Posts By Halle Kiefer

by (@hallekiefer)

Frank Ocean Had Such A Good Year, He Was Bound To Be Busted For Smoking And Speeding Soon

Frank Ocean Citing For Marijuane, Speeding

Oh Frank Ocean. After you dropped your critically acclaimed debut album, sang at the VMAs and came out on Tumblr, only to have celebs like Beyonce go out of their way to support you, thus proving that there is some shred of goodness left in the world, it’s no wonder you thought you were on a long-term winning streak. Your utterly amazing 2012 is also probably the reason you were cocky and/or foolish enough to drive 90mph in a 65mph zone while smoking pot. You’re like the new Icarus, Frank. You flew too high on wings of weed! Which would actually explain the legend of Icarus…

According to TMZ, the “Bad Religion” singer was pulled over in Mono County, California on New Year’s Eve for speeding in his BMW. The arrested officer noticed the vehicle smelled like like the set of a Harold & Kumar sequel, and promptly found marijuana in Ocean’s possession. Frank was cited for “marijuana possession, driving on a suspended license, and tinted windows,” in addition to having his license revoked. We say just shake it off, Frank. We were kidding about the Icarus stuff! We have no interest in watching you serve jail time or plummet it out of the sky or any of that stuff this coming year.

p[Photo:Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Pure Genius: JWoww Responds To “Vile” NYE Butt Photo With Extremely Flattering Butt Videos

JWoww posts butt video

We’re honestly surprised it took this long for a celeb to refute an unflattering wardrobe malfunction with yet another wardrobe malfunction. It feels right that it would be a Jersey Shore alum, doesn’t it? JWoww was apparently enraged by the less-than-flattering photo someone snagged of her behind during New Year’s Rocking Eve, and wanted to clarify that someone must have Photoshopped the pic. “My real booty lol make fun of mine not a fake one,” the Snooki & JWoww star tweeted along with two videos she posted to Keek, a site we’ve literally never heard of before. Is it a social media platform solely for butt videos? Oh, how we hope so!

“I know it’s not Victoria Secret but it’s mine and it took a lot of donuts and cheeseburgers to get this!,” JWoww declares while showing off her butt at great length and in great detail. While we don’t know if the original photo was Photoshopped or if it was just a bad angle combined with the reflection of a million sequins, JWoww’s videos definitively prove that she has a booty that would make Victoria Secret’s models weep. Hats off to you for silencing the pervs, Jenny! And hats off to you for ushering in a brand new area of celebrities showing off their butts twice. We hope!

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by (@hallekiefer)

Photographer Convinced Justin Bieber Smoking Pot And Driving; Bieber Sends “Thoughts And Prayers” To Family

Justin Bieber Sends Prayers To Dead Paparazzo's Family

In a turn-of-events that should give everyone in the celebrity gossip industry pause, TMZ reports that deceased photographer Chris Guerra was allegedly tailing Justin Bieber‘s car yesterday because he was convinced he had seen Justin smoking pot and driving. As if this whole story didn’t make our minds hurt already, their source holds Bieber partly to blame for Guerra being fatally struck by a car while taking photos, claiming “the singer’s reckless driving history and alleged pot smoking” were too tempting a story to pass up.

Meanwhile, Justin himself offered words of condolence to Guerra’s family and friends today. “While I was not present nor directly involved with this tragic accident, my thoughts and prayers are with the family of the victim,” he said in a statement. “Hopefully this tragedy will finally inspire meaningful legislation and whatever other necessary steps to protect the lives and safety of celebrities, police officers, innocent public bystanders and the photographers themselves.” As for Miley Cyrus’ outraged Twitter comments in defense of Bieber, TMZ’s source declared, “Good Christians that I know … don’t throw stones at people who get killed.” Yes, there is not one aspect of this story that does not make our hearts shrivel up like a bunch of sad raisins.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

We Demand This Krysten Ritter 50 Shades Of Grey Rumor Be True! We Demand It!

