Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Taylor Momsen Vs. Rihanna: The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown

taylorrihannamain

Taylor Momsen seriously has a death wish, or at least a slapped-upside-the-head wish. In her new interview with SPIN magazine, Taylor once again suffers a severe attack of verbal diarrhea, this time expounding on her weirdly antagonistic feelings toward Rihanna. Thoughts like, “People think pop is rock, and the lines are getting blurred. Now Rihanna’s wearing f*ckin’ leather jackets, and it’s really annoying.” OMG, Taylor.

First of all, we forgot Momsen owns the patent on leather jackets. Glad we cleared that up. Second of all, girl-child please. Taylor is clearly forgetting the most cardinal rule of trash talk etiquette. You do not rip on a woman with a neck tattoo. Period. There is nothing more rock than a neck tat, end of story. And if said woman’s tattoo may or may not be misspelled? Look, we’ve all seen Rihanna dance on a tank; you think she wouldn’t drive that thing into the side of your house?

17-year-old Momsen also held hold court on her particular brand of fashion, describing her signature ripped-fishnets-and bleachy-blonde mop look as “high-class hooker,” undoubtedly drawing the ire of actual high-class hookers the world over. “I dress for myself,” Taylor said. “Clearly, it’s provocative, but it makes me feel good. And if the only reason it makes someone uncomfortable is because I’m 17, then that person’s a scumbag because it shouldn’t matter.”

You heard it here first, folks. Only scumbags feel skeeved out by Taylor’s constantly-visible underwear and towering Frankenstein heels. Now if you’ll excuse us, there’s a National Scumbags of America meeting we are guest-speaking at tonight, and we don’t want to get caught in traffic. [Photo: Getty Images/Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Kristen Bell To Play Youngest MILF In The World

kristenbell_milf

In the latest example of Hollywood’s total disassociation from reality, Kristen Bell has just been cast as the young mom of a precocious ballet dancer…who happens to be twelve years old. The 30-year-old Veronica Mars star will reportedly appear in the upcoming black comedy Dance of the Mirlitons as a ruthless stage mom. Meanwhile sources say filmmakers are currently in the midst of a “nationwide casting search for a young actress to play a precocious 10 to 12 year old.” So, Bell’s daughter would be at least a third of her age. What is this, a Lifetime movie?

Gushes producer Daniel Dubiecki, “Kristen’s combination of comedic timing and authenticity will bring this character to the next level, and give this crossover appeal.” We couldn’t agree more with that; this role sounds like one Bell can actually sink her teeth into (No offense, When In Rome). What we can’t really picture, however, is  how they’re going to explain the fact Bell must have given birth in A.P. chemistry class to have a kid that age.

Now, we’re all used to actresses barely over 35 playing Mother to teenage children (Amy Poehler‘s fun mom in Mean Girls, anyone?), but it still icks us out to see one so young we practically need file a police report for even thinking about when her kid was conceived. Besides, even if we forget about Kristen’s age, there is still her cherubic face, which makes her look much younger than many actresses her age. You cast Lindsay Lohan as the grandpa in “Little Miss Sunshine,” no one would have batted an eye. But Kristen Bell as mama to a tween? She barely looks old enough to drive! We’re already looking forward to Dance of the Mirlitons 2, featuring Miley Cyrus as the proud, self-sufficient single mother of Dakota Fanning. Wait…if we closed our eyes and only listened to them talking, that might actually work…. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Ted Nugent Unfamiliar With How Laws, Cameras Work

Mountain man, rocker and a few cards short of a full deck Ted Nugent was hit with a $1,750 fine after illegally killing a deer…while the cameras were rolling. Unlike most people (but very much like most reality stars), Nugent made the mistake of committing the crime while filming his show Spirit of the Wild for the Outdoor Channel.

According to a Northern California court, the “Cat Scratch Fever” singer  unlawfully used a bow and arrow to take down a spiked buck, a pre-teen dear characterized by small antlers that are considered too young to hunt. In Ted’s defense, its probably pretty difficult to get a good look at a deer’s antlers while you are busy shooting it. Oh, and did we mention there were two wardens standing there watching Ted do it?

According to California Department of Fish and Game spokesman Patrick Foy, the wardens “watched him appear to shoot a spiked buck, which is an illegal buck to take, because it’s too small. And he had it right there on television, and it wasn’t live, it was taped.” So basically Nugent recorded his own episode of COPS, made an agreement with a TV station to air it, and then broadcast it to America. We would ask why the wardens didn’t try to stop him, but let’s be honest; we’ve all seen pictures of Ted Nugent. 

by (@hallekiefer)

Kim Kardashian Was Gunning For Reality Stardom Before She Could Tie Her Shoes

kimkardashian2

If you’re thinking Kim Kardashian stumbled into reality TV infamy purely by sexy accident, think again; she’s actually been planning it since grade school. In an interview with Allure, Kardashian explains what was going on in the adolescent mind of the reality TV diva, saying “in elementary school, The Real World came on and I was like, That’s it! I know I want to be on a reality show. And I was like, OK, when I’m old enough, I will make an audition tape.” Who could have predicted that audition tape would also star Ray J and an overly ornate wrought iron headboard?

