Lists

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The 10 Least Sexy Nude Scenes In Movie History

Beowulf10. Angelina Jolie in “Beowulf”

Remember when all those crazy RESTRICTED “Beowulf” trailers of naked Angelina Jolie leaked to the internet, and just as everyone who never thought to type “Angelina Jolie Gia” into Google was preparing to go nuts, we soon learned that “Naked Angelina Jolie” actually meant “Naked Dragon Woman Thing From Rejected Pixar Film?” It’d be like if a movie came out billing “Pamela Anderson FINALLY gets naked!” and everyone dumb enough to be excited by it was treated to a CGI’d Pam Anderson-voiced unicorn character with rainbow-colored boobs. Which reminds me, I forgot to Netflix “Beowulf.”

Basic Instinct9. Sharon Stone in “Basic Instinct 2″

Perhaps the most necessary sequel in cinematic history (besides “The Whole Ten Yards”), “Basic Instinct 2″ is a gripping, powerful tale about the inevitability of human aging and the overwhelming nature of denial. Sharon Stone is thoroughly convincing as the never-acclaimed lead actress who foolishly equates credibility with being naked a whole bunch of times, but her doctored, leathery flesh merely symbolizes the hopeless pursuit of eternal youth. Unfortunately, I feel like the critics didn’t fully appreciate this biting, cautionary tale.

13 Ghosts8. Shawna Loyer in “Thirteen Ghosts”

When HBO whips out the “Nudity” tag in a desperate attempt to trick your inner thirteen-year-old into sitting through more than two minutes of this piece-o’-junk horror remake, they should additionally mention that the naked individual in question isn’t softcore standby Shannon Elizabeth, or the acceptably attractive Embeth Davidtz, or even Tony “Whalec*ck” Shalhoub. Nope — nstead, you get to feast your libido upon naked, scraggly-haired, cut-up ghost woman! Can we make an agreement that if a naked ghost haunts someone in a future movie, they at least aren’t required to look like an aborted fetus? I think the movie “Ghost” gave me an unrealistic impression about how hot ghosts are.

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The 10 Most Inspiring Beards Of All Time

image3684696.jpgIn honor of the inspiring solidarity of Conan and Letterman and the rest of the Late Night TV hosts showing support for their striking writers by growing burly “strike beards” (not to mention my own facial hair preferences), I’ve decided to compile this historical list of the 10 Most Inspiring Beards Of All Time. Now these aren’t necessarily the people with the BEST beards, mind you – just the beard-enthusiasts whose face fur was so overwhelmingly beautiful and awesome, it actually inspired me, and made me wish I could grow a beard just like theirs.

alborlandbeard2.jpg10. Al Borland – Back in my younger, less cognitive years, I could reasonably have been described as a fan of Tim Allen’s alpha-male family sitcom Home Improvement. I am not proud of this. But in retrospect, I think what I enjoyed most about the program was not Tim’s neanderthal noise-making, JTT’s disarming adorableness, or even young Pam Anderson’s rack – it was the loyal sidekick in flannel, the magnificently bearded Master of Tools, Al Borland. And like Samson’s hair or Britney’s Red Bull, I believe Al’s true source of power, which helped him withstand the constant harassment of his moronic host pal, was his fuzzy beard. Like a lovable teddybear with a belt sander, Al always handled Tim’s latest life-threatening misadventures with the kind of pragmatic wisdom only a man with that beard could possess. Behind that beard hid a single man who still lived with his mother, but also a man who taught us that gentleness is next to manliness (and to choose our friends more carefully).

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9. Bob Ross – This Van Gogh of happy trees on TV was like a human Chia pet made completely out of zen, and at the very center of this centered being, was the trademark Jew-fro and corresponding salt and peppered face fur. But like one of his beautiful landscape paintings, in which the color and texture and light and shadow work together to create something of greater and more profound beauty, I like to think of Bob’s whole above-shoulders “head and face” hair ensemble as one big beautiful beard. Not only was this look unmistakable and inspiring, it was a true American masterpiece.

