Rough New Year’s Eve? Look on the bright side — is there a better day to sit around doing nothing and watching a movie on tv you’ve seen 10,000 times than January 1st? Here’s our picks for the finest films to watch during an unproductive recovery-filled afternoon:
8. The Fugitive
When this movie was made, did they have any idea how many alcohol-fractured minds it would end up mending? Did they intentionally shoot the action scenes so that when you watch them sideways and partially obscured by a couch pillow, they’re even more exciting? Did they force Joe Pantoliano to say “hoooolly sh*t” seven times so you’d be guaranteed to catch one no matter when you flipped to the channel? According to imdb, yes, yes, and yes.
7. Meet The Parents
One of the new classics with regard to hungover movie watching, partly aided by HBO agreeing to show it before, after, and during every other movie. One wacky situation after another, this movie will have you laughing exactly hard enough to forget about the throbbing pain in your ears without making you think hard enough to add to that pain, unlike, say, a movie like “The Naked Gun” would.
6. Mrs. Doubtfire
You know when you’re drunk, and it’s three am, and you’re absolutely starving, and someone hands you a slice of Vinnie’s pizza, and it’s the greatest food you or any other human has ever tasted, and you’re like “man, Vinnie’s Pizza is AWESOME”, then you go back there two weeks later and you’re like “this is just normal pizza, why did I think it was so great?” Well, “Mrs. Doubtfire” is nothing like that pizza. “Mrs. Doubtfire” is just an awesome movie.
5. Happy Gilmore
You do know that if you watch a movie that you so innately associate with your pre-alcohol-drinking school days, it will instantly cure your hangovers, right? It’s a scientific fact that your brain cannot process the pain of a headache while you’re shouting “why don’t you just go to your HOME”, “just tap it in”, or getting beaten up by Bob Barker.
4. Billy Madison
See previous. Multiply by about 1.3.
We all know this movie by heart, we’ve all quoted it to death, and yet, every time you catch it on tv, you’ll laugh at a part you completely forgot about. Or, if your head’s hurting too much to handle sound, just watch it on mute and giggle as you’re reminded of one joke after another. Also, 80s movie rap is musical Advil.
2. Top Gun
Nothing like some Bruckheimer melodrama and inexplicable shirtless volleyball to homo-eroticize away that hangover. This film has joined the prized echelon alongside “The Godfather” and “The Wizard of Oz” in the sense that you’ve heard every line in it parodied so many times, that when they actually say the lines in the movie, you think to yourself “man, I can’t believe they actually used that trite, overdone line in this movie — ‘your ego’s writin’ checks your body can’t cash’ totally sounds like a line out of a Spongebob Episode where the guy from Top Gun does a guest voice.”
1. Major League
Here’s a sentence no one has ever said: “Aww, ‘Major League’ is on?? Turn this crap off, I have no interest in watching this movie right now, I’m way too hung over.” And if the easy-to-follow plot and evergreen-amusing gags aren’t enough to heal your head, you’ll clear right up after the worst language censoring in the history of basic cable — all veteran hungover moviewatchers are familiar with the phrase “strike this GUY! out”.
Feel free to leave your own favorite hungover movies in the comments, if you can make the walk to your computer.