Well, it’s about that time. This is my last day at Best Week Ever. I’ve had SUCH an amazing experience working here, and I’d like to thank Michelle, Dan and Noah for being the Best Team Ever and making me laugh to tears every single day. Granted, the tears were coming from a much darker place, but it was nice to laugh through them. Basically, the reason I’m leaving is that I’ve built up enough revenue as a part-time blogger to up and leave New York and embark on my own Eat, Pray, Love-eque journey. First, I’m moving to South Dakota where I’ll get my hang gliding instructor certification. Then, it’s off to rural Alberta where I’ll be working in the oil sands industry as a miner. After that, I’ll hitchhike to Alaska and sneak onto an industrial fishing boat and it’s Taiwan or bust! I hope to learn a lot about myself and find true love.
No, seriously, thank you to all the readers and commenters, you have been far nicer than need be. I’ve loved every day of working here and am very proud of the fact that I’ve only started two race wars (to my knowledge) and managed to write about Tim Curry on a fortnightly basis. I’ll be maintaining a Tumblr (fancy!!) called Walker’s Wheelhouse, if you want to stop by and check up on my travels*.
And with that, I’ll let Sarah McLachlan serenade me out. Picture me waving at the camera in slow motion.
*I’m not really traveling, but if someone out there thinks that’s a good book idea, I’m open to a million dollar advance. I actually just got another job. Bor-ing. Think of me always as being in Taiwan.
We all, all of us, everyone in the world, know that Emma Watson left Brown to concentrate on acting and modeling and making millions of dollars. You didn’t know that? Weird. Well, she claimed that she simply didn’t have enough time on her hands to fully devote herself to her studies. That makes sense…OR DOES IT??? According to The Daily Mail, Emma left Brown because she was being mercilessly bullied by her classmates.
The actress, who plays Hermione Granger in the franchise, would answer questions in class at Brown University only to find her fellow students would make wisecracks.
A source said: ‘[They] would respond with a quote from Harry Potter.
‘The most popular choice was “Three points for Gryffindor!”‘
Oh. My. God. In the world we live in, which contains horrific, legitimately terrible bullying, I would never tell someone to be better at bullying. But is it OK to tell someone to be less dorky at bullying? Harry Potter quotes? Really, Brown students? I also doubt that when the class nerd quotes Harry Potter, it affects Emma Watson in a way that actual bullying affects someone. I am sure that she’s sick of it. If anything, she left Brown because her classmates were annoying and they just couldn’t play it cool. Your bad, Brown students. You could have been hobnobbing with Daniel Radcliffe, or better yet, Rupert Grint. Grint! Instead, your future is bleak. Sure, you have an Ivy League diploma, but everything that lies before you remains Watson-less. Dorks.
First, who cares. People say “sh*t” all the time. The fact that I have to replace the “i” with an asterisk is pretty funny. I suppose a star is less offensive than the letter i? Or when you look at it you’re all like, “What am I reading? What is that word? What could sh*t possibly mean? What I know for sure is that it’s certainly not profane and children and my boss may look upon it freely without taking offense!” And you can say “sh*t” on a ton of TV now, South Park and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, for example. HOWEVER. When Dame Helen Mirren says it on a live morning show, it’s just so deliciously* naughty and deLIGHTful. You just want to cover your mouth with your lace cravat/handkerchief and titter away. Here it is:
Dear English Morning Show Hosts, NEVER apologize for anything Dame Helen Mirren does because everything she utters is perfect and you are LUCKY to sit next to her and her cute outfit and jewels.
*I hate when people use the word “delicious” to describe anything other than a food.
My friends in England alerted me to this website for the feminine product, Jam Sponge, which is a “natural sea sponge” that you can use instead of a tampon. And, although I am loathe to talk of lady products or lady moon cycles and what have you, because no one wants to talk about that, (Sorry, lady websites and my Women and Gender Studies Professor), this is pretty funny. Also gross. But also funny. The tagline for Jam Sponge (hahahaewwwwwhahaha) is, “Women have used sponges as tampons for years but a Jam Sponge has attitude!” INDEED! Here’s how much attitude Jam Sponge has, as taken from the FAQ’s on the website:
“How does a Jam Sponge work?”
You simply squash it into your vagina and it soaks up the blood.
Listen, I’m pro environment. I recycle when it’s convenient and I totally throw things in the trash as opposed to the street sometimes. But I draw the line at the Jam Sponge. In fact, I draw the line way before Jam Sponge. Jam Sponge is on the far side of the border of the line, you have to use the Hubble Space Telescope to see how far away from my line the Jam Sponge is. That doesn’t mean that I am not morbidly fascinated with the website. Fellas, this one is probably not for you. But ladiez, I think you’ll get a shudder-y LOL out of it.
