Law and Order: Special Victims Unit has just been renewed for an astonishing fourteenth season, prompting some of you other SVU fans out there to probably ask, “Where can this show POSSIBLY go in a fourteenth season, considering it’s been absurd since like Season 3?” Nonsense! There’s plenty of ridiculous, pseudo-topical plotlines left for this show to tackle / add rapes to!
Here are 14 Possible Plots for SVU: Season Fourteen, in order of most ridiculous to also most ridiculous:
14. Prominent college baseball coach Barry Flandusky is accused of molesting children on the campus of Ben State University, but an investigation leads to a disgruntled ex-mascot who framed Flandusky after being expelled for practicing ritual Santeria animal sacrifice in the state-subsidized University dining commons. Both the student and Flandusky are killed in the episode’s final minute by the University’s current mascot, who cites “spiritual self-defense” as their conflict took place on his people’s sacred Mohawk burial ground.
13. The Federal gay marriage debate is dragged into the spotlight after the President of the United States’ daughter is sexually assaulted by an anti-gay bigot in retaliation for the President’s pro-gay-rights comments, though the bigot is later revealed to have been hired by a gay man who is militantly opposed to gay marriage but only because his brother got secretly gay married once and was murdered by the president’s daughter’s highschool classmate after threatening to expose her affair with the president’s daughter’s secret service handler (which was just cover for her gay affair with the president’s daughter.) Ice-T comments, “Some land of the free.”
Here are 10 new photos of the cast of Downton Abbey filming Season 3, slated to air in England this coming September (and on PBS in January of 2013). The photos are somewhat mundane, but we know how absurd Season 2 of the show got, so we can only assume that they’re actually photos of EVEN CRAZIER STUFF happening that we just don’t know yet.
Here are the 10 Downton Abbey Season 3 photos, along with our educated guesses of what is probably happening:
OH MY GOD IT’S CARSON! Where is he walking? To Downton Abbey to arrange silverware? To a new RIVAL Abbey, UPTON Abbey? Or he’s dead and his spirit is returning to haunt Thomas for using the incorrect livery for Tuesday night soup with a young up-and-coming politician named WINSTON CHURCHILL?
The entire Third Season is filmed first-person from Lord Grantham’s perspective, and this is everyone smiling at him.
Presented without comment, our quest to find the ‘Coachella-est’ Coachalla Music Festival photo possible – we’ve narrowed it down to a lean Top-Sixty:
Netflix just announced that they’ll be releasing all 10 of the new Arrested Development episodes on THE SAME DAY, which means, obviously, that it’s basically already time to start planning our official Arrested Development viewing parties. Here’s a list of 10 Things You’ll Need For A Successful Arrested Development Viewing Party, assuming, of course, “The Final Countdown” is already on your iPod several times over:
April 15th, 2012 will mark the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, one of the most notoriously tragic events in recent human history (redeemed somewhat by its indirectly causing Downton Abbey). If you’re looking to honor this momentous anniversary in a classy manner truly befitting the dignity of the Titanic’s lost souls, then there’s probably something else you can do, but if you just want to drop a few bucks on a random object with “TITANIC” slapped on it, then you are in luck, sir or madame with specific wants!!!
Here’s our official BWE Buyer’s Guide to the 20 Tackiest Titanic-Themed Gifts. CLASS is officially in session:
20. I Heart Titanic Tank Top
An exact replica of the one worn by the ship’s Captain 100 years ago:
19. $19 Heart of the Ocean
I want you to draw me wearing this… Wearing ONLY this… and this ‘Titanic Rules’ hat… and these sunglasses with the hologram eyes… and this “Titanic Is #1!” foam finger…
Everyone knows that not paying taxes can become a celebrity’s legacy. (Go with me on this.) When someone mentions Willie Nelson or Wesley Snipes, if you don’t automatically make a joke about weed or Passenger 57, the next easy go-to in your bag of Nelson-Snipes jokes is totally about tax evasion, I just know it. But stars who don’t abide by the tax code are such a common thing that it’s not that shocking anymore once you hear who’s been in hot water for it. Martha Stewart. Snoop Dogg. Val Kilmer. Teri Polo! Clearly she wasn’t reporting her income from being a Miss America judge.
So sure, lots of celebs get in trouble for it, but haven’t we all wondered who the sexiest tax evaders are? We sure have:
12. Burt Reynolds
This centerfold was no angel (see what I did there?), Burt owed the state of California $225,000 back in 1996.
11. Sophia Loren
Back in the early 1980′s, Sophia owed Italy over $600,000. You know if Berlusconi was president back then, she would have gotten away with it.
It’s not surprising, but it’s official: HBO has renewed Game Of Thrones for a third season. Feel free to celebrate the news accordingly by, say, banging a blood relative from behind and fire-murdering the incest baby, but in the meantime, here are 10 Game Of Thrones Characters Reacting To The Season 3 Renewal:
I had my annual appointment with my tax guy this week, which is USUALLY the one day a year I actually feel like something resembling an actual adult (I’m shoveling Starburst Crazy Beans into my mouth while typing this), except for this year, because I spent several hours tearing my room apart looking for my 2011 tax forms and couldn’t find them, but what I DID find was just random stupid thing after random stupid thing to remind me that I’m a complete failure as a functional grownup.
Here are 20 Things I Found Much Quicker Than My 2011 Tax Forms – hopefully most of you who’ve wasted a day looking for something can relate:
1. Two Copies Of Super Mario Bros. 3
2. Incubus Ticket Stub From 2002
3. Ernest DVDs
The 2012 Major League Baseball Season is officially upon us, and while I’d love to channel my enthusiasm into a big “MLB Season Preview” post, most of my past attempts to sneak pseudo-sportswriting onto BWE have been met with varying degrees of reader-apathy.
So, rather than completely give up, let’s meet somewhere in the middle with something everyone on Bestweekever DOES like: Random, adorable photos of things. Here’s a division-by-division breakdown of what to expect this Baseball Season based entirely on the cuteness of one photo representing each team nickname. LET THE ANALYSIS BEGIN:
American League East
1. Baltimore Orioles
2. Boston Red Sox
3. New York Yankees