Posts By Jordan Runtagh

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Angelina Jolie Boycotts Thanksgiving, But It Will Probably Happen Anyway

Thanksgiving Grinch Alert! Angelina Jolie is apparently refusing to let her family take part in any Thanksgiving festivities this year, because she believes the holiday to be “a story of murder.”  So now Thursday will just be another day in Bosnia for the Jolie-Pitt clan, where Angelina is filming her directorial debut. In fact, she deliberately scheduled filming to ensure that she would be out of the country on the day.

“Angelina Jolie hates this holiday and wants no part in rewriting history like so many other Americans,” an friend told Popeater‘s Rob Shuter. “To celebrate what the white settlers did to the native Indians, the domination of one culture over another, just isn’t her style. She definitely doesn’t want to teach her multi-cultural family how to celebrate a story of murder. She gets so grossed out by Thanksgiving that she has made sure her family will not be in America this year on Thursday.”

Angie, Angie, Angie. You got it all wrong. Thanksgiving isn’t a celebration of genocide (well, maybe turkey genocide). It’s a celebration of the vast array of pies that are available in this great land! Whole families are brought together each year to exchange and compare pies. Then they will begin to argue over which flavor pie is the best, leading to fight at the dinner table about why the hell Aunt Sheila made rhubarb pie instead of pecan pie, because no one ever eats the damn rhubarb pie. And then sweet potatoes will be thrown, and you’ll remember why you only see your family once a year. It’s called tradition, Angelina!

[Photo: Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Will A $320 Toilet Seat Help Rupert Grint Put Harry Potter Behind Him?

rupert_toilet_main

The cast of the Harry Potter films all reacted differently to the end of the series. For example, Emma Watson famously cut her hair and Daniel Radcliffe had an identity crisis. But Rupert Grint is reportedly adjusting to post-Potter life by buying a $320 toilet seat. But before you get all bent out of shape, just wait: not only does it have a heated seat, electronic lid action and a bidet built right in, but he bought it DUTY FREE! So when we put it that way, you can see that it’s a steal, right?

Rupert was seen with his new purchase while passing through London’s Heathrow Airport today. He had just returned from Japan, where he bought the space age commode. Will it help him move on? Or will he stand in his bathroom a lot, screaming “Expecto Patronum!” and pretending it’s magic when he presses the automatic lid button? “No look, I really am a wizard,” he will tell lady friends, “But my skills only apply to plumbing fixtures.” And then he will make a lame joke about his “magic wand” before heading off to the bedroom. You can’t put a price on a magic toilet seat; but if you could, $320 seems about right.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

View Photo Gallery

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Randy Quaid Says Canada Saved His Life

randy_quaid_main

This Thanksgiving, it should come as no surprise that Randy and Evi Quaid are thankful for Canada. In fact, he says that were it not for our neighbor to the north, he and his wife would be dead. The two are claiming refugee status, and are currently undergoing an immigration hearing in Vancouver, British Columbia. They wish to remain in Canada in an effort to dodge the “Hollywood star wackers” that they believe are out to kill them. Allegedly many of their friends have died under shady conditions in the recent months, and the pair fear that they are next.

If the character actor can convince the Immigration and Refugee Board that his far fetched claims are true, he and his wife will enter the history books as the first Americans to gain refugee status in Canada. “I feel good. If it wasn’t for Canada’s refugee laws my wife and I would be dead,” he said before a hearing yesterday. But these pesky “Hollywood star wackers” aren’t the only things the Quaids are running from. They are also fugitives from a California court, where they face felony vandalism charges. Wow, and we thought the pilgrims had it rough! But in fleeing to a land where they will not be killed or persecuted, the Quaids have discovered the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Too bad their turkey dinner comes with a heaping helping of crazy.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Lady Gaga Got Anderson Cooper Drunk On The Job

The day before Thanksgiving is traditionally a time to return to your hometown, meet up with your old friends at a local bar, and talk about that time in high school you could have totally made out with this one girl—but you didn’t. So in honor of the day, we bring you a tale of the weirdest pair of drinking buddies in history: Lady Gaga recently got Anderson Cooper drunk on the job at a British pub.