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8. Blackbeard the Pirate – Since they didn’t have digital cameras or Google Image Search back in the olden days of pirates, we don’t really have any idea what this guy looks like, but come on, how many other people in human history do we know who’ve been remembered first and foremost by a description of their beard? The picture above, while illustrated, is the closest thing we have to a picture of Blackbeard, and just look at that thing. It’s scary black snake-like dreadlocks clearly inspired that octopus-face guy from Pirates of the Caribbean, not to mention the fact that there’s f*cking SMOKE coming out from the side of his beard. Blackbeard’s beard was so badass it apparently needed coal to fuel it. Very inspiring, though considering our current global climate, my own beard is a hybrid.

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7. ZZ Top – These guys have always been a mystery to me, because despite having pretty good songs, for some reason they decided, “F*ck it, we’re gonna be the dudes with the beards.” Now that being said, one cannot have a legitimate discussion of facial hair without acknowledging their achievements in the form. I mean, they’re like the International Beard Mascots, and whatever they may lack in style is more than made up for in both size and sheer commitment to the overarching idea of the beard. Except they should kick that other hair-lacking nancy boy out of the band.

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6. Kenny Rogers – When I see older pictures of Kenny Rogers and his beard, I want to gaze far into the West, and sing “The Gambler” through a mouthful of roasted chicken until I get tired, then buy a new face.

Find out #’s 5 – 1, after the jump!

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The Top 19 Underrated Movies You Should See in 2008

UNDERRATED TRavolta.jpgThe #1 movie on this here list inspired me to put together a list of the Top 19 Underrated Movies You Should See in 2008. Chances are, you’ve all seen a handful of these, but it always comes as a shock as to which movies people just do not give due credit to. Please note: The following list focuses on movies from 1980 and on, save for #19, which I could not help but including. Be sure to add your favorite underrated films in the comments!

19. The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
4 Steps to Realizing that John Travolta‘s Classic Film The Boy in the Plastic Bubble is one of the Best Movies Ever: Step 1: Gather a group of 5 or more people together. Step 2: Get high. Step 3: Pop in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble DVD (available for $3 at Wal-Mart, trust me.) Step 4: Turn the sound off. Step 5: Laugh for a million years. Let’s put it this way: Travolta wears short shorts and his girlfriend jumps his bubble with a horse. Read more of why this is the Most Underrated Movie Ever here.

UNDERRATED Fievel.jpg18. An American Tail. One of my favorite animated movies from the 80s, primarily because the main character, a small Russian mouse named Fievel Mousekewitz, was the only animated Jewish person (or animal) I had come to know and love as a child (Gonzo not included.) And yet, you never hear about this movie! Clearly, an anti-semitical conspiracy. Somewhere out there, An American Tail Betamax tape is crying itself to sleep.

17. Wonder Boys. Based on the equally enjoyable novel by Michael Chabon, Wonder Boys is one of the most enjoyable comedies of the decade, and probably Tobey Maguire‘s best movie ever. Keep in mind it was the only English-speaking movie playing in Hungary when I lived there during college, but still — that line about paprika on Errol Flynn‘s shvanz? El Oh El. And while Robert Downey Jr. is amazing in this movie, it just can’t compare with his underrated performance in….

UNDERRATED Downey.jpg16. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. It almost feels like nobody saw this hilarious movie written and directed by Shane Black, the mastermind behind the Lethal Weapon series. Robert Downey Jr. is as delectable as a Marzipan Robert Downey Jr., and Val Kilmer plays a hilaaaaarious gay detective. Must see!

15. Flirting with Disaster. If armpits make you uneasy, do NOT check out this hysterical comedy and dare I say best movie from the mind of David O. Russell. The movie features a pre-handsome and mega-hilare Ben Stiller, a gay Josh Brolin, and the comedic prowess of the legendary Alan Alda, Lily Tomlin, Mary Tyler Moore, and George Segal. It’s also the only film that allowed Tea Leoni to flex her ingrained comedic talent. underrated stiller .jpgAnd yet, no one ever seems to remember this quirky and positively genius little piece of film. Not mentioned on this list but also a fantastic underrated film: The Daytrippers, an early film from the director of Superbad.

14. Terminator 3. Dare I say the best, if not handily most hilarious, of the entire Terminator Series? Schwarzenegger is totally in on the joke here, and it’s proof that that red robo eye of his does, in fact, wink.

MY BLUE HEAVEN.jpg13. My Blue Heaven. Truly a shame that this movie never got the recognition it deserved, as it’s only a little less funny than the best comedy of the 90s, My Cousin Vinny. Steve Martin butches it up as an ex-Mafia guy who is forced to join the witness protection program, only to discover a gaggle of his old Italian cronies living nearby. If that alone does not convince, let me continue listing cast members: Rick Moranis, Joan Cusack… not convinced? OK, I think the DVD costs, like 49 cents. So… (throat clear).

