say; it’s like a law of nature!

In the past Ashton admitted to being a “slut” prior to meeting his significantly older wife. But let’s be serious here: who would be foolish enough to risk blowing it with Demi Moore? The woman is 47-years-old and still looks she should be grinding in a Van Halen video. We’re inclined to think that the “gorgeous girl” Ashton was spotted with was just Demi in low lighting. Moore has such serious Benjamin Button magic working for her, next year they’re going to report Ashton was caught making out with a high school student. Good luck Twitter-explaining that from a holding cell, Kutcher. [Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Father Of The Millennium Michael Lohan Tries To Sell Lindsay’s Rehab Diary

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Remember growing up how paranoid you were that your parents would read your diary and find out about your crush on Gambit from X-Men: The Animated Series (…just us, then)? Now imagine that actually happened, except instead of reading your diary your parents auctioned it off to the highest bidder, and also they are crazy.

That’s the situation Lindsay Lohan currently finds herself in as her father Michael attempts to sell some of her belongings for a quick buck, the most personal of which is a diary she kept while in a Utah rehab facility in 2007. Lindsay issued a cease and desist letter to her dad, calling his actions “shameful,” which is like calling the sky “blue” or water “wet.”

Lindsay’s rep Shawn Chapman Holley wrote the letter to Michael’s attorney Lisa Bloom, expressing how “appalled” his daughter was at such a “grave invasion of privacy.” Seriously though, someone needs to write down all the horrible things Michael Lohan has done and lock him in a room with them for a hundred years, because he is just not getting it. If it’s any conciliation, Lindsay, there’s not much that could be in that diary that would surprise us at this point. “Dear Diary: My dad is ruining my life. Also I love Adderall and drunk driving!” No duh, Lindsay. No duh. [Photo: WireImage]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jon Gosselin Schemes To Get His Hands On That Sextuplet Money

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It’s baby daddy drama x 8 over at the Gosselin household, and this time things have taken a turn for the bizarre. Apparently fail-dad Jon Gosselin extorted money from Kate, his ex-wife and co-creator of their eight adorable little dollar signs, by threatening to have the kids taken away from her. Of course, that’s if we can believe his disaster of an ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman.

Jon would reportedly call Kate and threaten to report her to Child Protective Services, even preparing creepy hand-written notes to follow while on the phone with her, the most damning of which reads, “Jon giving Kate ultimatums. He privately extorts Kate. If you don’t do what I want, I’ll do this…” Glassman now has those notes, the moral of the story being if you are going to commit a crime, you probably shouldn’t jot down instructions on how you did it.

According to Glassman, Gosselin threatened to tell CPS that Kate had hurt Mady’s arm, an injury that apparently did happen and that Jon promised to forget with the right payoff: “Need 50k or 100k now. 24/48 hours go to DA.” Says Glassman, “Kate started screaming and Jon just started laughing. He just laughed at her.” Laughing maniacally, talking in the third person, planning grandiose evil schemes that eventually blow up in your face? So Jon Gosselin has pretty much become a super villain, right? When he moves into a giant Antarctic fortress and uses that extortion money to build a laser to blow up the moon, don’t say we didn’t all see this coming. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Mel Gibson As Popular Now As He Was Before He Lost His Mind

We might go into a blogging frenzy every time Mel Gibson takes his bi-monthly trip to East Crazyville, but as it turns out, fewer people than we thought really give a rat’s behind about Gibson’s personal life. At least not when they are choosing which movies to see. According to a 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll about Gibson’s career, 76% of respondents to the question, “Are you now less likely to go see a Mel Gibson movie as a result of the recent scandal?” replied “No, no effect”, while only 20% indicated they would be “less likely” to see a movie that they now know co-stars a crazy nightmare person.

We agree that it can be heard to determine what how much a performer’s personal life should affect how we view their work. Mel might be a leading man, but there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people who make their livelihoods off of Gibson movies; should they be punished for every racial slur or domestic abuse incident that he takes part in? For example, Jodie Foster is directing Mel in The Beaver, and to our knowledge she has never gone on an anti-Semitic rant in public. Does she get any points for that? On the other hand, it’s going to be pretty difficult to watch Gibson talk to that beaver puppet without imagining him screaming that it needs a bat to the side of the head, or threatening to burn its house down (which would be more than possible, since it’s made out entirely of wood). Or are we just over thinking things here?