The 8 Best Movies To Watch When You’re Hungover On January 1st

Rough New Year’s Eve? Look on the bright side — is there a better day to sit around doing nothing and watching a movie on tv you’ve seen 10,000 times than January 1st? Here’s our picks for the finest films to watch during an unproductive recovery-filled afternoon:

Fugitive8. The Fugitive

When this movie was made, did they have any idea how many alcohol-fractured minds it would end up mending? Did they intentionally shoot the action scenes so that when you watch them sideways and partially obscured by a couch pillow, they’re even more exciting? Did they force Joe Pantoliano to say “hoooolly sh*t” seven times so you’d be guaranteed to catch one no matter when you flipped to the channel? According to imdb, yes, yes, and yes.

7. Meet The Parents

One of the new classics with regard to hungover movie watching, partly aided by HBO agreeing to show it before, after, and during every other movie. One wacky situation after another, this movie will have you laughing exactly hard enough to forget about the throbbing pain in your ears without making you think hard enough to add to that pain, unlike, say, a movie like “The Naked Gun” would.

6. Mrs. Doubtfire

You know when you’re drunk, and it’s three am, and you’re absolutely starving, and someone hands you a slice of Vinnie’s pizza, and it’s the greatest food you or any other human has ever tasted, and you’re like “man, Vinnie’s Pizza is AWESOME”, then you go back there two weeks later and you’re like “this is just normal pizza, why did I think it was so great?” Well, “Mrs. Doubtfire” is nothing like that pizza. “Mrs. Doubtfire” is just an awesome movie.

Gilmore5. Happy Gilmore

You do know that if you watch a movie that you so innately associate with your pre-alcohol-drinking school days, it will instantly cure your hangovers, right? It’s a scientific fact that your brain cannot process the pain of a headache while you’re shouting “why don’t you just go to your HOME”, “just tap it in”, or getting beaten up by Bob Barker.

4. Billy Madison

See previous. Multiply by about 1.3.

3. Ghostbusters

We all know this movie by heart, we’ve all quoted it to death, and yet, every time you catch it on tv, you’ll laugh at a part you completely forgot about. Or, if your head’s hurting too much to handle sound, just watch it on mute and giggle as you’re reminded of one joke after another. Also, 80s movie rap is musical Advil.

2. Top Gun

Nothing like some Bruckheimer melodrama and inexplicable shirtless volleyball to homo-eroticize away that hangover. This film has joined the prized echelon alongside “The Godfather” and “The Wizard of Oz” in the sense that you’ve heard every line in it parodied so many times, that when they actually say the lines in the movie, you think to yourself “man, I can’t believe they actually used that trite, overdone line in this movie — ‘your ego’s writin’ checks your body can’t cash’ totally sounds like a line out of a Spongebob Episode where the guy from Top Gun does a guest voice.”

Major League1. Major League

Here’s a sentence no one has ever said: “Aww, ‘Major League’ is on?? Turn this crap off, I have no interest in watching this movie right now, I’m way too hung over.” And if the easy-to-follow plot and evergreen-amusing gags aren’t enough to heal your head, you’ll clear right up after the worst language censoring in the history of basic cable — all veteran hungover moviewatchers are familiar with the phrase “strike this GUY! out”.

Feel free to leave your own favorite hungover movies in the comments, if you can make the walk to your computer.


MERRY LISTMAS: Alex’s Life-Changing Things Of 2007

Merry Listmas!So let’s pretend you’re Zach Braff and I’m this impossibly quirky-but-troubled indie chick who just stumbled into your life at the most unexpected time, and as you’re trying to figure me out, I hand my big headphones over to share with you the songs, movies and TV shows of 2007 that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I suggest standing in the rain and crying while you read this.

***The Top 10 Songs That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE***

dr-dog-we-all-belong.jpg10. “Pace Is The Trick” by Interpol – I feel like this album sort of got unfairly written off, but then again I might be the only one who still enjoys Droning Sleazy Subway Rock as a musical genre.

9. “Nothin’ No” by David Vandervelde – Trying to sound like Bowie is a dangerous proposition for even the most talented artist, but David Vandervelde infuses just enough originality in his homages to 70′s glam rock to keep things awesome.

8. “My Old Ways” by Dr. Dog – As the first three selections (this one included) on my list demonstrate, sometimes there’s nothing wrong with being derivative. Dr. Dog sounds like the best parts of The Beach Boys and The Beatles, and this song makes me feel like I made the right choice by becoming a boring old yuppie.