UNDERRATD ANIMAL FACES.jpg12. The Adventures of Milo & Otis. THE MOST ADORABLE CHILDREN’S MOVIE EVER MADE! R.I.P. Dudley Moore‘s accent.

11. Gattaca. It’s Jude Lawon wheels. Plus, Gore Vidal is in it. As my officemate put it, “It’s a good Ethan Hawke movie for people that don’t like Ethan Hawke.” And what’s not to like about a man whose mouth served as the inspiration for Teeth?

After the jump, The Top 10 Most Underrated Movies to Catch in 08! Click ahead.

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Final Best Of List: For 2008

From THE HATER — It may be the 4th day in January [gosh, already?] but this is one Best of 2008 list you don’t want to miss, and no, 2008 is not a typo. So much so, let’s say you can finally finish reading Best Of- lists for a whole year, after the jump, that is.

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The 8 Best Movies To Watch When You’re Hungover On January 1st

Rough New Year’s Eve? Look on the bright side — is there a better day to sit around doing nothing and watching a movie on tv you’ve seen 10,000 times than January 1st? Here’s our picks for the finest films to watch during an unproductive recovery-filled afternoon:

Fugitive8. The Fugitive

When this movie was made, did they have any idea how many alcohol-fractured minds it would end up mending? Did they intentionally shoot the action scenes so that when you watch them sideways and partially obscured by a couch pillow, they’re even more exciting? Did they force Joe Pantoliano to say “hoooolly sh*t” seven times so you’d be guaranteed to catch one no matter when you flipped to the channel? According to imdb, yes, yes, and yes.

7. Meet The Parents

One of the new classics with regard to hungover movie watching, partly aided by HBO agreeing to show it before, after, and during every other movie. One wacky situation after another, this movie will have you laughing exactly hard enough to forget about the throbbing pain in your ears without making you think hard enough to add to that pain, unlike, say, a movie like “The Naked Gun” would.

6. Mrs. Doubtfire

You know when you’re drunk, and it’s three am, and you’re absolutely starving, and someone hands you a slice of Vinnie’s pizza, and it’s the greatest food you or any other human has ever tasted, and you’re like “man, Vinnie’s Pizza is AWESOME”, then you go back there two weeks later and you’re like “this is just normal pizza, why did I think it was so great?” Well, “Mrs. Doubtfire” is nothing like that pizza. “Mrs. Doubtfire” is just an awesome movie.

Gilmore5. Happy Gilmore

You do know that if you watch a movie that you so innately associate with your pre-alcohol-drinking school days, it will instantly cure your hangovers, right? It’s a scientific fact that your brain cannot process the pain of a headache while you’re shouting “why don’t you just go to your HOME”, “just tap it in”, or getting beaten up by Bob Barker.

4. Billy Madison

See previous. Multiply by about 1.3.

3. Ghostbusters

We all know this movie by heart, we’ve all quoted it to death, and yet, every time you catch it on tv, you’ll laugh at a part you completely forgot about. Or, if your head’s hurting too much to handle sound, just watch it on mute and giggle as you’re reminded of one joke after another. Also, 80s movie rap is musical Advil.

2. Top Gun

Nothing like some Bruckheimer melodrama and inexplicable shirtless volleyball to homo-eroticize away that hangover. This film has joined the prized echelon alongside “The Godfather” and “The Wizard of Oz” in the sense that you’ve heard every line in it parodied so many times, that when they actually say the lines in the movie, you think to yourself “man, I can’t believe they actually used that trite, overdone line in this movie — ‘your ego’s writin’ checks your body can’t cash’ totally sounds like a line out of a Spongebob Episode where the guy from Top Gun does a guest voice.”

Major League1. Major League

Here’s a sentence no one has ever said: “Aww, ‘Major League’ is on?? Turn this crap off, I have no interest in watching this movie right now, I’m way too hung over.” And if the easy-to-follow plot and evergreen-amusing gags aren’t enough to heal your head, you’ll clear right up after the worst language censoring in the history of basic cable — all veteran hungover moviewatchers are familiar with the phrase “strike this GUY! out”.

