Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

The Situation Makes 15-Minute Workout Video, Forgets To Mention It’s 15 Minutes Every Hour

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It might not be the end of summer just yet, but we here at the FabLife would like to remind everyone that the holidays are practically around the corner! We already know what our loved ones are going to get in their stockings this year: The Situation‘s upcoming ab workout video! We are so thoughtful!

Titled appropriately enough “The Situation Workout,” we can’t think of a better way to show our friends and relatives that we care about them than to give them the gift of abs so rock-hard we could snap 2x4s across them. And we will. O, how we will. “He’s got what people consider a great body, hence his name ‘The Situation’, so we decided what better way for people to get their own situation,” says The Sitch’s brother and manager, Marc Sorrentino, about the video. Would that we all had a situation! Right now, we have more of what the doctors call a condition.

The video will feature The Situation flanked by several lovely, steel-stomached ladies as they use dumbbells to carve their abdominal flesh like Michelangelo carved the David. Besides being excellent brand-management, we feel like the Sitch was destined to make work-out videos, like King Arthur was destined to remove the sword from the stone; both of them hang out with a gnarled wizard (in the Sitch’s case, Angelina). His videos will be like the new Tae Bo, except Billy Banks didn’t have the face of a cartoon baby from the ’40s. So, we guess, Billy Banks from the neck down, and the rest is all Richard Simmons. [Photo: Terry's Diary]

by (@hallekiefer)

The Olsen Twins Want To Dress Michelle Obama, Filthy Hippie Chic To Sweep Nation

ao-mo-mkornrnTeacup-sized designers Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have big plans for their designer clothing line the Row. So big, in fact, that they’re going to start with the White House. According to the twins, their high-end label would be perfect for Michelle Obama. Gushes Ashley, “I’d love to get Michelle Obama in the Row. The simple suits and things.” rnrnAs most people with the power of sight know, the Olsens are well-known for dressing like Janis Joplin and Cousin It on a bender (Historical note: this may have actually happened).  We doubt Mary-Kate and Ashley have the same definition for the word “simple” — and, while we’re at it, the word “suit” — as the rest of America.  However, the past few years have seen the twins make a glacially slow move away from Oscar the Grouch chic and toward a sleeker, albeit still bizarrely oversized, wardrobe. Perhaps Mary-Kate abd Ashley have been wearing such enormous frocks this entire time as a way to make a statement to the 5’10” FLOTUS. A statement like, “We refuse to make clothes that fit anyone beside you, Michelle; we don’t care how many car doors or street cleaners we must get caught before you buy them.”rnrnBut fit isn’t the only reason the First Lady should grab her AmEx and helicopter over to the mall. Says Ashley, “It’s all made in America, so why not?” Good point, Olsen #2! Unfortunately Mrs. Obama caught so much flack for flashing her bare arms after becoming First Lady, we can only imagine what FOX News would have to say if she showed up in a formal denim jumpsuit or a white satin fem-tuxedo. Rush Limbaugh would have a heart attack for days. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Advice for Zac Efron: How To Not Be The Next Jonathan Taylor Thomas

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Let’s start out with the best quote from Zac Efron’s new interview in the September issue of Details: “‘Oh…my…God,’ Efron says with a gasp. ‘It’s like the best…orgasm…ever! And I just keep coming!” Unfortunately Zac was only describing running water over his poison oak rash. How disappointing.

Luckily for us, the essay is more than just six pages of getting us worked up over nothing; it also paints an interesting portrait of a Disney star on the verge of becoming a legitimate actor. As Zac enters his “Not A Boy, Not Yet Our Boyfriend” stage of life, he has to some how negotiate how to go from dribbling synchronized basketballs in a choreographed musical number to…well, literally anything else. But how does one get a career that is more Johnny Depp than Joey Lawrence (Just kidding. Watch The Manny this fall on ABC Family!) And what about Kirk Cameron? WHAT ABOUT KIRK CAMERON?

While we’re all pretty sure Zac was created at the Harvard Lab for Perfect Boyfriend Research, its going to take something of an image make-over to ensure he won’t end up crammed in a studio apartment with Freddie Prinze Jr. and Scott Wolf (Party of Five? Ring any bells?). 17 Again and Charlie St. Cloud director Burr Steers describes having to wring the Mickey Mouse out of his star, explaining “It’s something you go through with a lot of these young Disney actors. Teaching them that when they’re acting, they don’t need to worry so much about being polite.” Some have even suggested that Efron’s recent romp with a cadre of strippers was a deliberate move to distance himself from his baby-faced roots. Hopefully his latest movie, Charlie St. Cloud, will help him do the same.  Maybe “Zac Efron” didn’t immediately scream “crazy loner who can see the ghost of his little brother” before, but it sure does now! Efron also passed on a role in the upcoming Footloose remake, thus showing wisdom beyond his years.

So who should Efrom take his career cues from? He doesn’t really have the comedic chops of former teen stars Will Smith or Jason Bateman, at least that we’ve seen. And whatever he does, he shouldn’t try to out Pattinson Robert Pattinson. It just can’t be done. Have you seen that kid brood? Forget it. Our advice for the next wave of the Zac attack? Follow Tom Cruise’s career path….up to a point. Maybe Zac isn’t the funniest guy in the room, but he works like a machine, and has enough charisma and self-confidence keep our eyes vacuum-sealed to the screen every time. So go ahead, branch out into roles where you play the twitchy weirdo, maybe even go to Cruise’s for a motorcycle ride or two. Just whatever you do, steer clear of Scientology. Do you hear us? Don’t even go there.

by (@hallekiefer)

Montana Fishburne And The Celeb Sex Tape Of The New Decade

celebsextapes-550In all of our lives, there are certain things that we’d like to think we would only do if we were seriously strapped for cash, like reusing our underwear by turning it inside out or renting movies from the library. Or, potentially, having sex with one or more strangers to be recorded and sold on the internet. So when someone who doesn’t need the money — like, say, the daughter of an well-regarded actor — starts to making Costco runs to stock up on K-Y, we can’t help but have one collective eye brow raised in disbelief. rnrnAs you have no doubt heard by now, Montana Fisburne’s much-ballyhooed porn film dropped today and, in celebration of this momentous date, we’d like to do our best to answer the burning question on everyone’s mind: “Wha?”

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by (@hallekiefer)

“Drops Of Jupiter” Incites Charlie Sheen To Violence, Everyone Else To Vomiting

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In the latest human disaster news, Charlie Sheen is citing Train‘s “Drops of Jupiter” as the impetus for the crazy attack he committed against wife Brooke Mueller on Christmas 2009. According to Sheen, Mueller became jealous of his relationship with his daughter, which included loving Train’s 2001 hit single and using “two tracking telescopes… so they could both look at the same point in the universe at the same time, as a way of staying connected.” Let’s hope his daughter was looking up at the sky; if not, she may have caught a glimpse of her father’s career spiraling toward the ground in flames.

Mueller was supposedly enraged by the two’s close bond; Sheen quotes her as saying “You have a song with you share with your daughter, but not one with me?”, provoking both of them to “slap” at “each others’ hands or wrists.” We could not make this foolishness up if we tried. Seriously though, this is a great tactical move for Sheen. Most people agree that nothing makes you look less like a crazy monster person than explaining how a cheesy pop song incited you to manhandle your girlfriend. “Well, Your Honor, you see, I had a telescope and that Train song was playing and one thing lead to another…you know how it is. May I leave jail now?” Of course we know how it is! We can’t tell you how many times we’ve just been hanging out, looking through our telescopes and being total nutter-butters, when all of a sudden we committed a horrible crime against another person! Happens to the best of us! Oh no, sorry, we meant “the worst of us.” It happens to the worst of us. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki Vows To Stop Drinking (During The Daytime, That Is)

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After her recent run-in with the boys in blue, Snooki has been surprisingly reflective in interviews (and no, we’re not referring to the glare of her hot dog-colored skin). Quoth the Snicks, “I just felt really bad, so I’m definitely going to stop drinking during the daytime.” Jeez Louise, why don’t you just join a nunnery while you’re at it!? Look, we don’t watch reality television to see people act responsibly and make mature decisions; we watch it to find out who is going to be the first person to throw up in the hot tub (our money’s on Ronnie!).

Snickers also admitted that her appeal doesn’t stop at the schoolhouse door:  “When I see 7 year-olds, they’re like, ‘Oh, I envy you.’ I’m like, ‘Why? You’re seeing me party.’” Why Snooki is even interacting with 7 year-olds in the first place, we may never know. We blame the schools! But seriously, the only reason a little kid would think Snooki is cool is because she is approximately the same height and size of a first-grader; they probably just confused and assumed she was their age, which is totally understandable, AND would actually make for a pretty amazing show.  It would just be the regular Jersey Shore crew and one outrageous 7-year-old with a giant poof and a Capri Sun bong. Don’t front, you know you’d watch it. [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Megan Fox’s Smooches Costar; Costar Says ‘Eh’

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For a man so diminutive, Dominic Monaghan must have some huge cojones. When asked what it’s like to kiss co-star Megan Fox, the former LOST actor and erstwhile hobbit joked, “It’s alright.” Then when a tiny red laser dot appeared on his forehead, he cleared his throat and said, “No, I’m just kidding. It’s fine, it’s work.”

Megan then powered down her ocular machine gun and went back to doodling “Mrs. Brian Austin Green” in purple marker on a napkin. The two actors recently worked together on the video for Eminem‘s “Love The Way You Lie” video, which depicts the pair as an abusive couple so passionate that some question whether the video glamorizes the domestic violence it is meant to criticize. Well, that’s not exactly the ideal place to be assessing someone’s kissing ability, now is it? We respectfully demand a re-kiss!