P.S. The best part of this post is that I almost published it under Dan’s name.
Because who do I want for President? A BADASS who smashes bodega windows and steals beers! Did I say President? I meant boyfriend. A few weeks ago we posted a trailer of the short film called Fight For Your Right-Revisisted that the Beastie Boys made for their new album. Now, here is the video for their single, “Make Some Noise,” which also features Elijah Wood, Seth Rogen and Danny McBride as the Beastie Boys.
When McBride says “Tallyho” and then throws a garbage can through a bodega window, that’s when my heart goes aflutter and I just want election day to be NOW and pencil his name onto the presidential ballot. All the celebrity bells ‘n whistles aside (and I love celebrities AND bells ‘n whistles), this is a GREAT effing song. Beastie Boys for Vice Presidents!
You know how I
always sometimes write about things that are more self-indulgent than not? Like my Brendan Fraser updates? We’ve decided to cleverly group these items into a segment called Walker’s Wheelhouse. It’s self-serving, assumes that you care about what’s in my wheelhouse and that you know what a wheelhouse is. But it also herds these ideas together into one palatable whole, so you can chose to get in my wheelhouse or stay out of my wheelhouse. Whatever floats your wheelhouse.
This winter/spring I’ve been a veritable traveling machine. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that if I added the word “time” to the front of “traveling,” you’d be a lot more impressed. I would be too. You also might be thinking that “traveling machine” is not a term best suited for humans, it’s like what someone from the far past would call a car or a plane if they had traveled forward through time and saw one for the first ti-OMG, busted. I am a time traveler/part-time blogger. But you know what? Despite all of that, I still don’t actually know what you’re thinking, because I’m not a mind reader. Yet. But here you are, in my wheelhouse, and you can’t leave now. Aaaaaaanyway. I’ve gone to Palm Beach, Austin, Seattle and Portland recently. Also Coachella, where I didn’t take any pictures because I was too busy drinking NINE DOLLAR LIGHT BEERS. In lieu of photos, here is Coachella in a nutshell: heat, feathers, fringes, hot pants, swarm of bees that I thought were flies but were actually bees and I’m glad that I didn’t know were bees until I had walked straight through them and someone told me I had walked through a swarm of bees because that way the bees didn’t sense my fear because I had no fear so they did not attack but WOW that was crazy in retrospect. Also, Kanye. So good.
First up, in Seattle, I ate a pie that loved politics, cocaine and prostitutes:
I also was bummed that I left before I could see ALL of these bands.
Tim Curry, everyone’s favorite actor, butler and transvestite, turns 65 years young today. I’d like to offer up my thanks to the man who was the star of my favorite film, Clue, and played The Devil in my not favorite film, Legend. And then of course there’s The Rocky Horror Picture Show, where he plays a sexy scary transvestite, as opposed to his sexy scary clown in IT. Just kidding, the clown isn’t that scary. Now let’s all watch a montage of great moments from Clue. It’s literally the best thing you could do on a Tuesday.
“And monkey’s brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.Cl.!”
Dear Tim Curry, just so you know, birthday cake and you are my favorite things. Also napping. So, if you would like to eat birthday cake today and then take a nap with me, you would make my life. Sometimes it’s nice to give back on your birthday.
This is Mel. She was studying abroad in New Zealand and her friends discovered that she is really good at making animal noises, so they taped her. She’s so good, I want to invite her to every party, ever. Check it out:
In addition to coming to all of my parties, I wonder if she would join me in my gang? As we commit heists across the zoos of America? She would either be the foil to distract the zookeepers as we break into their vaults, or she could talk to the animals, who would in turn help up us break into the zoo vaults. Zoo vaults hold up to $60 million on a fight night. Fact.
Wait. This might be my only opportunity to make a “The Doctor Doolittle Is A Woman!” joke.
Well, that’s done. Guess I can cross that off the bucket list.
Thanks, Daily What!
In his over-zealous attempt to save the day in a badass manner, this Turkish police officer becomes a comic genius:
This is the perfect video. In length, conceit, realism. Everything. I love you, video.
Also, it reminds me of one of the best The Far Side cartoons ever:
Wooooooooooops! But, it’s sort of optimistic? Like, it suggests that maaaaaybe life isn’t over? But then if we were to go further with that notion, your loved one is now a zombie that must die (again). So, yeah.