Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Nutritionist Elizabeth Hurley Says Adults Don’t Need Breakfast, Just Mugs Of Boiling Water

Doctor of science and hot lady actress Elizabeth Hurley has joined the ranks of celebrities who have decided being good-looking and rich also means you have a PhD from Johns Hopkins. Tweets Hurley, “Doctors disagree, but I swear by almost nothing for breakfast for adults.”  You know any sentence that starts with “doctors disagree, but…” is certain to be jammed packed with healthy, reasonable suggestions. We’re not doctors either, but we doubt turning 18 means you need to put away the oatmeal and start manning up until lunch. If anything, this is just going to encourage us to sleep past noon. And believe us, we do not need the encouragement!

Continued Hurley, “Mugs of hot water first thing, maybe an espresso and a few oat cakes mid morning.” Nothing like a boiling cup of plain water to really get you ready for the day. Is there a chance this is a British thing? Wouldn’t that explain everything about the British if this were a British thing? Hurley also suggested that instead of lunch, adults can bring a thermos full of ice cubes to the office, and for a hearty dinner, just stand over a subway grate and inhale the steam until you are so full you pass out.

To be fair, Hurley is 45 and looks younger than most of us do coming out of the womb. Maybe scalding hot water breakfasts are really the answer to eternal youth. We’ll have to try it, right after we figure out whether “oat cakes” is British slang for “Belgian waffles”. Dear god, please let it mean Belgian waffles.

by (@hallekiefer)

America’s Sweetheart Drew Barrymore Is Going To Start Ripping Reporters’ Faces Off

drew-barrymore

Is it wrong that the idea of Draw Barrymore ripping a reporter’s face off just makes us want to see her new rom-com even more?  During a recent press junket, Barrymore became furious when a reporter pressed her too hard about her notoriously rocky childhood. When asked by the next interviewer if she ever tired of talking about her wild youth, Drew raged, “You should have heard this bitch I had to do an interview with before you. God, I wanted to punch her, she would just not drop the youth thing.” Continued the Going The Distance star, “It’s actually good to get it done young and have a great life later. But yeah, man, I wanted to rip this woman’s face off. She just would not shut up about it.” Consider our tickets purchased!

Drew has talked at length about her tumultuous upbringing, which included a stint in rehab at 13, and acknowledges, “I’m actually really proud. I know I made a lot of mistakes, but they in turn were my life lessons.” So we have to ask the question: how horrible must that reporter have been to piss Drew off that much?  She’s Drew Barrymore! That woman seems like she could barely rip the wrapper off a Kit Kat without crying, let alone skin an interviewer alive.  All we have to say is, if sweet, sunny Drew Barrymore is fantasizing about tearing your head apart, you really need to reexamine your approach to journalism.  Go back to school, maybe do some freelance work: whatever you need to do so you don’t make the star of 50 First Dates and Never Been Kissed want to go Hannibal Lecter on your face. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Kim Kardashian Makes Her Intentions Toward Justin Bieber Clear, Super Awkward

60330168

In a classic “just think it, don’t say it” move, Kim Kardashian has taken the teasing rumors about her and Justin Bieber and cranked up the Awkward Meter all the way to “Unbelievably”. Kim could barely contain her inner coug on Lopez Tonight whilst discussing Bieber, proclaiming that she would date him “if he was of legal age.” They probably had her read that last part off a cue card, just so she wouldn’t forget it. Kim later gushed that Justin “definitely has this swag to him,” though we think it might actually be illegal for a grown woman to discuss a teenage boy’s swag. We don’t have a degree in criminal justice, but we’re sure it’s written down somewhere.

Kardashian’s comments came in responds to questions about the Kim and Justin Elle photo shoot that featured the two soaking wet and frolicking in the ocean’s waves and oh lord we are probably going to go to jail for even writing about this. Kim and Justin have jokingly palled around in public ever since, their friendship prompting jokes and even a warning to Bieber from T.I. to steer clear of older women. Continued Kardashian, “You just have to meet him. I thought that the shoot was all in fun. We had a good time. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion about it.” Opinions raging from, “Uh-uh, girl” to “O that’s not so…wait, is that kid 16? Oh, uh-uh, girl.” At least Kim won’t have to keep hiding that giant clock in her apartment that counts down to March 1, 2012. We have one too, and it gets so annoying having to explain it to people. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki’s Signature Drink: Another Opportunity To Have a Jersey Shore Cast Member In Your Mouth

snookiedit

Ew, we’re sorry, that was gross. Speaking of gross things, Snooki’s favorite drink is being renamed in honor of its most famous, and probably only, fan. According to Michael Carbone, owner of the Beachcomber Bar & Grill (from epic face-punch fame), Snooki visits his bar several times a week to enjoy a cocktail titled the “Scooby Snack,” so named because after you drink one, dogs start talking to you. The beverage has now been re-christened the “Snooki Snack” in celebration of Our Lady of Perpetual Spray Tan.

