Lists

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The 7 Most Bitter Crowd Signs From The Lions’ Historic 16th Straight Loss On Sunday

The Detroit Lions lost their final game of the season yesterday, becoming the first team in NFL history to post an 0-16 record. However, while it would be easy to laugh at the Lions’ feat of historical ineptitude, I would instead like to take a moment to congratulate Lions fans for seizing this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to come up with the most bitter, self-deprecating crowd signs imaginable. Here are some of the bitter sign highlights from Sunday’s game:

7. 1-15 I STILL BELIEVE!

Lions Still Believe

It’s like driving past a car that still has a McCain/Palin bumper sticker…

6. NO LION – THEY STINK!
No Lion

Bitter, but not too bitter to lose their sense of punnage. Definitely NY Post material.

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The 10 Funniest Sports Franchises Of 2008

In professional sports, there are losing teams, and then there are teams that lose and also it’s really funny. The following ten franchises represented the pinnacle of sports-fan schadenfreude in 2008, as ranked by a scientific-as-hell system that combines the team’s Merry Listmas!Creative Hilarity (negative/ridiculous storylines, WTF moments, general stupidity/absurdity) with their Degree of Failure (overall losing, chronic losing, or particularly rough choking). For simplicity’s sake, the list only covers the NFL, MLB, NHL, and NBA — otherwise, the entire list would just be jokes about the CFL’s Saskatchewan Roughriders. Because seriously, eff those guys.

10. Philadelphia Eagles

Creative Hilarity: 6. I received a text from one of my Eagles-fan friends after Philly lost to the Redskins this past Sunday (virtually wiping out their postseason chances this year) that ended with the succinct reminder “oh yeah, Andy Reid has fat inside of his skull instead of a brain.” I feel this phrase and the anger behind it more or less sums up the past decade of Eagles football with more painful accuracy than any ten seasons of team highlight videos possibly could.

Failure Rating: 5. The Eagles are never outright terrible, but they always lose exactly enough to lower expectations before a surprising win, then win exactly enough to raise expectations before a surprising loss. It’s truly one of the most awe-inspiring balances in nature; I think there’s an entire Planet Earth episode dedicated to it.

Overall: 11. At least the Phillies’ title buys everyone in that city at least another five suicide-free sports seasons.

Isiah Post9. New York Knicks

Creative Hilarity: 5.5. They’ve been a can’t-miss, Top-Three hilarious franchise for the past four years, but things are finally looking up — they convinced Mike D’Antoni to sell his soul, they managed to dump Stephon Marbury into the same Mystery Spot-limbo that Ozzie Smith fell into on The Simpsons, and I’m pretty sure they’re only three years away from actually drafting in the first round again! [ED NOTE: The Knicks probably will have traded away their 2011 and 2012 first round picks for Juwon Howard by the time you're reading this]

Failure Rating: 8. They haven’t had a winning year since 2001, but they have consistently finished above the Washington Generals in nearly every season since then.

Overall: 13.5. Plan A) Sign LeBron James in 2010. Plan B) Invent time machine, continue changing past events until Plan A comes true or dinosaurs rule the earth.

8. Cincinnati Bengals

Creative Hilarity: 6.5. The Chris Henry saga wasn’t so much a “nail in the coffin” for coach Marvin Lewis as it was a “series of bronze I-beams melded in a crisscross pattern overtop the coffin” for Marvin Lewis. Re-live these awesome headlines and dates –

April 3rd, 2008 – Bengals cut Henry, say they’ll no longer tolerate his conduct

August 20th, 2008 – Bengals re-sign Henry

Failure Rating: 7.5. The Bengals are dead last in the AFC and have been outscored 358-188 by opponents this season. Although, those numbers really don’t seem so bad if you’re dyslexic and thus cannot read or comprehend them.

Overall: 14. Maybe they can still save face by getting that 7th round pick from the Redskins for Chad Johnson?

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The Top 15 Stink Faces Made By Famous People During 2008

Merry Listmas!Behold, the stink face. An expression made by a person in any number of situations that causes them to look like they’ve just detected the scent of a fart in the air. Sometimes, people make stink faces because they’re annoyed. Sometimes it’s because they think they’re better than everyone else. For others, that’s just the way their face looks. And, though it is rare, some actually do smell poo. No matter the reason, a famous face under the influence of the stink is something to be honored and celebrated. Let’s take a look back at the best 15 made by famous people this year, shall we? (For the top 20 stink faces made by a non-famous person, go here.)

