Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

The Many Loves Of Hugh Hefner, The Luckiest Bastard In The World


In an interview with Hugh Hefner about the new documentary Hugh Hefner: Playboy, Activist and Rebel, the titular Playboy founder is quoted saying, “The notion that Playboy turns women into sex objects is ridiculous. Women are sex objects. If women weren’t sex objects, there wouldn’t be another generation.” How sweet!

While the documentary focuses on Hef’s role as sexual entrepreneur in the ’60s, most of us know him as the somewhat doddering 84-yr-old nudie mag tycoon who patiently dealt with the exploits of his alarmingly much younger girlfriends in The Girls Next Door. But what about the very, very many lady-objects that have passed in and out of Hugh’s life? Don’t they deserve a documentary too, possibly directed by Ken Burns? We might not have the budget for that (yet), but until then enjoy a trip down Hugh’s memory lane (while he still has one) as we revisit some of the most beautiful women who ever took a peek under Hef’s robe.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Angelina’s Kids Call Nanny “Mom,” Nanny Googles “Witness Protection Program”


Proving even gorgeous deities can have a bad day, sources report having overheard Angelina J0lie’s sons Maddox and Pax calling their nanny by the ‘M’ word: Mom. According to sources, as the kids played poolside at the Claremont Hotel Club & Spa in Oakland, “The nanny firmly said, ‘Mad, let Paxie have some ketchup.’ Maddox said, ‘Mom, do I have to?’ and Pax was whining, ‘Mom, make him give me some.'”

Besides ketchup, it seems that these kids also like taking their lives into their own hands. Don’t they know Angelina isn’t just their mother, she’s the All-Mother? If they want to taste any tomato-based products again, they had better check themselves, before they wreck them little selves. Also, Paxie? Mad? Maxie Pad? Like we need any more ammunition which with to tease the Jolie-Pitt family.

We have more than a sneaking suspicion that their nanny bears a striking semblance to Jennifer Aniston in a red wig and giant wart, Nanny McPhee-style, and that she spent the rest of the play date rubbing her hands gleefully and calling paparazzi on her Blue Tooth. Hasn’t Angelina seen Mrs. Doubtfire?

by (@hallekiefer)

Lady Gaga Refuses To Join Arizona Boycott; Continues Personal Boycott Against Pants

In a surprising response to requests that she boycott performing in Arizona to protest the state’s new immigration law, Lady Gaga lashed out against the artists asking her to take part. In an interview Gaga proclaimed, “‘I got a phone call from a couple of really big rock ‘n’ rollers, big pop stars, big rappers. They said, ‘We’d like you to boycott Arizona because of SB 1070. And I said, ‘Do you really think that us dumb f***ing pop stars are going to collapse the economy of Arizona?'” Gaga then stomped off in a huff, went home, and took a quick dip in her swimming pool filled with diamonds and gold doubloons.

Despite Gaga’s rant, many recording artists have signed up with the organization Sound Strike in solidarity against the law, which many say legalizes racial profiling. However, the boycott would probably have a bigger impact if it featured more artists that people would sell their own mothers to see in concert, of which Gaga is definitely one. In lieu of changing her tour schedule, Gaga declared, “I will not cancel my show. I will yell and I will scream louder and I will hold you, and we will hold each other, and we will protest this state.'” While that doesn’t seem like the best way to combat unconstitutional legislation, we understand her perspective. People come to this nation so that they can wear their Kermit the Frog coats or dance with Beyonce in a women’s prison, if they so chose. And by god, who are we to take that away from them?

by (@hallekiefer)

Glee Star To Shave Head In Cruel Homage To Britney Spears’s Career/Insanity

Glee creator Ryan Murphy has epic plans for this upcoming season’s Britney Spears episode, and we could not be more thrilled with the crazy turn it has taken. According to Ryan, “We’re paying tribute to her in a sort of fun and unexpected way,” one of which entails Matthew Morrison‘s Will Schuester shaving off his hair, a la Spears’ breakdown!

