Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Gaga Worried Lovers Will Steal Creativity Through Her Vagina; Doesn’t Let It Ruin Her Weekend

Epic diva Lady Gaga bares more than just the lower 2/3 of her butt in September’s Vanity Fair, using the interview to discuss her dust-up with Jerry Seinfeld, her love for her fans and a new-found commitment to celibacy. Why the decision to steer clear of any disco sticks? According to the singer, “I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

Yup, that is a weird thing! Continues Gaga, “I’m perpetually lonely. I’m lonely when I’m in relationships.” Wait a minute, are we sure they didn’t publish part of an interview with Jennifer Aniston by mistake? Also discussed is Gaga’s history of drug-use, and what her family did once the abuse caused her to have a destructive break-down: packed the singer up and took her to grandma’s house in West Virginia. When faced with her granddaughter’s hysterical melt-down, Grandma Gaga reportedly told her, “‘I’m gonna let you cry for a few more hours. And then after those few hours are up, you’re gonna stop crying, you’re gonna pick yourself up, you’re gonna go back to New York, and you’re gonna kick some ass.”

Wow, we guess being a bad-ass is genetic! Considering that Gaga has had her foot firmly planted on the music industry’s behind ever since, might we suggest that Mema Gaga take her skills on a world-wide tour of rehab centers? Or at least plan to stop by and give Lindsay Lohan a rehab pep-talk soon?

by (@hallekiefer)

Julia Roberts Goes Method On Set Of Eat Pray Love, Devours Whole Pizza

julia-roberts-pizza-550rnrnIn an interview with Entertainment Tonight, Julia Roberts recounted how she got to stuff her face with pasta and other Italian deliciousnesses while on set for Eat Pray Love. The actress wistfully explained that, “By the time we would cut I’d be done with an entire pizza or a whole bowl of pasta. The take would just go on and on and I’d love it.” And here we sit, eating whole pizzas without a million-dollar movie contract, like a bunch of idiots!rnrnContinued Roberts, “When we were in Naples, we started shooting at 8 in the morning, and I think by 8:45 I’d eaten 8 or 10 pieces of pizza. Pizza was what I ate all day that day.” So, just so we’re clear, Eat Pray Love consists of Julia Roberts, the luckiest woman on earth, entering the bone zone with James Franco, Billy Crudup AND Javier Bardem, on top of eating an amount of fettuccine alfredo and piping hot pies that we’ve only experienced in our wildest fantasies? We’re just glad that it’s Friday, ’cause this news has us craving a drink (and a slice)!rn rn[Photo: Columbia Pictures]

by (@hallekiefer)

The Situation Angling to Appear on Dancing with the Stars

In an effort to extend his career past the somewhat limiting boundaries of GTL, The Situation is purportedly eyeing a spot on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. And, you know, we think it’s a great fit!

The professional dancers on the show are so covered with shiny, rippling muscles, and their clothes so gaudy and bedazzled, DWTS might be the only place The Sitch truly feels at home. It’s also the only show on the planet where he might put his hands up in his make-up chair and say, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Aren’t we going a little overboard with the tanning?” Haha, just kidding, you know he would just use the show as the ultimate excuse to get even tanner and more jacked. By the end of the season he’d probably look like a juiced-up Slim Jim in tuxedo pants. Did we say first season? We meant first episode.

“But what about his moves?”, you are all probably screaming at your computers right now. What a great question! As of now, it seems like The Sitch’s moves might be limited to violently beating up the beat and rhythmically grinding his crotch into everything that isn’t a coat rack; the only mamboing we’ve heard of him doing is of the mattress/hot tub variety. That said, we’d like to imagine that with a little training he could deliver the kind of elegant pelvic gyrations that would make Len Goodman’s tie stand up on end and dance like a snake rising out of a basket. Hmmm, the Snake Charmer…that has a nice ring to it, too.

[Photo: Terry's Diary]

by (@hallekiefer)

Sarah Palin Criticizes Obama For Appearing On The View

palin-crazy-550rnrnWhichever intern was hired to manage Sarah Palin’s Twitter account has been working overtime this week, logging the former governor’s responses to President Obama’s appearance on The View. Palin tweeted, “President with no time to visit porous US/Mexican border to offer help to those risking life to secure us, but lotso’ time to chat on The View?” Yes, Sarah, the last time we read the job description for P.O.T.U.S., we DEFINITELY remember the bulletpoint about having to personally stand guard in Arizona with a butterfly net trying to snag undocumented immigrants as they sprint in plain sight over the border.rnrnContinued Palin, “I’m headed to border in near future… let’s see how quickly his travel schedule will allow that border visit after all.” Well, thank god! Hopefully any Mexican people trying to sneak illegally into the U.S. will see Sarah Palin standing triumphantly in the middle of the desert and be like, “O right, that fruit cake. Never mind; we’ll see ourselves out.” Let’s hope that Palin is able to squeeze in a visit soon, since her busy schedule is currently packed with the most American activity of all: going camping with Kate Gosselin for a reality show!rnrn[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Inception Star Explains That Being An Actor And Having Gay Tendencies Go Hand In Hand

