Lists

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10 Futuristic Movies That Are Already Dated

From space colonization to time travel to self-aware computers, we can always count on futuristic movies to overestimate the speed of human progress and self-destruction, allowing us to laugh with 20/20 hindsight at filmmakers who just couldn’t bear the thought of setting their movies more than a decade in the future. The following are ten movies that stand out in the “did they really think this was gonna happen?” department, ranked from 10 to 1 in a completely non-arbitrary order of least-to-most humorously far off.

Stranger Days

10. Strange Days

Takes Place In: 1999

What We Don’t Have Yet: Bootlegged minidiscs that play transmissions from the human cerebral cortex; Popular minidiscs; Secret LAPD “Death Squad”

Verdict: Though the prospect of Ralph Fiennes sporting full-time scruff may not seem too farfetched, we all know the LAPD Death Squad dissolved the day after Biggie’s death.

Demolition Man

9. Demolition Man

Takes Place In: Mostly mid-21st century, but opens in 1996

What We Don’t Have Yet: Cryo-prisons; Public desire to invent, impliment cryo-prisons

Verdict: While we do know that freezing prisoners was not standard practice in 1996, we do not yet know if all songs in the future will be commercial jingles, the only restaurant will be goofy art-deco Taco Bell, or if the future of free humanity will rest with Dennis Leary. I predict Yes to all three.

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Top 10 Tips For Writing An Awesomely Funny Top 10 List On The Internet

top-ten-gold.jpgI feel confident in saying that BWE.tv has firmly established itself as one of the Internet’s finest purveyors of posts in which things are catalogued, placed into groups of 10, listed and presented in a humorous manner. But while these posts seem like Internet meme lay-ups, there’s actually an art and a craft that goes into writing them, as I will now demonstrate. Ladies and gentlemen, here are my Top 10 Tips For Writing An Awesomely Funny Top 10 List on the Internet

10. You must include the crucial phrase “Top 10″ in the headline of whatever you’re writing on the Internet. If you don’t write this, and you put something on the Internet, nobody will read it or care. Your headline must also include some variation on the words “Awesome”, “Funny” or “Ridiculous”. Preferably all of them. The perfect headline would be “Top 10 Funniest, Most Awesomely Ridiculous Things You Remember From The 80′s”. That’s practically guaranteed to get Dugg about eleventy bajillion times.

9. You must pick some kind of topical event to which you can make a tenuous connection in your premise. You can’t just start listing off the “Top 10 Cartoons From Our Childhood That Should Also Be Made Into Movies” all willy-nilly, you’ve got to set that up with some kind of current cultural event that makes your list relevant (even if it’s not really that patrick-swayze01_0.jpgsolid). Like so: “Now that Tranformers came our last year and there’s this G.I. Joe movie I heard they’re making, here are 10 More Cartoons From Our Childhood that Should Also Be Made Into Movies”. See how that works?

8. You must build your premise around a really obscure question that no one would otherwise think or care about being answered. Who ARE the Top 10 Greatest Character Actors Who Played Ninjas? I have no idea! Why don’t you tell me!?!

7. Write brief blurbs humorously describing why you’ve chosen to include each item on the list. Your insane rationalizations for why you’ve chosen to include the various components of the list is the primary reason why it’s funny.

See the rest, after the jump!

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The Top 10 Best 1980s Cable Access Moments Ever

CABLE ACcEsSS PICS.jpgLadies and gentlemen, you might now know it yet, but today is a glorious day. It’s the kind of day that makes you want to strap on your best dance shoes, brush the dust off your best glitter-fringed sleeves, and tap your way down main street, thanking God for the one thing that binds us as a people: The Internet. Because today is the day — at least for us — that we discovered “Stairway to Stardom“, the most ingenious 1980′s era cable access show to ever grace your wood-paneled Zenith TV.

