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by (@katespencer)

Chris Brown To Fire Everyone He’s Ever Met

Chris Brown has finally realized that it’s time to launch Plan B of his “Save My Image Campaign,” and the singer has decided that firing his entire “team” is the way to go. The alleged batterer is apparently dropping his manager Tina Davis (who may be at the heart of the violent scandal), lawyer Mark Geragos, and p.r. flack Mark Sitris.

The reason behind the mass layoffs? His awkward statement, which Chris believes was too little, too late. Finally, something we can agree with him about! “Chris wanted to apologize [for the alleged beat-down] much earlier,” said a source,  “. . . and he was upset when the apology was finally released because it sounded so insincere.”

Rihanna‘s people may be the wiser bunch, as they’re working hard to convince the singer to drop Chris for good. And it may be working! RiRi hasn’t seen Chris since their time together at Chez Diddy, but a friend says, “she’s not completely sure she’s done with him yet.”  [NYP. Photo: GettyImages]

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Do You Want To Eat George Clooney?

The people over at PETA are cooking up something new on their anti-meat menu, and the main ingredient is … George Clooney‘s sweat! The People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals have been offered some of George’s perspiration, apparently taken from a gym towel in Washington, D.C. and they are exploring using technology to take his sweat and make it into George Clooney-flavored tofu; or CloFu, which they feel “would be delicious on it’s own or served over rice with a light soy sauce and sauteed collards, in a casserole with melted vegan cheese and olives, or perhaps pressed with vegan pesto in a panini.”

How delicious it really is ultimately depends on the type of sweat. I mean, if it was just that dewy glow sweat that he might have after stepping out of the steam room, this actually might be something to nosh on, but what if it’s that dirty, nasty sweat – like when someone is killing themselves running eleven miles per hour on the treadmill and it’s all beaded up over their upper lip and flying off their body? Yuck!

Either way, the people at PETA sent George a letter asking for his approval. No word yet on what George thinks about himself “being pressed with vegan pesto in a panini.” [Photo: Getty Images]

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Joaquin Phoenix Attacks Fan, Gets Removed From His Own Concert

Joaquin Phoenix pulled an Axl Rose last night, jumping from the stage to attack a heckler during a performance in Miami Beach. Screaming “I’ve got a million dollars in the bank. What have you got, bitch?” and tussling with the fan, Phoenix was taken out of the club by security, ending his performance barely after it had begun.

Two possibilities: Phoenix is on some Andy Kaufman shit, or Casey Affleck just happens to be filming his brother-in-law’s mental breakdown. If it’s the former (as anyone who remembers his older brother River would hope), when are they going to finally give up the gag? It’s not like the media’s getting less cynical about his antics.

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Flashback Lunch: Christian Slater, Ladies’ Man

Hard to believe, but someone’s trying to make a musical comedy out of Heathers, the ’80s cult smash about classic about a teenage killing spree. At a recent reading, Reefer Madness: The Musical stars Kristin Bell and Christian Campbell played Veronica and J.D., Winona Ryder and Christian Slater‘s breakout roles. Both seem a little old for the parts, but we can live with Kristin. Christian Campbell, though? Nuh uh. There’s only one Christian that’s going to play J.D. He may be the star of a failed NBC drama now, but Slater rocked Heathers so hard that he spent most of the next decade partying with the hottest actresses and models around despite flops like Mobsters and Kuffs. They better find a fresh unknown for the role, because no one famous could pump up the volume like Slater.

Check out the gallery to see Slater in his glory days, rolling with everyone from Kate Moss to Salma Hayek.

[Photos: WireImage]

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by (@katespencer)

John Dumps Jen, Again

John Mayer finally woke up and realized he’s been dating the girl from Leprechaun, and has kicked Jennifer Aniston back to the curb upon which he left her the last time around. Apparently John did the deed after Jen got back from promoting Marley & Me, which means he totally waited until after the Oscars to ruin her life. Ugh, he’s just that guy in high school who breaks up with you the day after prom. Classy, Mayer!

A source tells E! Online that, “He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour,” but Aniston pals are urging gossips to have some patience. This is a regular thing for the pair, which must mean a reconcilation – and a new song – is right around the corner. Until then, Jen can drown her sorrows in a bottle of Smart Water.  [Photo: GettyImages]

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Katy Perry Gets In Her Undies For Esquire

Katy Perry strips down and puts on a negligee for the April issue of Esquire. In the mag, Katy dishes about what kind of man she is looking for and her obsession with bananas.

On what she is looking for in a guy now that she is single: “I have a soft spot for musicians. If a man could ride this roller coaster with me and come out alive, then I guess we’d deserve each other’s company. But I don’t really have the right energy to be with somebody right now, because when I love somebody, I love somebody. Like, I want to marry them. I don’t date around. I haven’t been on a date.”

On bananas: “I always wanted to suspend from the ceiling in a twirling banana. I’m going to be inside the banana. So the banana drops into a fruit bowl with the other sparkling, glorious fruit, and their tops pop off and dancers come out and help peel me out of the banana. I have a fascination with fruit.”

Her Jesus tattoo: “I got that when I was eighteen, on the Sunset Strip. I was with my boyfriend, and I just wanted to get something so I would always remember where I came from.” [Source, Photo: Esquire]

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by (@katespencer)

This Is Not What Pregnant Women Look Like, America

Kelly Clarkson pregnant” has been high up on Google Trends all morning, which perplexed us as she very recently revealed that she doesn’t want kids. “Oh, my God, I have no desire,” the singer told USA Today. “I would not be a good mother.”

So what gives? According to speculation on The Insider, it’s just “weight gain.” You’d think the fine citizens of America, in which 63 percent of the country is overweight, would be able to distinguish a couple pounds of water weight from a growing baby belly (seriously, WTF is wrong with you, America?) . After all, it’s the two things we’re most obsessed with in the U.S. But what’s most troubling to us is the assumption that Kelly’s gained something other than commercial success. That’s all we’re looking for these days – bellys to criticize or celebrate – even when there’s no reason to do so.  [Photo: GettyImages]

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Hottest Spring Break Bods

It’s that time of year: when we cringe at snow forecasts, yearn for spring and daydream about wearing flip-flops. In the next few weeks, thousands will migrate south to Florida, Mexico, and the Caribbean to enjoy adult beverages, vegetate in the sun, and don a teeny bikini. Here’s some visual sunshine in the form of Marisa Miller, Kim Kardashian, Vanessa Hudgens, and many more.

[Photo: Splash News Online]

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Tina Davis Denies Chris Brown Affair Rumors

Chris Brown‘s manager Tina Davis, the woman TMZ claimed sent the three-page text that sparked his violent argument with Rihanna, has issued a denial of the “rumors” about their relationship.

The relationship between Ms. Davis and Mr. Brown is that of manager and client. There has never been any other relationship. The rumors in circulation are false. There are no e-mails between Ms. Davis and Mr. Brown of the type which have been described in media reports.

If the source of the false rumors is identified, legal action will be taken. Given the nature of the legal issues affecting Mr. Brown, Ms. Davis will not be making any further statements.

It’s unclear whether the choice to use the phrase “e-mails” was an attempt to dodge the texting accusation or just a tech-related confusion on the part of her lawyer. Brown also blamed his upcoming felony case for his silence when removing himself from the running for a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award yesterday (“the controversy surrounding the incident last month has shifted the focus from the music to whether he should be allowed to be among those nominated”). Said his spokesman, “While Chris would like to speak to his fans directly about this and other issues, pending legal proceedings preclude his doing so at this time.”

[Photo: WireImage]