It’s not that all that much happened on last night’s The Real Housewives of New York. In fact, the ladies didn’t really do anything. And even with Jill Zarin and Luann de Lesseps back in New York while the remaining ladies vacationed on the Virgin Islands, something was in the air last night that proceeded to give America the Superbowl of all Real Housewife episodes.
Ramona Singer’s whirlwind vacation kept delivering, as their yacht pulled up on a staggering mansion that was truly something out of an 80s wealthy divorce comedy. Alex McCord and Sonja Morgan remained their funny selves, while Bethenny Frankel was busy filming her hospitality college video application. There were Skinny Girl totes and beautifully prepared steak dinners.
But all the while, lurking in the shadows, was Kelly Bensimmon. She’s been feverpuking for weeks following nightmares of Bethenny murdering her with a butter knife. (More satisfying cause it’s slower.) At the dinner, Kelly — not a genius, by any means — proceeded to flip her skull open, remove her brain, and flambe it for all of America to witness. It was a nervous breakdown squared shouldered. It was one of the best things I’ve ever seen on TV.
Your tireless recapper and also my mother Judy Collins was basically foaming at the mouth last night with anger, though she swears she still hates Jill more. We bring you her recap, slightly uninterrupted:
Kelly Bensimmon, Post-Tote-Bags, Pre-Dinner-Party-Breakdown
I have to tell you. There is no… (loud sigh) oh boy — OK, first of all, that place they’re at is literally drop dead gorgeous. Something really special. But that Kelly. Just like Alex said before, she cannot be in a room of people. She hates this one, she hates that one… She’s the one with the venom against Bethenny. And it’s relentless! She’s like sick or something.
Cook vs. Chef: The Final Cookdown
First of all, who gives a sh*t if she’s a cook or a chef. “You’re a chef, you’re a cook!” You’re supposed to be an intelligent girl. This is what you’re talking about? And it’s not like one week she slipped. Like one week she’s stupid. It’s every week! She says “Look at me! How smart I am!” You’re a f*ckin idiot!
And then calling Jill, the backless slug (Ed. Note: A thing, apparently), and now Jill is contemplating visiting her? I mean, really, what the hell is this?