Feel free to leave your own favorite hungover movies in the comments, if you can make the walk to your computer.

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MERRY LISTMAS: Alex’s Life-Changing Things Of 2007

Merry Listmas!So let’s pretend you’re Zach Braff and I’m this impossibly quirky-but-troubled indie chick who just stumbled into your life at the most unexpected time, and as you’re trying to figure me out, I hand my big headphones over to share with you the songs, movies and TV shows of 2007 that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I suggest standing in the rain and crying while you read this.

***The Top 10 Songs That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE***

dr-dog-we-all-belong.jpg10. “Pace Is The Trick” by Interpol – I feel like this album sort of got unfairly written off, but then again I might be the only one who still enjoys Droning Sleazy Subway Rock as a musical genre.

9. “Nothin’ No” by David Vandervelde – Trying to sound like Bowie is a dangerous proposition for even the most talented artist, but David Vandervelde infuses just enough originality in his homages to 70’s glam rock to keep things awesome.

8. “My Old Ways” by Dr. Dog – As the first three selections (this one included) on my list demonstrate, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with being derivative. Dr. Dog sounds like the best parts of The Beach Boys and The Beatles, and this song makes me feel like I made the right choice by becoming a boring old yuppie.

7. “Heart Made Of Sound” by SoftLightes – This is one of those songs that most of my friends have never heard, but whenever it comes on, they all want to know who it is. A bit Braffian maybe, but the song sounds too good to hold that against it.arcadefireneonbibleendlist.jpg

6. “Hurt Me Soul” by Lupe Fiasco – Attention: obligatory hip-hop song on a white indie rock nerd’s year-end music list! But seriously, this track is amazing and I listened to it a million times this year.

5. “The Well and the Lighthouse” by Arcade Fire – I could have put any of the songs from Neon Bible on this list, because the album is that good, but I chose this one because I like the way this morality fable (whose message is vital to our apathetic generation) is told in such a toe-tapping, snappy manner.

4. “Poison Cup” by M. Ward – This is simply one of the best love songs I’ve heard in a long time.

3. “I Made A Resolution” by Sea Wolf – Just in time for New Year’s Eve!

goodarrows_large.jpg2. “New York I Love You” by LCD Soundsystem – This goes to show how much of a cranky misanthropic asshole I am, to pick the sad piano dirge about the death of culture in New York City among an entire album’s worth of brain-exploding party anthems.

1. “Bullets” by Tunng. – I literally cannot stop listening to this track on repeat, which I don’t think I’ve done since “November Rain” came out when I was 12. My constantly listening to this would probably be driving my fiancee and friends crazy if it wasn’t such a f*cking amazing song.

**Alex’s Top 5 Movies of 2007 That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE**

5. The Lookout – No big stars, no big fuss, just a great little movie with style and suspense to spare. Netflix this one if you missed it in theaters.
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4. I’m Not There – Granted, I’m Not There will likely be enjoyed only be the most hardcore Dylan fan (and the inexplicable, totally unnecessary Richard Gere portion by no one at all), but I am that fan, and despite its aforementioned Gere problem, I loved this movie for its daring, unconventional method of examining the life of the most inscrutable rock genius of our time. And Cate Blanchett deserves every ounce of the awards buzz she’s getting for this.

3. Into the Wild – Seeing as how it happens to be my own private fantasy to one day stop writing this bullsh*t for you guys, sell all my worldly possessions, donate the money charity, then disappear to live a more natural life of simplicity in the mountains, I was particularly drawn to the subject matter of this film, which was directed by Sean Penn, but amazingly lacks his ham-handed political soap-boxing. The performances are all amazing, and despite being incredibly sad, the story was relentlessly entertaining.

2. No Country For Old Men – I’m in perfect agreement with everything my blogging cohorts have already said about this film. It’s about as close to perfection as the-assassination-of-jesse-james.jpgone can expect from the cinema these days, and the badass badassitude of Anton Chigurh alone all but makes up for that “Ladykillers” blemish on the Coen Brothers‘ 20 year-long pristine directorial resume.

1. The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford – The stunning cinematography, the innovative soundtrack, the devastating performances, the tension and excitement of story about a group of best friends who are also merciless killers, and that story being told in a manner that is almost poetic? Everything about this movie worked together like a perfect equation for total awesomeness. Not to mention that it has one of the coolest movie titles I’ve heard in years.

