If you’re going to propose on the cover of a trashy nightlife magazine, you have to expect you might get rejected via the trashy nightlight magazine of the internet, Twitter. Tweeted Snooki in response to her supposed boyfriend Jeff Miranda’s marriage proposal: “Just want to set the record straight. I’m single and I’m not going to get married!” THANK GOD! We were pretty sure Snickers would demure such an out-of-the-blue proposal from a total nutbar, but a secret part of our brain was like, “O god, girlfriend is not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. She might say yes!” That just goes to show us, we should always have faith in our little troll doll.
Given that he isÃ‚Â a fame-whore and a reported domestic abuser, it probably shouldn’t even matter that much that it’s also come out that Jeff Miranda’s a swinger. Still, ew. Either way Snooki is better off without him. We know it’s pretty unlikely, but we still want to see our girl Snicks end up with Vinny! He would undoubtedly propose in a super classy way like on a Jumbotron, or in his Facebook status. We can just tell.
While she has since been slapped with felony drug charges, Paris Hilton reportedly first tried to convince police that the bad-bad she had in her possession was in fact something much tamer….and breath-freshening. According to the police report from Hilton’s arrest for cocaine possession, Paris initially claimed that the baggie of coke that flew out of her purse was actually gum. You know, just a plastic bag filled with white powdered gum, like all normal people have. In the words of the arresting officer, “she had not seen it but now thought it was gum.” Paris then immediately slapped herself on the forehead and groaned, “Doooooooooh!” before offering her wrists to be put in hand-cuffs, because come on.
Master of deception Hilton then went on at great lengths explaining how the purse containing the cocaine really belonged to her friend, even though Paris’s cash, credit cards and rolling papers were all mysteriously inside of it. But what if the explanation was a lot simpler? What if Paris just never learned the difference between gum and coke? That would explain her whole life-trajectory! This whole time she thought she was just buying Orbit Wintermint. Turns out it was always cocaine. [Photo: Splash News Online]
With only a month left before the new season starts, three new Saturday Night Live cast members are confirmed to join the show in the fall. Squee! New late night friends! News of Will Forte’s departure from SNL last week also brought with it rumors of the multiple new hires, gossip which is now proving to be true.
The new faces include Chicago improv and sketch comedians Paul Brittain and Vanessa Bayer, as well actor Taran Killam, a formerÃ‚Â MADtv cast member and most well known as the reoccurring character Ã¢â‚¬Å“BlaumanÃ¢â‚¬Â on How I Met Your Mother. We’re pumped to see what the new performers will bring to the table in September, although it would have been nice to have someone to replace Fred Armisen as Barack Obama. Anyone, really, would have been nice to replace Fred Armisen as Barack Obama, is what we’re trying to say.
Even more intriguing then the addition of three new performers is the accompanying suggestion that producer Lorne Michaels might be giving some current SNL cast members the ol’ heave-ho. As of today, Weekend Update anchor Seth Meyers, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Kenan Thompson have yet to indicate if they were re-hired, which could mean a big shake-up is in store, as well as a hysterical tear-filled farewell to any future Samberg-Timberlake comedic gems. We hope the noobs are only an expansion, not a replacement, for the current cast. Because we will be damned if we’ll give up Ã¢â‚¬Å“WhatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Up With That?Ã¢â‚¬Â without a fight.
After hitting on her cast mates, partying with strippers, and harassing his ex-girlfriend, Snooki’s boyfriend Jeffrey Miranda has gone and done the most outrageous thing of all: ask for Snickers’ hand in marriage. Despite the fact that the pair have been together less than three weeks, Miranda has decided to take the leap by posing for the Sept. 10 cover of New Jersey’s entertainment magazine Steppin’ Out to ask the question “Will You Marry Me?”, which is sadly the classiest scheme he could think of. We can all agree that we want a Jersey Shore wedding, complete with T-back tuxedos, gallons of cleavage and an ice sculpture swan that spews Buttery Nipples. But we don’t want it like this. Not like this.
