It’s true. Rihanna‘s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Word to Kelis. When it comes to her love life the live-life-on-the-edge starlet has been rumored to be dating pretty much every male celebrity with a pulse despite only having two boyfriends we know of for sure– Chris Brown and Matt Kemp. For the 656,702 time rumors have circulated that she and Breezy are secretly seeing each other. According to Perez Hilton (who has since deleted the post) the ex-couple had dinner, alone, before RiRi headed to Sardinia, Italy for a much needed vacation. Per Perez Hilton a source connected to Breezy’s team said the two met up for a drink where they talked for 30-45 minutes. Read more…
Here is a photo of person Kim Kardashian taken yesterday:
So, what do we even say at this point? Obviously our first reptilian brain-instinct would be to notice and point out the hugeness of her ass in this photo, but just as quickly, our brain reminds us that every possible Kardashian ass observation / joke / particle of knowledge was used up years ago, so we refrain from comment and pretend not to notice because it’s a hacky thing to even think, but at the end of the day, she still chose those pants, and still semi-posed for that photo (there’s like 8 more from the same angle), and we still notice it but don’t notice it and who knows WHAT ANYTHING MEANS ANYMORE IN THIS WORLD WE USED TO CALL CELEBRITY GOSSIP (and still currently call “Celebrity Gossip”).
There’s only one possible explanation: Kim Kardashian’s ass is officially now a satirical meta-commentary on itself.
We don’t even need to notice or make the joke anymore, because the ass is ALREADY that; it’s like the last two years of George W. Bush’s presidency, when he’d mess up words and we wouldn’t even care to point it out anymore because everyone already knew and he might as well have been doing it on purpose even though he wasn’t but still could have and at some point the joke turns inwards and explodes and we move onto the next thing. My point is just, George W. Bush’s malapropisms are literally Kim Kardashian’s ass.
Also, if you’re wondering what makes it a “Postmodern” commentary, it’s the same reason that makes anything else “Postmodern”: I wanted to put an extra word there.
(pic via Splash News)
We don’t often post Kardashian-related stories on BWE anymore, mostly because we all tapped out on Kardashian news and making fun of Kardashian news circa ’09 (1909, actually, somehow), but seeing as we are technically a pop culture blog and carry some obligation to keep you informed of the goings-on of America’s three somethingsest humans, we’ll make one brief exception today and check in on our ol’ Celebrity Gossip Stalwarts.
Let’s just stroll on over to Us Weekly and see what the Kardahsians have been OH DEAR GOD:
This officially concludes our 2012 Kardashian coverage. You may write your own ass joke in the comments.
Heidi Klum and Seal threw a Halloween Party Monday night (no, not their weekend ‘Bodies Exhibit costume’ party, a different one), and clearly, their celeb guests felt the pressure to match their notorious costume-ridiculousness with ridiculously elaborate costumes of their own.
Here, to make sure SOMEONE on the internet is covering celebrity Halloween costumes (it’s so hard to find coverage, riiiight?), and to lightly compliment these celebrities we so often disparage, are 11 Absurdly Elaborate Costumes from the Heidi & Seal 2011 Halloween Party (click any for Full Size):
1. Heidi Klum & Seal
2. Philipe & David Blond
The Scarlett Johansson naked pics the Scarlett Johansson naked pics (whoops did I just copy and paste that? Guess that’ll just help our Google ranking) have given us so many laughs in our genitals the past two days, but now the FBI is cracking down on the offenders, and in the process, giving us some regular laughs in our laugh-tummys.
Here’s a very interestingly worded headline:
Just so everyone knows, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is LOOKING VERY CLOSELY at these ScarJo nude pics, and they are gonna COME DOWN HARD ALL OVER SOMEONE AS FAST AS THEY CAN. Now who’s laughing, HUH???
The movie where the goodnatured local cops and the fast-talking FBI A-Holes fight over who gets to look closer at the ScarJo nude pics writes itself. It stars ScarJo.