7. “Heart Made Of Sound” by SoftLightes – This is one of those songs that most of my friends have never heard, but whenever it comes on, they all want to know who it is. A bit Braffian maybe, but the song sounds too good to hold that against it.arcadefireneonbibleendlist.jpg

6. “Hurt Me Soul” by Lupe Fiasco – Attention: obligatory hip-hop song on a white indie rock nerd’s year-end music list! But seriously, this track is amazing and I listened to it a million times this year.

5. “The Well and the Lighthouse” by Arcade Fire – I could have put any of the songs from Neon Bible on this list, because the album is that good, but I chose this one because I like the way this morality fable (whose message is vital to our apathetic generation) is told in such a toe-tapping, snappy manner.

4. “Poison Cup” by M. Ward – This is simply one of the best love songs I’ve heard in a long time.

3. “I Made A Resolution” by Sea Wolf – Just in time for New Year’s Eve!

goodarrows_large.jpg2. “New York I Love You” by LCD Soundsystem – This goes to show how much of a cranky misanthropic asshole I am, to pick the sad piano dirge about the death of culture in New York City among an entire album’s worth of brain-exploding party anthems.

1. “Bullets” by Tunng. – I literally cannot stop listening to this track on repeat, which I don’t think I’ve done since “November Rain” came out when I was 12. My constantly listening to this would probably be driving my fiancee and friends crazy if it wasn’t such a f*cking amazing song.

**Alex’s Top 5 Movies of 2007 That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE**

5. The Lookout – No big stars, no big fuss, just a great little movie with style and suspense to spare. Netflix this one if you missed it in theaters.
4. I’m Not There – Granted, I’m Not There will likely be enjoyed only be the most hardcore Dylan fan (and the inexplicable, totally unnecessary Richard Gere portion by no one at all), but I am that fan, and despite its aforementioned Gere problem, I loved this movie for its daring, unconventional method of examining the life of the most inscrutable rock genius of our time. And Cate Blanchett deserves every ounce of the awards buzz she’s getting for this.

3. Into the Wild – Seeing as how it happens to be my own private fantasy to one day stop writing this bullsh*t for you guys, sell all my worldly possessions, donate the money charity, then disappear to live a more natural life of simplicity in the mountains, I was particularly drawn to the subject matter of this film, which was directed by Sean Penn, but amazingly lacks his ham-handed political soap-boxing. The performances are all amazing, and despite being incredibly sad, the story was relentlessly entertaining.

2. No Country For Old Men – I’m in perfect agreement with everything my blogging cohorts have already said about this film. It’s about as close to perfection as the-assassination-of-jesse-james.jpgone can expect from the cinema these days, and the badass badassitude of Anton Chigurh alone all but makes up for that “Ladykillers” blemish on the Coen Brothers‘ 20 year-long pristine directorial resume.

1. The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford – The stunning cinematography, the innovative soundtrack, the devastating performances, the tension and excitement of story about a group of best friends who are also merciless killers, and that story being told in a manner that is almost poetic? Everything about this movie worked together like a perfect equation for total awesomeness. Not to mention that it has one of the coolest movie titles I’ve heard in years.

Movies I Haven’t Seen Yet But Suspect Might’ve Made The List: There Will Be Blood, The Diving Bell & The Butterfly, The Savages, Michael Clayton, The Bratz Movie

Honorable Mentions: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead, Zodiac, 300, Paris, je t’aime, , American Gangster, Ratatouille

**Alex’s Top 5 Television Shows of 2007 That Will CHANGE YOUR LIFE**
5. Paula’s Party – If the Food Network is like pornography for your stomach, this is the filthiest, sexiest, steamiest stomach porn you can find. It’s all butter-fried crispy cheese & bacon, which I could never actually bring myself to eat, but somehow savor when the world’s friendliest gradma is shoving it into people’s mouths on television. I watch it secretly, alone, with the volume on low, like some kind of pervy truck driver sneaking into a nudie booth at 2 in the morning.

4. Heroes – I try to look past people’s problems and see the best in them, which is how this show still made it onto my list despite blowing my sky-high expectations for it with a bunch of lame teen romance subplots and a hopeless addiction to adding more and more characters. The show started to show some promise towards the latter part of the season, which was cut short because of the strike, meaning that it was effectively saved by the bell. You’d better impress me in ’08, Heroes, or you’re going back on the bench.

story.jpg3. 30 Rock – Sorry Scranton, but my TV office of choice happens to be right here in Manhattan.

2. Friday Night Lights - As someone who openly hates sports, I would never have expected that one my favorite television shows would end up being about a high school football team in rural Texas. And the irony is that dorky Blue State blogger-types like myself seem to be the only ones watching this show, while the middle-American suburb-dwellers who stereotypically tend to enjoy things like football and cheerleading are, for some reason, not tuning in. Weird.

1. The Wire – You’re probably sick of people like me saying this to you, but this is the greatest television show in the history of the medium and you owe it yourself and to me to get on board and watch it already.


MERRY LISTMAS: Dan Hopper’s Year-End Pix (which are too cool for that “cks” sh*t)

Merry Listmas!Behold, my list of reordered hipster goodness mixed with things that are deliberately non-hipster in order to reaffirm said hipsterness, topped off with, well, a bunch of things I just really happened to enjoy this year. I’ll let you figure out which picks fall into which category (Answers at the bottom!):

SpoonTop 5 (Hundred) Songs

5. “Rain” by Bishop Allen – Why is it that I instantly rip on any movie that feels the slightest bit unoriginal, yet I’ll happily listen to 3-minute pop songs about “rain” again and again and again? Does that mean I’m not a complete A-hole? Or maybe that makes me more of an A-hole? Man, I am complicated.

4. “The Underdog” by Spoon – Was never a big Spoon man before this year (meaning, I didn’t literally play the spoons), but I greatly enjoyed Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga. Wasn’t too big on that Jason Lee movie this song inspired, though.

3. “Sunndal Song” by Apples In Stereo – Not much to say about this track other than it’s super catchy, it’s super likable, and eff the music blogs for not at least giving Apples In Stereo some love on their Songs of the Year lists.

2. “Australia” by The Shins – “Garden State” sequel, anyone? Starring the two leads from “Cruel Intentions 2″?

1. “374 Wave Backwards to Massachusetts” by Hallelujah The Hills – The thing I miss most about doing the daily “Listen Up” feature was finding random, hidden gems like this one; what I miss least about the feature was coming up with a different New Pornographers joke twice a week. More like… OLD… Pornographers…… See?

RadioheadHonorable Mentions:

“A Bottle of Buckie” by Ted Leo
“Climbing The Walls” by They Might Be Giants
“Good Day” by Jukebox the Ghost
“The Year Before The Year 2000″ by Les Savy Fav
“Weird Fishes / Arpeggi” by Radiohead
“Fireworks” by Animal Collective
“It Won’t Be Long” by The Hives
“Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse” by Of Montreal
“Melody Day” by Caribou
“O Valencia!” by The Decemberists**

And what the hell, Favorite Albums, for the record:

5. Les Savy FavLet’s Stay Friends
4. LCD SoundsystemSound of Silver
3. Of MontrealHissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer
2. FeistThe Reminder
1. Radiohead - In Rainbows

And these five comedy cds

SuperbadTop 5 Movies, bearing in mind I haven’t seen “Knocked Up” or like thirteen of the fifteen Oscar movies that just came out these past two weeks:

5. Hot Fuzz – Just a straight-up, super enjoyable comedy that wasn’t made by Judd Apatow or Will Ferrell. Though if someone tells me in the comments that Simon Pegg is actually Will Ferrell, I’ll be like 3% surprised.

4. The King of Kong – The nerdy dude running around telling everyone “Donkey Kong kill screen coming up” was easily the hardest I laughed at a movie all year, excluding everything that happened in “Rise of the Silver Surfer.”

3. Ratatouille – The last ten minutes of this film were the happiest I have ever been sitting in a movie theater. I hope I grow up to be the world’s richest man so I can just give all my money to Brad Bird, who deserves it more than any other human.

2. No Country For Old Men – Can we coin the term “Tommy Lee Jones” for an actor who stars in one awesome movie, wins an Oscar, does absolute garbage for the next fourteen years, then suddenly stars in two frickin’ amazing films in the same year? For example, “Cuba Gooding Jr. is totally pulling a Tommy Lee Jones, minus the second part!”

1. Superbad – This movie was so damn good, instead of calling it “Superbad,” it should be called “Goodperbad“. I know that’s an unwieldy title, but just trust me on this one.

Honorable Mention: “American Gangster,” plus a bunch of movies I haven’t seen yet.

LockeTop 5 TV Shows:

5. The Office – My own little secret. You people should really check this show out.

4. Planet Earth – Quite possibly the best fantasy film ever made; those CGI’d sequences of lions attacking elephants and monkeys diving underwater to grab fish were reeeeeeediculous.

3. 30 Rock – May have surpassed “The Office” in terms of laugh lines per episode, which is no small feat. Well, it’s a small feat when “The Office” isn’t airing new episodes, but whatever.

2. Lost – Remember when we kept complaining in Season Two that nothing was happening week after week? Don’t we all feel like jerks now?

1. The Sopranos – Finale arguments aside, the second to last episode of this series was the most tense episode of television I’ve ever watched. I just thank God Patsy survived. Oh, sh*t, sorry – spoiler alert.

* And the answer was: everything falls into that first category. So if you had “reordered hipster goodness” in your office pool, congratulations!

Feedback and your own best ofs are welcome in the comments.


MERRY LISTMAS! Mimi Coco’s Top Picks of 2007

Merry Listmas!2008 is just around the corner, and in celebration of what has been an overall sort of forgettable AMAZING! year, your editors have decided to put together 3 separate lists ranking our favorite songs, movies and TV shows of 2007. So spray some Febreeze on your judgy pants, and enjoy my following compilation, Mimi Coco’s Top Picks of 2007.

***The Top 5 Songs (with the Least Amount of Indie Cred)***
RUFUS WAIN.jpgBecause I don’t feel the need to “out-indie” people when it comes to musical taste (unless it’s Victor Borge-related), please set your tolerance bar very low for the following list.

5. “Littlest Things” by Lily Allen. The closest thing we had to Radiohead‘s “Karma Police” all year.

4. “Toxic” by Mark Ronson, Tiggers. For those of you too “high brow” to admit that Britney Spears‘ “Toxic” is one of the greatest songs ever, give this version a listen. The rapping interludes never fail to crack me up. And in other news, #3 should be no surprise…

KANYE PINK SWEATER.jpg3. “Radar” by Britney Spears. Forget the bald mongo behind the album. “Blackout”, and specifically “Radar”, is this year’s ideal workout album. It’s also the ideal album to listen to when binging on Baked Doritos and Cocaine!

2. “Going to a Town” by Rufus Wainwright. If you don’t own “Release the Stars”, and enjoy things like “endless talent” and “melodies”, this might be the album for you.

1. “Homecoming” by Kanye West. I can listen to this song 6 times in a row like a trapped Jack In The Box dummy and be quite content, if not “jazzed”.

Honorable Mention: “If Ever You’re In My Arms Again” by Peabo Bryson.
Not released in 2007, no, but this is as good a time as ever to ask: What ever happened to The Peabs? If only I would have known about his IRS Tax Auction a few years back… I could be blogging from a 24 karat Gold and Velvet Setee right now.

**Michelle’s Top 10 Movie Picks of 2007: “Because Picking 5 Seems Cruel”**

BLACK SHEEP STILL.jpg10. Hot Fuzz. One of the funniest, if not longest, comedies of the year.

9. Disturbia. The movie that convinced me that Shia LaBeouf was a good actor, and more importantly, a hot tiny little man.

8. 300. Ripped men in loin cloths and a 9 foot tall Persian drag queen? Check, please!

7. The Valet. French actor Daniel Auteuil can do little to no wrong in mine eyes. Except for his portrayal of Napoleon this year, which brought to mind Sesame Street‘s “Captain Vegetable.” None of you have any idea of what I’m talking about, do you? Moving on…

BOURNE POSTER.jpg6. Black Sheep. I didn’t actually see this horror movie out of New Zealand about killer zombie sheep. But the previous sentence automatically makes it the #6 Best Movie of 2007. Though, if I were to add my favorite horror film that I actually saw this year, it would be 28 Weeks Later, no contest.

5. Death at a Funeral. It plays like a fine British stage comedy, and featured a midget in a coffin. Can you ask for anything more these days?

4. Sicko. The perfect movie for a barely insured, probably mentally diseased hypochondriac to check out right before cold and flu season. (Obvious throat clearing.) Oh God… it’s the pnuemones, isn’t it?

LA VIE EN ROSE POSTER.jpg3. The Bourne Ultimatum. The only action movie worth paying $10 for this year. The only threequel worth paying $10 for this year. Also, the only worthy summer blockbuster almost ruined for me by a colicy baby up past its bedtime.

2. No Country For Old Men. Duhhh. Also, has anyone else seen it twice? Are we masochists, or geniuses? I call the latter.

1. La Vie En Rose. This heart-stopping biopic of French songbird Edith Piaf, played by French actress Marion Cotillard, is one of the best on screen portrayals by any actress, ever. The story of Piaf begins with her upbringing in a whorehouse and a circus, on through her worldwide success as one of the most famous, albeit cursed, singers ever. The perfect film to watch when you’re feeling down on life: It will either make you realize that things could be much, much worse, or make you kill yourself. Win, win!

