Food

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COFFEE HOUSE FAIL Is Just The Worst Coffee Commercial Ever Made

I preface the following rant by admitting that I have no idea why I react with such visceral hatred for random, inconsequential commercials, but that being said, this ad for International Delight Iced Coffee may be the laziest thing I have ever seen, and believe me, I’ve seen a LOT of lazy things (most of them being cats and therefore great).

WHEN HAS THIS NEVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE EVER? WHY DO THE AUTOMATIC DOORS MALFUNCTION? WHAT COFFEEHOUSE IN THE WORLD HAS AUTOMATIC DOORS? HOW IS THIS MORE LIKELY TO OCCUR AT A COFFEEHOUSE THAN A GROCERY STORE? WHO IS HAVING PROBLEMS ACQUIRING / TRANSPORTING F***ING COFFEE??? OF COURSE ‘FAIL’ HAS MADE ITS WAY INTO VIRAL COFFEE COMMERCIAL LEXICON I’M GONNA STOP TYPING CAPS HERE WATCH THIS:

Remember to Tweet your coffeeiest coff-fails to #InternationalCOFFAILSthemovie to unlock the “Like us on Facebook” Bean-Badge on Getglue for your Droid and/or coffphone!

Take us out, “You’re Doin It Wrong!” GIF:

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Man Breaks Up Subway Fight By Fearlessly Eating Potato Chips

Here’s a fight breaking out on a New York City subway between a man and a woman kicking each other, but unlike your average run-of-the-mill internet subway fight video, this one gets broken up in the most nonchalant way possible: By a dude choosing to stand between the combatants and eat potato chips.

If all it takes to break up a fight is to stand there and eat chips, then who knows, someday even I might be a hero! Ehh, actually I’d rather be sitting down when eating the chips, my feet kind of hurt. But one step closer to herodom!

Get this dude a Lay’s endorsement deal ASAP:

(via Gawker. The Reddit comments about this being the first correctly-filmed subway fight in internet history are also pretty funny.)

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It’s Not Delivery, It’s New Almost Pizza!

Here’s an ad from this week’s SNL for “Almost Pizza,” the make-at-home pizza that you’ll swear is just like pizza except it’s not pizza in a few key ways!

The commercial is only slightly more ridiculous than, say, an incognito delivery driver showing up at a rapper’s ballin’ mansion with pizza that’s so convincing-tasting that they assume he’s a real delivery guy and invite him in (I delivered pizzas for 5 years and this only happened 3 times per week tops), but it’s really funny and ends up in a wonderfully insane place:

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AHHHH!!! This Army Of Undead Peeps Will Devour Us All!!!!

Oh, thank God, it’s just a photo of Peeps at the Peep Factory before they’ve been decorated. For a minute I thought all of the Peeps I’ve eaten over the years have risen from the dead as Peep-Zombies to get revenge on me for saying “I forgot how much I don’t enjoy these” every single Easter.

If the Dead Peeps ever DO rise, though, that one friend of yours who’s always like, “Aww, but I love Peeps!” is gonna have to save us all. Or possibly Daryl from The Peeping Dead.

God help us if Cadbury Mini Eggs ever start rising from the dead…

(Pic via NYT – Thanks, Hilary!)

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Plague Away Your Hunger This Passover With These Chocolate Frogs & Locusts!

Are you enslaved by your desire for chocolate, but your desperate prayers to the Marshmallow God keep going unanswered?

This Passover, pick up some Zelda’s chocolate, marshmallow-filled plague candy, the first snacks with the courage to tell the Pharaoh “LET MY SWEET TOOTH GO”:

Mmmmm…Sacrelicious…

Also available: Flaming peanut-butter-cup hail, the Nile turning into a river of chocolate, and creamy nougat-filled dead first born sons!

(ViaAdam; Cultural knowledge via definitely reading The Bible and not by seeing The Ten Commandments 60 times.)

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Real-Life Hamburglar Strikes McDonalds In Maine…Or Did Grimace Set Him Up?

Looks like the Hamburglar has struck again, this time at a McDonald’s Drive-Thru in Maine. OR IS THIS A COPYCAT CRIME:

A hamburger bandit remains on the lam after snatching snacks at the McDonald’s drive-through on Western Avenue.