Movies I Haven’t Seen Yet But Suspect Might’ve Made The List: There Will Be Blood, The Diving Bell & The Butterfly, The Savages, Michael Clayton, The Bratz Movie

Honorable Mentions: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, Zodiac, 300, Paris, je t’aime, , American Gangster, Ratatouille

**Alex’s Top 5 Television Shows of 2007 That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE**
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5. Paula’s Party – If the Food Network is like pornography for your stomach, this is the filthiest, sexiest, steamiest stomach porn you can find. It’s all butter-fried crispy cheese & bacon, which I could never actually bring myself to eat, but somehow savor when the world’s friendliest gradma is shoving it into people’s mouths on television. I watch it secretly, alone, with the volume on low, like some kind of pervy truck driver sneaking into a nudie booth at 2 in the morning.

4. Heroes – I try to look past people’s problems and see the best in them, which is how this show still made it onto my list despite blowing my sky-high expectations for it with a bunch of lame teen romance subplots and a hopeless addiction to adding more and more characters. The show started to show some promise towards the latter part of the season, which was cut short because of the strike, meaning that it was effectively saved by the bell. You’d better impress me in ’08, Heroes, or you’re going back on the bench.

story.jpg3. 30 Rock – Sorry Scranton, but my TV office of choice happens to be right here in Manhattan.

2. Friday Night Lights - As someone who openly hates sports, I would never have expected that one my favorite television shows would end up being about a high school football team in rural Texas. And the irony is that dorky Blue State blogger-types like myself seem to be the only ones watching this show, while the middle-American suburb-dwellers who stereotypically tend to enjoy things like football and cheerleading are, for some reason, not tuning in. Weird.

1. The Wire – You’re probably sick of people like me saying this to you, but this is the greatest television show in the history of the medium and you owe it yourself and to me to get on board and watch it already.

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MERRY LISTMAS: Dan Hopper’s Year-End Pix (which are too cool for that “cks” sh*t)

Merry Listmas!Behold, my list of reordered hipster goodness mixed with things that are deliberately non-hipster in order to reaffirm said hipsterness, topped off with, well, a bunch of things I just really happened to enjoy this year. I’ll let you figure out which picks fall into which category (Answers at the bottom!):

SpoonTop 5 (Hundred) Songs

5. “Rain” by Bishop Allen – Why is it that I instantly rip on any movie that feels the slightest bit unoriginal, yet I’ll happily listen to 3-minute pop songs about “rain” again and again and again? Does that mean I’m not a complete A-hole? Or maybe that makes me more of an A-hole? Man, I am complicated.

4. “The Underdog” by Spoon – Was never a big Spoon man before this year (meaning, I didn’t literally play the spoons), but I greatly enjoyed Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga. Wasn’t too big on that Jason Lee movie this song inspired, though.

3. “Sunndal Song” by Apples In Stereo – Not much to say about this track other than it’s super catchy, it’s super likable, and eff the music blogs for not at least giving Apples In Stereo some love on their Songs of the Year lists.

2. “Australia” by The Shins – “Garden State” sequel, anyone? Starring the two leads from “Cruel Intentions 2″?

1. “374 Wave Backwards to Massachusetts” by Hallelujah The Hills – The thing I miss most about doing the daily “Listen Up” feature was finding random, hidden gems like this one; what I miss least about the feature was coming up with a different New Pornographers joke twice a week. More like… OLD… Pornographers…… See?

RadioheadHonorable Mentions:

“A Bottle of Buckie” by Ted Leo
“Climbing The Walls” by They Might Be Giants
“Good Day” by Jukebox the Ghost
“The Year Before The Year 2000″ by Les Savy Fav
“Weird Fishes / Arpeggi” by Radiohead
“Fireworks” by Animal Collective
“It Won’t Be Long” by The Hives
“Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse” by Of Montreal
“Melody Day” by Caribou
“O Valencia!” by The Decemberists**

And what the hell, Favorite Albums, for the record:

5. Les Savy FavLet’s Stay Friends
4. LCD SoundsystemSound of Silver
3. Of MontrealHissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer
2. FeistThe Reminder
1. Radiohead - In Rainbows

And these five comedy cds

SuperbadTop 5 Movies, bearing in mind I haven’t seen “Knocked Up” or like thirteen of the fifteen Oscar movies that just came out these past two weeks:

5. Hot Fuzz – Just a straight-up, super enjoyable comedy that wasn’t made by Judd Apatow or Will Ferrell. Though if someone tells me in the comments that Simon Pegg is actually Will Ferrell, I’ll be like 3% surprised.

