Posts By Saras

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Ass-Tasting Is Too “Racial” For Law Enforcement

kobe-and-shaq-in-happier-times.jpgShaq’s rap is going to cost him his special deputy’s badge in Arizona! Despite the fact that a special deputy’s badge is the equivalent of a flight attendant giving a child “honorary pilot wings” on an airplane, this must be a pretty tough blow for Shaq.

The most shocking part of the decision, handed down by Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, is the reasoning behind it. Arpaio states (perhaps to prove he doesn’t give celebrities like Shaq special treatment) that he wouldn’t tolerate this behavior from any of his deputies: “I don’t condone this type of racial conduct.”

I went back and watched the rap and tried to figure out what part of it was “racial.” Some ideas:

The obvious: Ass-tasting. Nothing screams “race” like tasting butt.

shaw.JPGThe subtle: Being really tall, and free-styling next to a presumably average-sized man, thereby making the average-sized man look like a mini-me sidekick, is totally racial.

The bigger picture: Did he mean that rapping in general is “racial conduct”? People smarter than me are telling me that’s what he means. So…based on that reasoning, if one of Arpaio’s cops ever spoke words that rhymed, technically, they could get fired?

I can’t say I’m surprised to find this sort of insane logic from Arpaio:

Arpaio, who describes himself as “America’s Toughest Sheriff” and is best known for feeding jail inmates green bologna, clothing them in pink underwear, and making them work on chain gangs, said he didn’t expect his actions would teach Shaq a lesson.

Perhaps Shaq is better off not working for this nutball, fake job or not!

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Slap Bracelets Just Got A Lot More Advanced

nokia5.jpgLook at this new cellphone! It is bendable and you can wear it like a bracelet. The first thing I thought was YES! Slap bracelets are making a comeback – and in the most delightfully high tech way!

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Check out the really poorly designed website (QUESTION: Is this an actual future product from Nokia, or is this some random pitch by a designer somewhere, who hopes that Nokia will see it and buy the idea?). The site shows lots of pictures of the phone, and contains marketing language describing the phone that reads like a tampon commercial:

A personal mobile communication device which lets you be free and fun. It is light, simple and carefree. You can change its form according to your needs during the day.

nokia4.jpgWhich might explain this totally random picture of a girl looking wistfully into the distance, thinking about how absorbent her flexy little phone is, no doubt.

OH MY…SPEAKING OF TAMPON COMMERCIAL…check out the video they made!!! Now the phone kind of reminds me of an EPT test, too.

(via Fashion Week Daily)

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Heidi Montag’s “Fashion”: An Elaborate Ploy For Free Clothes

heidi_bday.jpgIt’s evident that Heidi Montag‘s songwriting is inspired by her daily life (what great lyricist isn’t a sponge in that way?). Clearly, Heidi’s new song “Fashion” was inspired by a conversation she had with Spencer about clothes (because she doesn’t have any girlfriends, Heidi has to talk about such girly stuff with her only friend, Spencer).

Here’s how I imagine the conversation-turned-poetry going down (I highly recommend listening to the song while reading this):

HEIDI: HEIDI!

SPENCER: I know, your name is Heidi.

HEIDI: We love designer!!

SPENCER: Yes, yes we do.

HEIDI: I’m too fa-bu-lous.

SPENCER: For me? Ummm…well,

HEIDI: I’m so fierce, that it’s so nuts.

SPENCER: Okaaaay…Want to go get some dinner?

HEIDI: I live, to be model thin.

SPENCER: I’ll take that as a no.

HEIDI: Dress me, I’m your mannequin.

SPENCER: You’re my mannequin, yet you’re still talking. Shut up.

[They walk by a Barney's. Heidi starts pointing and screaming designer names in an unintelligible "French" accent.]

SPENCER: Baby, what did I tell you about buying clothes? We can’t afford it.

[Heidi looks at Spencer with sad pouty face.]

(Read the rest of this dramatic scene after the jump!)
Read more…

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6 Obscure Celebrities Who Deserve A Reality Show

293.bingham.tracy.042607.jpgOften times I awake in the middle of the night with a burning question: which totally obscure celebrities deserve their own reality show? Finally I can sleep through the night!!! FOX is producing a show called “Gimme My Reality Show!”, wherein D-listers compete for their own 4-episode reality show. Some of the contestants slated to participate include Santino “Best Tim Gunn Impression Ever” Rice and Traci “I’m Acquainted With The Hoff” Bingham.