Based in the New York area, and hosted by the lovable Frank Masi, the show featured local residents who wanted to just show the world all the talent they had been bottling up for so long, or those residents who wanted to scar their children for life. Either way, win/win for us new millennium viewers, who get to reap the kitschy benefits through the genius of the internet. What follows are the Top 10 Best Stairway to Stardom Performances… and by best, do we mean worst? Let’s just say, if you liked the girl playing Star Wars on the Trumpet, you will LOVE the following clips. And if you think you’ve seen them all, we’re guessing you haven’t.

Ed. Note: I have ranked these in the order of how many aneurysm tears my coworkers and I wept while watching these together, from least, to most, except for #10, which we’re using to bait you.

10. Here is the brilliant Gloria Huddle, singing The Manhattan Transfer’s “Operator”. If Gwyneth Paltrow had been raised in the deepest parts of Brooklyn, we guess her British accent would sound something like this (i.e.: Incredible):

9. Ever wonder what the Thriller video would like if performed by a less-than-athletic woman in a nude bodysuit who is addicted to thrusting her crotch out every 2 seconds? Let’s just say if Michael Jackson were a hetero black man, he would love the following dancer, Lola Perazzo:

Follow-up to the above video: OH MY GOD, SHE IS ONLY 13!!! Apologies for all that crotch-thrusting talk, but seriously, she’s gotta be 30.

After the cut, The Top 8 Best 80′s Cable Access Moments Ever…

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The 10 Dumbest Ad Slogans Of All Time

yoquierodog.jpgWatching last night’s Super Bowl commercials, I realized that the glorious heyday of the ad slogan catchphrase died sometime in the 90′s, and has been replaced almost completely (Dunkin Donuts’ “Doing Things Is What I Like To Do…YES!” being the last intolerable vestige of this lost art form) by ads whose intended appeal is found mostly in their irony-drenched absurdity (A head-shrinker at a car dealership!?! Hey, he’s not supposed to be there!). Determining whether the new contrived wackiness is worse than the old excruciatingly repetitive catchphrases is a moot point because all commercials are just sucky lies to trick you into buying crap that you don’t actually need, but for posterity’s sake, I’ve decided to commemorate what I’ve determined to be the 10 Dumbest Ad Slogans Of All Time.

10. “Yo Quiero Taco Bell (Taco Bell)” – What do you do when your make7upyours.jpgprocessed stomach poison bears about as much resemblance to real Mexican food as pasta sauce poured over hot garbage? Put a little Spanish 101 into your ad slogan and have an ethnically stereotyped Chihuahua say it over and over so the stoners who actually eat your slop can amuse themselves by going “Yo Quiero, bro” while they shove gorditas down their gullets.

9. “Make 7-Up Yours” (7-Up) - Well 7-Up, I would say that your experiment to see what happens when you let a 5 year-old write ad copy failed miserably. So I guess I’m wondering why you chose to make a sh*tty playground pun the centerpiece of your entire marketing campaign for, what was it like, like six years?

8. “How else can two months’ salary last forever?” (De Beers) - Um I dunno, camelwalker.jpghow about using it to secure your family’s financial future by finding an investment with a little more longterm growth potential than pretty shiny rocks mined by child slaves?

7. “I’d walk a mile for a Camel” (Camel Cigarettes) – No you wouldn’t, Luke Camelwalker. Since you have emphysema after years of chain-smoking, walking is pretty tough on account of the fact that you now need to be rolled around in a wheelchair with the air tank that’s connected to the smoke hole in your trachea. You still look like Joe Cool, though.

6. “Betcha can’t eat just one” (Lays Potato Chips) – Yeah, come on, Fatty McDudetits – eat some more potato chips! We f*cking DARE YOU. Betcha can’t keep your cholesterol at a manageable level! Betcha can’t make it to forty before having your fourth heart attack! Come on, you p*ssy, eat some more of our chips! HONORABLE MENTIONS: “Once You Pop You Can’t Stop” (Pringles), “Crunch All You Want, We’ll Make More” (Doritos).