4. The King of Kong – The nerdy dude running around telling everyone “Donkey Kong kill screen coming up” was easily the hardest I laughed at a movie all year, excluding everything that happened in “Rise of the Silver Surfer.”

3. Ratatouille – The last ten minutes of this film were the happiest I have ever been sitting in a movie theater. I hope I grow up to be the world’s richest man so I can just give all my money to Brad Bird, who deserves it more than any other human.

2. No Country For Old Men – Can we coin the term “Tommy Lee Jones” for an actor who stars in one awesome movie, wins an Oscar, does absolute garbage for the next fourteen years, then suddenly stars in two frickin’ amazing films in the same year? For example, “Cuba Gooding Jr. is totally pulling a Tommy Lee Jones, minus the second part!”

1. Superbad – This movie was so damn good, instead of calling it “Superbad,” it should be called “Goodperbad“. I know that’s an unwieldy title, but just trust me on this one.

Honorable Mention: “American Gangster,” plus a bunch of movies I haven’t seen yet.

LockeTop 5 TV Shows:

5. The Office – My own little secret. You people should really check this show out.

4. Planet Earth – Quite possibly the best fantasy film ever made; those CGI’d sequences of lions attacking elephants and monkeys diving underwater to grab fish were reeeeeeediculous.

3. 30 Rock – May have surpassed “The Office” in terms of laugh lines per episode, which is no small feat. Well, it’s a small feat when “The Office” isn’t airing new episodes, but whatever.

2. Lost – Remember when we kept complaining in Season Two that nothing was happening week after week? Don’t we all feel like jerks now?

1. The Sopranos – Finale arguments aside, the second to last episode of this series was the most tense episode of television I’ve ever watched. I just thank God Patsy survived. Oh, sh*t, sorry – spoiler alert.

* And the answer was: everything falls into that first category. So if you had “reordered hipster goodness” in your office pool, congratulations!

Feedback and your own best ofs are welcome in the comments.

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MERRY LISTMAS! Mimi Coco’s Top Picks of 2007

Merry Listmas!2008 is just around the corner, and in celebration of what has been an overall sort of forgettable AMAZING! year, your BWE.tv editors have decided to put together 3 separate lists ranking our favorite songs, movies and TV shows of 2007. So spray some Febreeze on your judgy pants, and enjoy my following compilation, Mimi Coco’s Top Picks of 2007.

***The Top 5 Songs (with the Least Amount of Indie Cred)***
RUFUS WAIN.jpgBecause I don’t feel the need to “out-indie” people when it comes to musical taste (unless it’s Victor Borge-related), please set your tolerance bar very low for the following list.

5. “Littlest Things” by Lily Allen. The closest thing we had to Radiohead‘s “Karma Police” all year.

4. “Toxic” by Mark Ronson, Tiggers. For those of you too “high brow” to admit that Britney Spears‘ “Toxic” is one of the greatest songs ever, give this version a listen. The rapping interludes never fail to crack me up. And in other news, #3 should be no surprise…

KANYE PINK SWEATER.jpg3. “Radar” by Britney Spears. Forget the bald mongo behind the album. “Blackout”, and specifically “Radar”, is this year’s ideal workout album. It’s also the ideal album to listen to when binging on Baked Doritos and Cocaine!

2. “Going to a Town” by Rufus Wainwright. If you don’t own “Release the Stars”, and enjoy things like “endless talent” and “melodies”, this might be the album for you.

1. “Homecoming” by Kanye West. I can listen to this song 6 times in a row like a trapped Jack In The Box dummy and be quite content, if not “jazzed”.

Honorable Mention: “If Ever You’re In My Arms Again” by Peabo Bryson.
Not released in 2007, no, but this is as good a time as ever to ask: What ever happened to The Peabs? If only I would have known about his IRS Tax Auction a few years back… I could be blogging from a 24 karat Gold and Velvet Setee right now.

**Michelle’s Top 10 Movie Picks of 2007: “Because Picking 5 Seems Cruel”**

BLACK SHEEP STILL.jpg10. Hot Fuzz. One of the funniest, if not longest, comedies of the year.

