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by (@katespencer)

Jennifer Aniston Can’t Quit John Mayer

Or maybe it’s the other way around? How can we be sure John Mayer‘s the player in this relationship? The couple reunited for a quick hello n’ fuck session in New York City this weekend, and ended up flying back to Los Angeles together, where they “were very lovey-dovey, reported a National Enquirer spy. “They kissed several times and hugged each other tightly.”

Some may say this means Jen is desperate, hurting to get married, just wants a baby, blah blah blah. We believe otherwise – our girl has every right to hate f*ck whoever she wants! If Mayer’s sensitive emails turn her on, then more power to her. And besides, she may not be knocked up with a child, but at least she’s boning one.  [Photo: WireImage]

by (@katespencer)

Lindsay’s Luscious Orange Legs

We have no idea what caused Lindsay Lohan to go crazy with the self-tanner yesterday, but holy sh*t, did she do a number on her little legs. They’re the color of buffalo wings, while her feet are as white as a nice blob of blue cheese dressing. Try as she might, her fake-looking crimped hair does nothing to distract us from her self-tanning disaster. Could it be that there’s some truth to those rumors that Linds has broken up with gal pal Samantha Ronson, and she’s trying to cover up her emotional pain with ugliness on the outside? Oh wait, nevermind – she’s actually engaged to Sam. She must be getting wedding ready!  [Photos: GettyImages]

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Ashton Admits: I Was A Slut Before Demi, Scared Of Bruce

Everyone’s favourite SDILF (that’s Step-Dad I’d Like To F*** of course! Hmmm, not sure it’s going to catch on), Ashton Kutcher, has poured his heart out to the November issue of British Cosmopolitan about being totally loved up with Demi Moore and shit. Apparently, post dating crazy Brittany Murphy, Ashton was looking forward to putting it about a bit, to say the least.

“When I first met Demi, I had no desire to be in a relationship. We met in New York, where I was hosting Saturday Night Live, and at the time I was saying to myself, ‘I’m going to party, I’m going to sleep with this girl and that girl, and just have a good time.’ I was introduced to Demi at a hotel bar by a mutual friend I didn’t realize who she was right away. And she thought I was hitting on her friend!” he says.

But we all know how that turned out, don’t we? A happy, Kabbalah-endorsed Hollywood ending for Demi, Ashton, the kids (who had his posters on their wall, natch) and Bruce Willis, all lining up for the wow-that’s-progressive blended family shot. But thank god! Ashton is actually human after all, and did entertain ideas of punching Bruce out (well, kind of) before they all became NBFs.

“In the early stages of our relationship, it was difficult dealing with Bruce. I’d think, ‘He’s the guy who used to sleep with my wife’, but once you overcome the jealousy, which is just insecurity, it gets easier. Bruce is now one of my favourite people to hang out with.”

Thanks Ash. That’s all we need to do ‘overcome our jealousy’. That way, we too can have our exes hanging around while we’re on holiday trying to have some, er, quality time with our other half. Nice. [Photo: Getty Images]

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Ringo Starr Is A Miserable Twat

There’s an old school of thought about celebs, which says the least talented and Z-list they are, the most diva-ish they behave whereas the real, bona fide superstars are actually pretty nice. And that theory’s been born out by the two remaining Beatles, Ringo “Octopus’s Garden” Starr and Sir Paul “Yesterday and about a million other classic tunes” McCartney. Coming just days after Paul won legions of new fans by appearing in hilarious classic spoof Britain’s Got The Pop Factor with comedian Peter Kay (watch the clip after the jump), Ringo showed a total lack of sense of humour by posting a bizarre clip on his website. In it, he commands his fans not to send him any more fanmail, like, EVER. Because he’s too busy.

“I want to tell you, please, after the 20th of October, do not send fan mail to any address that you have. Nothing will be signed after the 20th of October. If that has the date on the envelope it’s going to be tossed.”

“I’m warning you, with peace and love, but I have too much to do, so no more fan mail, thank you, thank you, and no objects to be signed nothing. Peace and love, peace and love.”

“Peace and love” off yourself, Ringo! If he’s got any fans left after this bizarre tirade, we’ll be stunned.