5. “Tastes Great, Less Filling” (Miller Lite) – Since when have the kind of millerlite3dtastegreatsign.jpgpeople who drink Miller Lite given a sh*t about things like flavor or how full they feel while binge-drinking? Yes, back in the 80′s sports bars must have been abuzz with wasted superfans belching and saying things like “You know, Miller Lits really doesn’t have the sophisticated flavor profile of High Life, and feels a bit flat on my palette. Also my tummy is so full!” A far more effective slogan might have sounded something like “Tastes enough like water to suck down the 24 or so beers I require to find enjoyment in anything I do”. Also “Lite” isn’t even spelled correctly.

4. “Can you hear me now?” (Verizon) – You know your ad slogan has to bethisiswhathappensinvegas.JPG pretty horrible when an Internet comedy writers feels weird about even continuing to make fun of it because lambasting how infuriatingly annoying it is has actually become hacky in its own right. So yes, we hear you, now please shut the f*ck up.

3. “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas” (Las Vegas) - The unmitigated bullsh*t underlying this claim is almost as obnoxious and annoying as the people who actually believe it (or worse, say it). You know what happens in Vegas? Drunk douchebags spending money they don’t really have pretending to be rich in order pick up girls, and when that doesn’t work, just binge-drinking themselves into a “date rapey” frame of mind. And guess what? lovinitseriously.jpgThose people DON’T stay in Vegas. They come home, sit next to you at work, and won’t shut up for weeks about how far “off the chain” their whole weekend supposedly was.

2. “I’m Lovin’ It” (McDonald’s) – Since when has anyone over the age of 7 actually LOVED anything they put in their mouth that came from McDonald’s? Even for an ad jingle’s wazzupbudad.jpgforced positivity, this is really f*cking stretching it. More appropriate slogans might be, “I’m Eatin’ It” or “I’m Joylessly Chewin’ What’s In My Mouth Because I Lacked The Time Or the Finances To Find Any Better Dining Option”.

1. “Wazzzuuup?” (Budweiser) – Having finally arrived at the realization that people are going to drink beer no matter what anyone says or does, which makes a beer commercial’s words, thoughts and ideas completely unnecessary, Budweiser finally threw their hands in the air and just gave us a bunch of black dudes yelling two-syllable nonsense noises at each other for thirty seconds or so.

As always, leave your own suggestions in the comments!

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The Top 10 Reasons Clowns Are Scary

CLOWN LIST Killer Klowns.jpgIt’s official: Children hate clowns. A recent study that quizzed 250 children in a pediatric hospital ward found that all 250 of them were afraid of the various clown imagery that decorated the wing. As though terminal illness wasn’t enough. Penny Curtis, a professor who worked on the study, is quoted as saying “We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable.”

So what is it about clowns that is so damn terrifying? We decided to find out. Hence, we’d like to present Best Week Ever‘s Top 10 Things That Make Clowns Scary.

10. Big Feet. You know what they say about men with big feet? They have big tendencies to stab you in the face while you sleep. They also have gigantic snow white penises. Gigantic snow white penises Think about it.

9. All Movies Written About Killer Clowns are Probably Based on True Stories. In all seriousness, there was probably at one time or another a heroin-addicted clown named Shakes who was also, strangely, Bob Goldthwait. And what else happens in Derry, Maine if not for a child-killing clown named It? But perhaps no movie was more scarring to the reputation of clowns than the 1988 classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space, a likely true story about puke-inducing alien clowns with pointy teeth and evil eyes who trap their victims in cotton candy cocoons. If ever a movie scarred my small, child brain at the age of 7, it was KK from OS.

8. Grown Men with Freckles Painted on Their Face is Inherently Terrifying. Enough said.

CLOWN LIST GRANDMA.jpg7. Most Clowns Are Alcoholics and Urinate Everywhere. Tell-tale sign number one that most to all clowns are alkies? They have humongous flame red bulbous noses. Tell-tale sign number two that most clowns are probably hitting the sauce with a green-gloved fist? Wouldn’t you bathe in apple-tinis if your entire life was based around living a paint-faced lie? And as far as urinating everywhere is concerned, I’m pretty sure circuses don’t have working toilets for a reason. Luckily, because clowns sh*t cotton candy, going number 2 behind a Chevy Pick-up is never really much of a problem.

