Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Wyclef Jean Might Want To Be Haiti’s Next President

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Former member of the The Fugees, Wyclef Jean, might be about to announce his candidacy for the Haitian presidential race, just in time for the election on November 28. We’d like to join everyone in Haiti by saying: “Wha? The ‘Gone ‘Til November’ guy? ” and scratching our heads.

As out of left field as this might seem (to us at least), Haitian-born Jean has dedicated much of his time and energy since 2005 working on his Yéle Haiti Foundation, and has worked diligently to rally support for disaster survivors since the earthquake earlier this year.  Plenty of politicians have started out as performers: Representative Sonny Bono, President Ronald Regan, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Under Secretary of Defense Dora the Explorer. While we believe that anyone can do anything they put their minds to (not so fast, Seacrest), we can’t help by think that Haiti might be better served by someone who has more political experience than just trying to convince Lauren Hill that the studio fire extinguisher isn’t possessed by a demon. Maybe start as town trustee and work your way up?

And while the reality is that fame is often the main reason people do get ahead in politics , we believe that Jean has his head in the right place and that whatever he decides he will keep working for the betterment of the Haitian people. In fact, in response to questions last Friday about if he would run, Jean responded, “I would say right now, currently at this minute, no,” which means almost certainly yes. See, he’s acting like a politician already!

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Gwyneth Paltrow Belts One Out for America

In her latest film, Country Strong, Gwyneth Paltrow plays a country singer who leaves rehab to reclaim her former glory, with help from her husband, played by Tim McGraw. Which begs the question: Reeeeeeeeeeeeally? Gwyneth Paltrow? Replace “rehab” with “kombucha detox” and “former glory” with “organic chamomile eye pillow” and maybe we’ll talk. Unless it’s a movie version of Green Acres with Paltrow playing Zsa Zsa Gabor while wearing marabou-lined silk robes and falling over a pig into the mud, we can’t really picture her living the country life. However, we would watch that Green Acres five times in the theater, so maybe this is a step in the right direction.

Whether or not Gwyneth was the right person for the role (seriously, was Sandra Bullock too booked to knock this one out of the park?), she does have a significant pair of pipes on her, as she proves by belting out the title song.  Now, call us a Negative Nancy if you will, but this whole movie seems to be a cheap ploy designed to profit off Gwyneth’s epic film Duets, in which, according to IMDB, “A professional karaoke hustler reconnects with his daughter and a bored suburban businessman turns outlaw karaoke singer, among other plotlines.” Among other plotlines! While snubbed by the Academy, Duets experienced huge success in the 13-Year-Old Girls Who Can Only Get Movies Out From the Library demographic, due in large part to Paltrow’s vocal stylings on “Cruising,” her duet with Huey Lewis.

We hope that her new movie surprises us by being palatable, and if not, we will write that Green Acres script this weekend if anyone wants to make it.

by (@hallekiefer)

Susan Sarandon Appears In Cougar Town: The Movie

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It’s Cougar Week here at the FABLife and the ladies are on the prowl…for inappropriately young men! Recently out of her straw-lined cage is Susan Sarandon, spotted recently taking a romantic stroll through the Giffoni Film Festival in Ravenna, Italy with her much younger “companion” Jonathan Bricklin. For someone working with a 32 year age difference, Sarandon is seriously getting ‘er done.

Sarandon, who loves being called a cougar, met this fine hunk of man-meat through SPiN, the New York ping-pong club which Bricklin co-owns and counts Susan as an investor.  While the couple has denied that they are dating, we bet that not even insanely rich movie stars just up and take their casual business associates on intimate European holidays. Oh, and the couple has also been to Macchu Piccu together, which hello, might as well put it on the Jumbotron while you’re at it.

After reading about hot, baked-ham-colored cougar Linda Hogan yesterday, it is refreshing to see that Susan Sarandon is a lady of a certain age who isn’t pretending she’s not your mom. She has your mom’s breezy linen pants, your mom’s sensible lightweight cardigan, and your mom’s mom hairdo. Cougar style is about expressing coug-self!

Now, we were as sad as anyone else when Sarandon split with her long-time partner Tim Robbins last year. But if this is who she is bringing to Thanksgiving this year, her kids will have to admit, at least begrudgedly,  that their mom is sort of a pimp.

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[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Levi Johnston To Become Video Vixen

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Levi Johnston is taking a break from being a responsible young man with steady employment and good impulse control to take a dip in Lake Terrible Decision. Just kidding! He does that on the daily.

The disaster-scape that is the future Mr. Palin-Johnston is now slated to star in a music video for R&B sensation unknown person Brittani Senser.  Don’t recognize the name? Don’t worry. One day, all of humanity is going to unite in their shared lack of recognition of Brittani Senser, and the world with echo with a resounding “Who?” The way we would describe her might be: you know how your cousin’s girlfriend is always talking about starting her music career, but really she just works at the travel agency and goes to Karaoke Wednesdays at the Lobster Pot every week? Okay, and then imagine if Sarah Palin’s future son-in- law was starring in her video. It’s like that.