9. Disturbia. The movie that convinced me that Shia LaBeouf was a good actor, and more importantly, a hot tiny little man.

8. 300. Ripped men in loin cloths and a 9 foot tall Persian drag queen? Check, please!

7. The Valet. French actor Daniel Auteuil can do little to no wrong in mine eyes. Except for his portrayal of Napoleon this year, which brought to mind Sesame Street‘s “Captain Vegetable.” None of you have any idea of what I’m talking about, do you? Moving on…

BOURNE POSTER.jpg6. Black Sheep. I didn’t actually see this horror movie out of New Zealand about killer zombie sheep. But the previous sentence automatically makes it the #6 Best Movie of 2007. Though, if I were to add my favorite horror film that I actually saw this year, it would be 28 Weeks Later, no contest.

5. Death at a Funeral. It plays like a fine British stage comedy, and featured a midget in a coffin. Can you ask for anything more these days?

4. Sicko. The perfect movie for a barely insured, probably mentally diseased hypochondriac to check out right before cold and flu season. (Obvious throat clearing.) Oh God… it’s the pnuemones, isn’t it?

LA VIE EN ROSE POSTER.jpg3. The Bourne Ultimatum. The only action movie worth paying $10 for this year. The only threequel worth paying $10 for this year. Also, the only worthy summer blockbuster almost ruined for me by a colicy baby up past its bedtime.

2. No Country For Old Men. Duhhh. Also, has anyone else seen it twice? Are we masochists, or geniuses? I call the latter.

1. La Vie En Rose. This heart-stopping biopic of French songbird Edith Piaf, played by French actress Marion Cotillard, is one of the best on screen portrayals by any actress, ever. The story of Piaf begins with her upbringing in a whorehouse and a circus, on through her worldwide success as one of the most famous, albeit cursed, singers ever. The perfect film to watch when you’re feeling down on life: It will either make you realize that things could be much, much worse, or make you kill yourself. Win, win!

Honorable Mention: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead. I’m seeing it today, but want to pre-emptively add it to my list, in case it’s the “Best Movie of the Year”, as most critics would have me believe.

**Michie’s Top TV Shows of 2007**

5. Curb Your Enthusiasm. The combination of the hilarious Leon Black and the final minute of the season finale kinda sorta made it the best Curb season ever. In fact, let’s relive the best 2 minutes of television the entire year had to offer…

LauriRHOC.jpg4. Real Housewives of the O.C. and Flipping Out. For when television isn’t feeling “Halloween Masky” enough. 2007’s best guilty pleasures!

3. Planet Earth. This 10 episode series single-hoofedly made nature shows kick ass again. And if you’ve never seen comedian Sara Schaefer‘s impression of the Bird of Paradise sweeping his little mating area in the forest using nothing more than a stick and his beak, you haven’t lived.

MIGHHTYH BOOSH.jpg2. The Mighty Boosh. While the British Series’ third season only kicked off a few weeks ago, the first two BRILLIANT seasons finally made their way around to BBC America this year. If you haven’t caught this show, scour Youtube for the episodes. Even a choppy 2 by 2 inch screen can’t disguise its genius. (Or you can always watch episodes from the new seasons here, but you diiiidn’t… hearthatfrommebye.)

tracymorgan22.jpg1. 30 Rock. I’d like to take this time to make a very important announcement… Tracy Morgan… will you marry me? Please note: This actually applies to the entire 30 Rock cast, specifically the abusier, meatier (and still hot?) Alec Baldwin and perma-geen Tina Fey.

Honorable Mention: Cavemen. Most Underrated Show / Overdeveloped Browbone of 2007.

And the Worst Thing to Happen to TV in 2007: R.I.P. TV Links. We’ll never forget you.

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The Top 13 Reasons To Miss The Office (or Why The Writer’s Strike is Killing Us)

OFFICE DAVID WALLACE 2.JPG13. The Outstanding Supporting Cast. Sure, the mainstays of our beloved Office are what make our comedy cogs turn, but what would the show be without the outstanding supporting cast? Think about Dunder Mifflin President David Wallace, Bob Vance, the Wheelchair Guy, and the only woman to work in the warehouse (I believe her name is Marge? Madge? Madge.) They are the fringey fibers of the well-worn quilt we were so very used to tucking ourselves under on Thursday nights. The strike… it’s left us so cold. (Overextended analogy? Check. Moving on…) (Side Note: We added this one primarily as an excuse to post a picture of David Wallace.)