As we might have imagined, our little Scrappy Doo’s drink of choice sounds like something most of us wouldn’t drink on a bet: a mix of coconut rum, crème de bananas, melon liqueur, pineapple juice and whipped cream. Good lord in Jersey heaven. It’s basically a milkshake with a night full of regrets built in.

It seems fitting that Snooki’s drink is just like her: incredibly sweet and way, way too much. Since the Situation already has a brand of vodka and we assume Snooki Snacks are going to to be the next big thing, it’s only a matter of time before the other Jersey Shore cast members have a drink dedicated to them. So with that in mind we have a couple of recipes we’d like to suggest, in case any mixologists are looking for inspiration:

  • The JWoWW: Add 1 oz Hawaiian Punch to 2 oz Guinness. Rip a pool table in half after every shot.
  • The Angelina: Fill a martini glass with gin. Try to chase your house mates down when they sneak out to the club without you. Drink whatever hasn’t fallen out of your glass, repeat.
  • The Sammi: A lukewarm glass of skim milk. That’s it…
  • The Ronnie: Mix 1 oz dark rum and 1 oz amaretto. Throw it away, do roids instead.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Heidi Montag’s Giant Cartoon Boobs Limit Her Ability to Exercise, Fame-Whore

heidi-montag

Much like her husband and her own lack of self-esteem, now Heidi Montag’s breast implants are ruining her life too. Says Montag about her massive assets, “I feel trapped in my own body.  I’m desperate to go back to normal’” a complaint common among people who have had their bodies replaced by plastic mannequin parts.

After her last surgery, Heidi’s future boob job plans included amping up her figure even further from her current insane G-cup, with the goal being to eventually bolt an H to her A- cup frame. Since then Montag has apparently come to realize the downside to having such side show-esque proportions. Says Heidi, “I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”

When Heidi says “heartbreaking,” she means her implants might literally break her heart if she uses a bench press wrong.  Says Montag, “I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D.” Just a petite DD, thanks. She doesn’t want to look like a crazy person!  We just hope Heidi learned her lesson that bigger doesn’t always mean better; it often means chronic back pain. Oh, and always save the receipt.  [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

The Glass of Bret Is Half Full: Bret Michaels “50/50″ He Will Marry Long-Term Girlfriend

He might not be headed down the aisle in the near future, but for Bret Michaels, marriage might make an honest man out of him yet.  As the Rock of Love star made it clear earlier this year, he and long-time girlfriend Kristi Lynn Gibson aren’t planning to pick out matching engagement ring tattoos anytime soon. However just last week Michaels revealed that the chances of the couple making it legal are about “50/50.” Said the singer, “We’ve been talking a lot about getting engaged, and we’ll see what happens. We just want to make sure we’re not doing it for anyone other than ourselves.”

We like those odds! Gibson, the mother of Michael’s’ two ridiculously cute children Raine, 10, and Jorja, 5, has been off and on with the singer for almost 16 years. The couple reunited after Michael’s serious health problems this past spring, and are apparently making it work.  “Hopefully we’ll get engaged”, Michaels explained, “But if we don’t, we’ll still love and respect each other.” How sweet is that? Please don’t tell anyone we teared up over Bret Michaels’ relationship status, you guys. Please don’t. At the rate they’re going, the couple will likely be exchanging vows at their grandchildren’s college graduations. But like they say, you can’t hurry love.  All we can say is: please, please, please let them televise the wedding. The sight of Bret in his tuxedo, bandanna and formal eyeliner would just be  too amazing to miss.

by (@hallekiefer)

Taylor Momsen Doesn’t Idolize Courtney Love, Just Acts Like Her Clone

taylor_momsen_2

You know you’re getting old when, to Taylor Momsen, Courtney Love is just some other girl’s mom. When asked if she appreciated being called the “Junior Courtney Love” (which, excuse us, who has ever called her that, ever?), Momsen was uncharacteristically gracious, saying “No, because she’s awesome. She just isn’t one of my idols or direct influences, despite what people think.”

Really, Taylor? So the resemblance is all a coincidence? The rambling public  non sequiturs? The hair that looks like it was pieced together from a box of damaged wigs? The outfits that would get you arrested in every country except the U.S. and Canada?  We guess some things just happen look similar, like when you see a drawing of a beautiful girl and you then turn it upside and realize it’s also the picture of Courtney Love.

So, if not Grandma Love, then from whom does Taylor draw her musical inspiration? Oh, you guys are going to love this: “Yeah, I do emulate men more—I grew up on Oasis, Soundgarden, AC/DC, The Beatles.”  The Beatles, ladies and gentlemen! We think we can all agree, when you hear The Pretty Reckless‘ hit song…um…you know, the one…well, when you hear it, your mind immediately thinks of the White Album. That’s Taylor Momsen in a nutshell: vocal stylings based on Paul McCartney, hair styling based on the girl from The Ring.
[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jenna Jameson Calls It Like We Sees It: Celebs Lie About “Leaked” Sex Tapes

When a porn star tells you somebody is faking it, you sit up and take heed.  And when Jenna Jameson says celebrity sex tapes are nothing much an elaborate sexy ruse, you say, “Girrrrrrrrl!” Tweeted former porn star Jameson, “Why do people do porno tapes, sell them, make boatloads of money, then LIE about being victimized. I know one girl who sold her tape herself.” Girrrrrrrrrrrl!