The best part is, not only will Levi hopefully be sliding down in slow motion down a stripper pole wearing a polar bear G-string (Senser, call us!We have a lot of ideas!) during his turn as video boy, but apparently the plot of the video is pretty much a documentary of his life.  As “After Love,” Senser’s undoubtedly amazing ballad, plays, Levi will depict a heartbroken boyfriend driven from his lady love by her scheming mother.

Seriously, only Levi would expose his family’s interpersonal problems in a video made by a musician so beyond Z-list we’d have to learn hieroglyphics to properly describe her.  Based on the high Palin-humiliation factor, we have a sneaking suspicion that “Brittani Senser” is actually code for “Barack Obama in drag,” which would explain why the song is mostly hysterical laughter layered over a throbbing house beat. We smell the next big summer hit. Remix!

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Linda Hogan Engaged, Planning Classiest Cougar Wedding Of The Century

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When we look at all the mistakes we have made in our lives (and there have been SO MANY!!!), one of the most obvious has been our unintentional neglect of the diva known as Linda Hogan. Made famous as the wife of Hulk Hogan (who is also engaged) on Hogan Knows Best, Linda stole our hearts with a blindingly blue-white smile and a quick mascara-caked wink. Days, even weeks, go by without us sitting upright in bed, covered in sweat and wondering what Linda Hogan is doing right that second. And for that we are truly sorry. So today, in addition to sending out that hearty apology, we would like to congratulate Linda on her recent engagement to her fiancé Charlie Hill, who looks like a male clone of Linda created of herself. Any woman should be so lucky!

In celebration of this happy event, we would like to expound on some of the things that make Linda the epic diva she truly is:

  • She appears though she was molded out of orange Play-Doh, like a beautiful peacock made out of lumps.
  • She has the gumption to stick to her particular type of highly inappropriate boy toy: bleach blond, hyper tan, and younger than her own biological offspring.
  • She has a boat named the Alimoney (?!?!?@#$^&!*@!), on which she is getting married next summer to her 21-year-old fiancé. Who used to be her son’s best friend. And is 21.

She has a boat named the Alimoney on which she is getting married next summer to her 21-year-old fiancé. Did you not read that the first time? That is all we need to know! To be fair, her fiancé looks like he is 21 going on 63, and that’s on a good day. Linda’s daughter and Future Cougar Brooke Hogan has said about her mother’s November-January 1 relationship: “I personally don’t like it at all or condone it, but she’s my mom, so I have to show her support. I went to school with him. He was a grade under me. Me and Nick know him well.”

Look, Brooke, sometimes divas (that are also your mom) make decisions that make average people like us say, “Oh God, why?” And yes, while marrying her son’s friend does kinda make Linda her own grandpa, we have to accept that divas are like beautiful comets. They are with us for only a short time, expelling gas and dust into the atmosphere until they crash onto South Beach. At this rate, we believe Linda has the goods to easily become a Coco-level celebrity in our eyes, and we are happy to give her a leg up. Even if it means having to go to the dry-cleaner to get all the bronzer off of our pants.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Little Girl Lost Gets Little Girl Lost Tattoo

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When exactly did Lindsay Lohan’s life start turning into a grindhouse film? Oh, years ago? Fair enough. As Quentin Tarentino continues to art direct Lindsay’s debut in “Caged Heat 3: This Time It’s Girl-sonal,” sources report that Lohan has totally committed to her new role/walking nightmare by getting a new tattoo.

We actually completely support this idea. Lindsay is going to need all the street cred she can get on the inside. We’re guessing that’s also why she’s apparently had a pair of brass knuckles implanted in her upper lip. Haha, we’re just kidding; Lindsay’s not that out of it. Besides, she’ll be learning how to make a weapon out of a toothpaste tube in no time!

Getting a jump on the pen-and-safety-pin mosaic she’ll undoubtedly get over the next three months, this tattoo appears to be that of a sleeping little girl on her arm, done in Lohan’s signature color Infinite Freckles brown. The child bears a strong resemblance to a Precious Moments doll, characterized by their extremely wide eyes (probably from seeing that the cell toilet is right there out in the open). Lohan reportedly got the tattoo because she “liked the innocence.”

Good lord. Forget Tarentino, this is starting to turn into a John Waters movie. Isn’t this the part where Cry Baby has to win the chicken race in order to win back his girlfriend Allison, the square? Where’s Hatchet-Face when you need her? Oh, she’s Lindsay’s cell mate? Fair enough.

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[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Gay Porn Star Claims To Have Dated Christopher Reeve

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According to gay porn actor Cal Culver, not only was Superman actor Christopher Reeve the Man of Steel, he might also steal yo’ man. (TheFABLife would like to apologize for that amazing pun.) Anyhoo, in an interview Culver gave before he passed away in 1987, he claimed that he dated Reeve for two months in the ‘70s, saying “Christopher was a great lover and I think I liberated him sexually.”

