Posts By walkersa

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This Jelly Bean Doesn’t NOT Look Like Kate Middleton

The Telegraph reports that someone in the UK was eating jelly beans, as you do, and found this mango jelly bean that bears no a STRIKING resemblance to Kate Middleton. It’s a nice twist on other food stuffs-based sightings. You know, your Mother Teresa’s on cinnamon buns and your Virgin Mary’s on grilled cheeses and what have yous. Now they want to sell the bean on Ebay for £500. Good hustle, guys.

Not bad. Not good. I mean, it’s no Gummy Venus de Milo:

I’d pay good money for that.

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An Open Letter To Reese Witherspoon Re: Her Recent Comments About Making Out With Robert Pattinson

Pieces 'n Patz

Dear Reese,

Did you ever have the nickname “Pieces” in school? As in Reese’s Pieces? I wonder if that was cool or annoying? Do people send you Reese’s Pieces? What’s your address? Sorry, that’s not the reason I’m writing. FIrst, congrats. I hear you recently got married. I saw a photo of you at your wedding on the cover of some magazine at Rite Aide and you looked really beautiful and happy and that lent some light to an otherwise terrible trip to Rite Aide. That’s also not the reason I’m writing. I’m writing because you recently said, in reference to your love scene with Robert Pattinson in your upcoming film, Water for Elephants:

“Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I’ve ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing…I’m talking green, infectious, disgusting – I’m not kidding! I’m going to say it’s a little bit of a downer…I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t sexy.”

Listen, Pieces. I do not dispute the authenticity of this story. I’m sure he had a cold. But here’s the thing. The one thing worse than bragging about an amazing experience is saying that a clearly amazing experience was bad. Because it is so transparently a lie. It is an objective lie that making out with Pattinson was disgusting. Sure, he had a runny nose, that makes no difference. You know who you’re reminding me of? The girl who studied really hard for the test, pretended like she didn’t, and told everyone she totally failed and then she gets an A plus. You know that girl? That girl is so annoying! Sure, she’s your friend, but you just want to be like, “Dude, just say that you aced the test because you know you did!” In conclusion, RPieces, just say, “Making out with RPatz was just as awesome as you think it would be, which is to say really really awesome.” The end.

Sincerely,

Sarah

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Conspiracy Theory: China Bans Time Travel Movies Specifically Because of Bill And Ted’s 3

Right on the heels of the announcement that Bill and Ted’s 3 is actually going to happen, China has announced that they will ban all production of time travel movies. These two events are seemingly unrelated. Or are they??? Said Chinese authorities:

“The time-travel drama is becoming a hot theme for TV and films, but its content and the exaggerated performance style are questionable. Many stories are totally made-up and are made to strain for an effect of novelty. The producers and writers are treating the serious history in a frivolous way, which should by no means be encouraged anymore.”

How convenient! I think the real issue is that China is obsessed with Sad Keanu and they want him to be even sadder by denying billions of people seeing B&T3, his triumphant comeback. They also must have a personal vendetta against Alex Winter. What that would be I haven’t quite figured out yet. But I will. Oh, I will-OMG. I might have found the actual reason why. It might be because of this episode of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventures cartoon series. This is the description of the episode entitled, “One Sweet and Sour Chinese Adventure to Go” (eeeegs):

Bill and Ted accidentally break Missy’s… I mean, Mrs. Preston’s Antique Chinese vase and must go on a most superdacious adventure back to Antique China to get her a new one before she returns home.

And this is a still from it:

Fair enough, China. Fair enough.

NY Mag

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Ironic Short Videos Will Definitely Get To The Child Sex Traffickers

Far be it from me to criticize anyone from doing good in this world. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore want to stop child sex trafficking? YES PLEASE. “Please do not try to stop child sex trafficking”-No one/Child Sex Traffickers. However. These (funny?) videos will surely not affect someone who has already went on and purchased a child prostitute (awful awful awful) or future child sex traffickers. PLEASE PROVE ME WRONG, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore! Here is one of the videos, starring Bradley Cooper.

The way that this, and the rest of the videos, are done, with cheeky/ironic music and handsome male celebrities doing menial tasks terribly, implies that real men are bad at comically easy things, but good at not buying child sex? Not to nitpick, but I bet child sex traffickers aren’t so good at making meals or doing laundry or shaving either. Or maybe they are! I wouldn’t know, because there is no connection between the two! Maybe nothing is sacred in comedy, but these aren’t comedy shorts being edgy with a theme of child sex trafficking, these are child sex trafficking PSA’s trying to be funny. You see how it doesn’t work both ways? Also, maybe it’s not the best forum for Eva Longoria to do sexy voice.

