Posts By Matt Muro

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Kanye And Selita Are So Getting Married And Making Babies

Rumors that Kanye West and Selita Ebanks were knocking boots began to surface as far back as 2008. But People ran an article quoting an inside source claiming the two were “just friends.” That is definitely possible. Because, you know, there’s a lot of rappers with over-sized egos and libidos who are “just friends” with gorgeous Victoria’s Secret models.

The rumors died during the Amber Rose era and then resurfaced recently when the two were photographed sitting next to each other at the U.S. Open. Not wanting to jump to conclusions, we weren’t 100% convinced that Kanye and Selita were an official couple. But this picture of the two at the New Yorkers For Children Fall Gala last night changes everything. It’s their official coming out portrait. Their body language and facial expressions are calling out in unison, “Yeah that’s right we’re totally together and madly in love and we don’t care what you think so suck it.”

This time around, allow us to jump straight to a major conclusion: Kanye and Selita are going to get married and they’re going to make babies, soon. And we’re not basing our theory on one picture alone. Said Kanye last month to Rap-Up: “I’m not trying to dive into anything unless I really, really think that I can marry this person. I look at this person and I say, ‘This is how I want my daughter to be.’” Hmmm. Who in the world could he be referring to?

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The Tea Party Explained, Finally!

Leave it to a news organization in Taiwan to define the Tea Party platform for regular Americans. If you thought that Christine O’Donnell comes down hard on masturbation, wait until you see her tough stance on having sex with chickens. This animation also makes it clear that the Tea Party plays on a cruel sexual paradox: It preaches abstinence via vixens and MILFs. Just ask Karl Rove. It drives him insane with lust!

And a word of advice for Obama: Run while you still can. The Tea Party Express is racing full steam ahead. It will smoosh you. Not the Jersey Shore kind of “smoosh.” That would be a sin worthy of an eternity in hell. We’re talking “smoosh” like a bug.

Thanks to BWE video editor Pete Schultz, who is fluent in Taiwanese and most other languages, for translating this video.

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Adam Lambert Whoops Ass, Keeps Manicure and Pedicure Intact

BWE BFF Adam Lambert taught the world a lesson that we already knew but sometimes forget: Gay people kick ass just like straight people — except sometimes they might look a little better doing it. Don’t think because a dude has his fingernails and toenails painted to perfection and is wearing what could only be described as  gay beachwear that he won’t beat your parasitic ass to the ground if provoked.  Glambert unleashed his can of whoopass yesterday on a paparazzo hounding him on Miami’s South Beach.

Bonus! Here are The Top 7 Scariest Pics of Adam Lambert Kicking Paparazzo Ass, from least to most:

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Question: Why Are We So Damn Depressed Today?

First, let’s state the obvious: You are majorly depressed today. You didn’t want to get out of bed this morning. You felt like calling out sick to work. You feel empty inside. How do I know? Take a look at Yahoo!’s trends:

Zing! “Depression” is No. 2. So it’s a fact that the huge majority of us (myself included!) are living in a very dark place today. In an attempt to help out, I’m conducting some investigative journalism on the fly, using the Yahoo! main page as my only source. Bear with me.

It appears there are three likely culprits as to why we’re feeling so horrible.

1. Heidi Montag (trend No. 1) – Terrible plastic surgery. Fame whoring and breast baring. General vapidness. Yes, she could cause depression. But how many people (especially those over 50) know who Heidi Montag is and are there enough of them to bring the whole country down?

2. Prostate Cancer (trend No. 3) – Sad, clearly. But there’s probably not enough cases.

3. Tea Party – According to the lead headline, the Tea Party is depressing some veteran Republicans, but, for the 50th time, what exactly is the Tea Party again? Using Google’s autocomplete search suggestions to look for clues it appears to be a “movement” of “patriots” that has something to do with “jesus” and “racism.”

Huh? Isn’t “racism” the only item on that list that would cause us to be depressed today? Is this the reason for our stupor? I give up! Let’s go get a drink. Or use the comments to have a group therapy session.

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Note To Hollywood: Killer Shrimp Is The Next Blockbuster

Piranha 3D has racked up about $25 million at the domestic box office since its Aug. 20 release date. Not too shabby, but not exactly gangbusters. Maybe that’s because it’s the second time the movie’s been remade. Are piranhas getting old or what? Answer: Yes. What horror fans really need is a new variety of mutant animal to go crazy and devour human flesh — and preferably ones that are a real-life threat. Enter Killer Shrimp!

Yes, Killer Shrimp have invaded the UK for reals! According to the BBC, these “predatory” and “vicious” shrimp bite and shred their prey to death — but often leave it uneaten. How perfectly savage. You couldn’t make this stuff up. Never mind that their unfortunate prey is only wimpier shrimp and small fish. This is Hollywood were talking about.

Here’s the plot: An army of thousands of little shrimp are swimming towards a pack of stupid spring breakers. The boys are drinking out of beer bongs in rafts. The girls are having a wet T-shirt contest. Snooki is there. For the first three-quarters of the movie, the shrimp are trying to reach their targets but it’s taking a long time because shrimp don’t have fins and they aren’t fast swimmers. The audience might also be a little confused because all shrimp look so cute and harmless. But, remember, these are Killer Shrimp, even though they look like the shrimp you eat in shrimp cocktail, and they are super pissed that humans have spent centuries trapping them and ripping the shells off their bodies. It’s payback time! The movie ends in a total blood bath.

Bragging rights to anyone who can think of the best tag line for Killer Shrimp: The Movie©!

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The 5 Best Pics of Ellen DeGeneres Modeling At Fashion Week

You’ve probably already heard that Ellen DeGeneres surprised the audience yesterday at designer Richie Rich‘s NYC Fashion Week show by walking the runway. Judging by the press, you’d think her modeling stint was one of the most exciting things to happen to fashion in years. At first, this seemed kind of weird to me. I mean, I like Ellen as much as the next person. She’s hilarious. But what does she have to do with fashion?

Then I saw these pictures! Clearly, fashion will never be the same.

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Save Justin Bieber Wednesdays: Ne-Yo And Johnny Weir Edition

(Save Justin Bieber Wednesdays is our weekly dose of advice meant to help the baby-faced singer avoid the pitfalls of arriving at fame as a teenager.)

It’s a double-header today! Ne-Yo and Johnny Weir have both done The Biebs a solid. We grouped them together because their advice is short, sweet and similar — with one big exception. One of these celebs believes that wearing leather pants could lead to Justin Bieber’s downfall!

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Sienna’s Legs And Jude’s Man Cleavage Battle For Sexiest Body Part

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Why do Jude Law and Sienna Miller have such silly smirks on their faces? At first glance, you’d think they’re just having a great night out in London. But we think something else is going on. We think Jude and Sienna are locked in a Battle of the Sexiest. Here’s our theory …

If you’re Sienna Miller, you don’t wear a red dress showing that much thigh without knowing you’re going to get ogled by every man (and woman) in sight. And if you’re Jude Law, and, come on, you’re used to having all eyes on you, how do you compete with a sexy little number like Sienna’s mini-dress? Mere pants will never do the trick. But a shocking amount of man cleavage might — especially if this man cleavage exposes every hair on your perfectly tanned chest. In fact, Jude’s T-shirt is hung so low he may become the first male celebrity since Russell Brand to have a nipple slip.

Look closely at both actor’s facial expressions. Sienna seems to be saying, “Pff! Can’t touch these legs!” To which Jude responds: “Yeah yeah yeah, you know my man chest got more attention tonight!”

Bonus closeup shot of Jude’s man cleavage after the jump.

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