Okay, we know what you’re thinking: Duh, Detective Jenna. Way to crack the case. But you see, the difference between Jenna Jameson saying a celeb sex tape was faux-leaked and the other 5.99 billion people who say the same thing is that Jenna knows of which she speaks.  Having Jenna Jameson examine a sex tape for authenticity is like calling an expert witness to the stand at a trial. Sure, maybe they weren’t there at the exact moment it happened, but they’ve seen enough to know what they’re talking about.

Continues Jameson, “@SOFTBLUSHcom I know one of the girls that acts so prim and proper and sold her tape to get famous. The others I just speculate. I own up to my porn, I don’t cry and say my boyfriend stole it.” Wait, prim and proper? So does Snooki have a sex tape coming out soon? Be still our hearts! Jenna does have a point though. The sad fact is, for most fame-hungry celebs it’s easier to say, “Oh my gosh, someone must have stolen the tape from my computer!” than to say, “Oh my gosh, I am so humiliatingly desperate for attention I’m going to stage a fake divorce from my David the Gnome-looking husband in order to make money off my unsettling Barbie sex tape.”

Either way, Jenna, we’re with you all the way. At least until Snooki actually makes that sex tape, because then all bets are off.

by (@hallekiefer)

Kanye Plans To Release One New Song Per Week Until Christmas, Never Sleep Again

In a move that suggests he should be featured on a very special episode of Divas Live, Kanye West has once again ripped the mic out of the music industry’s hand and shouted his genius in our collective faces. His latest project? G.O.O.D. Fridays, a project requiring that Kanye release a new song a week until Christmas.

Tweets His West-ness, “I know y’all need the music so I’m dropping 1 new song every weekend until Xmas.” Wow, and here we are, barely able to make sure we have enough clean underwear for the week. He tweets about staying up with collaborator Swizz Beatz: “Swizz looked at me the other night and said, ‘Man are you getting sleep?’ And I told him, ‘I can’t sleep … my people need this new music.’”

That’s Kanye West for you. He might not sleep, eat, maintain an acceptable level of hygiene, or recognize the difference between his waking or dream-life, but dang  if he is not prolific!

Luckily for Kanye’s sanity (and that of his Twitter followers), not all of the songs will be strictly Kanye originals. Explained West, “It may be my song, it may be a new Jay song, etc.” The G.O.O.D. songs he’s already released have include a Jay-Z remix of West’s “Power,” and West’s own Justin Bieber and Raekwon remix. We’re glad he’s giving himself at least something of a break. Put that kind of pressure on a man, and next thing you know Kanye’ll be wearing Louis Vuitton Kleenex boxes on his feet and storing jars of urine around the house. Unless he’s already doing that, in which case we say, let an artist work!

by (@hallekiefer)

VMA Host Chelsea Handler Plans “Kanye & Taylor, Round 2: Revenge Is Sweet”

kanye-west-taylor-swift

Chelsea Handler has big plans for this year’s MTV Video Music Awards. Plans that may or may not cap off the VMAs with Kanye West and Taylor Swift locked in a grudge match to the death. Handler, the recently announced host of the 2010 VMAs, hopes the two music super stars will be agree to appear within 20 feet of one another for a potential bit, explaining “I’d like to get them together. We’ve never really seen them together since then. They were supposed to be together on SNL, but then that didn’t end up happening. We’ll try to think of something clever to do with them, because that would be really fun”.

We cannot fully express what a great idea this is. In case you’ve been living in a cave your whole life (which, if you have been: Hi! Congrats on getting out of that cave, and good job figuring out how to turn on a computer and read the FabLife. You’re already making good above-ground choices), you’ll remember the epic drama that began when Kanye launched himself onstage at the 2009 VMAs and yanked the mic out of Taylor’s hand during her Best Female Video acceptance speech. Kanye then shouted that Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” video was “one of the greatest videos of all time”. Which, to be fair to him, it was. Luckily for us, if Kanye’s Twitter is any indication he is more of a diva than ever. We also heard that Taylor has been doing stiff-leg deadlifts to bulk up for the event, as well as investing in a carton of fake microphones to deploy as needed.

In addition to helping our revenge fantasies come true, the possible reunion has the added benefit of  making us incredibly excited to see Handler as the host. We will admit, at first we may have looked at the choice of Handler as VMA host and said, “Wha?” or “Huh?” or “Oh, I hope she brings that little person! What’s his name? Chuy?”. And, while we do very much hope Handler brings Chuy, we can now also look forward to all the insane celebrity interactions that she will  make a reality. With any luck, Lady Gaga won’t be the only singer bleeding out of his or her stomach this year!  [Photo: Getty Images]