Top 12 TV Shows That Overstayed Their Welcome

Before you rip on ABC for renewing “Desperate Housewives” for another season and picking up “Scrubs” from NBC, take a lesson in television shark-jumping history — celebrates the 2008 tv renewal season with the following list of 12 TV Shows That Very Obviously Overstayed Their Welcome:

That 70s Show
12. That 70s Show

Aired: 1998-2006

Number Of Episodes: 200

Wore Out Its Welcome: The show initially takes place in the year 1976 but stays on the air for eight years, meaning that at some point, the space-time continuum is slowed to keep the decade theme intact.

Wore Out Its Welcome Again: Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher both leave the cast in 2005, but the producers feel obligated to satisfactorily conclude the complex Red / Hyde subplot.

On The Other Hand: I don’t care if it takes eight years, dag blastit, we’re gonna convince people that Laura Prepon is hot!

Zachary Ty Brian11. Home Improvement

Aired: 1991-1999

Number Of Episodes: 204

Wore Out Its Welcome: Jonathan Taylor Thomas leaves the cast for Hollywood to focus on turning Man of the House into a blockbuster franchise.

Wore Out Its Welcome Again: In the show’s final season, the Mark character goes goth, and Brad (who is now 6’8″, 290) gets caught with pot, though the heavyhanded DUI episode is scrapped after Tim Allen gets a DUI in real life (no joke).

On The Other Hand: Did you know this show was still on the air when “The Matrix” came out?

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Top 10 Most Questionable Stars On The Hollywood Walk Of Fame

Sean “Diddy” Combs’ many years of saying things in recording studios and occupying club booths finally culminated this week with his very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but before we go ahead and criticize the Hollywood Sidewalk Star-Awarding Committee for lowering their standards, let’s take a quick look at some other slightly shaky Stars on the Walk of Fame:

10. Dennis Franz

Dishing out stars based on one starring role in one buzz-generating primetime tv show sets a tough precedent; what about stars for James Gandolfini, David Duchovny, Candace Bergen, or frickin’ Jerry Seinfeld? And if we’re nominating Franz for his pioneering work in male nudity on non-paid television, then surely we have to let the entire cast of Nip/Tuck stick their asses into a slab of cement too, right?

9. Billy Dee Williams

Miiiiight have jumped the gun on this one a little bit, Hollywood. Granted, the star came years before any domestic violence charges, and if you took away all the stars from people with spousal or substance abuse problems, you’d be left with just a full block of Fibber McGee and Molly. But why does Lando have a star and Luke, Leia, Chewy, and frickin’ James Earl Jones don’t? Or Wedge, for that matter?

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10 Alternate Titles For Darryl Strawberry’s New Autobiography, “Straw”

Strawberry1. “Mirror”

2. “Razor”

3. “Credit Card”

4. “Rolled-Up Dollar Bill”

5. “Burnt Spoon”

6. “Pipe Not For Tobacco”

7. “Angry Conversation With Dwight Gooden”

8. “Club Bathroom Stall”

9. “What Do You Mean, ‘Doubleheader?’ This Should Be Interesting.”

10. “Pile Of Cocaine”



Top 10 Greatest Rhymes In The Aerosmith Song “Pink”

Pink Aerosmith10. Pink – it’s the color of passion / Ah, ’cause today it just goes with the fashion

9. Pink – it’s my new obsession / Pink – it’s not even a question

8. Yeah, Pink – when I turn out the light / And Pink gets me high as a kite

7.I, I want to be your lover / I, I wanna wrap you in rubber

6. Pink – as the bing on your cherry / Pink – ’cause you are so very

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20 Pickup Lines For People Wearing Keyboard Pants

Keyboard Pants

1. So, you decide: ENTER or ALT ENTER?

2. Careful, these don’t come with a pop-up blocker.

3. The enter key doesn’t work so well, you have to push it really hard.

4. What do you say we CTR+ALT+DELETE ourselves out of this place?

5. Hey baby, do you play the keytar? This is just like it except it’s my pants.

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10 Futuristic Movies That Are Already Dated

From space colonization to time travel to self-aware computers, we can always count on futuristic movies to overestimate the speed of human progress and self-destruction, allowing us to laugh with 20/20 hindsight at filmmakers who just couldn’t bear the thought of setting their movies more than a decade in the future. The following are ten movies that stand out in the “did they really think this was gonna happen?” department, ranked from 10 to 1 in a completely non-arbitrary order of least-to-most humorously far off.

Stranger Days

10. Strange Days

Takes Place In: 1999

What We Don’t Have Yet: Bootlegged minidiscs that play transmissions from the human cerebral cortex; Popular minidiscs; Secret LAPD “Death Squad”

Verdict: Though the prospect of Ralph Fiennes sporting full-time scruff may not seem too farfetched, we all know the LAPD Death Squad dissolved the day after Biggie’s death.

Demolition Man

9. Demolition Man

Takes Place In: Mostly mid-21st century, but opens in 1996

What We Don’t Have Yet: Cryo-prisons; Public desire to invent, impliment cryo-prisons

Verdict: While we do know that freezing prisoners was not standard practice in 1996, we do not yet know if all songs in the future will be commercial jingles, the only restaurant will be goofy art-deco Taco Bell, or if the future of free humanity will rest with Dennis Leary. I predict Yes to all three.

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Top 10 Tips For Writing An Awesomely Funny Top 10 List On The Internet

top-ten-gold.jpgI feel confident in saying that has firmly established itself as one of the Internet’s finest purveyors of posts in which things are catalogued, placed into groups of 10, listed and presented in a humorous manner. But while these posts seem like Internet meme lay-ups, there’s actually an art and a craft that goes into writing them, as I will now demonstrate. Ladies and gentlemen, here are my Top 10 Tips For Writing An Awesomely Funny Top 10 List on the Internet

10. You must include the crucial phrase “Top 10″ in the headline of whatever you’re writing on the Internet. If you don’t write this, and you put something on the Internet, nobody will read it or care. Your headline must also include some variation on the words “Awesome”, “Funny” or “Ridiculous”. Preferably all of them. The perfect headline would be “Top 10 Funniest, Most Awesomely Ridiculous Things You Remember From The 80’s”. That’s practically guaranteed to get Dugg about eleventy bajillion times.

9. You must pick some kind of topical event to which you can make a tenuous connection in your premise. You can’t just start listing off the “Top 10 Cartoons From Our Childhood That Should Also Be Made Into Movies” all willy-nilly, you’ve got to set that up with some kind of current cultural event that makes your list relevant (even if it’s not really that patrick-swayze01_0.jpgsolid). Like so: “Now that Tranformers came our last year and there’s this G.I. Joe movie I heard they’re making, here are 10 More Cartoons From Our Childhood that Should Also Be Made Into Movies”. See how that works?

8. You must build your premise around a really obscure question that no one would otherwise think or care about being answered. Who ARE the Top 10 Greatest Character Actors Who Played Ninjas? I have no idea! Why don’t you tell me!?!

7. Write brief blurbs humorously describing why you’ve chosen to include each item on the list. Your insane rationalizations for why you’ve chosen to include the various components of the list is the primary reason why it’s funny.

See the rest, after the jump!

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The Top 10 Best 1980s Cable Access Moments Ever

CABLE ACcEsSS PICS.jpgLadies and gentlemen, you might now know it yet, but today is a glorious day. It’s the kind of day that makes you want to strap on your best dance shoes, brush the dust off your best glitter-fringed sleeves, and tap your way down main street, thanking God for the one thing that binds us as a people: The Internet. Because today is the day — at least for us — that we discovered “Stairway to Stardom“, the most ingenious 1980’s era cable access show to ever grace your wood-paneled Zenith TV.

Based in the New York area, and hosted by the lovable Frank Masi, the show featured local residents who wanted to just show the world all the talent they had been bottling up for so long, or those residents who wanted to scar their children for life. Either way, win/win for us new millennium viewers, who get to reap the kitschy benefits through the genius of the internet. What follows are the Top 10 Best Stairway to Stardom Performances… and by best, do we mean worst? Let’s just say, if you liked the girl playing Star Wars on the Trumpet, you will LOVE the following clips. And if you think you’ve seen them all, we’re guessing you haven’t.

Ed. Note: I have ranked these in the order of how many aneurysm tears my coworkers and I wept while watching these together, from least, to most, except for #10, which we’re using to bait you.

10. Here is the brilliant Gloria Huddle, singing The Manhattan Transfer’s “Operator”. If Gwyneth Paltrow had been raised in the deepest parts of Brooklyn, we guess her British accent would sound something like this (i.e.: Incredible):

9. Ever wonder what the Thriller video would like if performed by a less-than-athletic woman in a nude bodysuit who is addicted to thrusting her crotch out every 2 seconds? Let’s just say if Michael Jackson were a hetero black man, he would love the following dancer, Lola Perazzo:

Follow-up to the above video: OH MY GOD, SHE IS ONLY 13!!! Apologies for all that crotch-thrusting talk, but seriously, she’s gotta be 30.

After the cut, The Top 8 Best 80’s Cable Access Moments Ever…

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The 10 Dumbest Ad Slogans Of All Time

yoquierodog.jpgWatching last night’s Super Bowl commercials, I realized that the glorious heyday of the ad slogan catchphrase died sometime in the 90’s, and has been replaced almost completely (Dunkin Donuts’ “Doing Things Is What I Like To Do…YES!” being the last intolerable vestige of this lost art form) by ads whose intended appeal is found mostly in their irony-drenched absurdity (A head-shrinker at a car dealership!?! Hey, he’s not supposed to be there!). Determining whether the new contrived wackiness is worse than the old excruciatingly repetitive catchphrases is a moot point because all commercials are just sucky lies to trick you into buying crap that you don’t actually need, but for posterity’s sake, I’ve decided to commemorate what I’ve determined to be the 10 Dumbest Ad Slogans Of All Time.

10. “Yo Quiero Taco Bell (Taco Bell)” – What do you do when your make7upyours.jpgprocessed stomach poison bears about as much resemblance to real Mexican food as pasta sauce poured over hot garbage? Put a little Spanish 101 into your ad slogan and have an ethnically stereotyped Chihuahua say it over and over so the stoners who actually eat your slop can amuse themselves by going “Yo Quiero, bro” while they shove gorditas down their gullets.

9. “Make 7-Up Yours” (7-Up) - Well 7-Up, I would say that your experiment to see what happens when you let a 5 year-old write ad copy failed miserably. So I guess I’m wondering why you chose to make a sh*tty playground pun the centerpiece of your entire marketing campaign for, what was it like, like six years?

8. “How else can two months’ salary last forever?” (De Beers) - Um I dunno, camelwalker.jpghow about using it to secure your family’s financial future by finding an investment with a little more longterm growth potential than pretty shiny rocks mined by child slaves?

7. “I’d walk a mile for a Camel” (Camel Cigarettes) – No you wouldn’t, Luke Camelwalker. Since you have emphysema after years of chain-smoking, walking is pretty tough on account of the fact that you now need to be rolled around in a wheelchair with the air tank that’s connected to the smoke hole in your trachea. You still look like Joe Cool, though.

6. “Betcha can’t eat just one” (Lays Potato Chips) – Yeah, come on, Fatty McDudetits – eat some more potato chips! We f*cking DARE YOU. Betcha can’t keep your cholesterol at a manageable level! Betcha can’t make it to forty before having your fourth heart attack! Come on, you p*ssy, eat some more of our chips! HONORABLE MENTIONS: “Once You Pop You Can’t Stop” (Pringles), “Crunch All You Want, We’ll Make More” (Doritos).

5. “Tastes Great, Less Filling” (Miller Lite) – Since when have the kind of millerlite3dtastegreatsign.jpgpeople who drink Miller Lite given a sh*t about things like flavor or how full they feel while binge-drinking? Yes, back in the 80’s sports bars must have been abuzz with wasted superfans belching and saying things like “You know, Miller Lits really doesn’t have the sophisticated flavor profile of High Life, and feels a bit flat on my palette. Also my tummy is so full!” A far more effective slogan might have sounded something like “Tastes enough like water to suck down the 24 or so beers I require to find enjoyment in anything I do”. Also “Lite” isn’t even spelled correctly.

4. “Can you hear me now?” (Verizon) – You know your ad slogan has to bethisiswhathappensinvegas.JPG pretty horrible when an Internet comedy writers feels weird about even continuing to make fun of it because lambasting how infuriatingly annoying it is has actually become hacky in its own right. So yes, we hear you, now please shut the f*ck up.

3. “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas” (Las Vegas) - The unmitigated bullsh*t underlying this claim is almost as obnoxious and annoying as the people who actually believe it (or worse, say it). You know what happens in Vegas? Drunk douchebags spending money they don’t really have pretending to be rich in order pick up girls, and when that doesn’t work, just binge-drinking themselves into a “date rapey” frame of mind. And guess what? lovinitseriously.jpgThose people DON’T stay in Vegas. They come home, sit next to you at work, and won’t shut up for weeks about how far “off the chain” their whole weekend supposedly was.

2. “I’m Lovin’ It” (McDonald’s) – Since when has anyone over the age of 7 actually LOVED anything they put in their mouth that came from McDonald’s? Even for an ad jingle’s wazzupbudad.jpgforced positivity, this is really f*cking stretching it. More appropriate slogans might be, “I’m Eatin’ It” or “I’m Joylessly Chewin’ What’s In My Mouth Because I Lacked The Time Or the Finances To Find Any Better Dining Option”.

1. “Wazzzuuup?” (Budweiser) – Having finally arrived at the realization that people are going to drink beer no matter what anyone says or does, which makes a beer commercial’s words, thoughts and ideas completely unnecessary, Budweiser finally threw their hands in the air and just gave us a bunch of black dudes yelling two-syllable nonsense noises at each other for thirty seconds or so.

As always, leave your own suggestions in the comments!


The Top 10 Reasons Clowns Are Scary

CLOWN LIST Killer Klowns.jpgIt’s official: Children hate clowns. A recent study that quizzed 250 children in a pediatric hospital ward found that all 250 of them were afraid of the various clown imagery that decorated the wing. As though terminal illness wasn’t enough. Penny Curtis, a professor who worked on the study, is quoted as saying “We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable.”

So what is it about clowns that is so damn terrifying? We decided to find out. Hence, we’d like to present Best Week Ever‘s Top 10 Things That Make Clowns Scary.

10. Big Feet. You know what they say about men with big feet? They have big tendencies to stab you in the face while you sleep. They also have gigantic snow white penises. Gigantic snow white penises Think about it.

9. All Movies Written About Killer Clowns are Probably Based on True Stories. In all seriousness, there was probably at one time or another a heroin-addicted clown named Shakes who was also, strangely, Bob Goldthwait. And what else happens in Derry, Maine if not for a child-killing clown named It? But perhaps no movie was more scarring to the reputation of clowns than the 1988 classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space, a likely true story about puke-inducing alien clowns with pointy teeth and evil eyes who trap their victims in cotton candy cocoons. If ever a movie scarred my small, child brain at the age of 7, it was KK from OS.

8. Grown Men with Freckles Painted on Their Face is Inherently Terrifying. Enough said.

CLOWN LIST GRANDMA.jpg7. Most Clowns Are Alcoholics and Urinate Everywhere. Tell-tale sign number one that most to all clowns are alkies? They have humongous flame red bulbous noses. Tell-tale sign number two that most clowns are probably hitting the sauce with a green-gloved fist? Wouldn’t you bathe in apple-tinis if your entire life was based around living a paint-faced lie? And as far as urinating everywhere is concerned, I’m pretty sure circuses don’t have working toilets for a reason. Luckily, because clowns sh*t cotton candy, going number 2 behind a Chevy Pick-up is never really much of a problem.

6. Hyuk Hyuk Laughter. Who the f**k laughs like that? Seriously, have you ever heard a normal, mentally sane person emit a laugh that sounds like their starting the engine of a Model T car? No, really, other than Goofy – who is a 6 foot tall animated Disney Dog who wears pants — I’m pretty sure no human being “Hyuk Hyuk”‘s their way through an episode of Seinfeld, you read me?

CLOWN LIST NIGHTMARE.jpg5. They Wear Onesies. What sort of baby-ass infantile diaper-fetish craziness is that all about?

4. Clowns Molest People. If you weren’t aware that clowns molest people, do yourself a favor and add the creepumentary Capturing the Friedmans to you Netflix queue.

3. They Can’t Afford More Than 1 Car. Judging by the clowns mode of transportation — a Volkswagen Bug or Serbian-style two-seater that magically fits the driver and 8,000 of his rainbow-colored pals — it appears that clowns don’t actually earn a real living. They can’t even afford the kind of car homeless stoners drive! Meaning that clowns, for whatever reason, choose to do the devil’s work for pittance. Pittance! Which might go to explain why clowns eat their dinner directly out of the can of baked beans instead of a bowl, and why they sometimes use their hands instead of the classier “wooden spoon”.

2. That Red Paint Around Their Lips? The blood of the elderly. That, or fire-engine red lipstick. Either way, creepskies!

CLOWN LIST Gacy.jpg1. John Wayne Gacy, or Clowns Will Kill You and Bury You Under Their House. Killer Klowns from Outer Space aside, John Wayne Gacy is, gigantic inflatable hands down, the scariest thing to ever happen within the clown community. Gacy murdered 33 teenagers in his town and buried 31 of those bodies under his house. And, according to Gacy’s wiki page (Warning: Do not read after 5 PM), “He said he used his clown act as an alter ego, once sardonically saying that ‘A clown can get away with murder.'” (throat clear) A CLOWN CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER!!!

Honorable Mention: Insane Clown Posse.
Terrifying, no doubt. But ever since The Arsenio Hall Show, we just can’t take the word “posse” seriously anymore.

Feel free to add your own personal stories about nightmare clowns in the comments. And in unrelated news, I have to go pour bleach into my earholes to erase all the clown thoughts pouring through my brainfolds.