Posts By Liz Black

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Ozzy Osbourne Chokes Fan Into Saying “Cheese!”

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While doing a press tour for his new book “I Am Ozzy”, Ozzy Osbourne has been meeting thousands of fans who want to shake the hand of the Prince of Darkness. We absolutely love the fact that this young fan in Boston wanted the ultimate Ozzy photo op (we presume he wanted Oz to make like he was biting his head off and settled for a friendly strangle instead). We can’t think of anyone else for whom this pose would be so cute and endearing. [Photo: SplashNewsOnline]

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John Mayer Will Not Spritz You

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Another day, another Michael Lohan arrest, and yet another John Mayer interview where he tries to be funny but comes off as a jackass. It’s like these celebrities can’t think of any new and creative ways to entertain us. This time, however, Mayer isn’t skeeving us out by talking about former conquests or macking on girls a decade younger than him , he’s just being blissfully ignorant of how lame he sounds.

Allow us to break down this most recent talking point about how he’s totally not gonna sell out by creating a line of perfume. It sounds halfway between a failed stand-up routine and that annoying friend you have that ends every bad joke with “Am I right??”

I’m not selling ‘John Mayer: the cologne’. If I did it would just smell like sausage and sleep.

Wokka wokka! Sausage! And SLEEP! Sleep doesn’t even smell, you guys!

I don’t look at my fans and think, ‘Wow, they really like what I do musically. Imagine if I could get 60 more dollars out of them!’

So noble! Wait, he could totally do a Designer Imposters version of his own cologne and sell it on the cheap. If you love “John Mayer Smells Like Ass”, you’ll love “Running For Mayer”.

Who out there really goes, ‘You know what, I just f**king love perfumes. I always have since I was a kid. If I weren’t a pop singer, I’d be a perfumier…’ (sic)? At some point I may turn into an a**hole, but right now I just peddle a CD for 15 dollars every two years.

Er, at some point?

Oh John, you’re even more clueless than we thought. And you’re missing a great opportunity, there’s a tag line somewhere in making your body smell like a wonderland. [Photo: Getty Images]

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Rihanna “Messed Up” Last Year’s Grammy Awards

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Rihanna is nominated for two Grammys this year for her collaboration with Jay-Z and Kanye West for “Run This Town”, but the singer won’t be performing on stage when the show airs this Sunday.

If you’ll recall, the altercation between Chris Brown and Rihanna took place on Grammy night last year and overshadowed the evening’s musical proceedings. (Seriously – can you name one Grammy winner from last year? Neither can we.) During a radio interview with Carson Daly, Riri explained why she thinks she wasn’t asked to be a part of the award show saying “We messed up the show pretty bad last year, so they’re probably a little mad at me right now.” We seriously  doubt that the folks running the Grammys actually hold her responsible for what happened last year, but maybe they think that bringing her on stage will refresh people’s memories. Who knows? We’re just relieved that M.I.A. won’t be performing nine months pregnant again, our water broke just watching her. [Photo: Getty Images]

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Cameron Douglas Heads To The Slammer For At Least Ten Years

Was2510698Michael Douglas might enjoy recreational use of prescription drugs like Viagra, but his son Cameron has always liked the harder stuff and he’s going to have to do some pretty hard time as a result.

Cameron was arrested in 2009 for dealing cocaine and crystal meth in New York and has pleaded guilty to the distribution charges as well as heroin possession. At a sentencing, to be held on April 27, Douglas will receive a minimum of ten years in prison. The elder Douglas said of the situation “Cameron has a lot of his life ahead. He now recognizes his own demons and struggles. He’s a tough kid. Still, he’s in a federal prison, and you’ve got some big, bad boys down there.” Ten years in prison might seen rough, but considering Michael’s half-brother Eric died from an overdose in 2004, it may serve as a much-needed wake-up call. [Photo: Getty Images]

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Brittany Murphy’s Husband Sues Warner Bros.

15664801In one of the shakiest lawsuits we’ve seen in a while, Brittany Murphy‘s husband Simon Monjack plans to sue Warner Brothers for wrongful death, claiming that Murphy suffered from heart failure as a direct result of being fired from the film Happy Feet 2. Monjack told The Daily Beast “They killed her,” referring to the film studio who terminated Murphy’s contact on the film two weeks before her death in December. He explained that the stress of being let go from that movie as well as being replaced by Rachel Lefevre on the film The Caller took a toll on her health and directly resulted in the heart attack that claimed her life. He also acknowledged that he’s no stranger to lawsuits, reasoning that “I litigate when somebody does something wrong to me. That’s one of the reasons I make enemies.”

The death of a 32-year-old is certainly uncommon, and forgive us for  contradicting a grieving widower, but Murphy’s history of extreme weight loss, drinking and drug use might have had more to do with her death than anything else and a lawsuit just seems like a greedy, bad idea. We’re pretty sure Judge Judy would ream Monjack out for wasting her time with this case. [Photo: Getty Images]

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American Idol: Deep In The Heart Of Texas

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The more audition episodes we have to endure on American Idol, the more we wish that they’d just condense them into one two-hour special and then zip right into Hollywood. Dallas was, with the exception of Neil Patrick Harris and backflipping Todrick Hall, yet another episode that dragged, but there was definitely some talent in the Lone Star State.
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Tori Spelling, How Many Stuffed Animals Died For Your Coat?

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Hailing from New England, where the winters are brutal but the snow days are awesome, we’re accustomed to dealing with cold weather and we find it funny when people from other, warmer states flail at the first sign of a snowflake or temperature dip. Take for instance, native Californian Tori Spelling who is in New York City making press appearances today where it’s about 40 degrees outside. That’s not especially cold, but Tori bundled herself up in her finest winter coat that looks like it was made entirely of stuffed animal fur. It’s a look that we’re calling “Teddy Bear Picnic Massacre: 2010″. At least they bears didn’t die in vain. As for hubby Dean McDermott, he’s sporting a sling from a recent motorbike accident but luckily he can still multitask by posing, holding his BlackBerry and accepting fliers from crazies on the street. [Photo: Getty Images]

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Snooki’s “Too Classy” For Springer

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Here’s a story we love on so many levels: Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is too classy for Jerry Springer. Not his show mind you, she too classy to meet the man himself. When the were both hanging out at Foxwoods this past Friday (that’s the other part of this extra classy story we love), Springer saw Snooki and requested an introduction and Snook’s response was this hilarious gem: “I am way classier than that. We are not The Hills.”

Foxwoods! Classier than The Hills! Gasping! For air! This is too much! So much for the tagline “Meet me at Foxwoods.”  Snooki’s only going to meet certain people there and Jerry ain’t one of them. Maybe Snooki will change her mind if she ever needs a DNA test to determine paternity. [Photo: Getty Images]

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American Idol Auditions: Los Angeles (And Un Diablo)

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We can confirm that L.A. contestants on American Idol are a lot more emotionally unstable than in other cities. That was the biggest lesson we learned from Tuesday night’s crying montage anyway. We also learned during the episode that Avril Lavigne will never not shop at Hot Topic, Katy Perry appears to hate Kara DioGuardi as much as we do, and a lot of ministers want to be rock stars. Read on for all of our stray observations from this pretty craptastic episode.
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Steven Tyler Gives Solo Performance…At Home Depot

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Aerosmith might be broken up at the moment, but Steven Tyler still wants to rock any time, any place. And that includes the times when he’s out shopping for home repair essentials. TMZ reported this week that while shopping at a Rancho Mirage, CA Home Depot, Tyler commandeered the intercom system to give an impromptu performance of “Dude Looks Like A Lady” and “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing.” Why does this sort of thing never happen to us when we go shopping?

Actually, maybe Tyler is on to something. Aerosmith’s music does seem to lend itself to construction-inspired remakes. We have some suggestions for new song or album titles he might want to consider:

  • “Janie’s Got A Caulking Gun”
  • “(Sump) Pump”
  • “Toys In The (Newly Insulated) Attic”
  • “Permanent Vacation Home”
  • “Eat-In Kitch”
  • “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing (Contractor’s Lament)”

Tyler’s been hanging out in California while in rehab for his painkiller addiction. And we clearly have problems of our own.  [Photo: Getty Images]