Posts By Saras

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Is That A Baby Bat Suckling My Teat?

15446381.178_7827.jpgNext time you THINK you feel your cellphone vibrating in your coat pocket, you might want to – just to be sure – take a quick gander at your boob, because there’s a chance that it might be a tiny bat nestling against your bosom.

A 19-year-old hotel clerk, Abbie Hawkins, didn’t do that, and guess what, she unknowingly sheltered a BABY BAT inside her bra for FIVE HOURS without realizing what the hell was going on. She thought it was her cellphone vibrating. I know, there are so many questions. So so many.

1. How in the world is a cellphone vibration through several layers of fabric in ANY WAY similar to the feeling of a winged and fanged creature wriggling around against your SKIN?

2. How…HOW…did this bat get into your bra in the first place? Were you spelunking earlier in the day? What on earth were you wearing that allowed such a thing to happen? A cone bra a la Blond Ambition Madonna? Or perhaps your boobs are enormous and your cleavage resembles the opening of a cave? (I’m jealous.)

Well, these questions may never be answered…at least not in written form! Because guess what? Abbie can tell us in picture form! Take a look at some pictures they took of her posing in her bra with a fake bat, after the jump!

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Finally: Entertainment That Won’t Cause Internal Bleeding

fredyoutube.JPGPerhaps you’ve already caught wind of the most amazing, adorable, authentically funny kid on YouTube: Fred. After several friends begged me to check out his Channel, I finally dove in this morning. And I’m ADDICTED. Now before you go watch (I recommend starting at the beginning, with #1.) – prepare yourself, because at first you will probably hate it. Give it some time though, lower the drawbridge over the 20-foot-wide moat of cynicism you’ve got built around your brain, and you’ll be filled with delight.

The L.A. Times recently wrote an article about Fred, and his extreme popularity with children, stating that his material was for “immature audiences only.” Well call me a zygote because I CAN’T STOP WATCHING.

This kid proves that with the right editing, creativity, personality, and genius use of the chipmunk effect – good clean fun IS still possible on the internet. Perhaps if we watch enough Fred, we can restore the proper PH balance to our systems each morning after a night of reckless I-Love-Money-Elle-Woods-Bachelorette-WipeOut-Groomer-Has-It binging.

He’s got more subscribers than anyone on YouTube, and his view counts are off the charts. As mentioned, the obligatory flurry of oh-my-god-a-kid-with-a-home-video-
camera-can-become-famous articles
has already commenced (when are we going to stop being shocked by this phenomenon?), and if he hasn’t already been bought by Disney or Nick – that would be shocking.

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…OF THE DAY

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PROFILES IN PANELISM: Sherrod Small Is Huge.

Update: Since you most likely spent this past Friday reciting the Declaration of Independence to a small group of friends and family, we’re reposting this. Enjoy!

sherrod0111.jpgRecently I had the honor and indescribable pleasure to sit down with BWE Panelist, Sherrod Small. He’s been making us laugh on Best Week Ever (airing tonight on Vh1 at 9 and 11 p.m.!) since it BEGAN, folks. He’s one of the originals and has much wisdom to impart. He’s got lots of new projects he wants to tell us about – including his work with Chris Rock, The Tony Rock Project, his special bond with John Mayer, and, of course, the status of his d*ck. Enjoy.

BWE: I tried to do some internet research on you, because that’s where our lovely blog exists.

Sherrod: Right, in the internet.

BWE: Yes, I know you’re not used to it, because you’re a TV star.

Sherrod: That’s right. But…I do go on the internet.

BWE: You don’t have a website.

Sherrod:
No. But, I’m launching a website this August! I’m having a party in the city. I’m going to have a lot of big friends there, like John Mayer. Everybody’s coming. But I’m trying to actually launch it right about my birthday on August 15th.

BWE: You could do it on 8-8-08.

Sherrod: I could, but the Olympics are dropping that day, and I might be in Australia with Chris Rock that day, because I help him write some of the stuff for the tour and what not. The tour is going strong right now, so I’m just going down there to check out some of the international stops on it.

BWE:
So you help prep him for his tour?

Sherrod: Right, like, [mimicking a hairstylist] “your hair look good that way, you should wear your hair like that.”

BWE:
What can we expect from your new website?