15. JOHN MCCAIN
JohnMcCainatDebate1.jpgJohn McCain could never hide his stink face on the campaign trail.

14. TWILIGHT STARS
293.Pattinson.Stewart.111708.jpgAs much as I love my Robert Pattinson, he really needs to work on being alive.

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10 Lists General Enough To Get On The Front Page Of Digg

Digg.com has historically represented the pinnacle of internet-content aggregation, with the Digg homepage traditionally reserved for the most unique, creative, and humorous “why didn’t I think of that” original content the web has to offer. In the last several weeks, however, the Digg front page has been somehow infiltrated by a series of uncharacteristically lame and predictable lists, including, among others, The 10 Best 80s Cartoon Theme Songs (wasn’t this the first thing on the internet after porn? And they don’t even have “Fraggle Rock” on there), The 10 Sexiest Movies Ever (General-icious!), and the one that finally put me over the edge, Twenty Awesome Aliens In Movies (did you know that E.T. was AWESOME??).

As a professional blogger, as well as a huge personal fan of Digg myself, I am constantly attempting to have my own articles pushed to the front page of Digg, which is why I’ve decided to celebrate Digg’s new love of crappy lists that anyone could’ve thought up with my own list of 10 Lists General Enough To Get On The Digg Front Page. Enjoy, Digg community!

Einstein10. Top 10 People

10. Einstein
9. Shakespeare
8. George Washington
7. Amelia Earhart
6. Charlemagne
5. A.C. Slater (remember Saved By The Bell??? Screech!!!)
4. Sir Laurence Olivier
3. Julius Caesar
2. Winston Churchill
1. Socrates

Beatles Sgt Pepper9. Top 10 Music

10. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
9. OK Computer
8. Beethoven’s Fifth
7. Elvis: The Sun Sessions
6. Revolver
5. Footloose Soundtrack (Everybody cut loose!!!)
4. Jazz
3. Bob Dylan
2. Nevermind
1. Mozart

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The Top 10 Unsexiest Movies Of All Time

In response to Entertainment Weekly’s Top 10 Sexiest Movies Of All Time, I started wondering which movies are the LEAST sexy and should probably be avoided on a romantic date, or any time you’re trying to get a boner. This list could also be used as a litmus test to see if you’re a perv or not:

10. Driving Miss Daisy
tn2_driving_miss_daisy_2.jpg

9. Monster’s Ball
18820213_w434_h_q80.jpgHalle Barry might be hot, but in this movie, the sex scene is so depressing (“I want somebody to make me feeeeeyeeel goyyooood”), it’s hard to find it appealing.
And it’s Billy Bob Thornton. Eww.

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5 Ways To Restore Playboy To Its Former Glory

Christie Hefner, daughter of Hugh Hefner, is stepping down as president and CEO of Playboy enterprises after nearly 30 years. “Playboy” doesn’t carry the same exclusive cachet it used to, possibly because of the failing economy, possibly because anyone can go on the internet and find endless amounts of the hardest hardcore porn in existence within seconds completely for free thus making the magazine totally obsolete, but as a loyal Playboy reader in the days before internet and my household getting Cinemax, I’ve come up with a list of Five Ways for the New Playboy CEO To Restore The Magazine To Glory.

1) More Airbrushing

The current cover models aren’t flawless enough; people only like to look at perfect things, so airbrush them even more to make them look actually perfect, not mostly perfect:

Playboy More Airbrushing

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Eye Candy: 2009 Wall Calendars To Look Forward To

It’s around this time of year that I start wondering how in the world I will be able to tell what day it is every day of next year. And once again I thank the wall calendar industry for bailing me out with date information and stunning imagery every single year. Here are ACTUAL calendars we can look forward to in less than one month. Stocking stuffers = stuffed.

The Sarah Palin Calendar
Maybe this was planned as an “If you win, it’d be great to have this..” idea. But you know, once you go to the trouble to get a great photo of you looking pretty with a shotgun over your shoulder, why waste it?
palin

Michael Phelps – 8X Gold Medalist
Don’t let the Olympic fire die, let Phelps swim all through 2009 right in your room, cubicle, or garage workshop! With mostly shots of Phelps swimming, this isn’t near as dramatic as the “2009 Mark Spitz Watching Michael Phelps Break World Records” calendar, with shots of Spitz watching Michael Phelps win all 8 medals…and crying.
Phelps

Click for more 2009 wall action!
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