The CNN newscaster was interviewing the pop legend for a segment which will air on 60 Minutes later this week. “We actually ended up that day in a pub in London drinking Jameson, which I don’t really drink,” Anderson told The Insider. “So, she got me to drink like two of them, and by the end I was ready to have the interview be over because I really sort of couldn’t ask anymore questions.” Really Anderson? Just two? We bet even Andy Rooney can beat that! But there is nothing we wouldn’t give to go out drinking with Anderson Cooper. What kind of stories would come out? The terrors of being embedded in Iraq? The horrors of a post-Katrina New Orleans? The nightmare of having two last names and no first name?

[Photo: Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Sarah Palin Busted For Beating Fish To Death On Film

sarah-palin-clubs-fish

Do you find it “weird” to hold the still-thumping heart of a dying creature in your hand? Well then you and Sarah Palin have something in common, my friend! Around Thanksgiving 2008, Sarah Palin gave a filmed interview with a turkey being slaughtered in the background. Maybe that sparked some kind of Thanksgiving animal cruelty tradition for the Palins, because now they’re under fire for a segment on their reality show. Animal rights activists are furious over a clip from Sarah Palin’s Alaska which depicts the former Vice Presidential candidate clubbing a halibut to death.

Camera crews filmed Sarah and dancing-queen-daughter Bristol while on a fishing expedition over the summer. But this was no ordinary Hallmark-style fishing trip down by the creek. This venture included beating the fish to death with a blunt instrument, allegedly a common practice among fishermen. The Alaska Charter Association claims that this technique is actually the most “humane” way to kill a fish, saying that it “minimizes the suffering.” Even so, we’re not so sure where grabbing the animal’s beating heart comes into play. Neither is the activist group In Defense of Animals, which isn’t too thrilled with the whole thing. “Sarah Palin’s complete lack of compassion as demonstrated in this snuff video is disgusting,” they said in a statement. “Most disturbing is the way she seems to enjoy causing suffering to other beings. When they laugh about the beating heart that Bristol holds in her hand, their complete insensitivity to the animal kingdom becomes clear.”

It’s an Alaskan Thanksgiving with the Palins!

[Photo: Splash News Online]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Emmy Rossum And Adam Duritz Break-Up Wasn’t A Big Deal For Them Either

Oh damn, looks like we missed one. Emmy Rossum says that she and Counting Crows lead singer Adam Duritz split…two months ago. How did she keep it quiet this long? It must have gotten lost in the Hollywood Nuclear-Breakup Pile under Christina and Jordan, Courteney and David, Eva and Tony, Billy Ray and Tish, Miley and Liam, etc. Sorry about that, guys. To apologize, here’s a sensationalized breakup post of your very own!

OK, it actually looks like it’s pretty amicable. Emmy spoke to USA Today’s Olivia Barker last week and casually mentioned that she and Adam have stopped seeing each other several months earlier. However, the actress maintained that she is “still very close friends” with her ex. The two started dating in September of 2009, despite Adam being over twenty years her senior. This isn’t the first time that Emmy has kept her private life under wraps. She was secretly married to music producer Justin Siegel for eighteen months in 2008.

A private life that is actually kept private? Remaining friends with her ex without any mud-slinging in the press? Not even one tiny law suit?! How rude! Didn’t she consider us poor entertainment writers? Maybe you don’t deserve a scandalous breakup post, Emmy!

[Photo: Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Ugly Betty Actor Kills Mother With A Samurai Sword While Screaming Biblical Passages

Michael Brea

And now for the most awful post we have ever written. Michael L. Brea, an actor who has appeared on Ugly Betty and in the film Step Up 3D, reportedly murdered his mother with a samurai sword while screaming passages from the Bible. The slaying took place early this morning around 2 AM in his Brooklyn apartment. Neighbors heard the sounds of screaming and frantic footsteps, and police were summoned soon after.

