Lists

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The 10 Most Depressing Photos Of Kevin James Promoting “Mall Cop”

I like Kevin James. I think his standup’s funny, there are certainly worse formula-sitcoms than King of Queens, and he seems like a genuinely nice guy any time he’s interviewed. So when I wrangled up the following 10 gut-wrenching Mall Cop promotional photos, I’m not doing it to outwardly dismiss Mall Cop as a total piece of crap (which it almost assuredly is), I’m doing it because dammit Kevin James, you’re better than this:

10. The Cone Slalom

 

Slalom 
9. The Delusions Of Grandeur

 

Heavens

 
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The 20 Most Internetty Comments On “Evolution Of Dance 2″

EvolutionJudson Laipply, the inspirational comedian behind the one-time most-watched video on Youtube, Evolution of Dance, just released Evolution of Dance 2 (the exact same thing with different songs) in the hopes of having a bunch of nonthreatening-humor-loving parents who just discovered Ctrl-V email it to one another.

Needless to say, internet commenters are jumping at this exceptional opportunity to leave really bitter, internetty comments on a video that’s sure to get linked everywhere. Evolution of Dance 2 already has over 1700 Youtube comments with more appearing by the second; most are along the lines of “lol — loved it!” or “278th comment!”, but because I never FAIL! to be fascinated by unnecessarily mad Youtube commenters, I’ve gone through and picked out my 20 favorite angry, internetty responses:

20. deelix

Overrated as f*ck

19. clow2ground

You have to be fresh and new, This performance has played out. Do something else.

18. radio213

it pisses me off that the other one is the most watched video, they all suck massive c*ck

17. Emerald1234S

Wow, all he has to do is shake is ass and they go crazy. You’d think that would be a bit of a cliché by now. Whuteva

16. fatwolf666

Bored…zzZZzZZzZ…2 stars

15. boomtao

Perhaps the sound is not in sync with the video. His timing seems off all the time! Since this is rehearsed to death he should start learning to listen to the music!

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BWE EXCLUSIVE: The Only “Best Albums Of 2008″ List You’ll Find On The Internet

I’ve always been a big fan of music, as well as collections of music, which I call “albums.” Then I got to thinking — what if I were to make a list of my ten favorite musical albums from the calendar year 2008 and put them all in order on my blog? People would love to read and comment on that! I checked every search engine I could — AskJeeves, Altavista, iwon.com — and found that surprisingly, no one has ever thought of this before. So without further ado, I give you the TEN BEST ALBUMS OF 2008, which is actually my ten favorite albums in a subjective, interchangable order but I get more AskJeeves hits by calling it “Best Albums.” Now that you’ve skipped over this intro and gone right to the albums, let’s get to the albums!

Girl Talk10. Girl Talk – Feed The Animals

Mixologist extraordinaire Girl Talk followed up 2006′s jubilant Night Ripper with a radical departure from layered sampling with his 2008 offering Feed The Animals, an entire album of acoustic Righteous Brothers ballad covers. I actually haven’t heard this album, can someone confirm that for me? (KIDDING LOLOLROFL!!!) It’s just 14 more insane mashups that always switch to something more ridiculous one second after you think you’ve gotten the point. Honestly, I haven’t felt more hometown pride for an artist coming out Pittsburgh since The Clarks Rusted Root Michael Keaton Pre-2001 Dennis Miller Andy Warhol.

[Ed note: WordPress spellcheck claims "mixologist" isn't a word, and when I right-clicked it, their first suggested replacement was "sexologist"]

Fleet Foxes9. Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes

One of the two albums that every listmaker worth his salt was required to include on his or her ’08 year ender (most music blogs still literally pay people in salt — fun fact!) Also, what was with all the simple, self-titled debut albums this year? What happened to the trend of long, unwieldy sentences for album titles? I would’ve preferred “Fleet Foxes – Going Down Under For Listlessness And You’re Next” or “Fleet Foxes – Waiting With The Skies By The Sea But Not This Time“. It worked for the Arctic Monkeys for a couple months.

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The 7 Most Depressing Stock Photos From The Final Day Of Woolworth’s

Whenever a news event occurs, the photo service Getty Images compiles a set of stock photos for important news services (like BWE.tv) to use, and while these services are always extremely handy, sometimes they’re also super depressing. In my pursuit of more Photoshoppable Brody Jenner doucheypics, I accidentally clicked on the photo set for the closing of the Woolworth’s retail chain after 100 years of business, and my day has now been ruined.

I now pass that symbolic, depressing imagery onto you in the form of these day-ruining stock photos from Woolworth stores on their last day; as always, for maximum depressing effect, play this while you scroll through the pics:

7.

Man Empty Shelves

6.

Superclosed

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The Best 25 Music Videos Of 2008

Merry Listmas!Even though the closest thing to a music video you’ve seen on TV recently is a Jack’s Mannequin song set against some B-roll of L.A. on The Hills, I can assure you, the music video is NOT a dead art form! And in 2008, the music business may have struggled to make money in the pirate-ridden seas of album sales, but they had no problem spending money on some incredibly beautiful, funny, creepy, and bizarre music videos. Here are my favorites from this year, in no particular order (if you must know, “Shine” is my favorite). Take some time to sit back and remember that music + moving images = MAGIC! I know I missed a bunch, so please include your personal favorites in the comments!