61044390rnrnConfirming what we had all been suspecting for so long, Inception star Tom Hardy attested to the fact that, yes, all actors do have gay sex. WE KNEW IT. rnrnWhen questioned about any time spent playing with the boys, Hardy told the inquisitive reporter, “Of course I have. I’m an actor for f*ck’s sake. I’ve played with everything and everyone.” And the truth will set you freeeeeeeee!!! Why can’t more actors just be honest about all the steamy gay love they are making to each other? It would certainly make our jobs easier, that’s for sure. rnrnHardy continued, “I’m done experimenting but there’s plenty of stuff in a relationship with another man, especially gay men, which I need in my life”. We can identify. Hardy is currently engaged to an actual woman, actress Charlotte Riley (pictured above), and has a child with an ex-girlfriend, so we believe him when he says that his personal gay ship has sailed. That said, could someone please, please cast him in a movie with Tom Cruise? We could really use the gossip…rnrn[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Demi Moore Defends Her Bizarro Detox Regimen While Drinking Glass of Diet Air

4707286rnrnDemi Moore worked herself into a tizzy on Twitter recently while defending her diet du jour, the smoothie-based Clean Program. She spoke out against an army of angry hashtaggers by saying “I think you need to research what it is I am doing. There is no starving involved! It is all about nourishing the body!” rnrnHmmm, now to us, a liquid diet with the occasional salad seems like the kind of program you go on when they have to bulldoze the side of your house and carry you out in a whale sling for you to get to the grocery store, not when you are already model-thin. The diet apparently stresses the importance of “detoxing” the body. But if you are as rich and famous as @MrsKutcher, you probably already weigh 97 lbs, drink ice water melted from an ancient glacier and eat fresh produce hand-picked from an orchard by shirtless hunks straight out of a Soloflex commercial, so what exactly are you trying to “detox” yourself from? Your internal organs? Your bone marrow? The realization that you are old enough to have physically given birth to your husband? rnrnMoore did concede that the Clean Program was superior to the Master Cleanse, a diet she had tried earlier this year with husband Ashton Kutcher, in as much as it allows you to have food that requires chewing and doesn’t typically induce comas. Which is good, because if two of the planet’s most attractive people have to eat maple syrup, lemon water and cayenne pepper for days on end in order to look good, then the rest of us had better just give up now and start eating donuts at every meal. Wait a minute, that sounds like a great idea either way.  Everyone … to the Dunkin Donuts!rnrn[Photo: Film Magic]

by (@hallekiefer)

Leonardo DiCaprio Drops Out of Mel Gibson Movie, Wisely

61104415rnrnAccording to a report by Radar Online, Leonardo DiCaprio has dropped out of an upcoming Mel Gibson-directed movie because, well, duh! DUH. Let us put it this way: one does not stand next to an erupting volcano just because the volcano won the Academy Award for Best Director in 1996, if you get our drift. And Leonardo DiCaprio has not become the fabulously well-to-do star of Inception by associating oneself with anyone who acts like a super-racist version of the Hulk. At least not in public, anyway. That we know of. rnrnThe unnamed movie, set to begin filming this fall, would reportedly depict Viking civilization in a manner similar to Apocalypto, as well as put Gibson in terrifying proximity to large spiked weapons like maces and battle axex. Given Mel’s recent lunacy, we also imagine it might be difficult for DiCaprio to channel the spirit of a noble Viking when the director is screaming “I’ll put you in the f***ing rose garden!” at the craft service people before being tased by security. Every day. rnrnIgnoring the inevitable difficulties that would arise when a film being directed by an individual currently embroiled in domestic abuse and child endangerment charges, we applaud DiCaprio for not just rolling his eyes and holing up in his trailer between takes in order to get that paycheck. The industry needs to do something so that human werewolves like Gibson learn they can’t abuse their power in such horror ways. Also, did anyone even see Apocalypto? We rest our case.rnrn[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Get Out Your Lassos, It’s The Glee Guest Star Round-Up

glee_guests

The announcements for next season’s Glee guest stars are coming fast and furious this summer, the latest being Cheyenne Jackson, recently known for snuggling up to co-worker Liz Lemon’s Tom Selleck-lush mustache on 30 Rock as Girlie Show actor Danny Baker. While it’s hard to know which rumors are real guest stars and which are the insane fantasies of our Glee-fevered mind, here are the peeps and whispers we’ve heard recently, complete with unsolicited opinions:

  • Uncle Jesse: Yes, we know John Stamos’s real name; we just do not care. Uncle John Jesse Stamos is reportedly starring as Emma Pillsbury’s inappropriately hot dentist boyfriend this coming season of Glee, and we just know she is going to blow it by trying to get with Schue again. Live in the now, Emma! We need someone to help us live out our early-nineties, Jesse and the Rippers, high-waisted pale wash jeans with white Reebok fantasies, and you are just the neurotic school guidance counselor to do it. Eyes on the prize, girl!
  • Javier Bardem: Does this choice seem hella out of left to anyone else? It’s easier to imagine Bardem kicking in our front door and taking us out with a bolt gun then doing a jazz square while belting one out to the cheap seats. That being said, any cameos that help people see him less as a serial killer and more as a charismatic dreamboat fine by us!
  • Charice:  Don’t know her. Was she on an early nineties sit-com? O, a Filipino pop-star, you say? Who will be Rachel’s nemesis? Hmmm, well, then I guess we are on board! Anything that takes that Berry girl down a peg is fine by us…
  • Katy Perry: This isn’t technically slated to actually happen yet, but Katy is hoping someone at Glee wants to do a very Perry episode soon, tweeting “Please! I would love somebody to start that Facebook group and persuade them. I would absolutely love that.” We hope they tell her to put an actual shirt on in front of the children at least; whip cream-related eye injuries blind over one American high school students a year. If not, maybe save it for the Rocky Horror Picture Show ep?
  • Britney Spears: Do you remember when Britney appeared on the 2007 VMAs, and the whole world was silently rooting for her to blow us out of the water and reclaim her crown as princess of pop? And then suddenly we all realized she had forgotten how to LIP SYNCH and had to bury our head in our hands until now? Like that, but on TV.

We also look forward to seeing other guest stars like Lady Gaga, Charo and Mr. Snuffleupagus. Or did we just make those up? We can’t distinguish between our waking life and our fantasy episodes of Glee anymore! And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

by (@hallekiefer)

Jersey Shore Reject Angelina To Get Own Show, Delusion of Grandeur

Jersey Shore cast member of 1.5 seasons, Angelina Pivarnick, may not have made the cut for season 3 of the show, but apparently she is already bragging about shooting a new reality program focused solely on her. According to a report over at Crushable, the cast-off guidette claims that the program is “90%” nailed down (she knows 90% is almost 100%, right?) and sneers that “Jersey Shore won’t be there forever.”

*GASP* You shut your mouth, Angelina, yes, it will! Meanwhile, we are pretty sure we can predict what the plot of her new show is going to be: it’s called City of Angel(ina)s, and at the end of every episode Angelina quits the show in a huff, packs all of her clothes in garbage bags, and puts them in the back of her parents’ station wagon. In between quittings, Angelina will work at a variety of jobs that aren’t that difficult and don’t require a lot of commitment, such as ice cream scooper, flip-flop saleswoman, and buoy. Angelina will quit each job in succession because they require her to start work at the crack of noon, interfering with the 23 hours of sleep per day required to have enough energy to carry around all those garbage bags. Slowly it will be revealed that Angelina has at some point hooked up with everyone else in the show (co-worker at Auntie Anne’s, garbage man, seagull) a charge Angelina will deny until these people become famous from being on the show, upon which Angelina will try to trap them in a garbage bag and put them in the back of her parents’ car. The show will be sponsored by Hefty.

In addition to bragging about her imaginary stardom, Angelina took digs at her former cast mates, saying about Snooki: “She’s another one … she’s also a diva.” Why don’t you just insult Michelle Obama while you’re at it, Angelina? Snooki has more class in one acrylic toe nail than you have in your entirely too orange body. That makes us so mad, we might not watch her new show! Haha, who are we kidding? We’ve somehow already set our DVR for it.

by (@hallekiefer)

Idol Reject Told To ‘Gay It Up,’ Sues Show For Exploitation

American Idol reject and certified diva Ian Bernardo is now claiming that AI producers told him to turn up the fabulousness during the finale as well as his 2006 audition, only to dump on him after his performance bombed. You might remember Bernardo from the AI finale this past May, when he interrupted comedian Dane Cook on stage, proclaiming, “Nobody cares! It’s all about Ian Benardo!” making us drop to our knees and pray for him to get a spin-off reality show.

Unfortunately, after his performance Bernardo claimed to have been threatened by Cook and abandoned by the producers, and has filed a claim with the New York State Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in an effort to prove it. In his allegations, Bernado claims that AI “exploited … my sexual orientation” by telling him to “gay it up” for the cameras. Now, despite the fact that Bernardo makes Clay Aiken look like Jason Statham, we have the sneaking suspicion that Bernardo was asked back not because of perceived sexual orientation, but because his try-out consisted of a bizarre spoken word rendition of “Gloria,” delivered while wearing a t-shirt with his name on it and draped in layers of fur. If that’s what gay people are like, we need to get out of our parent’s basement more. But as Coco Chanel said, before you leave the house, take one fur coat off. And before the producers at AI ask you to act like a mincing gay stereotype on TV, remember that contestants who don’t make it through try-outs are usually portrayed by AI a parade of oblivious freaks, hamming it up for the audience’s amusement.

Maybe one day someone who is as over-the-top and fabulous as Bernardo pretended to be (and who can actually, you know, sing well) will be allowed to sashay his way across the stage and into our collective hearts – besides our beloved Glambert. Until then Ryan Seacrest can only hold his breath and dream.