“I heard him chasing her [his mother] through the house and just saying a bunch of [Bible] passages like, ‘Repent, Repent, Repent,’” a neighbor told WPIX 11 News. “I heard him chasing her through the house, and [then] I heard a loud scream. So I had my father call the cops.”

“I had just dozed off to go to sleep and then I woke up to somebody screaming,” said another resident. “It sounded like lady’s voice and after I while I just didn’t hear the woman’s voice again.”

The police found the apartment “extremely bloody,” and discovered Brea’s 55-year-old mother Yannick lying on the floor, bleeding from multiple stab wounds. One source claims that she was decapitated. Medical services say that she was dead on the scene. Authorities had to tazer the young actor before bringing him to Kings County Hospital for psychiatric evaluation. His condition is described as “emotionally disturbed.”

No charges have yet been filed, and no explanation why the horrific crime took place. But more details to come.

[Photo: Facebook]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Friend Says Heidi Montag Had Crush On Her Plastic Surgeon: This Explains Everything!

Oh my god. Suddenly it all makes sense. We take it all back. The blow-up doll comments, the beach ball boobs slams and that time we laughed when her face fell off. It turns out, Heidi Montag did it all for love. At least that’s what her doctor’s “close friend” is blabbing to Radar Online. According to the site, Heidi had a hopeless crush on her late plastic surgeon Frank Ryan, who died in a car accident this August. The revelation comes just days after the former Hills star accused Dr. Ryan of misleading her into getting ten surgeries in one day. Maybe all she wanted was one magical day with Dr. Ryan….*swoon*

“I believe she had a crush on him,” Dr. Ryan’s friend Dawn DaLuise said in an interview to Radar. “I believe she was romantically obsessed with him… she saw him as a night in shining armor.” DaLuise also challenges Heidi’s claim that Dr. Ryan wanted her to be his personal Barbie Doll. According to her, it was the other way around. “He sent texts and emails to friends saying that she wanted to be a Barbie, she wanted to look exactly like a Barbie. He presented why he didn’t think it was a good idea.”

This raises the age old question: did she love him because of his plastic surgery skills, or did she get plastic surgery because she loved him? Or is this all crap? It’s probably that last one. But let’s pretend it’s not. Suddenly Heidi’s terrifying body transformation seems like a charming romantic comedy come to life! Sort of.

It’s a classic: Heidi was too shy (and too married) to ask him out, so she kept making other excuses to see him. A boob job here, a tummy tuck there. He won’t suspect anything. But after the anesthesia knocked her out, Heidi’s dreams were filled with visions of Dr. Frank. Maybe that whole divorce with Spencer was real after all, and she was going to leave him for Dr. Ryan. Didn’t they reunite right after the doctor’s untimely death?

We have done it. We have cracked The Speidi Code. Or maybe there’s a simpler answer.

[Photo: Images]

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Those Swingin’ Albas

Before stepping out at the American Music Awards, Jessica Alba had a play-date with daughter Honor Warren at a playground in Beverly Hills yesterday afternoon. Momma showed baby the intricacies of swinging solo, while dressed in fabulous designer couture. It looks like she got the hang of it pretty fast. Maybe lesson two will include jumping off mid-flight! For more adorability, check the pics below!

[Photo: Images]

View Photo Gallery

by (@JordanRuntagh)

Is Kim Kardashian Dating Halle Berry’s Ex?

kim_gabriel_main

Kim Kardashian needs a new date spot. It seems like every week we’re looking at pics of Kim court-side with some different guy. Can’t she just do Starbucks and The Olive Garden like the rest of us?

But this time, it seems like the guy in question is Halle Berry’s ex, model Gabriel Aubry. The pair were spotted coming and going together last night at LA’s Staples Center. They even met up with Kardashian Klan den-mother, Kris Jenner.  “They’ve been dating a little bit,” a source told People Online.

Well Kim, if things go south with Halle’s baby-daddy, we’d be happy to show you some new date spots. We’ve made a reservation at TGI Friday’s…

[Photo: Splash News Online]

View Photo Gallery