6. Hyuk Hyuk Laughter. Who the f**k laughs like that? Seriously, have you ever heard a normal, mentally sane person emit a laugh that sounds like their starting the engine of a Model T car? No, really, other than Goofy – who is a 6 foot tall animated Disney Dog who wears pants — I’m pretty sure no human being “Hyuk Hyuk”‘s their way through an episode of Seinfeld, you read me?

CLOWN LIST NIGHTMARE.jpg5. They Wear Onesies. What sort of baby-ass infantile diaper-fetish craziness is that all about?

4. Clowns Molest People. If you weren’t aware that clowns molest people, do yourself a favor and add the creepumentary Capturing the Friedmans to you Netflix queue.

3. They Can’t Afford More Than 1 Car. Judging by the clowns mode of transportation — a Volkswagen Bug or Serbian-style two-seater that magically fits the driver and 8,000 of his rainbow-colored pals — it appears that clowns don’t actually earn a real living. They can’t even afford the kind of car homeless stoners drive! Meaning that clowns, for whatever reason, choose to do the devil’s work for pittance. Pittance! Which might go to explain why clowns eat their dinner directly out of the can of baked beans instead of a bowl, and why they sometimes use their hands instead of the classier “wooden spoon”.

2. That Red Paint Around Their Lips? The blood of the elderly. That, or fire-engine red lipstick. Either way, creepskies!

CLOWN LIST Gacy.jpg1. John Wayne Gacy, or Clowns Will Kill You and Bury You Under Their House. Killer Klowns from Outer Space aside, John Wayne Gacy is, gigantic inflatable hands down, the scariest thing to ever happen within the clown community. Gacy murdered 33 teenagers in his town and buried 31 of those bodies under his house. And, according to Gacy’s wiki page (Warning: Do not read after 5 PM), “He said he used his clown act as an alter ego, once sardonically saying that ‘A clown can get away with murder.’” (throat clear) A CLOWN CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER!!!

Honorable Mention: Insane Clown Posse.
Terrifying, no doubt. But ever since The Arsenio Hall Show, we just can’t take the word “posse” seriously anymore.

Feel free to add your own personal stories about nightmare clowns in the comments. And in unrelated news, I have to go pour bleach into my earholes to erase all the clown thoughts pouring through my brainfolds.

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The 10 Least Sexy Nude Scenes In Movie History

Beowulf10. Angelina Jolie in “Beowulf”

Remember when all those crazy RESTRICTED “Beowulf” trailers of naked Angelina Jolie leaked to the internet, and just as everyone who never thought to type “Angelina Jolie Gia” into Google was preparing to go nuts, we soon learned that “Naked Angelina Jolie” actually meant “Naked Dragon Woman Thing From Rejected Pixar Film?” It’d be like if a movie came out billing “Pamela Anderson FINALLY gets naked!” and everyone dumb enough to be excited by it was treated to a CGI’d Pam Anderson-voiced unicorn character with rainbow-colored boobs. Which reminds me, I forgot to Netflix “Beowulf.”

Basic Instinct9. Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct 2″

Perhaps the most necessary sequel in cinematic history (besides “The Whole Ten Yards”), “Basic Instinct 2″ is a gripping, powerful tale about the inevitability of human aging and the overwhelming nature of denial. Sharon Stone is thoroughly convincing as the never-acclaimed lead actress who foolishly equates credibility with being naked a whole bunch of times, but her doctored, leathery flesh merely symbolizes the hopeless pursuit of eternal youth. Unfortunately, I feel like the critics didn’t fully appreciate this biting, cautionary tale.

13 Ghosts8. Shawna Loyer in “Thirteen Ghosts”

When HBO whips out the “Nudity” tag in a desperate attempt to trick your inner thirteen-year-old into sitting through more than two minutes of this piece-o’-junk horror remake, they should additionally mention that the naked individual in question isn’t softcore standby Shannon Elizabeth, or the acceptably attractive Embeth Davidtz, or even Tony “Whalec*ck” Shalhoub. Nope — nstead, you get to feast your libido upon naked, scraggly-haired, cut-up ghost woman! Can we make an agreement that if a naked ghost haunts someone in a future movie, they at least aren’t required to look like an aborted fetus? I think the movie “Ghost” gave me an unrealistic impression about how hot ghosts are.

