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by (@katespencer)

Somewhere In A Castle, Angelina Jolie Is Laughing

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Oh Jen. We know what you were thinking: “I’ll show how cute and carefree I am by making goofy faces at the camera while I’m wrapped here in this $2000 cashmere sweater. I’m a genius! Now someone get me a SmartWater.” But ooof, girlfriend, you just loaded up Angelina‘s evil cannon with some photographic fodder she can now blow back in your face.

Apparently these pics are outtakes from a Harper’s Bazaar shoot. Now, we make the above face in just about every photo we’re in. (Our wedding album is a goldmine of fugliness, guys. It hurts.) But we’re not paid gajillions to make mediocre romantic comedies. After all,  it’s Jen’s sole job to look good. It’s not like she’s out saving the world with the United Nations or running around after 6 beautiful and gifted children, now is she?

Oh jeez, did we just say that? Looks like Angelina  wasn’t kidding when she said she’d find a way to plant herself in our brain and alter our thoughts and words.

[Photo: ONTD]

by (@unclegrambo)

Black Swan Trailer Is Getting People Excited (But Not Necessarily For The Same Reasons)

There are two main — and wildly divergent — groups of people that are excited to see Black Swan, the latest film from renowned director Darren Aronofsky:

1) Cinephiles: The Darren Aronofsky brand is remarkably strong in film geek circles. He built his reputation helming the low budget indie films Pi and Requiem For A Dream, both of which were notable for their their searing intensity and visual flair. After experiencing a minor critical and commercial setback with The Fountain, his 2008 film, The Wrestler, established Aronofsky not only as a commercially viable director, but also won him universal acclaim from the acting community for providing Mickey Rourke with a comeback vehicle. So, based on these past successes, there are quite a few people looking forward to see what Aronofsky can do with the thriller genre.

2) People Anxious To See Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis Get It On: So what if you don’t know what the term mise en scene means! Ever since word first broke last year that Portman and Kunis have, and we quote, “ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex” in Black Swan, many a red-blooded American cleared the date December 1, 2010 on their calendars. We certainly did!

Are you anxious to see Black Swan? And if so, which group do you fall in? (Don’t worry, we won’t tell!)

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by (@missmuttoo)

Clash Of The Worlds Biggest Idiots: Michael Lohan To Sue Rachel Uchitel

So this whole six degrees of separation theory doesn’t apply for all of humanity. Because apparently, between slime balls, there’s only one degree. Case in point: Michael Lohan and Rachel Uchitel. And in true slime ball form, he’s thinking about suing her.

Michael supposedly helped Yuckitel with getting her fame whore on, including her upcoming stint on Celebrity Rehab. Who the hell would trust their “career” with Michael Lohan? She should be sued just for that alone. But to be fair, Rachel isn’t exactly known for her brains. Soooo, Papa Lohan introduced the man-eating Tiger to David Weintraub. Now this dude is supposed to be some sort of talent manager, but we seriously doubt that because he agreed to accept Rachel as a client. Scratch “talent” right off his business card.

He’s the one who got Uchitel on Celeb Rehab where she’s allegedly raking in $500,000. Now this is when it gets mangled: Michael gets a commission off the clients he gets Weintraub, who was supposed to get a 20 percent commission off of Uchitel, which he would have then shared with Lohan. But now Rachel’s apparently played both of them. Lohan said she made a payment installment of $60,000 but refused to pay anymore and gave the rest of the money to charity. And by “charity” she probably means “shoes.” To add insult to injury, she want’s the original payment back. We have no idea why, but this is Michael Lohan’s story.

No money for Weintraub means no money for Lohan. And the statements coming from both Uchitel and Weintraub seem to be telling Lohan to make like the crazy banana he is and split. Rachel’s lawyer, Gloria Allred‘s statement basically translates to “F*ck off” reading, “Rachel has no agreement either in writing or otherwise with Michael Lohan. She is mystified as to why he believes he has any legal claim. She will not dignify his comments about her with any additional response. She has no further comment on this matter.”

Lohan’s giving her a week to pay up, else it’s off to courts. Please God, let this happen.

by (@missmuttoo)

DJ AM’S Legacy Brings Music To Troubled Teens

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With so much whack stuff going on with celebrities, it’s nice to hear something quiet and heartfelt once in awhile. When DJ AM died last year the news came as quite an unexpected shock. But there’s a lot of good happening in his memory. An organisation called the DJ AM Memorial Fund was created after he passed, and it helps troubled teens who are dealing with addiction. AM aka Adam Goldstein dealt with addiction, mainly to crack, through his life. He had cleaned up, but unfortunately went back to the drugs after dealing with the stress of the plane crash he and Travis Barker were in. He died because of an accidental OD.

So it turns out that his memorial group aren’t just donating money to help these kids, they’re helping bring music into their lives. The centre is donating heaps of music and DJ’ing equipment to LA’s Phoenix House Academy in AM’s name. They’re giving them a cash donations, but also everything from turntables to laptops, so addicts can find a healthy avenue to channel their talents. We think AM would thoroughly approve, as do we.

[Photo: Getty Images]

by (@missmuttoo)

Heidi And Spencer’s Divorce, More Gimmicks

We’re not going to get rid of them that quickly. Consider this, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have, for better or worse, clawed their way onto the radar. They’re at the bottom of the pit admittedly, but there they are in all their weird crystal loving-body dysmorphic-fame whoring glory. Therefore, when Heidi and Spencer announced their divorce, we celebrated the Speidi cheeseball PDA trainwreck (Photos) with a begrudging respect.

But the most epic romance of all time (barf) must have a befitting end. Keeping with their love of melodrama, Heidi announced the divorce on their first anniversary (they actually lasted that long). Now, apparently, the divorce official date has been set for … Valentines Day, 2011. Yes, the the day of love marks the demise of the most solid marriage that was ever documented on television.

Which also leaves plenty of time for a staged reconciliation. And another book. And another TV show. Because they’re like roaches. They won’t go away.

by (@hallekiefer)

Gaga’s Producer Promises To “Shock” Us, Setting The Bar Crazy-High

Pardon the drool all over this post, but any news we can get about Lady Gaga’s next album makes us swoon face-first onto the keyboard. According to Gaga’s producer, the next generation of Lady G isn’t going to be just great; it’s going to blow our mind socks off. “It’s going to be shocking, shocking, shocking,” raves producer RedOne about the upcoming album.

We love that the one thing Gaga’s producer is excited about is how scandalized we’ll all be by it. Not that it’s good. Not that it’s well-made. Just that it’s going to leave us sitting in front of the stereo with our mouths open and eyebrows burned off. These two sound like a match made in cigarette-goggle heaven.

Continues RedOne, “We still want to give them something with a kick, something that makes them say, ‘Oh my God! We didn’t expect this!’” Squee! But given the eye-brow raisers Gaga has delivered unto us in the past, what could she do next that we wouldn’t expect? A woman who has already bled from her stomach at the VMAs, greeted the Queen in a latex dress and donned an exposed monster spinal cord really needs to work in order to up the ante. So just in case these two are on the lookout for fresh ideas, we have a few suggestions for how Gaga can take it to the next insane level:

  • Coinciding with the album’s release, Gaga pulls a 180 and refuses to wear anything but body-concealing bottoms: mom jeans, peasant skirts, huge billowing harem pants that conceal a grand piano and JNCOs.
  • Gaga cheats on Kermit with every member of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. At the same time.
  • Has anyone done anything with Sasquatch yet? Okay, so, music video with Sasquatch. No, sorry, we meant sex tape with Sasquatch.
  • Gaga dyes her platinum hair back to brown. Actually, no, scratch that. We don’t think we could handle a change that huge.

by

Save Justin Bieber Wednesdays: Ne-Yo And Johnny Weir Edition

(Save Justin Bieber Wednesdays is our weekly dose of advice meant to help the baby-faced singer avoid the pitfalls of arriving at fame as a teenager.)

