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A Guide to Understanding Heidi Montag’s Many Facial Expressions

We love Heidi Montag. Mainy because she gives us headlines such as these:

But moreso because Ms. Montag has taken it upon herself to rip her human born face off and replace it with the prop face from the movie S1M0NE. She has had such a complete transformation, that it actually has become quite difficult to tell how Heidi is feeling based on her facial expressions alone.

But we are nothing if not sticklers for science and psychology and animated GIFs. So, we put resident facial analysis expert Lauren Deiman up to the task of figuring out what emotions Heidi Montag’s facial expressions convey. We bring you our findings below, along with a bonus GIF.

Face #1

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Heidi Montag’s Psychic Advisor Just As Crazy As We Hoped

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So what exactly is the deal with Aiden Chase, the psychic that Heidi Montag hired as her manager? Judging from the interview he gave with Movieline, he’s either a completely delusional hack, or a magical and mystical version of Entourage’s Ari Gold. Either way you slice it, he’s SO L.A.

We recommend reading the entire bizarro interview, but we pulled one part that made our heads just about explode, where Chase details the random “interactions” he has with dead celebrities who are all, coincidentally rooting for Heidi.  He says “Sometimes though, I’ll get someone like Gene Kelly or [legendary NBC executive] Brandon Tartikoff coming through. You work with a lot of celebrities, producers, directors and actors and guides in spirit really like to assist and sometimes have really great information for people that is based in love and support — it’s like a little whisper in the ear.” Getting more specific, he says “What Gene Kelly does is, he’s a really great support system. He’s like a cheerleader. He’s usually like, ‘You’re doing great!’ and ‘Have you considered this detail and this detail?’ That’s really what it’s about but nothing specific that I can tell you.” Yeah, love that Gene Kelly. Know who Gene hates though? Kristin Cavallari. We saw him spell it out in a cloud this morning. Then he and a  leprechaun had a three-legged race on their way to Unicorntown.

Call us crazy, but we really hope  that if there is an afterlife, dead people have better things to do than whisper vague but supportive things about vapid reality stars from the great beyond. [Photo: Getty Images]

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Rihanna Plans Bachelorette Party For BFF Katy Perry

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Last year, Katy Perry denied that she and Rihanna were good pals, saying “We’ve had dinner, and that’s about it,”, but from the looks of the picture above, taken at a Grammys dinner, it seems like they’ve grown closer recently. Turns out, these two became fast best friends last year – so close in fact, that Rihanna has decided she’s going to be in charge of throwing Katy a bachelorette party before her wedding to comedian Russell Brand. Aww, we love celebrity besties.

A source told More! Magazine “[Katy] and Rihanna have become very, very close. So Rihanna has offered to plan a girls’ getaway and also help out with anything else Katy needs for the wedding.” Apparently Katy told Russell “her party is going to be every bit as wild as any party he and his boys will throw.” Fun! When can we expect our invitation? [Photo: Getty Images]

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Porn Star Joslyn James Posts Tiger’s Sexy Texts Online

Tiger Woods & Joslyn James

Still hungry for more sexy time with Tiger Woods? Porn star/golf-mistress Joslyn James (aka Veronica Siwik-Daniels) has posted every text she allegedly received from the golf star on a new NSFW website, Sexting Josyln James. The one-sided missives range from banal (“what do you want to eat…no turkey unless it’s a club sandwich”) to profane (“next time i see you you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and f— till mercy”) to romantic (“Great thing is we have a life time of this”). Despite her tearful, glamor-free press conference immediately following Tiger’s apology, the site also features nude photos of the star and hosts the texts on an oh-so-classy “iBone” graphic. “Veronica is looking forward to the next chapter in her exciting career,” says her site bio. “Fans are encouraged to keep checking back here for future plans and sometimes controversial announcements.”

See photos of James—and some highlights from her Tiger texts—after the jump.

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Paris Hilton Brings The Pink And The Black

Paris Hilton & Doug Reinhardt

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt have been clubhopping in NYC this week, with the socialite looking especially fierce Tuesday in a hot pink and black couture dress—bringing to mind exclamation points and bowling pins—matched with a hippychick headband. Ironically, it’s sister Nicky who’s getting engagement buzz this week, with Page Six saying longtime boyfriend David Katzenberg could pop the question at any second. For such an attention magnet, this dress is the loudest noise Paris has made in weeks! Is she still hungover from Rio or is this just the calm before the storm?

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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Miley Cyrus Hates Country Music Now Too

Does Miley Cyrus like anything? Already having dismissed the internet, Twilight, Harry Potter, Jay-Z, pop music and “normal people” as being beneath her, the Last Song star now has the country music scene in her hatelights. “It feels contrived on so many levels,” she tells Parade. “Unless you’re wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots and singing and whining about your girlfriend or boyfriend leaving you it’s not going to sell. I think that’s why my dad finally got out of it. You have to wear those cowboy boots and be sweet as pie. It makes me nervous, the politics of it all.” Yeah, that’s why “Achy Breaky” Billy Ray Cyrus is no longer the king of country music—politics! Maybe she’s just pissed racy duet partner Bret Michaels can’t get any Nashville love.

Unafraid to speak her mind, Miley even has choice words in the interview for her teenage fans (“I’m not like other 16- or 17-year-old girls. I have no perspective of who exactly my fans are, to tell you the truth. Teenage girls in general are hard for me. I’m not a girl’s girl.”). Hmm, loves Lady Gaga and her boyfriend, hates everything else—maybe Miley Cyrus is just your average teenager.

[Photo: .com]

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Britney Is Still Jason Trawick’s Princess

Britney Spears & Jason Trawick

While Britney Spears and Jason Trawick‘s shopping spree around LA yesterday might silence those split rumors, we can’t say the tiara and Mickey Mouse ears she sported will do much to silence the “Brit’s too batty to run her own life” rumors. Hey, Jason—when your girlfriend is wearing goofy headwear in public, do everyone a favor and smile. This is allegedly a lovely day on the town with your whimsical lover, not a tiresome photo op with your needy nut of a money machine, right?

See more photos of Britney’s big day out (and those Mickey ears!) in the gallery below.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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Eat, Pray, Love Trailer Leaks, Middle-Aged Tears Shed

Did you read Eat, Pray, Love? We did – twice – and each time we curled up in the fetal position and wept, cursing our mundane Bali-less lives. After nursing ourselves out of the E,P,L coma with daily doses of Oprah and frozen Lean Cuisines, we’ve once again fallen victim to Elizabeth Gilbert‘s autobiography, only this time it’s come to life in the form of Julia Robert‘s massive mouth.

Yes, the trailer for the movie version of the bestselling book is here, and it’s jam packed with, well, what you’d expect: eating, praying and a whole lotta loving, with help from James Franco and Javier Bardem. Our tears also make a cameo. [via ONTD]

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Sandra Bullock Moves Out, Marriage Called “A Sham”

Jesse James & Sandra Bullock

Sandra Bullock moved out of the California home she shares with husband Jesse James earlier this week, according to People. James, accused of having an affair with tattoo/fetish model Michelle “Bombshell” McGee while Bullock was filming her Oscar-winning film The Blind Side, allegedly told McGee last year that he and Bullock had already separated—with Bullock residing in Austin, Texas. Neither star has commented on the rumors, though the UK premiere of The Blind Side, which Bullock was scheduled to attend, has been canceled for “personal reasons.” (James has also closed his Twitter account.)

Someone who is talking is Danielle Dee Madrano, who previously employed “Michelle Bombshell” at livechat/webcam site SoCalGlamourGirls.com and says she heard plenty about the relationship last year. “She told me that Jesse’s marriage to Sandra Bullock was for publicity, and that’s why he did Donald Trump’s show, Celebrity Apprentice,” Madrano told Radar. “He never called on Sandra for money or influence because their marriage was a sham she said.” The webmistress also claims James enjoyed chats with McGee under an alias, though the model told InTouch she casually met James after adding him on Facebook. Either way—with Sandra’s fanbase—James is most definitely a dead man.

[Photo: Getty Images]