Another day on the ‘netwebs, another story about A MUMMY ROBBING A GAS STATION:
‘Mummy’ with hatchet robs gas station
Trooper Stephen Limani of the state police barracks in Greensburg, PA said a man robbed the Buy ‘n Fly in Herminie after wrapping himself in fabric to conceal his identity.
Limani said witnesses reported the man was wielding a hatchet and “almost had the appearance of a mummy.”
The robber got away with undisclosed amount of cash. There were no injuries.
Has anyone ever investigated the Associated Press to see if they’re intentionally making these oddball “zany internet stories” happen then reporting on them so they can keep generating attention? It’d be just like the villain in Tomorrow Never Dies! How cunning of them to steal the plot of the most easily forgotten Bond movie…
Even though the “Mummy” aspect might’ve been exaggerated here, the police still obviously have this dude on the case:
“Looking for a snack… Let’s see, we got some soda, purple stuff, Sunny D… Hey, Giant Toasted Ants! Grab that container of Giant Toasted Ants so we can snack on some giant ants! Your mom’s the best.”
Giant Toasted Ants Snack now on the market, people:
The container, which resembles something a John Cena character would be tricked into taking but he’d kill his captor and get the antidote, boasts these three enticing attributes:
- The World’s Largest Ant (Not one of the first 900 questions I was going to ask)
- Nutty Bacon Like Taste (Actually something)
- Rare Delicacy Of The Guane Indians (I base nothing in my life on the actions of those people)
I’m all for trying new things, but I actually just said that vague first half of this sentence so I could then say “but I do not want to eat a container of giant toasted ants” without seeming closed-minded and obvious. If I want to eat something that tastes like bacon, I’ll just stick with bacon scorpions, thank you very much.
(pic via Splash)
Aaaand here’s the worst thing ever. Actually no, that eel up the ass story is still the worst thing ever, but here’s one of the top like, eight or nine worst things things ever.
An L.A. County employee died at her desk on Friday afternoon and nobody noticed until a security guard discovered her a day later. Needless to say, this is way more tragic and disturbing than Weekend At Bernie’s (and about on par with W-at-B’s II):
AaaggahhhhhhhHHHHH!!!! The worst!
If that happened to me, I can’t even imagine the double embarrassment when the security guard’s like “Oh my God, this guy’s dead! Oh my God, this guy was GChatting, checking three fantasy leagues, streaming Larry Sanders on Netflix, reading Rip Torn’s IMDB page, and live-refreshing his ‘Your Tweets, Retweeted’ tab while at work. What was this dead A-hole’s job?”
An adult store in Alabama is currently offering a promotion where customers can trade in used guns for store credit on Valentine’s Day, the holiday of that happening:
“Which one would I rather kiss,” a gun or a sex toy? Neither. And if I had to pick, probably the gun – at least I could say, like, “Excuse you while you kiss the dead sky!” in an Arnold voice then accidentally shoot myself while my friends laugh twice.
This promo could be dangerous, though – did you know that people who keep vibrators in their home are 58% more likely to throw their vibrator at a family member than a burglar? Facts don’t lie, people, like Shakira’s elbows (her hips actually do lie sometimes but she changed the song to “hips” cause it fit better). End of argument.
Also, for the sake of awesome, PLEASE watch the slide show on the sex shop’s website (site is NSFW, NSFDoy).
The world’s strongest beer has officially gone on sale in the UK — “Sink The Bismarck” beer, the world’s first IPA with 41% alcohol content, is available for £55 (about $88) for a 330 mL bottle (about 0.001 hogsheads):
I’m guessing those two guys are the British Mythbusters and this is payback for us stealing their show? Or they may just be those two dudes from my neighborhood in Brooklyn that I saw talking during a Neon Indian concert. Either way, at least they have a sense of humor about their surely lethal creation:
This is an extremely strong beer; it should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance – in exactly the same manner that you would enjoy a fine whisky, a Frank Zappa album or a visit from a friendly yet anxious ghost.’
So true! About Zappa albums and ghosts!
Close-up of the beer after the jump (it’s like you’re right there drinking it, passing out, and the beer getting banned even though grain alcohol remains legal!):
A German man won a radio contest to come up with the most outrageous “Mini-related stunt,” agreeing to get the word “MINI” tattooed on his penis to win a free Mini Cooper.
Andreas Muller, a 39-year-old from Saxony-Anhalt, had his penis tattooed on the air while screaming in pain, but afterwards, he remained incredibly optimistic / delusional from excruciating d*ck torture:
“Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it’ll be alright,” he said.
He added, “Wait, Minis don’t have magic d*ck-healing lasers? Oh man, this is gonna suck. Hope I don’t bleed d*ck blood on the interior. But at least I won!” [Passes out for seven weeks]
(Barstool Sports via Jalopnik)
DiGiorno has unleashed a new unholy frozen alliance: It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno and also some f***ing cookies!
Pizza and a batch of cookies. Why not? People like both things, so why not bake them simultaneously and just save t–ohhhh because it’s completely f-ing fatdiculous, never mind. So where in God’s name does DiGiorno go from here?
Here’s 5 Suggestions For Future DiGiorno Frozen Combos:
A UK yachting company has designed the world’s first “Superyacht,” a $1.1 billion floating replica of Monte Carlo that includes a casino, racetrack, tennis courts, functioning replica of Monaco’s famous Hotel de Paris, and a giant ball pit full of the skulls of dead middle class people for your kids to play in and/or for you to have sex with (kidding, about the tennis courts):
The State Of The Union should just open with Lenny Dykstra riding this thing through the wall of congress yelling “WHAT RECESSION, MOTHERF***ERS???”
(Also, too late to have Weird Al re-record the Black Sabbath song “Supernaut” as “Superyacht” and blast it in the bedrooms? It is NEVER too late for that.)
Here’s a 14 foot replica of Da Vinci’s Last Supper painting constructed by Michigan’s Laura Bell entirely out of lint out from her dryer. She estimates just doing the laundry took between 700-800 hours, plus another 200 hours to put the painting together, thus accomplishing the final thing on the Earth to possibly accomplish.
Click the pic below for full size:
Aaaaand…done! That’s it. That is the final human achievement. We can all go home.
Play us out, Barenaked Ladies:
Here’s some photos from a partial solar eclipse in Dinslaken, Germany this morning. Check out how awesome it is while I try to come up with a reason to have posted them on a pop culture site:
Because we are sometimes a humoure site (that’s the humor way I spell it), I guess my job is to add jokes to this? Sure – solar eclipse walks into a bar, bartender’s like, “how the f*** is any of this happening?” and everyone else in the bar agrees. Joke complete. And my post title was like, 4% a joke. I should get a raise. “Now that’s a joke!” – my boss, who is also a joker.
Additional ridiculous eclipse pic after the jump: