Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Rachel Uchitel Downgrades So Fast She Breaks The Sound Barrier, Dates Jeremy London

racheluchitel-jeremylondon

Any reader who has accidentally swallowed a penny this afternoon is encouraged to read the story below, as you will be barfing it back up in no time. As she continues her cross-country tour of reality TV rehab facilities, Tiger Wood’s former mistress Rachel Uchitel has reportedly discovered new love. According his wife, erstwhile kidnap victim Jeremy London has been recently canoodling with the professional mistress, whom he denies dating but admits is an “amazing, intelligent and sensitive person.”

Now we all know what you’re thinking: “barf.” But maybe to Rachel Uchitel, Jeremy London isn’t just a washed-up celeb addicted to fame and probably also drugs. He is…he’s…well, we have no idea what else he might be.  Fun to have at parties? Still living off his Party of Five money?

Which brings us to the larger question:  how can Rachel Uchitel downgrade between the past men in her life to Jeremy London that hard, that fast, and not get some sort of sexual whiplash? As humiliating as the Tiger Woods scandal was for everyone involved, at least we understood the whole “attractive, multi-quadrillionaire sports star” thing. You just know they were doing it on an ostrich-feather bed with 900 count Egyptian cotton sheets. On Tiger’s private jet.  While flying over Dubai.  And rumored fling David Boreanz? Well, we’ve been known to watch a Bones marathon or two, and let’s just say it’s not for the acting.

So, what does Jeremy London have that makes him so appealing to someone who has experienced such luxury?  That one gross news boy cap? London probably doesn’t really even have a house anymore; he just sleeps on a dog bed on Dr. Drew’s patio. Which leaves us with only one possible solution: Rachel Uchitel has such terrible taste in men she literally cannot see the difference between Jeremy London and…any other man.  Can that possible be true? Again, has she seen that newsboy cap? We guess we begrudgingly give the couple our blessing, and hope these two crazy kids can find room in their busy televised-rehab and marriage-destroying careers to make this thing work. Now if you excuse us, we have to take one million showers.

[Photos: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

When A-List Stars Attack: Brad Pitt Suggests Death Penalty For BP Execs

Ah, a cup of coffee and a celebrity death-threat. Just the way we had hoped to start the week! When discussing BP’s responsibility for the oil spill in the Gulf, Brad Pitt declared, “I was never for the death penalty before.  But I am willing to look at it again.” Hoo boy! How we love it when A-list celebrities fly off the handle and start publicly plotting murder!

While we would have preferred an alcohol-fueled rant during the Academy Awards (fingers crossed for 2011!), Brad Pitt’s death penalty diatribe against BP instead comes as part of Spike Lee’s If God Is Willing and Da Creek Don’t Rise, the director’s new documentary about New Orleans and sequel to 2006′s When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts. Pitt and partner Angelina Jolie own a home in New Orleans, and Pitt even started a foundation to help rebuild homes following Hurricane Katrina. While Lee’s new documentary originally ended with the New Orleans Saints’ triumphant victory during the 2010 Super Bowl, the oil spill required Spike Lee to add almost an hour of footage to the film, including an ending with a decidedly less optimistic slant.

As much as we agree with Pitt’s sentiment, we can’t help but be surprised at how little thought he put behind it. Everyone knows the long-term effects of the oil spill are going to kill everyone anyway; why waste time and money sending BP executives to jail first?! Think, Brad Pitt, think! If God Is Willing premieres tonight on HBO with a finale that is now up-to-date, provided of course that New Orleans isn’t visited by any other disasters of biblical proportion before now and then. Which, sadly, is actually  a pretty big if.

by (@hallekiefer)

Jesse James Makes $100,000 On eBay Off Collectors Of Gross Ex-Husband Memorabilia

In need of some cash to get Kat Von D’s tramp stamp colored to match his (we’re assuming), Jesse James‘ eBay sales have recently raked in a jaw-dropping $118,000. Not surprisingly, a lot of the items experienced a suspicious hike in value over the past couple months, the kind that comes when the item for sale belongs to a famous person. Or in this case, the lying, cheating ex-husband of a famous person. Even the items with legitimate value sold for some seriously inflated coin: a vintage motorcycle priced to move at $1,500 eventually sold for $30,302. Because who wouldn’t want to sit where a butt bearing Sandra Bullock‘s stiletto print once sat? That’s a piece of Hollywood history right there!

The most …egregious…item that was purchased, however, was a West Coast Choppers-themed soap on a rope. So, how much would someone pay for what was literally a bar of soap attached to a string? $76.95. Soap. On a rope. For $76.95. America, we are doing this to ourselves, really. We love celebrities as much as the next person, but come on. Close your browser and put those dollars toward your kid’s college fund. We just hope that it is the most effective, best smelling soap on the planet, because who ever bought it now has to live with the knowledge that he or she paid $80 FOR A BAR OF SOAP just because it belonged to Jesse James. Now, if you’ll excuse us, there are a couple of bids we need to go check on.

by (@hallekiefer)

Lindsay’s Crazy Behavior Might Be The Result of Drugs, Just Not The Ones You’d Think

61100971

Uh oh, now this is embarrassing. The whole time we’ve been scandalized by the roller coaster ride that is Lindsay Lohan, Adderall use might actually be the reason for her notoriously erratic behavior. According to doctors at UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital, the treatment facility Lindsay was released to once she flew the coop, Lohan was misdiagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Unfortunately, she was also prescribed the heavy duty medication designed to treat the illness. According to doctors, if someone takes Adderall when they don’t have ADHD, they “can experience similar effects as people who use cocaine or methamphetamine”, eventually exhibiting manic behavior and insomnia. Hmmm, any of that sound familiar? Actually, any chance the whole Lohan family has a prescription?

We would ask how Lindsay’s physician could misdiagnose her so badly, but if recent celebrity deaths tell us anything, the doctors that hover around famous people usually have the words “Of Mixology” printed on their diplomas. Combine the Adderall with a party mom, nutso dad and a million dollar bank account, and you’ve got a serious recipe for disaster, as well as an explanation for why Lindsay would do that to her lips. We really hope this leads to an upturn in Lohan’s mental health, and are sending her good vibes. Oh, and while we’re at it, someone check Mel Gibson’s medicine cabinet. He’s probably just horrible, but it’s worth a try. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki’s New Man Not The Juice-Head White Knight We’ve Been Waiting For

SPL202517_038

According to Jersey Shore‘s professional slap fighter Angelina, not only did Snooki’s boyfriend Jeff Miranda try to smush her and the other ladies of the house, he is in fact only dating Snooki for the incredibly tiny piece of fame it will get him. According to the Kim Kardashian of her own mind, “Jeff used to try and hook up with me all the time after we were done filming in Miami. He really wanted to be my boyfriend.” GASP! IN! HORROR! Are you telling me this Miranda guy hasn’t been penning sonnets for months in order to woe Snooki from her chastity? Look, Snickers isn’t exactly hoping to date Colin Firth here. When a girl’s main criteria for a boyfriend include the words “gorilla”, “juiced” and “muscle” in no particular order, she might not be expecting a promise ring. Still, no one wants to see that little poof deflated.

But as it turns out, being a gorilla in heat isn’t even the half of it for this guy. According to Angie, Miranda was also “always saying mean things about the cast…he said Snooki was gross. He called J-WOWW a man and Ronnie a short loser.” But…but…but only we are allowed to call them that! This is just like in high school when you complain about your mom all the time, but when your friend says, “I know, she’s the worst”, you realize you are going to have to punch him/her in the face for insulting the cast of Jersey Shore. Or something like that, you get our drift. We really, really, really don’t want Angelina to be right, ever, but given that Snooki’s man was just spotted cavorting with strippers, she’s probably dead-on about his guy being a loser. We just hope Snooki isn’t crushed; she’s going to be wearing her black mourning slippers for weeks. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Jennifer Aniston Drops The R-Bomb, Has Wacky Idea Of What Mentally Disabled Are Like

jennifer-anistongettyimages

As much as we love, pity and love to pity this girl, someone should have told Jennifer Aniston “retard” is not appropriate table-talk for a national morning TV show. Or, you know, ever.

Aniston is firmly ensconced in America’s dog house today after blurting out the r-word on Regis & Kelly Thursday morning. The word came in response to Reg’s questions about Aniston’s recent photo homage to Barbara Streisand. “Yeah, I got to play dress up,” Aniston babbled in reply, “I do it for a living, like a retard.” Which, we’re sorry, isn’t even a recognized stereotype about mentally disabled people. “Oh, you know the retarded. Always dressing up like famous female singers and taking pictures for magazines.” No, no one thinks that. Except for Jennifer Aniston, apparently.

Numerous disability rights organizations have step forwarded to throw a “Say what?” toward Aniston’s slur. Special Olympics spokeswoman Kirsten Sechkler explained, “Sadly, people use the word pervasively even if they don’t realize it. People with intellectual disabilities have fought their whole lives for understanding and recognition. When people continue to use the R word, it’s hurtful.”

We’re sure Aniston realizes her mistake by now; she used the r-word when she clearly meant to use a word like “ridiculous” or “foolish” or “incredibly wealthy and successful actress, formerly on Friends.” We’re sure if Jen just apologized for the insult, we could all move on to what’s really important: how she is ever going to find a man NOW?!?!  [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Happy Birthday, Frances Bean! Your Mom Tweeted You A Gift!

Hoo boy. And we though our mom was embarrassing (Just kidding. Hi Mom!). In a move that should no longer seem bizarre to any of us, Courtney Love commemorated her daughter Frances’s 18th birthday the best way she knows how: via a five-hour-long social media meltdown. Most moms are content to send a thoughtful e-card; for Courtney Love Twitter is the only way to really say “I care…also, I have totally lost it.” Frances Bean’s birthday began on a positive enough note, with Love tweeting her kid well-wishes.

