Posts By VH1

Jan ??

Dear Diary, so I saw this bird and she looked wicked cool and I’m a straighttalkin gael, YOU know that, I’m like So let’s go get rubbish, you and me in the sand, I like a little salt on my rim I’m on vacation, and yourself? She’s like Oh no my boyfriend wouldn’t like that very much but I see in his eyes he will like it just fine. (pansy Blake: NEVER) She’s lookin at ‘im, you know? More the merrier, I tell them, life is short. Then she says Well you know I saw you last week in the water in your bath cap. (I don’t even HAVE a bath cap.) I say, what you gettin at? Boyfriend’s like, I saw you too, and I agree. Agree with WHAT???, I say. She says: “When you’re in you’re bath cap, I happened to observe you in profile and do you know you look EXACTLY like The Artist Formally Known As Prince?” (!!!!!!!) So I TRY to be delicate, because this is rude of her I thought, but maybe it’s starstruckery, I’m sympathetic, I’m like very polite I say “Right, so you wanna go clammin or not?” Because she is still right cute in spite of now obvious deficiencies. So she’s like “It’s like you’re the Same Person, beauty mark and everything, bone structure and your eyebrows and whatnot.” “TOtally,” he says, he is a bloody yankee buttock and he reaches out and GRABS MY CHIN and tries to sort of swivel me head around and push me hair back into Exhibit A this arselodger!!!! So I say, VERY calmlike but not without clarity: “THIRST OF ALL, HE CHANGED HIS NAME BACK TO PRINCE IN LIKE 1879, SO NOW HE’S FORMALLY KNOWN AS THE ARTIST FORMALLY KNOWN AS THE ARTIST FORMALLY KNOWN AS PRINCE WHICH HIS FORMAL NAME NOW AND EVERYBODY WHO KNOWS WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE KNOWS THAT SO OBVIOUSLY YOU TWO ARE A DOUBLE SHOT OF FUCKWITS WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!! but suddenly the quote-unquote Maitra Dee is there and he’s flappin and cluckin around us like King Tony hollerin for HELP!! HELP!!! but the help is all COWERING behind tables defendin their precious botox foreheads with cheese platters even though I am NOT throwing at them those tiny forks they give you for shrimp cocktails here, they come in these fancy wood boxes of twenty and the bartender—HORACE who I thought was my FRIEND—is tapping his sawed-off cue on my fifth-best Louboutins saying “Amy DOWN, Amy DOWN” then suddenly leaps back hiding his face behind his fake Popeye arms (NO tattoos) and the gael is sayin to everybody “Doesn’t she EXACTLY look like The Artist Formally Known As, she is so totally The Artist Formally Known As, they even SOUND alike” which as YOU can imagine, my dearest diary and One True Friend, was the exact last straw and I was like This Conversation Is A WRAP. I swam alone tonight, Dear Diary, I swam alone. (o my poor Blake, he can’t even SHOWER alone now!) POSSIBLE LYRIC: A TRILLION GRAINS OF SAND BUT JUST ONE ME ??? (bossa nova ska).

Triple X and the Big O,

Amy

Full disclosure: Our correspondent, known only as Horrible Child, has not been in St. Lucia recently. So we’re absolutely positive that he did not drink with Amy Winehouse in her hotel room all night and then leave with her personal diary in the morning. The above is what Horrible Child imagines Amy’s diary would contain. Stay tuned for further entries. [Photos: Splash News Online]

Jan ?

Dear Diary,
Can’t you please explain to these sods that when I said Blake was rubbish in bed which if you speak the bloody queens English you would KNOW is TRUE and is exactly what going to bed MEANS. I don’t sing in Japanese do I? Not on PURPOSE (is there a video of that?? ASK RAYE) Maybe it means somefin in Japanese but I’m a London girl wif a London, you know, SOUL which doesn’t rhyme with HOLE for nuffin, at least not in my experience which is very wide. I pity these gaels, you know, there’s a disconnect. Put down the microphone child!!! Rubbish is rubbish and I will stand by my man. NOTE: IDEA FOR SONG: MY SOUL IS ACHIN/MY HOLE IS QUAKIN/BUT MY MARRIAGE IS ONLY STIRRED—NOT SHAKIN. Bullocks that reminds me, is Quaalude Of Silence in production yet???? MEMO: CALL BACK. I right messed that one up but it’s like didn’t I tell them a billion times you can’t rush genius and you definitely don’t rush BOND. Why do you think he never says his name all at once? Come in Alicia, the song goes like this: VALIUM SHE GOT TOO MUCH VOLUME/AND LAUDANUM’S A LITTLE LOUD FOR ME/DEMIROL’S A NOISY POL/JUST GIVE ME MY QUAALUDE OF SILENCE … NOTE: CALL RAYE, maybe there’s still time for the Asian release!!! Too bad. Danny looks as rubbish as me in a speedo. Fuck THAT, for the NEXT one then, I’ll PRODUCE it. Winehouse– Amy Winehouse…Get my OWN bloody franchise. Then I can score it and star in it too and also cater. They want me in a movie, I’ll show em how to make a bloody movie. No Evian placement in MY flickers. Russell Crowe won’t be saying no to MY fat bum. (I bet HE’S right rubbish!) No water on the set, can you handle it, Russie? WATER IS THE ENEMY OF ART. which YOU understand, my dear dripped-on diary. Sorry about eating you last night, they drove me to it. Anyway you carry less punch than those napkins. Delicious, those! MEMO: next time must score BEFORE they hit the trash bins. Firsty, I am. Firsty firsty!!!! That’s right sleazbos I have ALL the appetites. You go to bed and like what do you expect wif a Norf London gael like me so obviously passionate as I am and a royal HUNK like that. The point being: You use a RUBBER then you RUB. I’m gonna marry a bloke who’s NOT rubbish???? Have you heard me sing, do I sing like a non-rubber? What do other people do, CLAP??? Did you LOOK at my Blake, do you KNOW what’s under his hat? Not that Josh is any less rubbish. Or what’s his name with the luggage cart, God I love Mexico! But ain’t NOBODY done make me feel all nice and DEAD like Blake does, THAT’S rare, THAT’S why I married him. LYRICAL IDEA: WHEN PEOPLE SAY I’M CHUBBY, I ASK MY RUBBY HUBBY, WHO TELLS ME DEAR DELICIOUS ETC. (Ballad) Fuckin right he makes me feel dead. You wanna talk, learn the fuckin language. WHERE did i stick my fuckin guitar? The night is young and so are I, so nighty night dear diary!

Hugs,
Amy

Full disclosure: Our correspondent, known only as Horrible Child, has not been in St. Lucia recently. So we’re absolutely positive that he did not drink with Amy Winehouse in her hotel room all night and then leave with her personal diary in the morning. The above is what Horrible Child imagines Amy’s diary would contain. Stay tuned for further entries. [Photos: Splash News Online]