Fox, if you’re still casting, might I suggest the following additional competitors?

image003.jpg ANDREW KOENIG

Known For: Playing “Boner” on Growing Pains

Name of Proposed Reality Show: Boner Pains

Why It Will Work:
It’s no secret that former child stars are PERFECT material for reality shows, especially the ones who played characters whose names were dick jokes.

14347__surbin_l.jpg SNOW URBIN

Known For: being the Siberian dancer eliminated in week 3 of So You Think You Can Dance, Season 1 (I said obscure, people, and I meant it.)

Name of Proposed Reality Show: My Life In The Sleepy’s Commercials

Why It Will Work: Because the world needs to know what happens after contestants get kicked off SYTYCD: they have to literally trust Sleepy’s for the rest of their lives. For income.

See the rest, after the jump!

Read more…

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This Is What My Nightmares Look Like

Perhaps you’ve seen this before, but this morning was the first time I saw it. I’m not sure if it’s the Tetris-y baroque music in the background, or the way Piglet says “Winnee Poo” with the icy conviction of a serial killer, or that, to me, the Russian language is just plain scary (I blame The Hunt For Red October) – but this is really creeping me out.

It’s like my nightmares: everything is familiar, but somehow DIFFERENT. I’m all cold sweaty!

(via BoingBoing)

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BWE FULL EPISODE: It Pairs Really Well With Poop Wine

It’s Best Week Ever, the television program! This week you’ll find an entire year of Broadway summarized in one minute, find out why Billy Ray Cyrus gets all his mottoes from Kris Kristofferson, and see Christian Finnegan conduct a totally straight-forward interview with Romany Malco. Yeah, I know, it’s awesome.

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There’s A Reason They Call Them The Un-Even Bars

womens gymnastics-lg.jpgThere are 45 days until I turn into a sobbing mess! That’s right, the Olympics are quickly approaching and I got my first taste of the drama last night with the U.S. Olympic Gymnastics Team trials. Oh, the glittery spandex! The sassy man announcer! The tiny girls with thighs that could kill an adult man! The triumph and beauty of these elite athletes, putting it on the line to fulfill a lifelong dream of competing in the Olympics!

And, then stuff like this happens:

Don’t feel too bad, though. The gymnast, Shayla Worley, despite a back injury and the above mishap, has been invited to the Olympics selection camp, where she still has a shot. GO SHAYLA! DON’T YOU LET NO FACE PLANT HOLD YOU DOWN!

p.s. Click here for a pretty hilariously old-school profile of Kristie Phillips from the 1988 Olympics, wherein her obese mom must enforce Kristie to stay on a tuna/celery/rice cake/egg diet to look “slim” for competition.

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Get A Life On eBay!

for_sale_sign.jpgSome dude in Australia is handling his problems the way we all wish we could if we had the kind of balls he did: he’s dropping everything and starting a new life somewhere else. But he’s not going with the old-fashioned “faking your death” method, he’s going with the fresh “selling my entire LIFE on eBay” method.

On his website, he explains, using quotes from the deep philosophical imagery set forth in “The Sunscreen Song” by Baz Luhrmann, that his marriage was destroyed “at about 11pm on a Wednesday evening by a shocking and awful discovery.”

Not sure what the “shocking and awful discovery” was…but I bet it has something to do with the moon.

Werewolf1_001.jpg

jenny-jones2.jpgAnd so now he’s selling it all. Literally. His house, motorcycle, jet ski, job, and his friends. First off, the job is as a rug assistant at a place called Jenny Jones Rugs. I was wondering what she was up to!

And his friends? Apparently they’re on board with this. My question is: do they realize what they’re getting themselves into? Let’s think about what sort of person spends $150,000 (and that’s just the current bid!) to buy themselves a new life as a rug assistant?

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This kind.

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Either An Alien Made This, Or The World’s Biggest Nerd Did

cropcircle.jpgAstrophysicists’ brains are melting this week because someone – or someTHING – made a crop circle in England so complex it has been officially named “the most mind-boggling” crop circle in the world.

The reason it’s so amazing is because it’s actually a code for every nerd’s favorite number:

“Starting at the centre and counting the number of one-tenth segments in each section contained by the change in radius clearly shows the values of the first 10 digits in the value of pi.”

DUH, you couldn’t tell that just by looking at it?

I think we should celebrate with this video, which is the most beautiful and moving tribute to crop circles I’ve ever seen. I DARE YOU NOT TO CRY DURING THIS!

Oh sweet crop circles, you’re just too mathematical for this cruel world.