We feel like we’re just now waking up from a amnesia-inducing coma, only to discover that our dedicated, loyal husband is none other than Channing Tatum! Except in this scenario, our husband is Ashton Kutcher playing Steve Jobs and our coma was brought on by Ashton’s performance on Two And A Half Men. Does that analogy make any sense at all? We hope so, because what we’re trying to say is the new clip from Kutcher’s upcoming Steve Jobs biopic jOBS suggests that Ashton is bringing it, intensely-ambitious-computer-genius-style.
Between his sitcom day job, The Butterfly Effect and the fact the Steve Jobs movie is named jOBS (which is the worst), we guess we weren’t expecting much from the Kutch. Before you leap all over us to point out that Ashton has actually been pretty great since That ’70s Show, we will admit that we thought both Ashton and Mila Kunis were kind of blah on that late nineties sitcom, and we were wrong on both accounts. Since we were in the minority when it came to Ashton’s performing skills, we’re guessing we’re also in the minority of people who think Josh Gad is kiiiind of hot in costume as Steve Wozniak in that clip? We aren’t? Haha, yeah. We knew it.
As people who remember the scuttlebutt and hullabaloo surrounding Halle Berry‘s topless scene in 2001’s Swordfish, we relish the fact that Berry’s boobs have taken a new career path, one that seems closer to the career path our boobs have chosen. After all, who hasn’t dipped their breasts in guacamole, by accident or on purpose? Don’t lie to us; we know you’ve all been to Chipotle.
Movie 43 director Peter Farrelly revealed the details of Halle’s improvised burrito boob move in his new comedy during his Reddit AMA today. “I was a little nervous about meeting her because her scene is so outrageous and I was afraid she might get on the set and balk. Not only did she not, but she thought the scene was too soft, and asked us to amp it up a little,” he say of Berry. Hey, any Halle news that doesn’t involve Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez beating each other to a pulp is good news to us!
We’ve already begun squealing about the return of Jim Carrey in The Incredible Burt Wonderstone after the actor’s virtually acting-free 2012…and, um, those other years before that. That’s when we realized that a ton of our favorite celebs will be all over our big and small screens in 2013 (not to mention our internets, with all their interviews and such) after a dry spell. For example, according to IMDb, this year Carrie star Chloe Moretz and Oz the Great and Powerful lead James Franco return in seven and six film projects respectively. Natalie Portman and Rooney Mara have both been off the scene since 2010’s Black Swan and 2011’s Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. And Michael Cera? More Arrested Development means more sweet, sweet George Michael for your eyeballs.
Of course, some of these celebs seemed like they never left the limelight (see also: James Franco). Did you know Melissa McCarthy was in only one film in 2012? In Vanessa Hudgens‘ and Dwayne Johnson‘s case, it was the same film. (We didn’t know if either of them would bounce back from Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, but here we are.) Check the gallery below to find out more about their respective upcoming projects, and what other celebs we cannot wait to see more of this year.
Oh Justin Bieber! Not a day goes by where we don’t laugh at the many, many scandals that drop in your lap. Like the one reported by Radar today, in which you allegedly cheated on Selena Gomez with a 22-year-old nursing student named Milyn “Mimi” Jenson after smoking a bunch of pot. According to the site, Bieber retired to the Four Seasons with Jenson and rapper pal Lil Twist on December 21…before his split from Selena was a done deal. “Justin surprised her by saying, ‘I want to know if you taste good.’ He started kissing her cheek and ear and neck and then her whole body,” their source claims, after which they totally did it. While Radar emphasizes the “debauchery-filled” details of the evening, the whole thing sounds pretty normal and lame as infidelities go…provided it’s true, of course. Remember Mariah Yeater, the fan who claimed she was pregnant with Justin Bieber’s baby for months? Except no, of course she wasn’t? That’s all we’re saying.
Over on TMZ, the Justin Bieber gossip gets significantly less sexy. According to Nortth Carolina radio host Colette Harrington, Bieber and his posse mocked her in the Ritz-Carlton gym, telling her to “shut the f— up” when she counted reps out loud and, even worse, spat blue Gatorade into her water bottle. “I did not look at my water bottle before taking a drink,” Harrington confirmed in case you were wondering, but plans to sell the bottle to benefit her local Ronald McDonald House. Of course, Harrington never actually saw Justin Bieber spit into her water bottle or knew for certain who he or his friends were talking to; Justin’s rep has since denied the allegations. On the other hand…you just know someone is going to buy that disgusting backwash-filled water bottle. Ronald McDonald House: 1. Justin Bieber: 0.
You know how The Secret suggests you make a vision board decorated with all your deepest desires so that the Universe will know you want a new dishwasher or a pony or a smaller brain tumor? Twitter is kind of like that, but instead of a cork board, you use the Internet and instead of the Universe, you are telling us. Plus it actually works! Alexa Vega knows what we’re talking about at least, and her wish seems to be “for everyone in America to know I’m hot.” The Machete Kills actress posted a booty shot yesterday, bragging “Cliff jumping in #Maui.” While we would personally be worried about all the coral, rock and stuff that could scrape our bare butts, what easier way is there to tell people you are an adult babe than with a thong picture? There is none.