If by “paying tribute” you mean “mocking the deepest moments of Britney’s personal despair,” then we can see where you’re coming from, Ryan. We can’t wait to see where else they’re going to steer this disaster-craft of an ep, so join us in considering what other infamous moments from Britney’s life they could parody to music on Glee:

  • After a bad reaction to an antihistamine, Rachel forgets how to sing, or even lip synch, during her solo performance of “Give Me More,”and just clomps around the stage like a water buffalo while everyone in America watches, cringing. Weave-ranger Kurt weeps, blames self.
  • Rachel’s heretofore unseen gay dads are granted conservatorship over the addled singer, only to be introduced as the new gym teacher and break-dance choreographer, respectively, to the strains of “Break the Ice.”
  • Sue and Will Schuester reenact the infamous Britney-Madonna-Christina kiss from the VMAs to the strains of Britney’s “3”, but instead of Madonna they will be smooching the lunch lady, guest star Susan Boyle.
  • Brittany repeatedly attacks Santana’s car with a golf umbrella, but only because she mistook it for a bear, to the strains of “Oops!…I Did It Again.”
  • Terri weeps through “(You Drive Me) Crazy” at the thought of losing custody of her two sons, until someone points out that she is just holding an armful of Cabbage Patch dolls. Terri is hauled away from Linen ‘N’ Things in an ambulance after smuggling all throw pillows out under her apron.

by (@hallekiefer)

Mean Girls 2 Heads Straight To TV, Lindsay Heads Straight To Mean Girls 2 Audition


A mere six years after its release, filmmakers are ready to ride the incredible critical and commercial success of the Tina Fey’s classic teen comedy Mean Girls…with a made-for-tv sequel. With no Tina. Originally slated for a straight-to-DVD release, all signs point to Mean Girls 2 being officially low-budget enough for Lindsay Lohan to actually star in it.

The movie, filmed with an all-new cast, will reportedly premiere on Disney-owned ABC Family, or so some glean from that fact that most of the new Plastics are aging Disney child stars like Wizards of Waverly Place’s Jennifer Stone and Nicole Anderson from Jonas L.A.. But really, why all the re-casting? Certainly Amanda Seyfried and Rachel McAdams might be hard-pressed to find time in their success-packed schedules to film it, but Lacey Chabert? Girlfriend is still probably wandering around the old Mean Girls set, rubbing an orange pleated mini-skirt against her face and whispering, “Remember when?.”

La Lohan also needs to get on this, stat. Not only will she be available (after 90 days in rehab) and looking for work, but she seriously needs to find some employment that doesn’t require showing underboob. Casting aside, at the rate it’s going, Mean Girls 2 will almost certainly make Labor Pains look like Breakfast At Tiffany’s.

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Katy Perry Chats about Lucifer, Disses Lady Gaga in Rolling Stone

Katy Perry is a busty walking contradiction once again in her new interview with Rolling Stone this month, as she discusses her fame, her hubs-to-be Russell Brand and most notably, her surprisingly conservative critiques of Lady Gaga’s sex-and-religion-themed Alejandro video. Perry attempts to explain her tweeted criticism, saying “I think when you put sex and spirituality in the same bottle and shake it up, bad things happen.” Hmm, we wonder if people in glass bikinis should really be throwing sexy stones, as it were.

While we certainly respect a person’s right to be spiritual, when most people ask, “what would Jesus do?” the answer is typically not, “lay butt-naked on a cotton candy cloud” or “dance around with a sentient gummy bear with his jugs out.”  Continues Perry, “Yes, I said I kissed a girl. But I didn’t say I kissed a girl while f-ing a crucifix.”

Don’t give Gaga any more (fabulous) ideas! In addition to promoting her new album Teenage Dream, due out later this month, Perry delved further into her own strict religious upbringing, saying “I wasn’t ever able to say I was ‘lucky,’ because my mother would rather us say that we were ‘blessed,’ and she also didn’t like that ‘lucky’ sounded like ‘Lucifer’.”

Wow, if her mom can’t listen to the word “lucky,” how demonic must “we freak in my jeep” sound to her? It’s got to be embarrassing when your own mom starts burning your albums…

by (@hallekiefer)

Jennifer Lopez Lives In a Fantasy Where People Still Care How Jennifer Lopez Lives

It just goes to show that some people don’t care about the nice cars, beautiful clothes or expensive jewelry that fame provides. Some people just want to be paid attention to 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and they will get anything to get it. Anything!

In a new interview in Glamour, JLo expounds on her fabulous life with husband Marc Anthony, explaining, “I like to maintain a certain sense of fantasy in my life.” Hoo boy, does she ever! We like to maintain a certain sense of fantasy too, by imagining that Lopez stopped making movies after Selena.  JLo goes on to describe her brood as a “traveling gypsy family,” which certainly explains whatever curse turned Marc Anthony into a skeleton.

Lopez apparently also threw a dinner in honor of Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who clearly did not know what she was getting herself into. As JLo explained to the justice, probably a little too close to her face, “Just know that you make me want to be better. You make people realize that with hard work, living a good life, you can do anything. You will be rewarded for that.”