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Posh and Becks’ Clothes Stolen, Put On Ebay

OMG, David and Victoria Beckham are so royal these days, they even have their own thieving staff! (Just like Diana’s idiot butler Paul Burrell was accused of before them. Yes we know he was innocent, but we still think he’s an idiot). June and Eric Emmett, who have worked with the couple for ten years and look after their British pile Beckingham Palace, were arrested on suspicion of theft after items belonging to the couple cropped up on eBay. Posh’s eagle eyed parents Tony and Jackie spotted some of her designer gear and Becks’s soccer boots on the site (which begs the question, what were they searching for in the first place? Anyway), and then checked that the items were missing from the house. The Emmetts have now been bailed pending further enquiries, while Posh arrived in London yesterday.

“They are both very shaken. The idea someone has been rifling through their personal possessions is bad enough, but to think it is allegedly people they trusted so much is even more horrific,” a source told The Sun. [Photo: Getty Images]

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The Scandalist Scoop: Tuesday, Oct. 14

Daily News

Johnny Depp is on a sexy streak. The sizzling “Pirates of the Caribbean” star, who nabbed a top 10 slot on People magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive list last year, has been crowned Cosmopolitan U.K.’s sexiest man in the world.

Madonna takes ‘Sticky & Sweet’ break, shows her ‘Filth’ at premiere

Madonna switched gears to “Filth and Wisdom” on Monday night, hitting the red carpet for the New York premiere of her debut as a feature film director. The Queen of Pop, who is circling the globe for her Sticky & Sweet tour, arrived solo, without hubby Guy Ritchie on her arm. “I’m so happy with the finished product,” she said. “Writing it was actually my favorite part because it is so different from everything I do and deep down inside I’m really a writer.”

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Victim: Hef’s Twins Drank My Blood

Erica Civello, the victim in Karissa and Kristina Shannon‘s battery incident, has come forward to describe the incident and claims she “…could have died that night.” Erica describes that the night started in a friendly way, when the three co-workers and Erica’s boyfriend Ben decided to go out partying after they got off of their shift at the Wing House.

“We all went over to my friend Nicky’s house but after a while one of them, Kristina, wanted to go home and was acting all stupid slamming the gates outside,” Erica says. “She was trying to physically kick people, I’m not sure if she was playing around or not. She was in a really mad mood because she just wanted to leave. I started arguing with Kristina and we started fighting, when from behind one of them came up behind me and knocked me out cold with a bottle.” After the incident Erica suffered a concussion, broken nose, and a cut on her head. What is the most bizarre however, is the sister’s alleged proclivity for swallowing blood.

“The twins were taken outside and were bragging about what they did, saying my blood tasted good. Apparently one of them even licked her hand which had my blood on it, which is pretty weird,” Erica shockingly revealed.

Blood and Angelina Jolie is hot. Blood and broken beer bottles is not.

Erica said the twins did not apologize to her and when she heard about their new life as Hugh Hefner‘s live-in girlfriends, she was shocked. “I don’t think they deserve a break like that, it makes me sick to my stomach,” she said. And you thought Kendra Wilkinson had street credit. [Photo: Splash News Online]

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Leo Raises The Bar

Leonardo DiCaprio and model girlfriend Bar Rafaeli enjoy a romantic vacation in Cancun, Mexico. The couple sunbathed, went jet-skiing and snapped photos of each other. It wasn’t all romance though – Bar’s family tagged along for the trip.

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by (@katespencer)

Afternoon Snack: Aubrey O’Dog

Aubrey O’Day showed up at L.A. fashion week with her loyal boyfriend dog in tow, as usual, dressed in a devil Halloween costume. Sadly, she looks a whole lot scarier than her little friend.  [Photo: GettyImages]

by (@katespencer)

Gossip Break: J.Lo Makes It Official – Again

  • Jennifer Lopez and her hubby Marc Anthony have renewed their vows. [DListed]
  • Violet Affleck is cute even while picking her nose.  [Jezebel]
  • Travis Barker posted a novel to his Myspace blog about his healing process, and disses his ex-wife Shanna Moakler in it. Drama!  [Seriously? OMG!]
  • Angelina Jolie looks amazing in W magazine.  [I'mNotObsessed]
  • Comparing Britney Spears braless pics is the most fun we’ve had all day.  [CityRag]
  • Is Vanessa Hudgens cheating on Zac Efron with some guy named Bobby Bones, and do these pics of them kissing prove it?  [Buzzfeed]

[Photo: WireImage]