Unlike us, Kim is totally over her scandalous beginnings, brushing aside questions about her sex tape while admitting, “Not my most proud moment. It was humiliating. But now let’s move on.” Move on?! From illicit nudity?! Allright, but only if we can get a super-TMI peek at your grooming habits. Says Kim, “I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, legs, underarms…my entire body is hairless.” See, that’s one stereotype that Armenians just can’t shake: they all love lasers!

Kardashian goes on to dish about sisters Khloe and Kourtney, her love life, and her elite all-girls high school, where she was voted “Most Likely to Meet Her Husband at the Million Man March” and “Most Likely to Lie About Her Ethnicity.” That’s not a joke on our part; those were actual categories. Wow, no wonder Kim wanted to get on reality TV so bad; it probably looked like an oasis of sanity compared to her classmates. Kardashian also said she would love to explore a possible sitcom in the future, “maybe about a career woman,” perhaps not realizing that she already living in one, albeit with more butt-related story arcs. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Marilyn Manson And Evan Rachel Wood Call It Quits; The Rest Of Us Should Just Give Up Now

evan-marilyn

Tear up those sonnets you wrote and cancel Valentine’s Day, you guys. Its official: love is dead. After four tumultuous, guy-liner smeared years of romance, Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood are finally throwing in the filth towel.

Sources report that the couple separated last week, ending their eight-month engagement.  Oh lord, we’re sorry if there are too many spelling errors in this post, but we can barely see through the tears! After Manson was spotted drowning his sorrows with several lovely ladies at L.A.’s Boudoir, a friend confirmed the split, saying, “They just broke off their engagement, and he needed a night out with friends.” We don’t blame him! We might need a night off with our many beautiful lady friends to recover from this shocking blow too.

The two lovebirds met at a party in 2006, when Wood was so young our hands are refuse to type her age, and have been on-again, off-again ever since. People familiar with Wood and Manson’s relationship know that the two have broken up and gotten back together so many times, it’s starting to remind us of our high school boyfriend. Which makes sense, considering Manson basically was Wood’s high school boyfriend.  But this! We didn’t get an inkling that these two kooks wouldn’t make it/destroy each other in a big public blow-out. Now we’ll never have the fairy-tale wedding we were hoping for (The fairy-tale being Bluebeard)! We just hope Evan keeps in mind that not everyone gets the washed-up middle-aged vampire boyfriend of their dreams.

Now if you’ll excuse us, there is a Drop Dead Diva marathon we need to watch, and a black satin pillow that needs to be sobbed into.  [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

JetBlue Slide-Jumper Steven Slater To Be The Next Snooki?

SPL202345_002

First of all, let us just say: that headline was a joke. Please, like there could be another Snooki. Like we would even. As it turns out, our predictions about disgruntled flight attendant Steven Slater’s career in television weren’t very far off the mark. But instead of a Lifetime tv movie, or even a very special episode of COPS, Slater is on the verge of getting his very own reality show.

According to sources, “Stone Entertainment…is going after Slater to host a show in which various disgruntled workers quit their jobs in extravagant ways.” As much as we would love, love, love to watch this program, have people not heard of this little thing called the economy? Quitting your job at TGIFriday’s by setting fire to your flare and throwing a high chair through the front window would put something of a black mark on the ol’ resume, no? That being said, Slater himself is proof that scaring the costumers can lead to fame and fortune, or at least to eight episodes dedicated to helping Levi Johnston quit his job as mayor of Wasilla.

To aid him in turning notoriety into dollar signs, Slater has hired “crisis PR specialist” Howard Bragman, who says “I very much believe that Steven touched a nerve with the American people and am proud to be helping him tell his story at the appropriate time in the appropriate way.” We don’t know what about his client Bragman could possible describe as “appropriate”, but whatever these two come up with, it had better be good. Maybe a show where every week Slater goes insane and leaps out of a different vehicle. Cruise ship? Hovercraft? Space shuttle? The possibilities are endless. Thow in one of those Duggar kids as a side-kick, Mr. Bragman, and you and our DVR have a deal.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Elisabeth Moss And Fred Armisen Split Up: If These Two Can’t Make It, Who Can?

Just 10 months into their marriage Mad Men star Elisabeth Moss and SNL performer Fred Armisen are getting ready to throw in the towel. In a development that shocked only Moss and Armisen’s grandmas, the couple apparently separated this spring, less than a year after they took vows in New York. While we wished both of them the best at the time, we would be lying if we didn’t say some small part of us was thinking, “Him? Her? Huh?”. A gorgeous young actress on a hit tv drama and a forty-something comedian whose characters can be collectively described as “unsettling” didn’t immediately scream soul mates to us. According to sources,“Fred and Elisabeth separated in May. Fred is currently in Portland, Ore. on the set of his new series Portlandia. Elisabeth is in LA focusing on her career and spending quiet time with friends.” We wonder if the fifteen-year age difference was a big factor, given that Armisen is 43 and Moss only 28. Though of course, just look at Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. Those two are making it work. Or was it because Moss is a practicing Scientologist, and Armisen (as far as we can tell) is not? After all, just look at Tom Cruise and Ka…actually, no, don’t look at them. Please, do not look at them. We guess this explains why last year Elisabeth told reporters, “We just don’t disagree on anything. It’s weird.” They didn’t disagree because they didn’t actually talk; Armisen just sat there with his mouth open, unable to believe his luck, while Moss audited her engrams and tried to get into Operating Thetan Level III. Marriage: it sure is a lot of work!