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The 10 Most Inspiring Beards Of All Time

image3684696.jpgIn honor of the inspiring solidarity of Conan and Letterman and the rest of the Late Night TV hosts showing support for their striking writers by growing burly “strike beards” (not to mention my own facial hair preferences), I’ve decided to compile this historical list of the 10 Most Inspiring Beards Of All Time. Now these aren’t necessarily the people with the BEST beards, mind you – just the beard-enthusiasts whose face fur was so overwhelmingly beautiful and awesome, it actually inspired me, and made me wish I could grow a beard just like theirs.

alborlandbeard2.jpg10. Al Borland – Back in my younger, less cognitive years, I could reasonably have been described as a fan of Tim Allen’s alpha-male family sitcom Home Improvement. I am not proud of this. But in retrospect, I think what I enjoyed most about the program was not Tim’s neanderthal noise-making, JTT’s disarming adorableness, or even young Pam Anderson’s rack – it was the loyal sidekick in flannel, the magnificently bearded Master of Tools, Al Borland. And like Samson’s hair or Britney’s Red Bull, I believe Al’s true source of power, which helped him withstand the constant harassment of his moronic host pal, was his fuzzy beard. Like a lovable teddybear with a belt sander, Al always handled Tim’s latest life-threatening misadventures with the kind of pragmatic wisdom only a man with that beard could possess. Behind that beard hid a single man who still lived with his mother, but also a man who taught us that gentleness is next to manliness (and to choose our friends more carefully).

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9. Bob Ross – This Van Gogh of happy trees on TV was like a human Chia pet made completely out of zen, and at the very center of this centered being, was the trademark Jew-fro and corresponding salt and peppered face fur. But like one of his beautiful landscape paintings, in which the color and texture and light and shadow work together to create something of greater and more profound beauty, I like to think of Bob’s whole above-shoulders “head and face” hair ensemble as one big beautiful beard. Not only was this look unmistakable and inspiring, it was a true American masterpiece.

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8. Blackbeard the Pirate – Since they didn’t have digital cameras or Google Image Search back in the olden days of pirates, we don’t really have any idea what this guy looks like, but come on, how many other people in human history do we know who’ve been remembered first and foremost by a description of their beard? The picture above, while illustrated, is the closest thing we have to a picture of Blackbeard, and just look at that thing. It’s scary black snake-like dreadlocks clearly inspired that octopus-face guy from Pirates of the Caribbean, not to mention the fact that there’s f*cking SMOKE coming out from the side of his beard. Blackbeard’s beard was so badass it apparently needed coal to fuel it. Very inspiring, though considering our current global climate, my own beard is a hybrid.

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7. ZZ Top – These guys have always been a mystery to me, because despite having pretty good songs, for some reason they decided, “F*ck it, we’re gonna be the dudes with the beards.” Now that being said, one cannot have a legitimate discussion of facial hair without acknowledging their achievements in the form. I mean, they’re like the International Beard Mascots, and whatever they may lack in style is more than made up for in both size and sheer commitment to the overarching idea of the beard. Except they should kick that other hair-lacking nancy boy out of the band.

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6. Kenny Rogers – When I see older pictures of Kenny Rogers and his beard, I want to gaze far into the West, and sing “The Gambler” through a mouthful of roasted chicken until I get tired, then buy a new face.

Find out #’s 5 – 1, after the jump!

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The Top 19 Underrated Movies You Should See in 2008

UNDERRATED TRavolta.jpgThe #1 movie on this here list inspired me to put together a list of the Top 19 Underrated Movies You Should See in 2008. Chances are, you’ve all seen a handful of these, but it always comes as a shock as to which movies people just do not give due credit to. Please note: The following list focuses on movies from 1980 and on, save for #19, which I could not help but including. Be sure to add your favorite underrated films in the comments!