Acutally, this Youtube comment probably says it best:

“I know these are aimed at a younger generation, but I’m 19 and just don’t get them…”

Exactly.

ONTD

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Shocker: Fans Of Coldplay And Kings Of Leon Are Prudes

Want to have sex? No? Cool, us neither.

And by “shocker,” I of course mean “obviously.” NME reports that the music-based dating website Tastebuds.fm asks people how far they’d go on a first date and then matches those answers to their taste in music. The people least likely to sleep together on a first date were fans of Coldplay and those most likely to bone make meaningful love were fans of Nirvana. Thus, we confirm the age old notion that Coldplay is super lame and Nirvana is, like, so cool. Here are the five least promiscuous music tastes and the five most, presented with the reasons why I think they are on the list:

Least Likely to “go all the way”

1. Coldplay (duh)
2. Adele (because her fans are too mature/old for one night stands)
3. Lady Gaga (because her fans are too young)
4. Katy Perry (because her fans have no genitals)
5. Kings Of Leon (because it’s hard, nay, impossible, to have sex when it’s on fire)

Most Likely

1. Nirvana (because they pretend that they’re sleeping with Kurt Cobain)
2. Metallica (because they are black out wasted)
3. Linkin Park (because they really want to lose their viriginity)
4. Kanye West (because they love douchebags and a**holes)
5. Gorillaz (because Damon Albarn’s voice is the sexiest sexy times sex voice)

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Nailed It: Best Royal Wedding Souvenir Ever

I am being totally serious when I say that I need these on my nails YESTERDAY. They are even better than the Royal Wedding condoms! (Side note: what if one of those condoms broke? Would you be obligated to name your kid Kate or Will?)

If you are getting married soon, I recommend having these decals as part of your gift to your guests (Of your own faces, though I doubt anyone would be opposed to having Kate and Will’s faces instead). Eff personalized M &M’s.

Thanks to Luanne Rice, author of the new book The Silver Boat, for alerting me to this genius.

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Trailer Mix: The Beastie Boys Short Film, Starring Everyone Who Is Funny

What do you do when you’re one of the longest lasting and most respected hip hop acts in the world? You make a thirty minute video starring all of your famous comedy friends in conjunction with the release of your eighth album, that’s what you do. Here is the trailer for Fight For Your Right-Revisited by The Beastie Boys:

It looks great, though I’m not completely clear on the plot points on this one. I’m thinking there’s some sort of Bill and Ted-esque time travel involved? No Circle K though. There’s also a nice little Will Ferrell cowbell moment for all you Urban Outfitters ironic t shirt enthusiasts out there. Also, not gonna lie, Elijah Wood looks sort of badass rapping. Sorry, I just blacked out, what did I just say? Finally, Danny McBride, TEXT ME. Let us marry.

ONTD

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Watch The Hilarious Web Series Tiny Apartment Featuring Robert Loggia And The Best Christian Bale Impression Ever

Jessie Cantrell, Mike O’Gorman and Patrick Driscoll have, for my money (I have so much money), the funniest web series around, called TIny Apartment. This is the latest episode and, in addition to Mike’s spot on impressions of Sir Alec Guinness and Christian Bale, it features everyone’s favorite screen acting legend, Robert Loggia.

“Use the forks, Lukes!”

Also, I think Loggia should read every book ever and put them all on audio cassette (tapes are coming back in a major way, didn’t you know?). I would buy them all and never listen to my Sounds of the Ocean again because they would be so soothing.

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GOAL: Watch A Show Pony Penalty Kick

If you play soccer or watch soccer, where do the cute boys go to watch FIFA in NYC? Just tell me. For a friend. Also, if you play soccer or watch soccer, you know that a penalty kick is not so much a difficult shot as it is a mind game. If you think about it too hard, you’ll most likely screw it up. If you try to be too clever in tricking the goalie, you’ll probably hit the bar and then want to die and in some countries you actually might die. Usually, if you don’t think and keep to your technique, you’ll score. And, if your technique happens to be doing a back flip in the same motion as you kick the ball, so be it. Whatever works:

But, I mean, what a show pony.

Huff Po