The daring grab occurred around 6 p.m. Sunday when the unidentified man — believed to be a teenager — ran between a car and the takeout window as an employee handed a bag of food to the waiting driver, police said…

The tipster gave Massey a description of the thief, which included red jeans. Massey pulled into the Arby’s parking lot just down the street from McDonald’s and found a young man in red jeans dipping into a McDonald’s bag.

When the lieutenant asked to speak to him, the unidentified man swore at Massey and ran into the woods…

The order totaled about $20.

Now, the obvious assumption to make here would be “This looks like the work of the Hamburglar,” but the circumstances seem almost TOO obvious: someone steals a bag of McDonald’s hamburgers in broad daylight, then eats them right around the corner and swears at the police officer who tries to talk to him? It’s too Hamburglary to actually be The Hamburglar.

My theory: It’s one of the other McDonaldland characters deliberately setting up the Hamburglar after tiring of the Ham’s repetitive antics over the years. Most likely Grimace, because what is Grimace? A purple blobby scam artist, is what. Arrest him now – don’t wait til 50 minutes into this bizarre SVU episode.

I’ll accept my thank-you reward in the form of McFlurries.

(Thanks, Kevin!)

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Carnegie Deli Introduces Tim Tebow Sandwich And It Sounds Appropriately Horrible

Many people correctly predicted that new Jet Tim Tebow would get a sandwich named after him at the Carnegie Deli, we just weren’t prepared for it to happen two days after the trade, or for the sandwich to be called “The JETBOW”, and even if we put aside the fact that a Tebow sandwich was inevitable, almost every aspect of this sandwich sounds horrible:

The meal will be about 3.5 pounds and contain corned beef, pastrami, roast beef, American cheese, lettuce and tomato on white bread…

Ahhhh! Barf.

The sandwich will cost $22.22, a price that plays off adding Tebow’s and Mark Sanchez’s number together…

Barrrrf!

[Owner Sandy] Levine believes the white bread, mayonnaise, American cheese, roast beef, lettuce and tomato on the sandwich represent Tebow’s “All-American boy” personality, and was willing to break the mold because of that.

BARRFFFFF! BARF BARF BARF.

“We wanted to make it because he’s that All-American kid, the picture of what every mother and father want their son and daughter to be in the United States,” Levine said.

BARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARFBARF

The Barf. End.

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This Is By Far The Most Amazing Guacamole Recipe You’ll Ever See

Tired of the same old boring guacamole recipe that’s just avocado and lime and salt and also it completely obeys the laws of physical reality?

Director PES – the same guy who did Western Spaghetti – brings us this fresh new take on the classic guacamole recipe that is guaranteed to literally blow the minds of the guests at your next party! And it’s only slightly more physically-impossible than Michael Voltaggio’s wings!

The only thing that could make this more perfect is if it were served inside Teeny Little Super Guy

(via The High Definite)

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WANT: Thin Mints Nestle Crunch

Just in time for Girl Scout Cookie season, Nestle Crunch is rolling out this seemingly-legendary object:

EGADS! A thin mint candy bar? Can it be true?? Or have mine eyes deceived me with ethereal desires of tag-team sugary comas? Meaning this looks like good-tasting thing! Is it legal to eat one while drinking a Shamrock Shake, or is that like, delicious alcohol and painkillers?

Like actual thin mints, this candy bar is only available for a limited time, so alas, society still hasn’t figured out a solution to John Mulaney’s very simple Girl Scout Cookies argument:

Read more…

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BREAKING KARDASHIAN QUESDO DIP NEWS

We don’t often post Kardashian-related stories on BWE anymore, mostly because we all tapped out on Kardashian news and making fun of Kardashian news circa ’09 (1909, actually, somehow), but seeing as we are technically a pop culture blog and carry some obligation to keep you informed of the goings-on of America’s three somethingsest humans, we’ll make one brief exception today and check in on our ol’ Celebrity Gossip Stalwarts.

Let’s just stroll on over to Us Weekly and see what the Kardahsians have been OH DEAR GOD:

This officially concludes our 2012 Kardashian coverage. You may write your own ass joke in the comments.