Miranda is bizarrely certain his unexpected proposition will woo his little orange angel, predicting, “Once she deals with the shock I think they’ll say yes. I really do. In fact, I know she’ll say yes.” While Snooki undoubtedly loves the limelight, there is a big difference between showing off your ring on the cover of People and finding out your boyfriend of a month is popping the question…in a magazine that won’t come out for two weeks. We’re certain that one day some wonderful juice-head will take Snickers as his lawfully wedded guidette. In the mean time, our only conciliation is that no one on the planet actually reads Steppin’ Out, except for Jeff Miranda. [Photo: Splash News Online]
Despite what you might have heard from blabbermouth Jason Sudeikis, January Jones insists that the SNL comedian has never seen her in her birthday suit. And he might have just blown his chance forever! Replied Jones to Jason’s claim on Lopez Tonight that he’s seen her in the all-together: “He’s never seen me naked, nor will he after those comments”. Ouch, that’s a burn right there! Seriously though, Sudeikis needs to not get it twisted. If you are courting one of the hottest women on TV/America/the surface of the planet, you probably shouldn’t giggle like a seventh-grade boy with George Lopez about seeing her naked, especially on TV. It’s just a good rule of thumb.
The two are rumored to be dating, but January’s comments make us think their romance might not be all heart-shaped hot tubs and pink champagne like we had hoped. Despite her verbal smack-down, however, the pair was spotted being extremely shmoodley with each other at the Emmys. Other comments also made it seem like January is fine with the nudity gossip, as she maintains, “I think he handled that question very well. He made a joke of it. What was he supposed to say?” Wait, so does that leave the door open for naked adventures in the future? Comedy nerds across the globe, including us, wait in breathless anticipation! At least we can be sure that whatever happens, George Lopez will be the first to know. [Photo: Getty Images]
We need a Zip car, directions to Seaside Heights and JWOWW’s cell number ASAP, because apparently Snooki’s new man is about a million times worse than we had suspected. While we already knew he was something of a stripper-loving skeez, apparently in 2009 Snooki’s boyfriend Jeffrey Miranda had a restraining order filed against him as well…for putting a gun to his ex-girlfriend’s head.
According to the police report, Miranda dated ex Rebecca Hansen for six months in 2008 and 2009, during which he because increasingly violent, hurling insults and even physically harassing her. According to the order, Miranda also “threatened to burn plaintiff’s house down while she slept, threatened to cut plaintiff’s brakes, defendant threatened plaintiff by stating ‘if you cheat on me or break up with me you have a hole dug for you already.'” Said Hansen, “Jeff is nothing but scum. He claims he is in the mafia. He’s threatened two of my friends’ lives and my own.” Good lord! We hope Snooki has heard about this and immediately bailed out of the relationship. Even the most beautiful juice-head gorilla in the world isn’t worth that level of insanity. [Photo: Splash News Online]
Jack of all trades, master of being a huge knob Michael Lohan has a new scheme brewing, and this time his choice of business plan seems a little too on-the-nose to be believed. In the news earlier this month for harassing fiancé Kate Major, now Michael Lohan plans to open a rehab center in California. Of course he does.
Says Lohan, “Yes, it’s, true, I’ll be running it. I think it’s time that Dina and I both step out of the media for a while, and for me that means getting back to what I know best — helping people with addiction.” Ah yes, nothing more discreet than publicly announcing his intention to start a rehab facility from the ground up when daughter Lindsay Lohan literally rolled out of one on Tuesday.