Krysten Ritter Rumored For 50 Shades Of Grey

When it comes to wildly anticipated films like 50 Shades of Grey, casting rumors can drag on for months upon months. We’ve heard everyone from Alex Pettyfer to Tom Hardy mentioned for the movie’s male lead Christian Grey. (Our pants have currently settled on Ian Somerhalder as the hoped-for favorite.) As for who should land the part of Anastasia Steele, every brunette A-lister from Kristen Stewart to Emmy Rossum had gotten a mention. At least the rumors about potential Anastasia can stop today, because we just heard the best one of all: Don’t Trust the B—- In Apt. 23‘s Krysten Ritter. Cancel all the other auditions! It’s just going to be a waste of everyone’s time!

Everyone who knows Ritter’s oeuvre knows she can play anything from conniving sociopath to dim-witted teen to sweetheart vampire; there is no way she wouldn’t nail a role this juicy. Krysten helped boost the rumor earlier this morning by retweeting it, declaring “Thanks! i would be down. ;) ” Now, we all know sometimes rumors are just planted by a celeb’s publicist to drum up Internet support. If that’s the case with Krysten…then consider us drummed! Get E.L. James on the phone and tell her how drummed we are!

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

Ke$ha And Seventeen Reach Baller Status With Some Real Talk About Same Sex Attraction

Maybe we’re just easily surprised. Maybe we’re just nostalgic for the days of Sassy. Whatever it is, we were more than delighted to read Ke$ha talk openly with Seventeen about being attracted to both men and women, and to see the magazine print her comments like they’re no big deal. “I don’t love just men. I love people,” the musician revealed. “It’s not about a gender. It’s just about the spirit that exudes from that other person you’re with.” Aw, we love that! Of course Ke$ha’s comments are in fact no big deal, but occasionally people lose their minds about stuff like that. You know what we’re talking about. You live in the same society as we do.

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by (@hallekiefer)

Which Is More Amazing: NeNe Leakes’ Alleged Engagement, Or The Conspiracy Theory About It?

Congratulations on what seems to be your engagement, NeNe Leakes! And congrats to all your conspiracy theorists out there, too. This must be a field day for you. “My answer was,” the Real Housewives of Atlanta star hinted on Twitter yesterday. “Yes.” She also posted photos of the romantic evening planned by her ex-husband Gregg Leakes. It makes sense that people would assume she was referring to an engagement. The idea that NeNe and Gregg are going to get married specifically to up RHOA ratings and “a spinoff “wedding show” on Bravo,” however? Significantly less sense.

On one hand, claims that NeNe’s engagement is a reality TV stunt is ridiculous. NeNe is far too successful (The New Normal? Glee? Come on, people!) to fake a marriage to a man she does not want to be married to. On the other hand, if her engagement was part of a scheme to achieve world dominance, we have to bow to NeNe’s superior goal-attaining skills. We’ve already given up on our diet and we started that twelve hours ago. To fabricate a relationship to potentially get a reality show would be the ultimate New Year’s resolution. Let’s meet back here next January 2, 2014 and see who was right!

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

“Uneducated”? “Chubby”? Jennifer Lawrence’s 2013 Resolution Should Be To Ease Up On Herself

Vanity Fair Jennifer Lawrence Cover

We don’t know what our problem is today. Normally we love Jennifer Lawrence‘s brutally honest, self-deprecating sense of humor. Maybe it’s just having been around our families for the holidays, but JLaw’s recent comments to Vanity Fair and South Africa Marie Claire make us want to wrap her in a Slanket  and feed her delicious soups while watching our Christmas DVDs. In addition to calling herself “vastly uneducated,” the Catching Fire star told Vanity Fair “There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.” While we all agree medicine and firefighting are pretty much the most important jobs in society, give yourself some credit, Jennifer! You already have an Oscar nomination. How “uneducated” can you be? How meaningless your life goals?