To be honest, we too have been wondering what it would be like to plant one on a person so smoldering, so elegant, so perfectly sculpted by the hands of many, many plastic surgeons as Ms. Fox. We imagine it would be like kissing a beautiful new vinyl ottoman, or a mannequin with great hair.  Monaghan continued, probably while laughing nervously, “I said, ‘Look, I know that you’re married and I don’t want to do anything inappropriate.’ And she said, ‘It’s all kind of inappropriate, huh.’” Which is just darling of Dominic to say, but let’s be real.  It’s only a matter of time before Fox rolls over in the morning, notices that her husband is a washed-up 90210 actor 13 years her senior, and runs out of that marriage so fast she knocks a Megan Fox-shaped hole through the wall. And then Hollywood, look out! You’re going to get the most mediocre make-out of your life. [Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki’s Ex Attempts To Win Her Back, It’s As Pathetic As You Would Imagine

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While most of us are still basking in the umber glow of last night’s amazing Jersey Shore episode, we sadly have to acknowledge that not everyone is enjoying the spectacle like they should have. Take Snooki‘s ex-boyfriend Emilio Masella for example, who continues to pine for the sweet kisses of his ex’s weird beige mouth.  Claims Emilio, “I came back to the shore because I still care about Snooki. I need a chance to really tell her how I feel.”

Aw, how sweet is that? So how exactly did Emilio express this deep love and affection for our girl Snickers? Oh, right, by wandering around the boardwalk in a t-shirt that read “Free Hugs” and creeping on random women. Wow, we cannot believe Snooki didn’t just snap this gem up on the spot. He is like the human equivalent of $395 bedazzled sunglasses.  To be fair, the scheme does seem tailor-made to appeal to Snooki; it is both completely incomprehensible and involves lots of hugs.

Unfortunately for Mr. Lonelyhearts Snooki took no notice, and even left the club with a different juiced-up gorilla, after which Emilio went home and sobbed into his product-encrusted pillow. Oh, sorry, we mean: went home and smushed with Random Girl He Hugged #312. And we were like, EMILIO! [Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Biggest Loser’s Jillian Michaels Hawks Lethal Diet Pills, Looks Great In Bike Shorts

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Jillian Michaels is about to face the wrath of big-boned people everywhere, as the trainer made famous on Biggest Loser faces a class-action lawsuit over her supposedly toxic detox supplement. The suit claims that Michaels’ Triple Process Total Body Detox & Cleanse diet medication is packed with unhealthy chemicals, one of which, Irish moss powder, is allegedly “so toxic that it is the gel commonly applied to aircraft wings to dissolve ice.” And here we thought we were burning calories, not our intestinal lining!

Given that we foolishly trust a whole host of famous people  not to sell us things that make our organs shut down, we started to wonder, what other celebrity-endorsed products can we look forward to killing us? Imagination, take over!

  • Drew Barrymore’s Covergirl Lashblast mascara makes eyelashes so long and full, they get caught in elevator door.
  • William Shatner‘s Priceline Negotiator accidentally books us into the Bates Motel; Cat Deely‘s Pantene Pro-V’s Aqua Light Swisssh hairspray gets in eyes and blinds us, can’t see killer.
  • Shoes from Nike’s Lebron James Collection fall apart; don’t actually kill us, but leave us feeling depressed and abandoned.
  • Take too much of Sally Field‘s osteoporosis medication Boniva; bones become super strong, must become outcast superhero that lives in crystal fortress.
  • Jamie Lee Curtis‘ Activia yogurt works too well, never stop pooping.

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Tila Denies Sex Tape Rumor, Points Out That We’ve Seen Her Naked Before

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In a shockingly uncharacteristic move, Tila Tequila is actively trying to stop us from seeing her naked!  Has the whole world gone topsy-turvy? Cats and dogs, living together…mass hysteria! Standing up against untrue rumors that she has signed on to star in an upcoming porno, Tila’s caps lock key was left a smoking nub as she penned a furious rant against the person responsible for the lies, proclaiming “I finally got online and saw that there are FALSE RUMORS that I made a deal for a SEX TAPE! Which is BULL***T!!”

First of all, what kind of idiot tries to spread sex tape rumors about someone who 1) clearly has a Master’s degree in marketing her own nakedness and 2) uses Twitter to spill personal secrets like most people inhale air to get oxygen? If Tila had porn coming out, we would have read it on a billboard by now. From the sounds of Tequila’s post however, this unnamed perpetrator is much more than a creep. Writes Tila, “Time will tell itself once the news comes out of the VIOLENT things you did to me, that scared the s**t out of me until I kept my mouth shut about it.”

We hope Lady T is able clear things up and hang this guy out to dry for slandering her name. Because if anyone is going to spread false rumors about Tila Tequila, it’s going to be Tila, goddamn it!

[Photo: GettyImages]