19. The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
4 Steps to Realizing that John Travolta‘s Classic Film The Boy in the Plastic Bubble is one of the Best Movies Ever: Step 1: Gather a group of 5 or more people together. Step 2: Get high. Step 3: Pop in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble DVD (available for $3 at Wal-Mart, trust me.) Step 4: Turn the sound off. Step 5: Laugh for a million years. Let’s put it this way: Travolta wears short shorts and his girlfriend jumps his bubble with a horse. Read more of why this is the Most Underrated Movie Ever here.

UNDERRATED Fievel.jpg18. An American Tail. One of my favorite animated movies from the 80s, primarily because the main character, a small Russian mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz, was the only animated Jewish person (or animal) I had come to know and love as a child (Gonzo not included.) And yet, you never hear about this movie! Clearly, an anti-semitical conspiracy. Somewhere out there, An American Tail Betamax tape is crying itself to sleep.

17. Wonder Boys. Based on the equally enjoyable novel by Michael Chabon, Wonder Boys is one of the most enjoyable comedies of the decade, and probably Tobey Maguire‘s best movie ever. Keep in mind it was the only English-speaking movie playing in Hungary when I lived there during college, but still — that line about paprika on Errol Flynn‘s shvanz? El Oh El. And while Robert Downey Jr. is amazing in this movie, it just can’t compare with his underrated performance in….

UNDERRATED Downey.jpg16. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. It almost feels like nobody saw this hilarious movie written and directed by Shane Black, the mastermind behind the Lethal Weapon series. Robert Downey Jr. is as delectable as a Marzipan Robert Downey Jr., and Val Kilmer plays a hilaaaaarious gay detective. Must see!

15. Flirting with Disaster. If armpits make you uneasy, do NOT check out this hysterical comedy and dare I say best movie from the mind of David O. Russell. The movie features a pre-handsome and mega-hilare Ben Stiller, a gay Josh Brolin, and the comedic prowess of the legendary Alan Alda, Lily Tomlin, Mary Tyler Moore, and George Segal. It’s also the only film that allowed Tea Leoni to flex her ingrained comedic talent. underrated stiller .jpgAnd yet, no one ever seems to remember this quirky and positively genius little piece of film. Not mentioned on this list but also a fantastic underrated film: The Daytrippers, an early film from the director of Superbad.

14. Terminator 3. Dare I say the best, if not handily most hilarious, of the entire Terminator Series? Schwarzenegger is totally in on the joke here, and it’s proof that that red robo eye of his does, in fact, wink.

MY BLUE HEAVEN.jpg13. My Blue Heaven. Truly a shame that this movie never got the recognition it deserved, as it’s only a little less funny than the best comedy of the 90s, My Cousin Vinny. Steve Martin butches it up as an ex-Mafia guy who is forced to join the witness protection program, only to discover a gaggle of his old Italian cronies living nearby. If that alone does not convince, let me continue listing cast members: Rick Moranis, Joan Cusack… not convinced? OK, I think the DVD costs, like 49 cents. So… (throat clear).

UNDERRATD ANIMAL FACES.jpg12. The Adventures of Milo & Otis. THE MOST ADORABLE CHILDREN’S MOVIE EVER MADE! R.I.P. Dudley Moore‘s accent.

11. Gattaca. It’s Jude Lawon wheels. Plus, Gore Vidal is in it. As my officemate put it, “It’s a good Ethan Hawke movie for people that don’t like Ethan Hawke.” And what’s not to like about a man whose mouth served as the inspiration for Teeth?

After the jump, The Top 10 Most Underrated Movies to Catch in 08! Click ahead.

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Final Best Of List: For 2008

From THE HATER — It may be the 4th day in January [gosh, already?] but this is one Best of 2008 list you don’t want to miss, and no, 2008 is not a typo. So much so, let’s say you can finally finish reading Best Of- lists for a whole year, after the jump, that is.

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