Posts By Matt Muro

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An Open Letter To The Hippie Who Saw A Double Rainbow

There are people who’d laugh at you for weeping upon seeing a double rainbow and wanting to know what it means. Pay them no mind. They’d reduce the “meaning” of your rainbow to a double reflection of sunlight inside of raindrops. Sad, right? These people are decaying souls who’ve worked in drab concrete office buildings for so long that they’ve lost one or more of their five senses.

But you, my friend, have a sixth sense. I can tell that you have a third eye that reveals glimpses of the metaphysical. Now you just need a spiritual master to teach you how to commune with the other side without becoming overwhelmed. I know unequivocally what the double rainbow means. But I can’t tell you. You have to find out for yourself. I can only set you in the right direction on your journey towards enlightenment.

First, you must find a woman who also has a third eye. It might be difficult to know whether she has a third eye, but follow your intuition. (Hint: Women with third eyes often have very long hair parted in the middle and sometimes wear headbands and sandals. Nicole Richie, for example, has a third eye.) Once you’ve found a good woman, pack a bag full of nuts and seeds, oatmeal, honey, fragrant flowers and patchouli.

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The 10 Best Pics of Chris Brown Crying During the World Cup

You guys totally aren’t going to believe this. It’s kind of shocking. I wouldn’t believe it myself if I hadn’t just discovered these pictures. But it looks like Chris Brown has been traveling the world to hang out with soccer fans ever since his BET Awards cryfest. And what’s even weirder is that he hasn’t managed to stop crying yet! We’re really starting to worry about Chris. But since Michelle already brought you the The 10 Best Pics of Chris Brown Crying it only seems natural to follow it up with …

The 10 Best Pics of Chris Brown Crying During the World Cup:

10.

9.

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Robert Pattinson Fully Morphs Into Morrissey At Eclipse Premiere

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Robert Pattinson and Morrissey: Separated at birth! Are we right or are we right? RPatzz has been vaguely reminding us of some God-like celebrity from another era. But we couldn’t put our finger on it — until now. The bouffant hair. The English charm. The pronounced jawline and the well-endowed eyebrows. Come on! They’re practically twins. Rob’s  purple suede jacket at the Twilight Eclipse premiere reminded us of the album cover for Morrissey’s  You Are The Quarry (note the similar duds). Is RPatzz intentionally modeling himself after Morrissey?

Either way, Rob’s striking similarity to Morrissey leads us to two predictions.  1) That Robert Pattinson’s career will be extended at least two decades by the fandom of Mexicans, probably thanks to his near pompadour.  And 2) That Robert Pattinson is a shoo-in to play Morrissey in what we’re guessing is an inevitable Hollywood biopic. More pics after the jump …

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The Most Important Picture Of The Year

You might think this picture of Rihanna relaxing in Barbados between tour stops is merely clogging up space on this blog. And maybe you think it’s just a cheap excuse to post a sexy Rihanna bikini picture. But you’re so wrong! The Eighteenth Day of June in the Year of our Lord two thousand and ten will actually go down in the annals of celebrity history as a significant one.

You see, there have been plenty of sightings of Rihanna in bikinis at various beaches around the world. There have also been sightings of Rihanna in bikinis chillin’ at pools. But no one has ever seen a red-headed Rihanna in a bikini anywhere. Until now.

It’s such a rare and unexpected thing that I’d say it’s comparable to the recent alleged spotting of an ivory-billed woodpecker — a gorgeous, elusive creature long thought to be extinct! Not to mention these photographs will continue to fuel the important debate as to whether Rihanna’s new ‘do is hot or hideous. More Rihanna red-headed bikini pictures here. [Photo: Splash News Online]

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Rihanna’s Red Hair: Is It Really That Hideous?

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Rihanna debuted her adventurous red hairdo at a festival in Spain recently, and we’ve scoured the Internet to find out how the public feels about it. While there’s a few people out there who like the new ‘do, the overwhelming majority think it’s “hideous.” For example, a commenter at Celebitchy says Rihanna’s “haircut makes her look like a freak … and she should keep her head in a bucket til it grows out.” A commenter at Just Jared thinks Rihanna has “ugly hair color and she looks like a tranny.”

But we’re wondering if the harsh reaction to Rihanna’s hair isn’t partially due to the outfit she wore at the festival — a concoction of fishnets and a Madonna-like bra. Because one commenter at The Huffington Post said they hadn’t seen an “outfit that ugly since Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” and another asked, “What’s the purpose of fishnets if your fish slips out?”

So we’re posting brand new pictures of Rihanna and her half-shaved red hair — and this time around she’s wearing a cute, simple bikini. What’s the verdict? Still hideous? Or maybe a little hot? [Photo: Splash News Online]

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Obama’s Oil Spill Speech: What He Was Really Thinking

Many pundits, especially liberals, found President Obama‘s oil spill speech lacking in specifics as to how we’ll clean up this catastrophe. (But at least fresh evidence came to light about Obama’s cameo in Tag Team’s “Whoomp! There It Is” video!) At BWE, we don’t get involved in politics. Yet for some mysterious reason, while watching the speech, I could see right through Obama’s rhetoric as if I were in the midst of a vision quest.  I saw talk bubbles floating around his head, exposing his thoughts and belying the words coming out of his mouth. Believe me, it was freaky. Here’s what I saw.

STATEMENT: “Good evening. As we speak, our nation faces a multitude of challenges.”

WHAT HE WAS THINKING: Global warming. Never-ending wars. Recession. Miley Cyrus kissing girls. We’re screwed!

STATEMENT: “And tonight, I’ve returned from a trip to the Gulf Coast to speak with you about the battle we’re waging against an oil spill that is assaulting our shores and our citizens.”

WHAT HE WAS THINKING: Should I have mentioned the countless dying fish and fowl along with “our shores and our citizens.” Wait, animals don’t vote!

STATEMENT: “After the rig sank, I assembled a team of our nation’s best scientists and engineers to tackle this challenge — a team led by Dr. Steven Chu, a Nobel Prize-winning physicist…”

WHAT HE WAS THINKING: If only MacGyver had been available!

STATEMENT: “In the coming weeks and days, these efforts should capture up to 90 percent of the oil leaking out of the well.”

WHAT HE WAS THINKING: I have no idea how long it will take. But what I can do is guarantee that it will take “weeks” and “days.” It might be three weeks and two days, or 200 weeks and one day, but it will definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY be “weeks” and “days.”

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MTV Movie Awards Live Chat – Sh*t Gets Real!

Want to see Katy Perry pretend to get naked or the Jersey Shore cast flaunt their Miami tans? We don’t blame you. But don’t miss Michelle Collins pleading or muscling her way to the front lines of the MTV Movie Awards red carpet, where she’s tweeting into this shared live chat with MTV. And remember: The last time she stepped foot on a red carpet, Michelle asked Jennifer Hudson to appear in Creamgirls, her hopefully forthcoming white version of Dreamgirls. So put on your seat belt. Michelle also scored a seat in the audience. Stay with BWE.tv for the whole show.

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MTV Movie Awards Live Chat

This year’s MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Aziz Ansari, will be just like the Oscars — except sillier, sexier and probably more fun. Christina Aguilera is making her big comeback performance; Katy Perry‘s promising to get naked (don’t hold your breath); the Jersey Shore cast will flaunt their Miami tans; and Kristen StewartRobert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner are presenting a new “Eclipse” clip. Stay with us as we break down the hotties and notties of the Movie Awards in our shared chat with MTV and BWE.tv.

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Interview: Jennifer Aniston Talks Bikinis, Exes

(Jennifer Aniston did not stop by our offices earlier today to drink whiskey and talk about her body. Here’s the unedited transcript of the interview that didn’t happen.)

“Do you mind if we get totally superficial about your body for a minute? No? Okay, thanks. Let’s start with the obvious: You, Jennifer Aniston, in your hot pink bikini, look ridiculously amazing. Yes you do! Jen, stop stop stop. Let me finish. I’m being totally serious. I can’t believe you’re 41. Do you realize that any single, warm-blooded mammal (hell, amphibians and reptiles too) would jump (or swim or crawl or whatever) at a chance to be near you?

What? You can’t be serious. I refuse to believe that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to you! You know what? Screw Brad Pitt. Screw Vince Vaughn. Screw Gerard Butler. Screw all of them — especially John Mayer. He’s just a teenybopper blabbermouth! I still can’t believe he said his penis is like “a white supremacist.” What a fool. Hahahahha. Good one! A tiny tongue without tastebuds. You’re so right! Jen, you are so smart and funny and you’ve never been given proper credit for your comic timing. Did you know that? Sure, you’re welcome.

Yeah, I think I remember reading about it. He used to be John “Twitter Addict” Mayer, right? Well can I tell you something? No dude in his right mind would be out to dinner with you and stare at anything but your eyes? I mean, sure, being a warm-blooded mammal I might glance at your legs, but I think you have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.

Jen? Did I say something wrong? Hey there, are you okay? Here’s a tissue. I know this is going to sound crazy but I have a flask of whiskey in my drawer. Do you want some? No, please please please. Don’t even think about it. We all need a drink sometimes. Who cares if it’s 11:30 in the morning. Okay. Why not? I’ll have a swig. I can’t believe we’re sitting here passing this flask of whiskey back and forth. Aww, Jen! Really? I totally agree. It’s probably the best interview I’ve ever had too!

No. I’m not saying that because I’m drunk. I didn’t eat breakfast or anything and I’m definitely feelin it. But I’m being super serious. I love this interview too! I totally wish it didn’t have to end. Really? I mean, really? But what can you do? You’re in the middle of filming. You can’t just not show up to the set. Of course you can have my card! Here. Take two or three! But do you promise to call? Yes we can talk off the record. See, look. Right now I’m turning off the tape recor”  [Photos: Splash News Online]

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An Open Letter To The Man Ogling Sex Ads On The Train

On one hand, I totally get it. You know, sometimes you just need to have sex. There’s nothing wrong with having sex. I like to have sex too. And as I snapped this picture of you on my iPhone I realized that sex doesn’t always come easily for guys who aren’t as good looking and charming as myself. If you feel like having sex when you’re riding the subway, it’s not like you can ask a random girl to get off at the next stop, trek up to your fourth-floor studio walk-up, and let you mount her. I probably could, if I really wanted to. But you look like you’re past your prime. Not to be superficial, but my batting average is probably higher than yours. We’re not in the same league, you know?

So you turn to sex ads when you have the urge. No biggie. We all have needs. Yours are apparently satisfied by petite Asian women. I couldn’t help but notice that you were particularly fond of that Japanese one in the white bikini. That’s cool. She’s pretty hot. But I have a few questions for you.

First, how did you become so frank and unreserved? Could anything at all possibly embarrass you? I’d imagine that most people who look at sex ads do everything in their power to hide the fact that they look at them.  But you were spreading out those sex ads like you were studying the help wanted section at your kitchen table.

I’d also like to know whether you were aware that everyone could see you getting super stoked about these petite Asian women in the train? If so, then do you get some kind of satisfaction from knowing that people are watching you ogle these petite Asian women? Not to be judgmental, but that would be kind of weird. Please write back. xoxo, Matt

P.S. I put that rectangle over your face to protect your identity. I’m sorry if you would have preferred to have your face exposed for all BWE readers to see.