by (@hallekiefer)

Jesse James and Kat Von D Canoodle On Date, Charles Darwin Spins In Grave

Is there some study that shows tattoo ink slowly dissolves your brain’s logic centers? Because if not, we think there is a lot of money to be made studying why in the name of all that is holy LA Ink’s Kat Von D would be eating dinner with terrible husband and vanilla gorilla Jesse James.  Seen together in at the Palms Casino Resort’s N9NE in Las Vegas, the two were “spotted holding hands. They continued holding hands as they left dinner and headed to a black Mercedes that James was driving.”

Nooooooooooooooooo! Girl, get that hand to an exorcist, stat! We aren’t trying to say that men who cheat (so, so terribly much) can’t later turn out to be decent, loyal partners. Plenty of men have strayed only to become good husbands like….um…. what’s his name, you know…and, uh, the guy with the hat.

Sure, Kat Von D might not have a stellar record when it comes to boyfriends; her most famous flings have been with Nikki Six and Steve-O, not exactly two pillars of society. As for Jesse James though, let’s just say, dating someone who’s slept with a white supremacist? That’s a deal breaker, ladies. Which is why we would rather issue a warning to Kat now rather than an “I told you so” later: Girlfriend, you do not want be accepting your Oscar for Best Tramp Stamp or whatever they give out in the tattoo community, only to find out your man is sneaking around your back with some plain-skinned, no-make-up-wearing kindergarten teacher or something. Because if there’s anything Jesse James loves more than cheating, it’s mixing it up. But mostly just cheating.

[Photos: Getty, ]

by (@hallekiefer)

Patti Stanger Breaks Off Engagement: Always The Matchmaker, Never The Matched

Move over, Jennifer Aniston; there’s a new tragic spinster in town!  Known on her show Millionaire Matchmaker for her undying belief in love and a clinical addiction to spray tanning, Patti Stanger has broken off her engagement with fiancé Andy Friedman. The matchmaker tweeted, “I just ended my relationship with Andy. It hit me really hard that I want kids in my life. You have to agree on the non-negotiables.”

The two had gotten engaged May 31, Patti’s 49th birthday. We could not be more bummed about this! In addition to proving that we too can be loved despite our giant lantern jaws, Stanger’s engagement was the one defense she had against critics who questioned whether an unmarried almost-senior-citizen was really qualified to find other people a mate. Granted, those critics were usually skanks Patti was throwing out of a millionare’s meet-and-greet, but still. They sort of had a point. Patti being single again is like finally realizing Donald Trump doesn’t really know how to pick a good apprentice, or that Brett Michaels is actually terrible at finding love. We suspect Patti might be an example of “those who cannot do, teach.” Those who cannot marry, yell at you to get your hair straightened and to not give it up on a first date.

But if brain surgeons can be good at their job without ever having a lobotomy, then Patti can help her clients without ever having had a husband.  We would also support it if she wanted to give some of her clients lobotomies. That show would have something for everybody!

by (@hallekiefer)

McCain Says Snooki’s Too Hot For Jail, Finally Proves That He’s Cooler Than Obama

mccain-snooks-550rnrnIn a desperate attempt to seem hip to young people, John McCain once again spills the beans about his hopeless crush on Snooki, this time during a radio interview. Yesterday, the former Presidential candidate practically swooned into the microphone while talking to Phoenix’s KMLE, agreeing that, “I kind of think she might be too good looking to go to jail,” when asked about the Jersey Shore star’s recent run-in with the law. So, did his handlers just show John McCain a picture of Snooki and say, “This is what people find attractive now”? Or did they have to Photoshop a bustle and parasol onto her before he really got it? Because, seriously, ew. rnrnAlso, let’s be honest here, people. As much as we love and cherish our Snickers (almost too much, our therapists would argue), she …how should we put this… she definitely has the goods to be crowned Miss Edna Mahan Correctional Facility for Women 2010. That poof was born to conceal a shiv, a pack of smokes, and a slightly smaller poof underneath it. Luckily for McCain, his infatuation is far from one-sided; the May-December lovebirds have tweeted at each other, and Snooki has mentioned before that she thought the 73-year-old Senator is “really cute.” Which, once again, ew. rnrnWe, on the other hand, continue to be baffled by how hard McCain is working to seem relevant to the younger generations. Is this going to be part of his 2012 campaign? God help us if knowing about Snooki determines whether or not someone will be elected leader of the free world. Wait a minute…we know EVERYTHING about Snooki! Get the Palin on the phone; we’ve got a nation to lead! [Photo: Getty Images]