Sherrod: There is going to be a lot of footage of me performing, and of different TV shows that I’ve done, like the A&E, AMC, VH1 stuff.

BWE: Is it going to be more of a static website or are you going to be blogging on it?

Sherrod: It’s going to be blogging on it, it’s going to be full blogs.

BWE: Full blog?

Sherrod: Full blog press, it’s going to be bloggin, 24 hour bloggin.

Sherrod sexually harasses me, after the jump!

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I Love I Love Money

midgetmac.JPGI’ll admit it, I watched the first episode of I Love Money last night. I didn’t want to watch it, and I certainly didn’t want to LIKE it. But let me ask you this: does a heroin addict want to stab himself in the arm a hundred times before finding a vein? No. But he does it anyway. Similarly, there I was, screaming in pain, but unable to change the channel. Unable to move. And by the end…I can’t believe I’m about to write this…I actually loved this show.

Here’s what it is. Vh1 brought together the most ridiculous and infamous personalities from other Vh1 reality shows, such as I Love New York, Flavor of Love, and Rock of Love. Among them are some of the most idiotic, socially and physically abnormal, borderline-suicidal, vain, self-deluded, bat-sh*t crazy people you’ll ever see on TV. These people are the Bad News Bears of reality competition shows. It’s exactly like The Gauntlet, except 400 times more trashy. I didn’t think it was possible either.

Some may find this to be an indication that the Book of Revelation is about to come true. And maybe that is the case, but what better way to welcome the apocalypse than to lose yourself in the insanity of this show?

REASON I LOVE IT, #1:

Midget Mac’s answer to the question that all contestants answered: “What will you do with the $250,000 prize money?”

“About 200,000 is going to my momma and my daddy, and the other 50 is going to strippers.”

There was an awkward pause after he said it, and then Mac said, “For real, I’m trying to be real with you! That’s what I’m do!” At least he’s honest.

More reasons to love I Love Money, and to hate yourself, after the jump.

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A Lawn Chair, 155 Balloons, and A BB Gun: Mankind’s Dreams Fulfilled

0_61_071007_flying_chair.jpgHey Werner Herzog, I’ve got the subject of your next documentary! 48-year-old gas station owner, Kent Couch, rigged up 155 helium-filled balloons to a lawn chair and set sail across Oregon, flying for 200 miles before landing in Idaho. He used a Red Ryder BB gun to gradually pop the balloons in order to lower himself back to earth. I really love this guy Kent Couch. First of all, what a heroic American name. Second of all, he tapped into every human’s dream ever since we were forced to watch Le Ballon Rouge (The Red Balloon) on loop in kindergarten.

redballoon1.JPGThis was Couch’s third attempt – he wasn’t going to stop until he had reached his goal to cross state lines. He also carried with him a blow gun equipped with steel darts. Because blow guns are awesome, that’s why.

Anyway, as mentioned, this all reminded me of The Red Balloon, at the end when all the balloons in France find this kid and take him up to heaven, or wherever magical balloons go. But the part that I remember the most from the film is the traumatic scene wherein the red balloon is savagely murdered by the neighborhood bullies. Just before the death blow, the balloon is all sweaty, bubbly and sad-looking. Watch it unfold here, particularly around the 3:11 mark. Now tell me, who among us did not cry during this scene??

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No amount of multi-colored magical flying balloons can replace Red Balloon!!!! NO AMOUNT!

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The Effect Of Reality Competitions On The Brain

richard31208.jpgI have always wondered why reality show contestants seem to say the same cliched things over and over again. (Example: “America hasn’t seen the last of me!” after being been eliminated.) Is there something that happens to the human brain when subjected to the conditions and pressure of a reality show contest? Is it the cultural psyche imprinted upon these people, who clearly have watched enough reality television to have certain phrases burned into the speech chambers of their brains? Or are these shows scripted by the worst writers of all time? Because frankly, I’m tired of hearing the same sh*t ooze out of these people’s mouths. NEVERTHELESS, I can’t say that if I was cast on a reality contest (not sure when casting for Top Crochet begins), I wouldn’t find myself saying the same exact stuff.

Our friends over at Videogum have turned up an incredible montage that showcases the absolute worst cliche of all: “I’m not here to make friends.” Check it out, after the jump.