Merry Listmas!12. Garbage! Sure, Sprinkles may have died this year, but she was replaced with an altogether much more humongous cat… Garbage! Let’s reminisce Garbage‘s gigantic on-screen presence with this introductory clip.

Cat hair gel makes us weep with joy. Sigh.

KITTENS OUT ON TOWN.jpg

MOSE ON THE OFFICE.JPG11. Mose. MOOOOOOSE!!!

10. Office Mash-Ups. By far one of the biggest hits the internet has had to suffer as a result of the writer’s strike is the lack of new Office mash-ups. How are bored video editors expected to waste time on the company dime if not by matching up clips from new episodes of Season 4 to the sweet beats of Sexyback and Mr. Roboto? And what’s 2008 going to feel like when we can’t expect awesome movie/Office mash-ups, like The Scranton Ultimatum, The Office Crime Drama, or The Dwight Knight?? Mash-ups have been lifeless ever since this darned strike kicked in.

PIZZA ALFREDO.JPG9. Fake Promotional Websites Made for a Fake Television Show. The day after the famous “Taking the Pizza Delivery Boy Hostage” episode aired, we learned that an actualy Pizza By Alfredo website existed, touting Scranton’s Best Pizza via the use of various GIF and MIDI files. And we really, really wanted to believe it was real. Of course, it wasn’t. The point being, what other show inspires psychotic fans/creative network execs to take the time to make such perfectly horrendous websites?

8. Jan’s Boobs. Never do Michael’s eyes shine brighter than when Jan’s spectacularly fake boobs are around. Sure, these two might have nothing in common, but those boobs turn him into a schoolgirl again!

7. Andy’s A Cappella Wooing. Never before could we have imagined ourselves “crushing” on Company Square Andy. Then, he tried wooing a lady by singing Abba‘s “Take a Chance on Me”, and, well, what can we say? We fell in love for the first time and all over again.

Do you really even need writers for this kind of thing? We suggest a Mid-Season NBC Show featuring Ed Helms singing the smoothest hits of the 70s, 80s, and today (assuming today is June 14, 1996).

JIM HALPERT SHIRTLESS.JPG6. Kelly & Darryl. Their half-Indian wedding is gonna be so beautiful, you guys! We’re glad Kelly finally found a real man to keep her satisfied, though we were really looking forward to watching this relationship develop.

5. What is John Krasinski’s Hair Looking Like Today? Is it floppy? Bed-headed? Longer in the back? How’s his cowl-lick treatin’ him? Is that possibly a wig? Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

4. The Unexpected Arrivals of Todd Packer. This video should be all the proof you need that the world is a sadder place without the presence of legendary Todd Packer.

The Writer’s Strike: Tall… Queer… Handsome As Ever.

OFFICE MICHAEL GANDI.JPG3. “Hairbrained Schemes” Not since the days of Lucy McGillicutty (and, dare I say, Fran Fine) has the backward hairbrained scheme played such a prominent part of our prime-time lineup like it is now with Michael Scott. Sure, driving into a lake may have seemed a little over the top, but really, what excitement have we been relegated to on writerless television? The only thing I look forward to on TV nowadays is the upcoming episode of The Real World where Kelly Anne will probably get hit by a bus while taking a public home pregnancy test.

OFFICE PURPLE SHIRT.JPG2. The Rare Michael Scott Moment of Genius. And, on the opposite end of the coin, while Michael Scott may be half-mongo, every now and again he comes through with that rare moment of genius. Something we won’t be seeing Kelly Anne do anytime soon. (God, we really hate Kelly Anne. Almost as much as Dunbar! Oh, writer’s strike, what have you done to us?) Point being, under all of those lady suits and surprisingly defined pectoral muscles, Michael does come through every now and again. And it’s pretty refreshing, like Isaac‘s naked dunk in the Sydney House Fishtank. (OK, last Real World reference, we swear.)

1. New Episodes of The Office. This may seem like a “No Brainer”, but really, all cute listy things aside, wouldn’t it be nice if we had new episodes to talk about? My life… it’s so empty and cold. Guess I’ll go watch a Celebrity Apprentice Marathon and pretend the contestants are funny and, you know, “interesting.”