Despite the fact that Lohan’s most recent ventures have been largely sketchy nightclubs and poorly conceived reality shows, he maintains that “I have my entire team of therapists in place and the financing is done. We’re still negotiating the location.” Can you just…do that? Open up a rehabilitation facility on a whim? Don’t you need some kind of licensing or certification or letter from a judge proving you won’t start punching patients in the face when you’re upset with them? If we actually thought Lohan would go through on this plan, we would give him kudos for setting up a worthwhile organization. That being said, we’re pretty sure next week he’s going to be back in the news hawking space ice cream or home gym equipment or super absorbent towels or something, probably with equal success. [Photo: Getty Images]
If you woke up this morning covered in sweat and shaking with a terrible premonition that something bad had happened to Joey Lawrence’s cornea, well you were right! The star of the upcoming Melissa & Joey “ripped his cornea” while on the set of the show Thursday; apparently another actor reached over to hug co-star Melissa Joan Hart, accidentally jamming the script he had in his hand into Lawrence’s eye. We can’t really rag on Joey for not getting out of the way in time; it’s been so long since he’d seen a script he probably didn’t recognize what it was until it was ramming into his eye socket.
After a quick visit to the doctor the actor posted a picture of his glistening, wounded eye to his Twitter and wrote, “Hey my tweet peeps. Sorry for being AWOL. I got hit in the eye yesterday mrng by accident in the set and it ripped my cornea. Trying to heal.” In case Joey’s cornea takes a while to mend itself, we think the writers of Melissa & Joey should just go ahead and write his eye injury into the show. Who wouldn’t want to see a successful single woman try to juggle kids, career, and a grizzled, peg-legged pirate-manny? Or maybe Joey could constantly stand behind something that covers half of his face, like a small tree or a slender Ionic column, like Wilson from Home Improvement? Either way, we’d definitely watch the show. Mostly because we loved Clarissa Explains It All, but still, we’d watch it. [Photo: Joey Lawrence’s Twitter]
Despite getting slammed for sort-of, maybe, possibly glamorizing drug use in last month’s Vanity Fair, it’s now clear that for Lady Gaga, drugs played a big role in making her the pantless household name she is today. Says Gaga, “[Using drugs] I really figured out the art I wanted to make and was inspired. Some people find inspiration in dark places. I guess I’m one of them.” Well, of course she was using drugs! People don’t typically think to wear a see-through latex nun’s habit if they’re just drinking lemonade and playing Yatzee with their memaw.
The singer also describes how, “At the beginning I was doing performance art in handmade leather and leopard bikinis talking about oral sex and Andy Warhol and heavy metal. My mom was like, ‘You’ve lost your mind.’ I was doing drugs, I was really out of control. But I never got so far into it that I overdosed or anything.” Let’s be honest here; anyone who has remembers Gaga’s Mets game fiasco, where the singer flipped off the cameras while wearing only her underpants in front of 40,000 baseball fans, probably shouldn’t be too surprisedby this. Gag insists she has cut back on using, but admits “I won’t lie; it’s occasional. And when I say occasional, I mean maybe a couple of times a year.” And when she says maybe a couple times a year, she means before every major television appearance. Oh, right, and before every Mets games.
[Photo: Splash News Online]
Further proof that Twitter addiction is at least partially genetic, Frances Bean and Courtney Love apparently share a love of epic social media battles, in addition to half of their DNA. Following Love’s alarming tirade on Bean’s birthday, during which Courtney basically blamed Frances for all the evil in the world, her daughter snapped back, “I pitty your inability to love yourself. I hope you find your soul, wherever it may be. stop acting like a prepubescent feral cat.” Ouch! Harsh and surprisingly accurate! If you had to describe Courtney Love to a police sketch artist, that is pretty much what you’d say, at least if you wanted to get her head shape right.
The tweet has since been deleted, probably by Courtney’s mind, which we assume has completely melded with Twitter ala The Lawnmower Man. But, like everything on the internet, you can’t untweet what’s been twooted, so it’s probably only a matter of time before Love puts her two cents, and 140 characters, into the discussion. While we all feel that Twitter war is not the answer, in Frances’ defense, she’s an 18-year-old girl with a passive-aggressive mom with no social filter. In Courtney’s defense, she’s a prepubescent feral cat. Her little paws can probably barely type on that big keyboard! No wonder her tweets have so many misspellings. [Photo: Getty Images]