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SYTYCD Results: Nigel Dollar Bills, Y’all

SYTYCD3001.jpgSo You Think You Can Dance is starting to get INTENSE, you guys. This was the first week that a really strong couple was in the bottom three – and clearly, from here on out we’re going to have to get used to some of our favorite dancers laying it on the line and possibly going home.

The highlight of the evening was the mind-exploding performance of contortion-y popper, Robert Morane, who (sort of?) agreed to a dance off with Nigel’s other favorite popper, Phillip Chbeeb. Nigel was clearly still bitter that Robert had quit back in Vegas, and it got kind of uncomfortable there for a second, because Robert didn’t respond to the jabs. Nevertheless, I actually thought Robert’s routine in the auditions was SYTYCD3006.jpgbetter than what he did last night.

The show opened with a dance number choreographed by Tyce D’Orio, set to “Money Money” from Cabaret. The contestants were dressed up like they were getting an old timey photo taken at Six Flags. The dance was fun, and at the end they tossed fake money up in the air that had Nigel’s face on it. Lest we forget that this is Lord Nigel’s television program.

Find out who went home, after the jump!

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Phit: The Spa For Your Vagina

2220663_scaled_186x280.jpegHave you ever said to your girlfriends, “Hey girls, you know what? My down-there could really use a rubdown and a salt bath!” Well now there’s something OTHER than awkward silence that will follow that statement. A trip to Phit, New York City’s new spa just for vaginas! Phit is dedicated to “pelvic fitness”:

The signature treatment will be a $150 gynecological exam — in which a client contracts her pelvic muscles around Dr. Romanzi’s fingers — to determine by feel whether muscle tone is weak, moderate or strong.

The spa will also teach women how to do Kegel exercises, which is like yoga for your cooter. Dr. Romanzi says, “If you can vote and you have a vagina, you should do these. It’s the dental floss of feminine fitness.”

That’s all FINE AND GOOD, but really, the name should be something way cooler. Here are some proposed alternate names for Phit:

Cooter Crunch
Bally’s Total Cl*tness
The YMCA: Your Muff Can Achieve!
New York Sports Clam
Curve
Jim’s Sideways Taco Fitness Center & Shake Shack
Gold’s VajayGym
Million Dollar Bush: Cl*t Eastwood’s Box-ing Training Center

(Via Buzzfeed)

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SYTYCD: Don’t Leave It Paused On Your TV

SYTYCD2014a.jpgLast night, I was watching So You Think You Can Dance on DVR (have you heard of this amazing technology that stops time?), and had to temporarily pause the show to go break up a raccoon fight in my backyard. Well, when I came back, I saw the frozen screen and realized…this is not something you’d want your roomy, lover, or cat to see.

It totally reminds me of the time when a new roommate of mine walked through the room while I was watching Monster’s Ball, right during the sex scene where Halle Barry is grunting and saying “I want somebody to make me feel goooood!” AWKWARD!!

Aaaanway, on to the recap of last night’s show. Tonight the dancers performed two routines – which can only mean one thing: the competition is HEATING UP. Thankfully, there weren’t any annoying pre-taped “let me reveal something totally superficial about my partner” segments. Tabitha & Napoleon were the guest judges, which can only mean one thing: even more long-winded criticisms after each dance! Host Cat Deeley is dressed up like a penguin.

SIGNS THAT NIGEL IS ABOUT TO PULL OUT A SHOTGUN AND START PICKING OFF AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Saying to the audience, after getting annoyed several times with the audience’s boos, “Look, I’m trying to improve people on this show, and if you don’t like that, then why are you here? You can stop coming to the show. You can boo me, but don’t boo my good comments. Shut up and listen.” Daaaaamn. Did somebody get their once a month?

MOST TERRIBLY MANGLED ATTEMPT AT A PUN AND/OR CLEVER METAPHOR: Nigel was not comfortable with Courtney’s impersonation of a hip-hop dancer, saying “Courtney, you’re not ghetto, you’re more like Santa Clause’s grotto.” Huh?

BEST SUGGESTION THAT SYTYCD WILL BE INCLUDED IN HISTORY TEXTBOOKS: Nigel, when praising Katee & Joshua, said that they would definitely be remembered as “one of the 3 or 4 couples to make this season outstanding, when history is written.”

Recap of the routines, after the jump!

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