We don’t often post Kardashian-related stories on BWE anymore, mostly because we all tapped out on Kardashian news and making fun of Kardashian news circa ’09 (1909, actually, somehow), but seeing as we are technically a pop culture blog and carry some obligation to keep you informed of the goings-on of America’s three somethingsest humans, we’ll make one brief exception today and check in on our ol’ Celebrity Gossip Stalwarts.
Let’s just stroll on over to Us Weekly and see what the Kardahsians have been OH DEAR GOD:
This officially concludes our 2012 Kardashian coverage. You may write your own ass joke in the comments.
Heidi Klum and Seal threw a Halloween Party Monday night (no, not their weekend ‘Bodies Exhibit costume’ party, a different one), and clearly, their celeb guests felt the pressure to match their notorious costume-ridiculousness with ridiculously elaborate costumes of their own.
Here, to make sure SOMEONE on the internet is covering celebrity Halloween costumes (it’s so hard to find coverage, riiiight?), and to lightly compliment these celebrities we so often disparage, are 11 Absurdly Elaborate Costumes from the Heidi & Seal 2011 Halloween Party (click any for Full Size):
1. Heidi Klum & Seal
2. Philipe & David Blond
The Scarlett Johansson naked pics the Scarlett Johansson naked pics (whoops did I just copy and paste that? Guess that’ll just help our Google ranking) have given us so many laughs in our genitals the past two days, but now the FBI is cracking down on the offenders, and in the process, giving us some regular laughs in our laugh-tummys.
Here’s a very interestingly worded headline:
Just so everyone knows, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is LOOKING VERY CLOSELY at these ScarJo nude pics, and they are gonna COME DOWN HARD ALL OVER SOMEONE AS FAST AS THEY CAN. Now who’s laughing, HUH???
The movie where the goodnatured local cops and the fast-talking FBI A-Holes fight over who gets to look closer at the ScarJo nude pics writes itself. It stars ScarJo.
(Reddit, via The High Definite)
It’s time for Guess The Ass, everyone’s favorite fake gameshow title that we just made up as a flimsy gimmick to post the following photo but it just got picked up and turned into 3 shows on Spike and 3 on E! that will run simultaneously beginning later today (Wilmer Valderrama is involved in three of them in a yet-to-be-determined capacity).
Today’s ass – this celeb celebrating her 45th birthday in Malibu:
Before we reveal the answer, let’s just take a moment to salute the creepy unselfconsciousness of this gossip photographer. Personally, I still feel awkward when there’s an ass on tv (not even a close-up of one, just literally any non-somehow-assless human being), so the concept of being professionally obligated to take photos like this mortifies me like the idea of having a job where GChat is blocked. [FLIPPY FROWN FACE]
Answer (Assnwer?) after the jump:
Kim Kardashian’s ass: It’s the major topic of discussion at every phantom ass-shaped watercooler inside Kim Kardashian’s head. But the question that like two websites probably asked four years ago remains unanswered: Is Kim’s Legendary ass real?
To finally put this quASStion to bed, because people are just talking about it all the time, Kim Kardashian got an ass x-ray and uploaded the picture online:
Ehhhhhhhhhhhh… I have two reasstions:
1) I never began to suspect that the ass of Kim Kardashian might in fact somehow be a fake ass until she went very far out of her way to prove that her ass is not a fake ass. It’s almost like the “I’m not racist, but…” preface to a sentence that instantly makes you assume that person is racist (before you’re always proven right). Only in this case, “butt” has two Ts and racism equals fakeness.
2) Does that photo actually prove anything? How do we know that the blown-out blueish image is genuine ass-cartilage and not, like, whatever they make fake asses out of? Lady In The Water-screenplay pulp? Conclusion: Fake. CAN’T FOOL THIS INTERNET GUY, medical science.
Just as slightly obscure films get released on weekends where nothing else is coming out in an effort to lazily break even, news broke today in the midst of a pre-Royal Wedding pop culture dearth that Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and Laguna Beach/Hills co-star Kristin Cavallari got engaged. After you’ve finished throwing away a monotone “Ok?”, let’s dish the DEETS on the BEAU (haven’t read a celebrity engagement story in a while and really feel like dusting off the proper terminology):
After meeeting last Fall, The Hills “star” Kristin Cavallari is engaged to Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. According to People, Cutler suggested a last-minute getaway to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. A source confirmed, “He surprised her with a quick trip to Cabo to ask her to marry him.”
Good for them! Cutler looks like that dude at work who isn’t a total a-hole but you just hate him anyway but you realize it’s just because of his face, and Kristin Cavallari is every gossip magazine celebrity ever, so it seems like the perfect match. Just gotta start setting up some cameras at Soldier Field to capture her post-interception reaction shots, then cut to Frank Caliendo in the Fox studios saying “who are the ad wizards who came up with THIS relationship!” (in his John Madden voice for some reason) and the universe will continue turning another day.
The having many many problems Spider-Man musical just fired director Julie Taymor and is about to go on a 4-6 week hiatus, its 6th delay in the last two years, and also it literally exploded and 4,000 stunt doubles were killed.
In other less expected news, the troubled production — which is currently nine billion Spideybucks over budget (they switched to made-up money when they ran out of actual dollars seven months ago) — also allegedly tried to hire Aaron Sorkin to fix it:
I also hear the producers approached Aaron Sorkin, who won the screenwriting Oscar for “The Social Network,” about lending his name to the production. He wouldn’t have to write much — the producers were going to hire a team of comic-book writers to do that — but he has such cachet that if he were associated with the show, critics would have to give it a second look.
Sorkin, who’s not exactly short of a buck, was amused, but passed.
Sorkin added, “I’m flattered but I told you, I can’t write dead stunt doubles back to life. If you’d like Spider-Man and MJ to have an unreasonably fast discussion that displays wit beyond their means and situation, then give me a ca–AHHHHH!!!”
Sorkin then fell 35 feet from the flimsy scaffolding on which this meeting was conducted, suffering major bruises. The 6-week production hiatus has since been delayed.
Tonya Harding is pregnant and expecting a baby boy “any time”. Not sure why this news is all over gossip sites right now, but forget explanations, because it is time to…
Oh, that didn’t happen? Kelly Osbourne is just re-creating the iconic James Bond Goldfinger mistress scene in a photoshoot. A photoshoot that she got hammered and accidentally stumbled into though, right? Hm, that part’s unclear. I’m gonna stick with my original title.
My theory: She fell into a vat of gold and they’re mentioning the James Bond thing to cover it up. Call that a BWE EXCLUSIVE. Call it that, now. Yell that in your office or dorm room or wherever you are right now.
Two more pics of Golden Kelly Osbourne after the jump:
Courteney Cox and David Arquette have allegedly split up, a report which TMZ followed up with this shocking photo of Courteney Cox NOT WEARING A WEDDING RING:
Wait, that’s as far as you’re going to zoom in, TMZ? You’re only zooming in one time to this low-quality photo to prove that Courteney Cox is not wearing a wedding band? And you call yourself a news organization where guys smart-assedly pitch topics on a Handycam then insert goofy voices onto photos that whoosh by? Pathetic.
To truly get to the bottom of this Courteney Cox scandal, our BWE Science-ologists (not that other thing) have blown up the photo an additional 10x in our state of the art Forensixx Lab 2000, which has a laptop with Photoshop on it. Behold, an EVEN MORE ZOOMED IN image:
Hmmm, still inconclusive. Are we sure she’s not wearing a ring? Better zoom in even more: