Lists

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Top 25 Athletes In Bewildering Uniforms

With Brett Favre headed to the Jets less than a week after Ken Griffey Jr. joined the White Sox and Manny Ramirez packed his bags for Los Angeles, now is as good a time as any to take a look back at some images of star athletes clad in absolutely bewildering uniforms. From career footnotes to impossible defections, here’s our list of the Top 25 Most Bewildering Athlete / Uniform Combos.

25. Shaquille O’Neal, Phoenix Suns

The up-tempo, run n’ gun offense finally got their man.

Shaq

24. Wade Boggs, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Yes, he took some flack for signing with the Yankees after playing with the Red Sox, but at least both of those were official, accredited sporting organizations.

Boggs

23. Ken Stabler, New Orleans Saints

Too bad he retired long before the concept of “Fantasy Football” and “garbage yards.”

Stabler

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The Top 10 Most Annoyingly British Commercials

There’s nothing like a good ol’ super-British commercial on U.S. tv to simultaneously stereotype the sh*t out of our brethren across the Atlantic and to impress/intrigue Americans with characters that are probably more intelligent than us regardless of how exaggeratedly goofy they are. After one-too-many views of the Cheer “Fight For The Bright!” ad campaign, my mind finally snapped, and I’ve taken my frustration out the only way I know how — with a list of the Top 10 the Most Annoyingly British Commercials. Cheers!

10. Time Warner – “Sir Charge”

We need some more B-roll of you being frivolous with money, Sir Charge — what if you throw some 20s in a cup of tea then pour the tea into a pipe and smoke it through your bowler hat and yell “tally ho”?

9. Red Bull

He only gave the Red Bull to the rowers on the right side of the boat? There is no right side of the boat. He gave it to their right arms? I am confused. Britishness.

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50 Animals Squashed Against Glass

You know what’s funny? When someone presses their face against a pane of glass. (Ed. Note: It can also be disgusting.) You know what’s much more hilarious? When animals do the same thing. This post is mostly inspired by the work of a California basset hound named Mr. Hambleypants, and his owner Susan, who takes endless amounts of genius photographs of Hambley furiously licking the backdoor of their home in an effort to be let inside. Thanks to the two of them, I spent the better part of hundreds of hours scouring the internet for the 50 best photographs of animals distorting their faces against panes of glass. And I bring them to you here, in a list I’m calling 50 Animals Squashed Against Glass. You’ll notice that lil’ Hambley P makes more than a single appearance… Feel free to add him as your Myspace friend.

50. BASSETHOUND 5.JPG

49. CAT SQUISHED2.JPG

48. DOG LICK 67.jpg

After the jump: 47 MORE ANIMALS with their faces squashed against glass. Seriously.

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Sunday Weepies: The Most Depressed Cartoon Characters

Cathy-AckAs a wee child I remember spending every Sunday poring over the lively colored newspaper, reading up on my kid comedy that was ‘the funny papers’. As an obsessive compulsive lad I forced myself to read all the hilarity laden newsprint, (and still in my childhood mind wondered why I was reading every episode of the Family Circus…possibly the most uneventful comic on the planet). Still those stories stick in my mind today and color the fabric of our society more than we know – how many Dilbert calendars have you seen posted in an office to boost morale? Wow, his life really is like ours. Oh man, how booooring! Water cooler anyone?

But just as we’ve lauged with these cartoon characters in their lives, so we must cry with the reality that they live in in their little watercolored worlds. (Or waterCOOLERED worlds – Dilbert again anyone?) So we here at BWE.tv present to you our SHORT LIST OF DEPRESSED COMIC CHARACTERS:

Cartoon 2.jpg5. Andy Capp

Andy Capp is not so much depressed as he is a drunk. That is actually the entire concept of this comic strip. Andy, who is Irish of course, is a lovable old drunk who misses appointments, falls down, steals drinks from friends, and ends up being a loveable screw up. Just like that show Intervention but a little more kid friendly. The only way Andy can possibly keep up this life of drinking, burping, and wandering about with stars circling his head is by the residuals that his Andy Capp’s Hot Fries fortune must be generating in snack machines all over 1987.

Cartoon 3.jpg4. The Lockhorns

Continuing the Sunday laugh ride is colored newsprints’ most disfunctional couple. I remember wondering when to laugh as I read through their trainwreck relationship as Leroy would smugly comment on how Loretta “burned the roast again” and then eye a blonde at the bar who had no eyes because her bangs were drawn over them. Comically frumpy Loretta would scour Leroy with burning looks as they openly talked about divorce and how marriage is a better option because it’s cheaper. Wow can I go out and play baseball? And never get married when I grow up to avoid this sadness?

Cartoon 7.jpg3. Ziggy

Ziggy is on the other side of depression and probably on some sort of anti-depressant. He hangs out with a dog and goes from confusion to tame smile. In some comics he was even visited by aliens. Clearly this was all in his lithium soaked mind. Also, he looks like Uncle Fester. Or a young Matt Pinfield. Clearly, crazy.

Cartoon 6.jpg2. Cathy

Poor woman. Cathy is an early 30′s single cat-lady, addicted to chocolate, and a knack for screaming her frustrated catchphrase, “Ack!” Probably best portrayed by Tina Fey as Liz Lemon on 30 Rock, Cathy would be seen today sprucing up her Facebook page with self descriptions like “crazy!”, and “random”, but not “prone to falling asleep face down in a bag of Hershey’s Pot o’ Gold”.

JonArbuckle1. John Arbuckle

Maybe the worst of the list, Arbuckle spends most of his time in his home suffering through failed relationships, a dead end job, and moaning to his two closest friends, a dim dog and the world’s snarkiest cat, Garfield (Garfield could possibly win his own spot on the list for his massive addiction to comfort food). Arbuckle is the scariest on the list because he represents what lurks in apartments all over America – the young defeated single male. It’s like Edward Norton in Fight Club – except instead of talking to and slugging it out with a soap making Brad Pitt, Jon is arguing with and losing to a fat lasagna throwing cat. I’m sorry, Jon. See the depths of a crazed and alone Jon Arbuckle at Garfield Minus Garfield – a genius blog that removes Garfield and leaves Jon on his own to show how crazy he can look. And leave us any other emotionally wrecked comic strip characters in the comments!

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The 20 Hottest Possible Threesomes In TV History

John Mayer has been spending a lot of time with Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox these days, and that got us to thinking (we’re very divergent thinkers) — if you could participate in a ménage à trois with two characters from any show in tv history, who would you pick?

Here’s our list of twenty tv threesome options, ranked by a combination of the pair’s overall hotness and their cultural notoriety, each out of a possible ten points. We’re very scientific when it comes to banging the Golden Girls.

Gilligans

20. Mary Ann and Ginger (Gilligan’s Island)

Hotness: 5. Or Gilligan & The Skipper… laaaadies??

Notoriety: 5. A bit on the selfish side, given that there’s only three women on the island and one of them is in her sixties (but loaded).

Overall: 10. If they remade this show nowadays, this would definitely be the pilot episode. And all subsequent episodes.

Grey's

19. Izzie & Gray (Grey’s Anatomy)

Hotness: 5.5. You would have to pay attention to Ellen Pompeo at some point, though.

Notoriety: 6. Might be fun, until a patient dies on the floor next to the surgical table you’re using as a bed.

Overall: 11.5. Just don’t get too attached, or your aftermath may begin to resemble a joyless romantic comedy.

The Hills

18. Audrina and Whitney (The Hills)

Hotness: 7.5. Just as hot as LC and Heidi, but we haven’t seen them enough to confirm that they’re completely devoid of humanity.

Notoriety: 5. Although, in Audrina’s case, the mystery’s sort of gone.

Overall: 12.5. The MTV reality-stars might be a bit out of their element without nine jump cuts a second and a bunch of songs that make college students feel old.