It’s time for Guess The Ass, everyone’s favorite fake gameshow title that we just made up as a flimsy gimmick to post the following photo but it just got picked up and turned into 3 shows on Spike and 3 on E! that will run simultaneously beginning later today (Wilmer Valderrama is involved in three of them in a yet-to-be-determined capacity).
Today’s ass – this celeb celebrating her 45th birthday in Malibu:
Before we reveal the answer, let’s just take a moment to salute the creepy unselfconsciousness of this gossip photographer. Personally, I still feel awkward when there’s an ass on tv (not even a close-up of one, just literally any non-somehow-assless human being), so the concept of being professionally obligated to take photos like this mortifies me like the idea of having a job where GChat is blocked. [FLIPPY FROWN FACE]
Answer (Assnwer?) after the jump:
Kim Kardashian’s ass: It’s the major topic of discussion at every phantom ass-shaped watercooler inside Kim Kardashian’s head. But the question that like two websites probably asked four years ago remains unanswered: Is Kim’s Legendary ass real?
To finally put this quASStion to bed, because people are just talking about it all the time, Kim Kardashian got an ass x-ray and uploaded the picture online:
Ehhhhhhhhhhhh… I have two reasstions:
1) I never began to suspect that the ass of Kim Kardashian might in fact somehow be a fake ass until she went very far out of her way to prove that her ass is not a fake ass. It’s almost like the “I’m not racist, but…” preface to a sentence that instantly makes you assume that person is racist (before you’re always proven right). Only in this case, “butt” has two Ts and racism equals fakeness.
2) Does that photo actually prove anything? How do we know that the blown-out blueish image is genuine ass-cartilage and not, like, whatever they make fake asses out of? Lady In The Water-screenplay pulp? Conclusion: Fake. CAN’T FOOL THIS INTERNET GUY, medical science.
Just as slightly obscure films get released on weekends where nothing else is coming out in an effort to lazily break even, news broke today in the midst of a pre-Royal Wedding pop culture dearth that Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and Laguna Beach/Hills co-star Kristin Cavallari got engaged. After you’ve finished throwing away a monotone “Ok?”, let’s dish the DEETS on the BEAU (haven’t read a celebrity engagement story in a while and really feel like dusting off the proper terminology):
After meeeting last Fall, The Hills “star” Kristin Cavallari is engaged to Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler. According to People, Cutler suggested a last-minute getaway to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. A source confirmed, “He surprised her with a quick trip to Cabo to ask her to marry him.”
Good for them! Cutler looks like that dude at work who isn’t a total a-hole but you just hate him anyway but you realize it’s just because of his face, and Kristin Cavallari is every gossip magazine celebrity ever, so it seems like the perfect match. Just gotta start setting up some cameras at Soldier Field to capture her post-interception reaction shots, then cut to Frank Caliendo in the Fox studios saying “who are the ad wizards who came up with THIS relationship!” (in his John Madden voice for some reason) and the universe will continue turning another day.
The having many many problems Spider-Man musical just fired director Julie Taymor and is about to go on a 4-6 week hiatus, its 6th delay in the last two years, and also it literally exploded and 4,000 stunt doubles were killed.
In other less expected news, the troubled production — which is currently nine billion Spideybucks over budget (they switched to made-up money when they ran out of actual dollars seven months ago) — also allegedly tried to hire Aaron Sorkin to fix it:
I also hear the producers approached Aaron Sorkin, who won the screenwriting Oscar for “The Social Network,” about lending his name to the production. He wouldn’t have to write much — the producers were going to hire a team of comic-book writers to do that — but he has such cachet that if he were associated with the show, critics would have to give it a second look.
Sorkin, who’s not exactly short of a buck, was amused, but passed.
Sorkin added, “I’m flattered but I told you, I can’t write dead stunt doubles back to life. If you’d like Spider-Man and MJ to have an unreasonably fast discussion that displays wit beyond their means and situation, then give me a ca–AHHHHH!!!”
Sorkin then fell 35 feet from the flimsy scaffolding on which this meeting was conducted, suffering major bruises. The 6-week production hiatus has since been delayed.
Tonya Harding is pregnant and expecting a baby boy “any time”. Not sure why this news is all over gossip sites right now, but forget explanations, because it is time to…