It’s a double-header today! Ne-Yo and Johnny Weir have both done The Biebs a solid. We grouped them together because their advice is short, sweet and similar — with one big exception. One of these celebs believes that wearing leather pants could lead to Justin Bieber’s downfall!

by (@hallekiefer)

Taylor Momsen Vs. Rihanna: The Gauntlet Has Been Thrown

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Taylor Momsen seriously has a death wish, or at least a slapped-upside-the-head wish. In her new interview with SPIN magazine, Taylor once again suffers a severe attack of verbal diarrhea, this time expounding on her weirdly antagonistic feelings toward Rihanna. Thoughts like, “People think pop is rock, and the lines are getting blurred. Now Rihanna’s wearing f*ckin’ leather jackets, and it’s really annoying.” OMG, Taylor.

First of all, we forgot Momsen owns the patent on leather jackets. Glad we cleared that up. Second of all, girl-child please. Taylor is clearly forgetting the most cardinal rule of trash talk etiquette. You do not rip on a woman with a neck tattoo. Period. There is nothing more rock than a neck tat, end of story. And if said woman’s tattoo may or may not be misspelled? Look, we’ve all seen Rihanna dance on a tank; you think she wouldn’t drive that thing into the side of your house?

17-year-old Momsen also held hold court on her particular brand of fashion, describing her signature ripped-fishnets-and bleachy-blonde mop look as “high-class hooker,” undoubtedly drawing the ire of actual high-class hookers the world over. “I dress for myself,” Taylor said. “Clearly, it’s provocative, but it makes me feel good. And if the only reason it makes someone uncomfortable is because I’m 17, then that person’s a scumbag because it shouldn’t matter.”

You heard it here first, folks. Only scumbags feel skeeved out by Taylor’s constantly-visible underwear and towering Frankenstein heels. Now if you’ll excuse us, there’s a National Scumbags of America meeting we are guest-speaking at tonight, and we don’t want to get caught in traffic. [Photo: Getty Images/Splash News Online]

by (@hallekiefer)

Kristen Bell To Play Youngest MILF In The World

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In the latest example of Hollywood’s total disassociation from reality, Kristen Bell has just been cast as the young mom of a precocious ballet dancer…who happens to be twelve years old. The 30-year-old Veronica Mars star will reportedly appear in the upcoming black comedy Dance of the Mirlitons as a ruthless stage mom. Meanwhile sources say filmmakers are currently in the midst of a “nationwide casting search for a young actress to play a precocious 10 to 12 year old.” So, Bell’s daughter would be at least a third of her age. What is this, a Lifetime movie?

Gushes producer Daniel Dubiecki, “Kristen’s combination of comedic timing and authenticity will bring this character to the next level, and give this crossover appeal.” We couldn’t agree more with that; this role sounds like one Bell can actually sink her teeth into (No offense, When In Rome). What we can’t really picture, however, is  how they’re going to explain the fact Bell must have given birth in A.P. chemistry class to have a kid that age.

Now, we’re all used to actresses barely over 35 playing Mother to teenage children (Amy Poehler‘s fun mom in Mean Girls, anyone?), but it still icks us out to see one so young we practically need file a police report for even thinking about when her kid was conceived. Besides, even if we forget about Kristen’s age, there is still her cherubic face, which makes her look much younger than many actresses her age. You cast Lindsay Lohan as the grandpa in “Little Miss Sunshine,” no one would have batted an eye. But Kristen Bell as mama to a tween? She barely looks old enough to drive! We’re already looking forward to Dance of the Mirlitons 2, featuring Miley Cyrus as the proud, self-sufficient single mother of Dakota Fanning. Wait…if we closed our eyes and only listened to them talking, that might actually work…. [Photo: Getty Images]