We like to imagine Sotomayor looking at the couple’s twins in their matching white satin toddler tuxedos, then down at her diamond napkin, then up at JLo’s mink bustier and 50-foot dinner veil, and slowly excusing herself to shimmy out of the bathroom air vent. Lopez also reflects on her life of fame thusly: “There’s nothing in my life that’s so ugh. Yes, there are some things that I’m like, Eww…” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

by (@hallekiefer)

Nic Cage Drops Off Face Of The Earth (No, It’s Not The Plot Of National Treasure 3)

Reportedly, Il Divo Nic Cage has not only decided to bail on his current film project Trespass, but has also chosen to drop off the face of the planet to do so. According to insiders, “Cage abruptly backed out of the film late last week and then left on vacation—apparently to the Bahamas.” Doesn’t Cage own two private islands? Just check there. That’s Nic Cage’s thing: if he’s not one multimillion dollar island, he’s on the other.

Trespass is only two weeks away from the start of its shooting schedule, leaving director Joel Schumacher and producer Avi Lerner scrambling to find a balding megalomaniac to fill the actor’s shoes. However, even before Cage fled to parts unknown he was causing issues in production. Initially cast as the husband of a kidnapped couple alongside Nicole Kidman, “within the last two weeks he switched and instead decided to play the leader of the kidnappers.”

Hmmm, as much as we would like to see an all-Nic Cage movie where Cage switches between every character using a rotating series of luscious strawberry blonde wigs and ridiculous accents, apparently that was not what the backers had in mind. Liev Schreiberwas offered the cast off role of the husband, though he has yet to accept Cage’s sloppy seconds.

UPDATE: is reporting that Cage has rejoined the cast of Trespass. All of you balding megalomaniacs out there not named Nicolas Cage can stop pestering your agents now.

by (@hallekiefer)

Snooki’s Fabulous Mugshots Show She’s Already Wearing Prison Jumpsuit-Orange


Mugshots of hardened criminal and even harder partier Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi have popped up after her arrest on Friday for disorderly conduct, aka being a cast member on Jersey Shore. (Check out Snooki’s 20 Sexiest Photos.) The one where she can’t even be bothered to look at the camera? Priceless. Someone probably had to dangle a pickle on a string to get her attention for the other one.

Given that Snickers is small enough to sleep in a shoebox, we’re impressed that a trip to Beer Bong Island only resulted in mussed hair and smeared mascara. The littlest diva really knows how to hold her liquor, even if it does result in her landing in jail at the end of the day.

We hope JS stays on the air forever so we can hang a time line of Snooki’s arrests on our wall, to remember all the good times. Plus we’ll save a ton on wallpaper!

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[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

5 Reasons Jennifer Aniston Will Be Single Forever


It was announced this weekend that Jennifer Aniston will be appearing in an episode of Cougar Town with former Friends costar Courtney Cox, to which we reply: Oh, girl, no. You’re over 40, lose men like we lose our car keys, and are generally agreed to be the hottest, wealthiest old maid in Hollywood. The fish are already in the barrel, Jen; you don’t have to hand-paint little targets on their fins.

Thus we realized that all of Jen’s recent career events seem to be working toward her continued spinsterhood.  Is it intentional? Is it karma? Is it just Jen’s agent laughing hysterically with his/her hand over the phone? In our efforts to get to the bottom of this, we present you, the jury, with 5 Reasons Jennifer Aniston Will Be Single Forever. The evidence speaks for itself!

  • 1) Appearing on Cougar Town: Okay, we know we just said this one, but seriously.  Courtney Cox is also on the show, but she is 1) happily married, 2) has a baby and 3) has a body so tight we could bounce a quarter off of it. Okay, Jen has that last one too, but still, only one ex-Friends star is going to get out of this one unscathed.  If Aniston insists on doing the show, we silently pray that she somehow gets elected mayor of Cougar Town, or at least receives a key to the city. The jokes, they will write themselves.
  • 2) Talks About Sperm Banks with Jay Leno: Aniston is starring in both The Switch and Just Go With It, two films in which she plays a woman desperate for a baby; The Switch even has a single Jen using donor sperm to inseminate herself. Do you think Jen’s ever read The Secret? The theory goes, sometimes when you spend a lot of mental energy picturing something, like having a baby by yourself (or chatting with Jay Leno about frozen sperm), it comes true. By projecting the image of a baby-hungry single lady, Jen might be manifesting that into reality, or something. We’re not exactly sure; we’re going to have to ask Oprah about this one. Either way Jen comes off like a sad aunt, and that’s the last thing she needs!

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