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Top 12 TV Shows That Overstayed Their Welcome

Before you rip on ABC for renewing “Desperate Housewives” for another season and picking up “Scrubs” from NBC, take a lesson in television shark-jumping history — BWE.tv celebrates the 2008 tv renewal season with the following list of 12 TV Shows That Very Obviously Overstayed Their Welcome:

That 70s Show
12. That 70s Show

Aired: 1998-2006

Number Of Episodes: 200

Wore Out Its Welcome: The show initially takes place in the year 1976 but stays on the air for eight years, meaning that at some point, the space-time continuum is slowed to keep the decade theme intact.

Wore Out Its Welcome Again: Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher both leave the cast in 2005, but the producers feel obligated to satisfactorily conclude the complex Red / Hyde subplot.

On The Other Hand: I don’t care if it takes eight years, dag blastit, we’re gonna convince people that Laura Prepon is hot!

Zachary Ty Brian11. Home Improvement

Aired: 1991-1999

Number Of Episodes: 204

Wore Out Its Welcome: Jonathan Taylor Thomas leaves the cast for Hollywood to focus on turning Man of the House into a blockbuster franchise.

Wore Out Its Welcome Again: In the show’s final season, the Mark character goes goth, and Brad (who is now 6’8″, 290) gets caught with pot, though the heavyhanded DUI episode is scrapped after Tim Allen gets a DUI in real life (no joke).

On The Other Hand: Did you know this show was still on the air when “The Matrix” came out?

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Top 10 Most Questionable Stars On The Hollywood Walk Of Fame

Sean “Diddy” Combs’ many years of saying things in recording studios and occupying club booths finally culminated this week with his very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, but before we go ahead and criticize the Hollywood Sidewalk Star-Awarding Committee for lowering their standards, let’s take a quick look at some other slightly shaky Stars on the Walk of Fame:

Franz
10. Dennis Franz

Dishing out stars based on one starring role in one buzz-generating primetime tv show sets a tough precedent; what about stars for James Gandolfini, David Duchovny, Candace Bergen, or frickin’ Jerry Seinfeld? And if we’re nominating Franz for his pioneering work in male nudity on non-paid television, then surely we have to let the entire cast of Nip/Tuck stick their asses into a slab of cement too, right?

Lando
9. Billy Dee Williams

Miiiiight have jumped the gun on this one a little bit, Hollywood. Granted, the star came years before any domestic violence charges, and if you took away all the stars from people with spousal or substance abuse problems, you’d be left with just a full block of Fibber McGee and Molly. But why does Lando have a star and Luke, Leia, Chewy, and frickin’ James Earl Jones don’t? Or Wedge, for that matter?

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10 Alternate Titles For Darryl Strawberry’s New Autobiography, “Straw”

Strawberry1. “Mirror”

2. “Razor”

3. “Credit Card”

4. “Rolled-Up Dollar Bill”

5. “Burnt Spoon”

6. “Pipe Not For Tobacco”

7. “Angry Conversation With Dwight Gooden”

8. “Club Bathroom Stall”

9. “What Do You Mean, ‘Doubleheader?’ This Should Be Interesting.”

10. “Pile Of Cocaine”

(AP)

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Top 10 Greatest Rhymes In The Aerosmith Song “Pink”

Pink Aerosmith10. Pink – it’s the color of passion / Ah, ’cause today it just goes with the fashion

9. Pink – it’s my new obsession / Pink – it’s not even a question

8. Yeah, Pink – when I turn out the light / And Pink gets me high as a kite

7.I, I want to be your lover / I, I wanna wrap you in rubber

6. Pink – as the bing on your cherry / Pink – ’cause you are so very

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20 Pickup Lines For People Wearing Keyboard Pants

Keyboard Pants

1. So, you decide: ENTER or ALT ENTER?

2. Careful, these don’t come with a pop-up blocker.

3. The enter key doesn’t work so well, you have to push it really hard.

4. What do you say we CTR+ALT+DELETE ourselves out of this place?

5. Hey baby, do you play the keytar? This is just like it except it’s my pants.

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