Posts By Ambika Muttoo

by (@missmuttoo)

Clash Of The Worlds Biggest Idiots: Michael Lohan To Sue Rachel Uchitel

So this whole six degrees of separation theory doesn’t apply for all of humanity. Because apparently, between slime balls, there’s only one degree. Case in point: Michael Lohan and Rachel Uchitel. And in true slime ball form, he’s thinking about suing her.

Michael supposedly helped Yuckitel with getting her fame whore on, including her upcoming stint on Celebrity Rehab. Who the hell would trust their “career” with Michael Lohan? She should be sued just for that alone. But to be fair, Rachel isn’t exactly known for her brains. Soooo, Papa Lohan introduced the man-eating Tiger to David Weintraub. Now this dude is supposed to be some sort of talent manager, but we seriously doubt that because he agreed to accept Rachel as a client. Scratch “talent” right off his business card.

He’s the one who got Uchitel on Celeb Rehab where she’s allegedly raking in $500,000. Now this is when it gets mangled: Michael gets a commission off the clients he gets Weintraub, who was supposed to get a 20 percent commission off of Uchitel, which he would have then shared with Lohan. But now Rachel’s apparently played both of them. Lohan said she made a payment installment of $60,000 but refused to pay anymore and gave the rest of the money to charity. And by “charity” she probably means “shoes.” To add insult to injury, she want’s the original payment back. We have no idea why, but this is Michael Lohan’s story.

No money for Weintraub means no money for Lohan. And the statements coming from both Uchitel and Weintraub seem to be telling Lohan to make like the crazy banana he is and split. Rachel’s lawyer, Gloria Allred‘s statement basically translates to “F*ck off” reading, “Rachel has no agreement either in writing or otherwise with Michael Lohan. She is mystified as to why he believes he has any legal claim. She will not dignify his comments about her with any additional response. She has no further comment on this matter.”

Lohan’s giving her a week to pay up, else it’s off to courts. Please God, let this happen.

by (@missmuttoo)

DJ AM’S Legacy Brings Music To Troubled Teens

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With so much whack stuff going on with celebrities, it’s nice to hear something quiet and heartfelt once in awhile. When DJ AM died last year the news came as quite an unexpected shock. But there’s a lot of good happening in his memory. An organisation called the DJ AM Memorial Fund was created after he passed, and it helps troubled teens who are dealing with addiction. AM aka Adam Goldstein dealt with addiction, mainly to crack, through his life. He had cleaned up, but unfortunately went back to the drugs after dealing with the stress of the plane crash he and Travis Barker were in. He died because of an accidental OD.

So it turns out that his memorial group aren’t just donating money to help these kids, they’re helping bring music into their lives. The centre is donating heaps of music and DJ’ing equipment to LA’s Phoenix House Academy in AM’s name. They’re giving them a cash donations, but also everything from turntables to laptops, so addicts can find a healthy avenue to channel their talents. We think AM would thoroughly approve, as do we.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi And Spencer’s Divorce, More Gimmicks

We’re not going to get rid of them that quickly. Consider this, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have, for better or worse, clawed their way onto the radar. They’re at the bottom of the pit admittedly, but there they are in all their weird crystal loving-body dysmorphic-fame whoring glory. Therefore, when Heidi and Spencer announced their divorce, we celebrated the Speidi cheeseball PDA trainwreck (Photos) with a begrudging respect.

But the most epic romance of all time (barf) must have a befitting end. Keeping with their love of melodrama, Heidi announced the divorce on their first anniversary (they actually lasted that long). Now, apparently, the divorce official date has been set for … Valentines Day, 2011. Yes, the the day of love marks the demise of the most solid marriage that was ever documented on television.

Which also leaves plenty of time for a staged reconciliation. And another book. And another TV show. Because they’re like roaches. They won’t go away.

by (@missmuttoo)

New Kids On The Block. Backstreet Boys. Together.

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Time to start squeeing, ladies (and many gents)! Get yourselves (and your libidos) ready for this one. New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys are going on tour – TOGETHER. It’s like our old teenage self is going into hormonal overdrive. Can’t. Breathe.  Apparently, we have to thank Live Nation Entertainment for this boyband extravganza-bonanza, although they’re staying silent on this alleged hormone implosion for now. Yet insiders reckon that this glorious union might make it onstage by March 2011.

A source revealed, “The idea is to recreate the boy band phenomenon. It will be the ultimate ladies’ night out.” What do you mean “recreate” the boy band phenomenon? In our minds, it never went away! How AWESOME was it when the Backstreet Boys sang with the New Kids on “I Want It That Way”?

And there’s even BETTER news. The buzz is that they’re looking for a third boy band to join, and Boyz II Men might just be the ones. Can you handle it? CAN YOU HANDLE IT? Umm, clearly, we can’t.

[Photos: GettyImages]

by (@missmuttoo)

Snooki’s New Hook-Up: “She’s Drunk Most Of The Time”

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Aww, not even an “I love Snooki” tee-shirt could do the trick for ex Emilio Masella. Because our little Snooki is off to the sex shops for someone else now! Her new guido love, Jeff Miranda, has managed extricating his tongue long enough to give the press some one-on-one time. Totally unexpected, right? Why would anyone making out with Snooki want to behave like a fame-hungry ‘ho?

So this Miranda dude apparently met Snooki last week at Karma nightclub and won’t shut up about it, saying, “We hit it off really, really good. Nicole is actually really cute and seems like a cool a** person, even though she’s drunk most of the time. She’s a real sweet girl.” Our Snooki? Drunk? Sir, you lie!

Also…can we just repeat the “cool a** person, even though she’s drunk…” statement because that’s like, the best quote EVER. Also in what’s like the biggest lie EVER, Jeffie said they went to Snooki’s home the night they met and, “had in-depth conversations about each other’s lives, what our backgrounds were…It was almost like an instant connection.” Yeah right, they talked all night. Surrrrre. Dude, your pants are on fire.

There’s tons more, believe us, and it’s all in the same barf-inducing Snooki-soulmate vein. But here’s a sign that they’re a match made in cheeseball-heaven. He sighed, “…Her lips are matched perfectly to mine…I couldn’t even explain it.” There you go. The same weird, unnaturally colored beige lips seal the deal.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi Montag’s Plastic Surgeon Dies In Horrible Car Crash

What a horrible way to go. Dr Frank Ryan was a beloved plastic surgeon to the stars and responsible for Heidi Montag‘s jaw-dropping transformation. He also had Gene Simmons, the Gastineau Girls, Janice Dickinson, Shauna Sand, Vince Neil and Adrianne Curry on his roster, a who’s who of Hollywood’s most famous fake faces and bods.

Ryan’s 1995 Jeep Wrangler went down a rocky embankment towards the ocean on the Pacific Coast Highway yesterday. It landed on its roof, with Frank stuck inside. Lifeguards even tried to help get him out but to no success and when the paramedics arrived Dr Ryan was pronounced dead. The official cause is  “blunt force head injuries.” Ryan’s dog was also in the car and was found in the ocean. His eye and paws were injured but was otherwise released yesterday and in stable condition. There are some reports that he was messaging and tweeting when he accidentally drove over the cliff.

Condolences have started pouring in from all Dr. Ryan’s celebrity friends and clients. Heidi Montag tweeted,  “I am devastated to hear the news of Dr. Frank Ryan’s death. He was the most amazing person I have ever known. He was an angel and changed my life and the lives of everyone he met. He was the most brilliant talented surgeon who will ever exist. Dr. Frank Ryan changed the world.”

We’d argue that scooping out Heidi’s back wasn’t really world changing, but still – this is sad news. We send our prayers to his family and loved ones.

by (@missmuttoo)

Sad News: The Situation Will Not Be Entertaining Us On Bones

Join us in helping make The Situation feel better. It’s going to take more than a couple of hits of Ron-Ron juice for him to recover from the recent bad news our favorite GTLer just received. Recently, the internet was chirping about how a guest spot on Bones was being dangled in front of the Sitch. The news probably had his mankinis in a twist. But, consider the fleeting nature of life, fame and television shows. It was cruelly taken away from his just as quickly as it was offered, and given to Antonio Sabato Jr, a hunkier Italian with no need for nicknames. That’s gotta hurt.

We feel his pain. It was a legit TV series goddammit! And the role was perfect as well.  The episode, titled The Maggot in the Meathead, is like a Jersey Shore homage!  Yes, we know you can hardly believe it, but Stephen Nathan (exec producer) quipped, “…the episode will still be our little tribute to Jersey Shore and it will do what many people in America would like to see themselves-which is one of those people dead.”

Awww, how can he joke in the face of the Sitch’s disappointment? He would have gone down for posterity as a guido bouncer. We can visualize it with you and it is beautiful. Okay here’s the deal Sitch: You got your muscle boosters, you got your raise and you’re stalking that spot on Dancing With the Stars. Hell, even Cristiano Ronaldo got mistaken for you! You have nothing to worry about.

[Photo: Splash News Online and ]

by (@missmuttoo)

Joan Rivers Forgets She’s Already Had A Twitter Feud With Lindsay Lohan

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Joan Rivers is old. This is a fact. And no amount of plastic surgery can conceal this. A rather telling sign of age is memory loss, which is what the comedienne is apparently going. Remember her Twitter battle with Lindsay Lohan? The claws really came out in that one and Joan even offered to pay Lohan’s rehab bill. Which, FYI, we totally wish Lindsay had accepted because it would have been so much fun watching Joan backpedal out of that one.

Joan, like before, has taken to her Twitter account to push some old, tired Lindsay Lohan ‘jokes’. She’s trying desperately to be funny tweeting, ” ATTENTION!!! Lindsay Lohan cannot tweet from rehab, but (don’t ask me how) she sends me secret messages, which I will tweet for all of you!”

And then she went on a roll with classics like:

  • “J-Ro: Plan to be outta here soon. Gonna shop, party and sleep in my own bed…as soon as I get this last bar off the window. Xo LL”
  • “J-Ro: SHHHH! I just paid $7000 for a Vicodin. But I dropped it and can’t find it. I’m really upset as I got it below market price here. LiLo “
  • “J-Ro: This rehab is a lot worse than the other seven I’ve been in. You can’t get ANY drugs here! Can you believe it? Suck-o! Lilo”

Lindsay, obvs, can’t respond because she’s in rehab. Pick on someone who can actually give it back to you, Joan.

[Photo: Getty Images]