Oh my gosh, that is so scanda…waaaaaait a minute. Did you say the ’70s? Well, that’s not that tawdry at all! Maybe today their relationship would have been deemed a torrid gay love affair between a gay porn star and a devastatingly handsome All-American actor.  But back then it was just called “Tuesday.”  Continued Culver, “I didn’t think he was gay but he seemed willing to try anything once. He was curious.”

Right, because it was Tuesday. Unfortunately for Culver, Reeve allegedly dumped him when he found out Culver was working in porn. Man, if we had a dime for every time a super-hunky movie star broke up with us because they found out we were acting in pornos. Well, let’s just say we would have an exceedingly large number of dimes.  It’s probably more likely Reeve left because he knew Culver would start giving interviews to people on the bus if they would let him talk about sleeping with Superman. BECAUSE WHO WOULDN’T?!?! Do you remember what Reeve looked like in the movie The Rose and the Jackal? No? Just us? Well, he looked like a real dreamboat.  Besides, what’s the point of sleeping with a famous person if you can’t tell everyone? By the way, on a totally unrelated note, does anyone want to publish a tell-all about Jon Lovitz we’ve been shopping around?

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Sam Visits Lindsay In Jail, Is Immediately Sold For Cigarettes And Fake Tanner

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Despite the legacy of their troubled, on-again/screaming-again relationship, Sam Ronson blocked out some time in her busy not-showering schedule to visit her ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan in jail. Ronson was reportedly carrying a delicious saw-shaped cake and a pack of dynamite labeled “Hot Dogs.” In addition to her ex, Lohan’s mother and manager have also been among the guests who have visited the jail bird since she entered the Lynwood Correctional Facility on Tuesday.

Here’s an idea worth considering: how about anyone who has ever given Lindsay Lohan drugs or used her to increase their own fame or encouraged her to be in Georgia Rule just stay away from the prison for a little while? Right? Nobody in that jail can possibly benefit from having that kind of crazy around. All Lohan needs now is her father Michael, Kim Jong Il and the guy from Saw to stop by for a chat and she’ll  feel like she’s back at home, except with slightly fewer shankings.  We just hope the authorities realize that at this rate, 3 weeks from now Lohan will be running the Latin Kings, and in 90 days she’s going to be released looking like Mickey Rourke as Ivan Vanko in Iron Man 2, covered in crude prison tattoos with giant electrical whips for arms, hungry for revenge. We always knew Mean Girls would have a sequel; we just didn’t know how many would have to die to have it made.

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Here It Is! The Dumbest Thing Taylor Momsen Said This Week

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Never ceasing for a minute to remind us that she does not remember she is still a kid, Taylor Momsen expounded recently on the development of her personal style, scoffing that, “I still wear pieces from when I was in f*cking middle school.”

Oh, you mean from LAST YEAR? You mean from five minutes ago? Do kids in middle school really have “pieces” now? If a giant t-shirt our grandma got us from Kissimmee-St. Cloud counts as a “piece,” then we have several pieces that we’re still incorporating into our wardrobe. And we’re almost one thousand years old! If that really is true about her middle school wardrobe…wow, that sounds like a middle school for criminals, by criminals. We don’t know about you, but our school had a strict No Exposed Garter Belts policy that they were really sticklers about.

Momsen continues, “I do myself up kind of like a doll. I have a doll collection and I look at their outfits and kind of imitate them.” What kind of horrifying doll could she possibly mean? Those dolls seem like they would be terribly inappropriate and need to be heavily Febrezed. All of her comments came in response to questions about why she fired her stylist, most likely after Momsen got tired of her suggestions like, “You should really put on actual clothes over your underwear,” and, “Seriously though, where are you parents right now?”

[Photo: GettyImages]

by (@hallekiefer)

Lady Gaga Makes Using The Bathroom Even More Fun Than It Already Is

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Only a true diva could make jamming your hand in a bathroom fixture seem like high art. Appearing at the SHOWstudio gallery in London, Lady Gaga scribbled on a ceramic urinal sculpture entitled Armitage Shanks, inscribing it with the phrase, “I’m not f***ing Duchamp, but I love pissing with you.” See, when other celebrities say it, it just doesn’t sound like they really mean it.

The piece is an homage to what most would call the most famous urinal sculpture in the history of Western art, Marcel Duchamps’s  Fountain. It’s a sad day for the art world when even urinal art makes people yawn and think, “Been there, done that.” Unfortunately the sculpture is not for sale, so put your life savings away, you guys.  Either way, Dadaist Duchamp definitely runs neck and neck with The Gaga-ist for the Best Epic Weirdo award of our heart.  Sure, Gaga might not be considered one of the most important Surrealist painters and sculptors of all time (yet!). But on the flip-side, did Duchamp take Kermit the Frog to the VMAS? HE WISHES! He wishes he had thought of that. Later that day Gaga went on to add her signature to a garbage can, a bag of moldy oranges, and some throw-up.