Maybe we’re just still feeling sensitive about Jennifer’s comments to South Africa Marie Claire last week. “I’d rather look chubby on screen and like a person in real life,” Lawrence said about her weight. Whaaaaa? JLaw? Chubby? Is there literally no way to stop Hollywood from brainwashing people into thinking they are overweight? Even when those people are literally paragons of physical perfection?

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by (@hallekiefer)

Rihanna’s Michael Bolton Crush Is A Much-Needed Reminder That, Chris Brown Aside, She Is The Best

Rihanna Thrilled By Michael Bolton Fan Tweet

Considering that all of our recent Rihanna posts have something to do with He Who Shall Not Be Named (JK! We mean Chris Brown), we were starting to worry that people were forgetting how excellent Rihanna is as an independent entity. Take her reaction to Michael Bolton‘s very sweet fan tweet, for instant. “@rihanna Ur a truly powerful artist with a distinct voice that I love, and the rare kind who will have a great long career. Your fan, Mb,” the singer tweeted at RiRi last Friday. Rihanna took until yesterday to comment on his baller status compliment, we’re assuming because she immediately started hyperventilating and lost consciousness. “My heart fell to the floor!!! ‪#1love‬,” she gushed about the tweet. “‪#biggestfan‬.” Guys, how adorable is that? The only people we know who love Michael Bolton this much are RiRi and our dad, and they are both the cutest!

Of course, Bolton was only replying to Rihanna’s initial praise for him, which, again, is so great. “This man will forever be a legend in my eyes ‪#MichealBolton‬,” Rihanna swooned last week while posting a picture of Bolton in a sweet leather blazer. Dear sweet heavenly lord, what if they did a duet together? Maybe they can do a cover of “How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends?” Oh wow, that works on so many different levels for Rihanna. We are geniuses! Ending 2012 on the highest of high notes! See you in 2013, ya’ll!

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@hallekiefer)

10 Important Life Lessons We Hope Kimye Passes On To Babye (Kimby? Kanbabe?)

Jessica Simpson, we’re going to let you finish gestating, but Kanye West and Kim Kardashian‘s baby is going to be the greatest baby of all time! Haha, yeah. Get used to hearing those kinds of jokes for the next nine months! Everyone and Bruce Jenner have been freaking out over Kanye and Kim’s pregnancy, and it got us thinking: what kind of parental unit will Kimye be? Yeezy and Kim both have a wealth of hard-earned knowledge we hope to pass down to their baby. Especially since you know that baby is going to be in front of a camera so fast…

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by (@hallekiefer)

If A Celebrity Had To Criticize The Singing In Les Miz, We’re Glad That Celebrity Was Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert critized Les Miz vocal performances

Tee hee! We’re so glad it was Adam Lambert who criticized the singing in Les Miserables and not, say, any other person on the planet. “Les Mis: Visually impressive w great Emotional performances. But the score suffered massively with great actors PRETENDING to be singers,” the singer lamented last night as part of a truly winning Twitter rant. “The industry will say “these actors were so brave to attempt singing this score live”but why not cast actors who could actually sound good?” Now how are you going to argue with Adam Lambert on this issue? Claim he doesn’t know what good singing sounds like? Doing so would be but a fool’s errand, son.

Obviously, Les Miz fans were more than a little miffed at Glambert’s review. We still haven’t seen the sweeping epic (we know!), so we will withhold judgement, though to be fair we’ve heard mixed opinions about the vocal performance of everyone from Anne Hathaway to Russell Crowe since the first trailer dropped. What’s ironic about the whole thing is that Les Miz is basically the Adam Lambert of movie musicals: amazing hair, flawless wardrobe, maybe a little too grandiose but we’d all be disappointed if it wasn’t over-the-top. Even better? It’s not like Lamber’s apologizing! “Sorry for being so harsh but it’s so True!,” he tweeted. “I’m so glad we are all discussing this now! Look-I grew up w this musical and so my expectations are quite high. Didn’t mean to b negative.” You’re totally forgiven, Adam. Now what did you think of The Guilt Trip? Don’t hold back! Show Barbra no mercy! Rip Rogen to shreds!

[Photo: Getty Images]