You might recall how the internet blew up when the Spy Kids actress first announced her attractiveness via Twitter photo this past summer. Since then she’s been keeping up her Twitter game, what with her Machete Kills outfit and her Halloween costume and what appears to be a smattering of other photos on Instagram. You put your hotness out into the world, and the world recognizes your hotness. It makes a lot of sense. We should tell Oprah about this. What are we saying? Oprah already knows. Oprah has already been knowing.
There’s a lot of eye-brow raising details about the alleged Robert Kardashian diaries his widow Ellen Kardashian gave In Touch Magazine this week. For example, the fact she gave them her late husband’s personal diaries at all. Or the fact that Ellen did not immediately turn said diaries over to the police as evidence of alleged child abuse committed by Kris Jenner. “Kris was kicking and beating her and said she was going to kill [Kim]!” a diary entry dated Aug. 24, 1989 claims. “Kim was hysterical.” Good lord!
The diaries, allegedly written by the Kardashian sisters’ late lawyer father, also claim that Kris Jenner had an affair with soccer player Todd Waterman and left her children at home for days a time. “She doesn’t leave a number in case of emergency. She doesn’t care!” Robert allegedly wrote on Dec. 15, 1989. “She left [the] kids and screwed all night!” If any of this is true, the Kardashians must have undergone years and years of family counseling in order to be friends with their mother at all. Or maybe they didn’t, which might explain at lot…
As you might recall, last January Ellen Kardashian told the media Robert had admitted to her that daughter Khloe Kardashian is not his biological child. Khloe’s paternity drama has continued until today. “The continuous spread of egregious misinformation is just plain wrong, and it would be irresponsible of me and a disservice to my family to not address it at this point,” Khloe said of the rumors last week. ‘I want to say loud and clear that these are toxic, baseless and disgusting rumors and none of them are true.” As for these new Kardashian rumors….toxic? Check. Disgusting? Check. Baseless? Well, if the diaries are handwritten, that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are real, right? No one could possibly write something with a pen if it wasn’t true!
Shia LaBeouf might not get an Oscar for taking LSD for his role in the upcoming film The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman, but he might get us to consider buying a ticket. “I’d never done acid before. I remember sending Evan tapes. I remember trying to conjure this and sending tapes. And Evan being like ‘That’s good, but that’s not but, that is,'” LaBeouf told MTV about dropping acid to prepare for his character’s drug trip. “You reach out to friends and gauge where you’re at. I was sending tapes around and I’d get 50 percents from people and that just starts creeping me out. I was getting really nervous toward the end. Not cause I wanted to be on drugs — I’m not trying to mess with the set or anything like that. It’s really just fear that propels people.” Maybe it was fear, but we’re betting Oscar gold played at least a tiny part in the other extreme things actors have done for roles…
“At the end of the day I probably let myself down, I let my family down, I let other people down,” Prince Harry sighed during a recent interview about his nude Las Vegas photos taken last August. To which we say…do you even know your family, Harry? Maybe things were different when Queen Elizabeth II was a girl, but if the last couple decades have taught us anything, it’s that you could barely be considered a British royal without at least one scandal in your back pocket. So don’t worry, Harry! You’re just joining other infamous royal scandals such as…
Quit sharpening your swords and making blood oaths everyone: Michael J. Fox and Taylor Swift are cool! Well, obviously they are cool. If we could pick three celebs to have lunch with, they would be two of them. (The third would be Jesus, since he could just take his lunch and make four lunches. Free personal pan pizza, ya’ll!) We mean they are cool, in as much as Taylor is not offended about those hilariously mean jokes Michael J. Fox made at her expense this week about dating his son Sam. That kind of cool.
“Hey everybody, Michael J. Fox got in touch with me today and we are good. Thank you for having my back,” TSwift tweeted this afternoon. Frankly, we think it’s a testament to Taylor’s sweetness that she was able to get over comments like “Taylor Swift writes songs about everybody she goes out with, right? What a way to build a career.” and song title suggestions like “‘Sam, You Piece of S—'” so quickly. She probably reasoned that Michael J. Fox might want to be able to use the Internet at some point in the future without all her fans nailing him to the cyber wall. Does anyone think we’ll look back at this moment and realize that this is how her relationship with Sam Fox actually started? Yeah, we think so too, Mwahahahaha!
We’re betting the second Lance Armstrong agreed to do that revealing Oprah interview this week, a million Hollywood execs shed a single tear, knowing there could be only one Lance Armstrong cheating scandal movie. According to Deadline, Paramount Pictures and producer JJ Abrams beat them all to the punch, closing the deal on the filmmaking rights to the proposal for Cycle of Lies: The Fall Of Lance Armstrong, a book to be written by sports reporter Juliet Macur. That’s right: they bought the proposal to a book that has not yet been written. Now we want to shed a single tear over how genius that is.
Since it’ll be a little while before shooting starts, we have plenty of time to pitch potential actors to play America’s Most Hated Athlete (You’re welcome, Manti Te’o!). As for who should play his ex Sheryl Crow…um, obviously it should be Sheryl Crow herself. Wouldn’t you love to star in your ex’s downfall story? Meanwhile, we’d love to see Sheryl across from…