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Five Congressional Catfights We Won’t Miss At All

While Obama vs. McCain has been one hell of a title bout, there have been plenty of nasty down-ticket races that have also grabbed national attention. Pornography, godlessness, anti-Americanism, closeted homosexuality, watersports—no accusation has been off-limits in 2008. Here are five bloody brawls we’re glad to see come to their inevitable end.

  • Sen. Norm Coleman (R) vs. Al Franken (D)—Minnesota

Concerned that political comedian Franken could benefit from an Obama landslide in Minnesota, Sen. Coleman announced in mid-October that he would suspend all negative campaign ads about the former Stuart Smalley. This didn’t stop the NRSC from accusing Franken of writing pornography and making a joke out of child abuse (Franken acknowledged his nastier Saturday Night Live moments in an earlier ad). Ironically, Coleman sued Franken for defamation of character, and is now dealing with accusations of illegal contributions. Following some unsurprisingly nasty debates, the polls show Coleman and Franken in a dead heat.

  • Sen. Liddy Dole (R) vs. Kay Hagan (D)—North Carolina

Down in the polls, Senator Dole released an instantly legendary ad accusing Hagan of attending a “secret” fundraiser put on by “Godless Americans.” After the narrator asked what she gave them in return, a voice similar to Hagan’s declared “there is no God!” Hagan, a former Sunday school teacher, was unamused. Sued by Hagan for defamation, Dole released another ad explaining that Hagan’s faith was “not the issue,” continuing to question her decision to attend the fundraiser put on by several groups—including two members of the atheist PAC—neither of whom gave any money to Hagan. “If Godless Americans threw party in your honor, would you go?” If the polls are correct, North Carolinans are responding “STFU, Dole.”

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by (@katespencer)

Gossip Break: Heidi’s Heads Cause Trouble

  • Another day, another battle on The View. Think they’re ready for this election to end? [DListed]
  • Maybe the View ladies should get together tonight and play this election night drinking game. [Buzzfeed]
  • Heidi Klum‘s decision to dress as a Hindu goddess for Halloween is not winning her any fans in India. [BWE.tv]
  • The Broderick-Jessica Parker clan vote in NYC. [Jezebel]

[Photo: FilmMagic]

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College Girl Selling Her Virginity Meets 59-Year-Old Bidder

Natalie Dylan, selling her virginity, met one of her potential suitors in an appearance on Tyra. 59-year-old Lee said he is bidding on Natalie because he has “never had a virgin.” Natalie wasn’t shocked that Lee resembles her grandfather. “I didn’t have unrealistic expectations,” she said. Natalie put her virginity up for sale earlier this year in order to finance her graduate degree and reportedly has received bids up to $3.8 million.

by (@katespencer)

Afternoon Snack: Senator Bed Head

He may have a few houses and a dozen cars, but with his bed head, Starbucks and cellphone, the disheveled John McCain (spotted this morning on his Phoenix balcony) looks just like us. Let’s hope he maintains this look if he becomes President.

Go vote!

[Photo: Getty Images]

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Nov. 4 Is Not Election Day In China

Dr. Evil has sent a phalanx of illegally registered fembots to stuff the ballot box in all 50 states. Poll workers, overpowered by sexy, have been helpless to stop them. Senators Barack Obama and John McCain, presumably under the effect of some kind of hypnotic laser beam, are prepared to cede the election to the nefarious super-villain and write-in candidate.

Ah, how we kid! While Americans wait in long lines to vote, scour for free food and desperately refresh their political websites of choice, China is in the midst of Fashion Week! Hooray! Now we can provide you with a gallery of scantily clad models to distract you from those gray voting maps that won’t show any action until later this evening. You’re welcome.

View Photo Gallery

[Photos: Getty Images]

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Gruesome Twosome: Tila Tequila And The Mac Guy

Poor Justin Long. We here at Scandalist suspect he’s experiencing a post-Barrymore downward spiral. Since their break-up, Long’s been spotted with actress Kirsten Dunst, but even she wouldn’t admit they were dating. Now he’s resorted to picking up reality television leftovers, in the form of one pint-sized bisexual sexpot, our very own Tila Tequila.

A source told Page Six that Tila and the Mac Guy were spotted together in Vegas, once at the airport and again at a club. Apparently, Long wanted to drown his love sorrows in Tila’s crotch, so he “asked her to straddle him while making out. Eww.” And honestly, we feel the source put it best: Eww, indeed. So does this mean Tila’s done with ladyfriend Courtenay Semel? [Photo: Getty]

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Fiddy And Bette: Chilling In Queens

If you happened to be strolling through Jamaica, NY, yesterday, you probably stopped to rub your eyes when you spotted a very unlikely pair hanging out in a garden. Bette Midler and 50 Cent joined forces to open the “Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson Community Garden” in Queens, NY. Bette says she really had to blow up Fiddy’s phone to get the seeds planted. “I called and nagged him,” she said.

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Gossip Girl Inches Closer To Simulated Statutory Rape

On last night’s Gossip Girl, Dan blew a gasket when he found his little sister Jenny and best friend Nate locking tongues on the front page of the titular blog (their first kiss, shown above, occurred last week). Confronted by a belligerent Dan, Nate whimpered that he’s a senior and Jenny’s a sophomore, so it’s not really that bad. Dan made his Brandon Walsh 2K douche-face and told him to move out of his family’s apartment.

While the fictional coupling of two teenagers is fine with most CW viewers, a good number may know that while Taylor Momsen (Jenny) is really 15, “high school senior” Chace Crawford (Nate) is actually 23. Staged or no, we’re watching a college dropout suck face with an underage girl in slo-mo. A girl that isn’t even old enough to drive. OMFG, indeed.

Monday’s episode ended with Jenny realizing the ramifications of their potential relationship and ditching Nate, so it’s possible we won’t see these two dry humping anytime soon. But the morality of the characters (and creators) has been known to fluctuate. In one episode, Jenny is stripping to her bra for a creepy photographer. In the next, skeev king/ascot enthusiast Chuck Bass is suggesting he wouldn’t deflower a middle schooler (riiiiight). If Momsen and Crawford do eventually simulate us some statutory rape, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston should send the producers a flower bouquet out of appreciation.

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Carrie’s Really Sorry (Tony Called Her)

Remember way back when we told you Jessica Simpson‘s boyfriend Tony Romo was still calling his ex, Carrie Underwood? Yeah. Well Carrie’s super-sorry she let that cat out of the bag. Not sorry that he was still calling her, mind you. But sorry that she said anything.

In next month’s Elle, Carrie opens up about the remark, saying “It was something that was said in passing, and I would never mean to say anything to hurt anybody or stir up anything, because I’m just not about drama…at all.” Jess quickly refuted the claim, saying that she regularly checks her boyfriend’s call log, which doesn’t sound like a psycho girlfriend thing to do at all. [Photo: Getty]