Unfortunately, the tweets soon devolved into posts such as “youve done a dammed good job frances of destroying anything i could build that is positive, and i want to know why now that your of age.” Lol, Mooooooom! Just what every girl wants when she matures into young womanhood: a wildly-misspelled 140-character accusation from her insane rock star mother. That and a Sephora gift card!

Many of the posts discuss Frances’s emancipation from Courtney in 2009, which provoked Love to pen such posts as, “i love you no matter what i just dont understand why youd write me such a letter and then de;lberately and knowingly rob me of any joy. why?” Frances, can you please finish eating that piece of cake and tell your mother why you’d rob her of any joy, please? Then we can all go get manis and unwrap your presents! We here at the FabLife wish Frances a happy, stress-free birthday. As for her mother, we wish Courtney will get the Twitter “fail whale” so she can give her fingers, and offspring, a rest.

by (@hallekiefer)

Jersey Shore Gets Truckload of Free Condoms And Booze; America Gets The Gift Of Quality TV

jersey-1

Like manna from heaven, our favorite juice-head gorillas  just unexpectedly received everything they could possibly need to stay as burnt-orange, veiny and STD-free as they wanna be. A truck baring a mountain of boxes pulled up to the house and gave the cast of Jersey Shore condoms, bottles of vodka, gym bags, self-tanner, free gym memberships, and a host of other epically Jersey goods…and all of it for free.

Or, if you look at it any other way, the cast received vodka, self-tanner, and bags; the rest of America got the hope of a baby-free Jersey Shore house. At least until the condoms run out. Next week. To be honest we weren’t super-worried about any little JS rug-rats running around the house anytime soon (steroids are a hell of a drug), but we’ll sleep better at night knowing that Sammi and Ronnie can keep their smushing infant-free.

The gift/publicity stunt came courtesy of Moishe’s Mobile Storage, who’s President Rami Haim explained, “Having watched what these kids must endure for fame, we felt obliged to pull together and deliver everything they could possibly need to make it to the end of summer.” We hope the delivery also came with a free storage unit the cast can all live in when the show is over. Too soon?

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Fred Armisen Now Dating SNL’s Abby Elliot. No, Seriously, We Didn’t Believe It Either.

We guess it’s true what they say: age ain’t nothing but a number. Even if it’s a number that makes you very, very uncomfortable. Less than a week after news of his divorce from Elizabeth Moss hit the internet, SNL‘s Fred Armisen, 43, has moved on…and into the arms of his 23-year-old coworker. Armisen has recently been spotted around town with fellow SNL performer Abby Elliot, and according to sources, “Fred and Abby are getting to know each other in a romantic way and taking things very slowly but enjoying each other’s company.”

Well, color us flabbergasted. We were amazed enough at Armisen’s marriage to Moss; this relationship grants him official lothario status. He can now join David Spade as a leading member of the National Association of Inexplicably Lucky Men. Abby is also the daughter of actor Chris Elliot, who is only seven years older than Armisen and must feel great about the whole thing.

Reportedly, the two comedians have “known each other for a few years from being on SNL together but after the split, Fred sought comfort in Abby. They just started dating a few months ago.” A few months ago? Yikes, Armisen does not let grass grow under his feet, does he? There’s even gossip that Fred and Abby were spotted smooching during the most romantic movie imaginable, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, at the Landmark Theater in New York. All we have to say is, Armisen must have the best personality on the face of the planet. Oh, who are we kidding? Even that wouldn’t explain it. We suspect the dark arts.

by (@hallekiefer)

Gaga’s Producer Promises To “Shock” Us, Setting The Bar Crazy-High

Pardon the drool all over this post, but any news we can get about Lady Gaga’s next album makes us swoon face-first onto the keyboard. According to Gaga’s producer, the next generation of Lady G isn’t going to be just great; it’s going to blow our mind socks off. “It’s going to be shocking, shocking, shocking,” raves producer RedOne about the upcoming album.

We love that the one thing Gaga’s producer is excited about is how scandalized we’ll all be by it. Not that it’s good. Not that it’s well-made. Just that it’s going to leave us sitting in front of the stereo with our mouths open and eyebrows burned off. These two sound like a match made in cigarette-goggle heaven.

Continues RedOne, “We still want to give them something with a kick, something that makes them say, ‘Oh my God! We didn’t expect this!’” Squee! But given the eye-brow raisers Gaga has delivered unto us in the past, what could she do next that we wouldn’t expect? A woman who has already bled from her stomach at the VMAs, greeted the Queen in a latex dress and donned an exposed monster spinal cord really needs to work in order to up the ante. So just in case these two are on the lookout for fresh ideas, we have a few suggestions for how Gaga can take it to the next insane level:

  • Coinciding with the album’s release, Gaga pulls a 180 and refuses to wear anything but body-concealing bottoms: mom jeans, peasant skirts, huge billowing harem pants that conceal a grand piano and JNCOs.
  • Gaga cheats on Kermit with every member of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. At the same time.
  • Has anyone done anything with Sasquatch yet? Okay, so, music video with Sasquatch. No, sorry, we meant sex tape with Sasquatch.
  • Gaga dyes her platinum hair back to brown. Actually, no, scratch that. We don’t think we could handle a change that huge.