Thunderheist “Jerk It”This video will turn you on – and in turn make you wonder if you’re a pervert.

Architecture In Helsinki “Like It Or Not”
As a lady who loves all things embroidered and needleworked,
this video gives me a giant heart boner.

Beyonce “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)

Beyonce’s relatively simple, yet stunning, video inspired countless tributes such as this.

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The 7 Most Bitter Crowd Signs From The Lions’ Historic 16th Straight Loss On Sunday

The Detroit Lions lost their final game of the season yesterday, becoming the first team in NFL history to post an 0-16 record. However, while it would be easy to laugh at the Lions’ feat of historical ineptitude, I would instead like to take a moment to congratulate Lions fans for seizing this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to come up with the most bitter, self-deprecating crowd signs imaginable. Here are some of the bitter sign highlights from Sunday’s game:

7. 1-15 I STILL BELIEVE!

Lions Still Believe

It’s like driving past a car that still has a McCain/Palin bumper sticker…

6. NO LION – THEY STINK!
No Lion

Bitter, but not too bitter to lose their sense of punnage. Definitely NY Post material.

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The 10 Funniest Sports Franchises Of 2008

In professional sports, there are losing teams, and then there are teams that lose and also it’s really funny. The following ten franchises represented the pinnacle of sports-fan schadenfreude in 2008, as ranked by a scientific-as-hell system that combines the team’s Merry Listmas!Creative Hilarity (negative/ridiculous storylines, WTF moments, general stupidity/absurdity) with their Degree of Failure (overall losing, chronic losing, or particularly rough choking). For simplicity’s sake, the list only covers the NFL, MLB, NHL, and NBA — otherwise, the entire list would just be jokes about the CFL’s Saskatchewan Roughriders. Because seriously, eff those guys.

10. Philadelphia Eagles

Creative Hilarity: 6. I received a text from one of my Eagles-fan friends after Philly lost to the Redskins this past Sunday (virtually wiping out their postseason chances this year) that ended with the succinct reminder “oh yeah, Andy Reid has fat inside of his skull instead of a brain.” I feel this phrase and the anger behind it more or less sums up the past decade of Eagles football with more painful accuracy than any ten seasons of team highlight videos possibly could.

Failure Rating: 5. The Eagles are never outright terrible, but they always lose exactly enough to lower expectations before a surprising win, then win exactly enough to raise expectations before a surprising loss. It’s truly one of the most awe-inspiring balances in nature; I think there’s an entire Planet Earth episode dedicated to it.

Overall: 11. At least the Phillies’ title buys everyone in that city at least another five suicide-free sports seasons.

Isiah Post9. New York Knicks

Creative Hilarity: 5.5. They’ve been a can’t-miss, Top-Three hilarious franchise for the past four years, but things are finally looking up — they convinced Mike D’Antoni to sell his soul, they managed to dump Stephon Marbury into the same Mystery Spot-limbo that Ozzie Smith fell into on The Simpsons, and I’m pretty sure they’re only three years away from actually drafting in the first round again! [ED NOTE: The Knicks probably will have traded away their 2011 and 2012 first round picks for Juwon Howard by the time you're reading this]

Failure Rating: 8. They haven’t had a winning year since 2001, but they have consistently finished above the Washington Generals in nearly every season since then.

Overall: 13.5. Plan A) Sign LeBron James in 2010. Plan B) Invent time machine, continue changing past events until Plan A comes true or dinosaurs rule the earth.

8. Cincinnati Bengals

Creative Hilarity: 6.5. The Chris Henry saga wasn’t so much a “nail in the coffin” for coach Marvin Lewis as it was a “series of bronze I-beams melded in a crisscross pattern overtop the coffin” for Marvin Lewis. Re-live these awesome headlines and dates –

April 3rd, 2008 – Bengals cut Henry, say they’ll no longer tolerate his conduct

August 20th, 2008 – Bengals re-sign Henry

Failure Rating: 7.5. The Bengals are dead last in the AFC and have been outscored 358-188 by opponents this season. Although, those numbers really don’t seem so bad if you’re dyslexic and thus cannot read or comprehend them.

Overall: 14. Maybe they can still save face by getting that 7th round pick from the Redskins for Chad Johnson?

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The Top 15 Stink Faces Made By Famous People During 2008

Merry Listmas!Behold, the stink face. An expression made by a person in any number of situations that causes them to look like they’ve just detected the scent of a fart in the air. Sometimes, people make stink faces because they’re annoyed. Sometimes it’s because they think they’re better than everyone else. For others, that’s just the way their face looks. And, though it is rare, some actually do smell poo. No matter the reason, a famous face under the influence of the stink is something to be honored and celebrated. Let’s take a look back at the best 15 made by famous people this year, shall we? (For the top 20 stink faces made by a non-famous person, go here.)

15. JOHN MCCAIN
JohnMcCainatDebate1.jpgJohn McCain could never hide his stink face on the campaign trail.

14. TWILIGHT STARS
293.Pattinson.Stewart.111708.jpgAs much as I love my Robert Pattinson, he really needs to work on being alive.

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