The Best Sentence From The Latest Charlie Sheen Rampage

In case you missed it because you don’t use Twitter or the internet or tv or the radio (the Little Orphan Annie serial programme has been talking about it non-stop), Charlie Sheen went on another ridiculous rant yesterday on the Alex Jones radio show, ripping on the creator of Two And A Half Men, his ex-wife, party girls, and just about all other humans and things in the Sheeniverse. T&aHM (what we all call it) has halted production as a result.

The most awesomely random quote of the entire blowup, however, came when Alex Jones issued Sheen an actual compliment:

At one bizarre point, Jones suggests Sheen sounded Jeffersonian, to which he quips, “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a p*ssy!”

That’s right – Charlie Sheen called out Thomas Jefferson. Frankly, it’s about time – actor Charlie Sheen has remained silent on the issue of Thomas Jefferson’s manhood for quite some time now, and the public’s had a right to know whether or not former president Thomas Jefferson is or is not a p*ssy in the eyes of the Two And A Half Men star.

Now that that’s cleared up, Mr. Sheen, what is your opinion on the agility of Charlemagne?


“Marijuana Bikini Model” Is The Best New Job Description

As you have probably heard, it has come to light in the past day or so that , Charlie Sheen‘s new girlfriend, Natalie Kenly, is a model who has regularly posed for marijuana magazines. Somehow, through the magic of internet synergy, everyone has begun referring to her as being a “Marijuana Bikini Model” as if that is a thing that already exists and that every one has heard of before.

That is a fantastic job title. it is succinct as it is impressive. And even if you get confused and screw the whole thing up, the worst case scenario is that you think the woman wears bikinis made out of marijuana. (For the kids: marijuana bikinis are illegal and you should not wear them.)

It appears that TMZ is the site that coined the term, so anyone linking to their story has started using it as well. Just google “marijuana bikini model.” You’ll see the magic. I hope Natalie Kenly gets the world’s best business cards made.

TMZ, Gawker


Just A Really Awful Guess On Jeopardy

It’s probably very stressful to go on Jeopardy, but there is no excuse for this. Here is a clip from an episode that aired this week.

Yes, something like “What is What’s New Pussy Cat?” or “What is Pussy Galore?” has probably been a correct answer on Jeopardy before. I think we can all agree, however, that “pussy” has no place in a guess. Note to all future Jeopardy contestants: No Pussy Guessing. They should hang a sign back stage.

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Natalie Portman’s Perfume Ad For Dior: The Rich Are Different From You And Me

This is a perfume ad directed by Sofia Coppola for Dior’s new perfume, “Miss Dior Cherie,” starring Natalie Portman. I’m giving this a distant second place to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom‘s ad for their unisex perfume, Unbreakable. However, this is nice in that rich people live lovely, beautiful lives. We know this because we watch films by Sofia Coppola (and Woody Allen and Nancy Meyers). But it’s nice to be reminded of it via 30 second long commercials for luxury perfumes.

In case you didn’t notice, I’m insanely jealous and upset that this is not my life. I should probably buy the perfume. Actually, the best part of this commercial is the song. We could all use a little more Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin basically having sex in song form in our lives. Put on your headphones if your co-workers aren’t into sexy heavy breathing and let’s listen to Je t’aime moi non plus after the jump:

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POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Is Guy Fieri Terrible?

It’s an important question I’ve wrestled with for quite some time now: Is Guy Fieri terrible, or just, like, ok? In an attempt to provide some therapeutic closure for myself, I’ll present both halves of the argument in my head below — please leave your verdicts and further explanations in the comments.

POINT: Guy Fieri Is Not Terrible

My friend Kevin summed up Guy Fieri’s existence pretty perfectly, saying, “You know how some novelty diners will have, like, an alligator in sunglasses inside a pink Cadillac that’s made to look like it’s crashed through the wall? Guy Fieri is that alligator come to life.” His existence is absurd, sure, but he’s generally harmless.

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is one of my favorite standby “throw it on whenever” shows, and I’ve never minded Guy Fieri as the host. A number of my friends rip on him constantly for several hard-to-dispute reasons, including the fact that DD&D probably wouldn’t be any worse with any other human hosting it, but I actually sympathize with Fieri’s deceptively tough position as the host; he’s basically just there to compliment the food of nice, neighborly people, and there’s really only so many ways a person can say “this is good!” without turning repetitive or sounding like an A-Hole thesaurus.

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Richard Simmons Debuts New Persona: Lady GuyGuy

Comedian and pal Sara Jo Alloco attended a class at the Beverly Hills Slimmons Studio< last week. She walked in, and there was Richard Simmons, dressed up as Lady GuyGuy, screaming along with Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way,” which was blasting. No word if this photo took place before or after Mr. Simmons emerged from a bush.

Has there ever been a more appropriate time to use this GIF? We say no:

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Golden Voiced Homeless Guy Resurfaces! At Milkshake Store

Ted Williams, the internet-famed golden-voiced homeless guy who was hired by the Cleveland Cavaliers then it was discovered he’d been arrested like 600 times and he faded from our internet consciousness, has re-appeared in California, getting a milkshake named after him at the Millions of Milkshakes in West Hollywood:

“Oh, the ‘Ted Williams’ milkshake. That must be named after that homeless guy with the cool voice who had that viral video two years ago.” – What every tourist will definitely say in 2012.

As we recall, Ted Williams is not the only internet star to follow the career path of VIRAL VIDEO > SOME STUFF, KINDA? > MILKSHAKES…

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by (@unclegrambo)

Cee Lo Gets Animated In A GIF Wall To End All GIF Walls

If you saw Cee Lo Green’s triumphant Grammy performance of “Forget You” with Gwyneth Paltrow and the Muppets while dressed like a gay peacock, you understand that VH1′s February Posted artist likes to have fun. Knowing this, sit back, relax and enjoy this very special Gif Wall which features the Lady Killer recreating famous memes (The Dramatic Chipmunk, anyone?), pumping his fist like he’s the fourth member of the Jersey Shore MVP Posse, and much, much more.

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My Mother’s Very Strong Opinions On Jeopardy’s “Watson”

If there is one thing we as a Collins family love, it is the show Jeopardy. I do not doubt for a moment that any member of my family, including our cat Minky, would gladly drop everything and run away with Alex Trebek if the opportunity ever presented itself.

But it’s rare that the rest of the country is up in arms about Jeopardy, but that is exactly what happened this week, as two of the all-time greatest Jeopardy contestants, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, went up against IBM’s Watson, a computer designed specifically to play Jeopardy. Cancer, Shmancer, have you seen this thing play??? Watson is pretty f**king unbelievable. (Except when it comes to U.S. Cities, but I digress.)

Given the amount of buzz surrounding Watson and this recent Jeopardy brain-blicity stunt, I just had to speak with my opinionated mother, Judy Collins, regarding her thoughts on Watson. In typical fashion, they’re pretty major.

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