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by (@katespencer)

Kristen Stewart And Robert Pattinson Could Learn Something Here

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Awww, look how adorable Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan are, kissing it up on the streets of New York! They’re so in love and so hipster-y and so…public. Surely they could teach a thing or two about dating to the obsessively private Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, whose relationship is the worst kept secret in Hollywood. Seems the more those two try to hide it, the more attention they get! And yet, here is an Oscar-nominee and her scandalous, addiction-prone boyfriend butt-grabbing each other, and no one cares. Watch and learn, Edward and Bella!

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[Photo: Splash News Online]

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“Dancing with the Stars” Hits Its C-List Reality Star Stride (and Buzz Aldrin)

Another year, another season of Dancing with the Stars, everyone’s favorite reality dance competition featuring America’s most detested and sometimes beloved C-List celebrities, and hosted by our favorite AFV host of all time, Tom Bergeron. Below, we give you the list of those scheduled to appear on DWTS, as well as our handy and highly accurate odds of who is most likely to win. Place your bets foot forward…

Kate Gosselin, America’s Most Unwelcome Vagina House of Dramacakes: Another blond victim, albeit of a more sinister variety. Kate Gosselin has really hit the publicity jackpot with landing herself on the show, and we can already see her scripted romance with her dancing partner coming to life in the tabloid pages. Either that, or her and Niecy are gonna throw down (more likely. Also Niecy would kill her.) Odds of Winning: 25/1

Evan Lysacek, Gold Medalist, Figure Skater: Well that didn’t take long, did it? Evan just wrapped up the gold medal at the Vancouver Olympics and is not taking himself and his fabulous Vera Wang designed wardrobe all the way to his hometown of Los Angeles, where he will attempt triple toe loops galore sans the use of his trusty skates. We sincerely hope Plushenko has been cast on his home country’s hit show “Танцы со звездами,” And the fact that Johnny Weir was not cast alongside him should be filed under “national travesty.” Odds of Winning: 1/1

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Pour Out A Travel Sized Bottle Of Vodka For Captain Sully Today

America’s hero pilot Captain Sully Sullenberger announced he is retiring from conquering the skies today. I, for one, teared up a bit upon hearing this news. I spent the last four months playing a game I made up called “Sully Roulette” where I would fly a random U.S. Airways flight in hopes I would have the legendary pilot in the cockpit. It never worked out for me, and now I’m like $68,000 in the hole. I did, however, rack up enough frequent flyer points to buy this bookcase in the shape of King Tut’s sarcophagus from Sky Mall.

So what will Sully do next? Let’s hope his first move isn’t Dancing With The Stars like fellow American hero Buzz Aldrin. He should just star in the movie version of his book Highest Duty. I already designed the poster for it, as you’ll see on the right. Most likely, though, he will just sit back, sip some ice cold lemonade, and have some afternoon “rockstar sex” with the Mrs. He’s earned it.

Sully, we’re sad to see you go. I’m guessing there are some geese in the NY metro area high-fiving today. Forget them. Godspeed, captain.

by (@katespencer)

Kim Kardashian Is Just Like Us! Only…Hot

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What’s worse: that Kim Kardashian is grounded enough to pick up her own dry cleaning, or that she looks so god damn good while doing so? Grumble. Yes, we’re jealous of just about everything going on in this picture: her perfect hair, the cute, cropped jacket; but mostly the fact that she has time to go get her dry cleaning and a manicure in one day, all while not wearing a sweat suit from 1995. Put on some sunglasses, ‘cuz you’re about to be blinded by our bitter envy.

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[Photo: Splash News Online]

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Upside of Jessica Simpson’s “Sexual Napalm”: Lots Of Dates

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We assumed that, given the very dirty details John Mayer revealed about Jessica Simpson she would be angry. (You remember, it went something like “Sexually, it was crazy. It was like. . .sexual napalm.”) We figured she, being a wholesome girl who saved herself for Nick Lachey all those years ago, would lash out, maybe deliver some kind of public reprimand and come out a sympathetic winner in this whole mess. Turns out, a reprimand isn’t necessary, Jessica is getting her revenge another way.

In her interview with Oprah Winfrey, set to air today, Simpson explained that she was definitely upset by Mayer’s comments saying “I’m a little bit angry. I guess I could have been a lot worse.” (Uh, how much worse?) However, Simpson is actually reaping some benefits from what was said about her too, telling Opes that as far as her dating life is concerned “My phone is ringing off the hook, I have to say.” Funny, we were pitying her this whole time and never even considered the up side. Work that napalm, Jess! [Photo: Getty Images]

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Sexpot Megan Fox Hasn’t Sexed That Many Guys

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The new issue of UK Harper’s Bazaar gives further explanation for Megan Fox‘s disconcerting lack of self-esteem—50% of her sexual experience comes from Brian Austin Green. “I’ve only been with two men my entire life. My childhood sweetheart and Brian. I can never have sex with someone that I don’t love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.” We don’t meant to suggest there’s anything wrong with being selective, but considering Brian’s tendency to avoid public displays of affection and her “childhood sweetheart” airing her dirty laundry, it sounds like she might benefit from letting a third guy into her romantic life. One that’s happy to be seen in public with Megan’s toe thumbs (grateful, even!).

Not that a new man is likely, considering her affection for the BAG man’s son Kassius,  “I am a stepmother to the fullest extent. I have looked after Kassius since he was three and he has no memory of life without me. For some reason, no-one wants to look at me that way, but I am responsible (for him) and I’ve never struggled with that.” Awww…we really hope Brian’s tries harder to remind her how precious she is. Check out the mega-gallery below and dream of being number three. Be, be, be my love….oooh-wa…

[Photo: Harper's Bazaar]

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Simon Cowell Acknowledges His Poor Treatment Of Aspiring Singers

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Simon Cowell is the reason people watch American Idol and Britain’s Got Talent, his biting criticisms are part of the fun. Cowell realizes though, that sometimes his honesty borders on mean and has started to regret some of his harsher words. In an interview airing with the show Piers Morgan’s Life Stories on Britain’s ITV1 next week, he  explains “There’s many, many times where I’ve watched the show back and I’m absolutely appalled. You do the show, you’re not aware of what’s happening in the room outside. You know, somebody just said ‘My dog Lassie died yesterday’, I’m in a bad mood and, you know, awful, and you see it in that context, it’s very, very difficult to watch.” Maybe it’s true, what people are saying about how his current girlfriend/fianceé/life partner Mezhgan Hussainy turning him into a big softy after all.

And let’s hope he remembers to tone it down next time our beloved Todrick Hall takes the stage on  this season of Idol. Our love for him is irrational, sure, but that kid can’t  seem to catch a break from Cowell and Co. [Photo: Getty Images]

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FABlife’s DVD Pick Of The Week

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The story might sound familiar. A goldfish falls in love with a human boy and is determined to live with him on land. This Japanese ‘toon is much more than a Little Mermaid retread, though. Its reservoirs of emotion seem like a force of nature, while Ponyo and Sosuke’s relationship plays out against a tsunami that devastates the boy’s seaside town. Adults will enjoy the story’s surreal touches and environmental message. With its adorable characters, stunning animation and catchy theme tune, it’s very much for kids, too. It might seem like they don’t make them like this anymore, but they do. Matt Damon and Tina Fey are among the voices. Be sure to seek out director Hiyao Miyazaki‘s other masterpieces My Friend Totoro, Castle in the Sky and Kiki’s Delivery Service, reissued this week by Disney.

Extras: Disney’s Blu-Ray combo includes an interactive visit to Japan’s cutting-edge Studio Ghibli, whose run of films inspired Pixar. There’s also a storyboard presentation and producer introduction.

- By C. Bottomley

Check out our exclusive DVD bonus clip above!

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Worst Photo-Op Ever: Bachelor Edition

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Sure, they look like they’re having fun and are in love, we guess, but The Bachelor‘s newly engaged stars, Jake Pavelka and fianceé Vienna Girardi haven’t yet mastered the candid paparazzi photo. Here, Jake manages to look like he’s carrying Vienna to her wheelchair and slooowly loses his grip on her. (We completely understand how horrible that makes us sound, but LOOK at this picture and tell us you don’t see it too.) Practice for when they grow old together, we guess! [Photo: Splash News Online]