Honorable Mention: Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead. I’m seeing it today, but want to pre-emptively add it to my list, in case it’s the “Best Movie of the Year”, as most critics would have me believe.

**Michie’s Top TV Shows of 2007**

5. Curb Your Enthusiasm. The combination of the hilarious Leon Black and the final minute of the season finale kinda sorta made it the best Curb season ever. In fact, let’s relive the best 2 minutes of television the entire year had to offer…

LauriRHOC.jpg4. Real Housewives of the O.C. and Flipping Out. For when television isn’t feeling “Halloween Masky” enough. 2007′s best guilty pleasures!

3. Planet Earth. This 10 episode series single-hoofedly made nature shows kick ass again. And if you’ve never seen comedian Sara Schaefer‘s impression of the Bird of Paradise sweeping his little mating area in the forest using nothing more than a stick and his beak, you haven’t lived.

MIGHHTYH BOOSH.jpg2. The Mighty Boosh. While the British Series’ third season only kicked off a few weeks ago, the first two BRILLIANT seasons finally made their way around to BBC America this year. If you haven’t caught this show, scour Youtube for the episodes. Even a choppy 2 by 2 inch screen can’t disguise its genius. (Or you can always watch episodes from the new seasons here, but you diiiidn’t… hearthatfrommebye.)

tracymorgan22.jpg1. 30 Rock. I’d like to take this time to make a very important announcement… Tracy Morgan… will you marry me? Please note: This actually applies to the entire 30 Rock cast, specifically the abusier, meatier (and still hot?) Alec Baldwin and perma-geen Tina Fey.

Honorable Mention: Cavemen. Most Underrated Show / Overdeveloped Browbone of 2007.

And the Worst Thing to Happen to TV in 2007: R.I.P. TV Links. We’ll never forget you.


The Top 13 Reasons To Miss The Office (or Why The Writer’s Strike is Killing Us)

OFFICE DAVID WALLACE 2.JPG13. The Outstanding Supporting Cast. Sure, the mainstays of our beloved Office are what make our comedy cogs turn, but what would the show be without the outstanding supporting cast? Think about Dunder Mifflin President David Wallace, Bob Vance, the Wheelchair Guy, and the only woman to work in the warehouse (I believe her name is Marge? Madge? Madge.) They are the fringey fibers of the well-worn quilt we were so very used to tucking ourselves under on Thursday nights. The strike… it’s left us so cold. (Overextended analogy? Check. Moving on…) (Side Note: We added this one primarily as an excuse to post a picture of David Wallace.)

Merry Listmas!12. Garbage! Sure, Sprinkles may have died this year, but she was replaced with an altogether much more humongous cat… Garbage! Let’s reminisce Garbage‘s gigantic on-screen presence with this introductory clip.

Cat hair gel makes us weep with joy. Sigh.



10. Office Mash-Ups. By far one of the biggest hits the internet has had to suffer as a result of the writer’s strike is the lack of new Office mash-ups. How are bored video editors expected to waste time on the company dime if not by matching up clips from new episodes of Season 4 to the sweet beats of Sexyback and Mr. Roboto? And what’s 2008 going to feel like when we can’t expect awesome movie/Office mash-ups, like The Scranton Ultimatum, The Office Crime Drama, or The Dwight Knight?? Mash-ups have been lifeless ever since this darned strike kicked in.

PIZZA ALFREDO.JPG9. Fake Promotional Websites Made for a Fake Television Show. The day after the famous “Taking the Pizza Delivery Boy Hostage” episode aired, we learned that an actualy Pizza By Alfredo website existed, touting Scranton’s Best Pizza via the use of various GIF and MIDI files. And we really, really wanted to believe it was real. Of course, it wasn’t. The point being, what other show inspires psychotic fans/creative network execs to take the time to make such perfectly horrendous websites?

8. Jan’s Boobs. Never do Michael’s eyes shine brighter than when Jan’s spectacularly fake boobs are around. Sure, these two might have nothing in common, but those boobs turn him into a schoolgirl again!

7. Andy’s A Cappella Wooing. Never before could we have imagined ourselves “crushing” on Company Square Andy. Then, he tried wooing a lady by singing Abba‘s “Take a Chance on Me”, and, well, what can we say? We fell in love for the first time and all over again.

Do you really even need writers for this kind of thing? We suggest a Mid-Season NBC Show featuring Ed Helms singing the smoothest hits of the 70s, 80s, and today (assuming today is June 14, 1996).

JIM HALPERT SHIRTLESS.JPG6. Kelly & Darryl. Their half-Indian wedding is gonna be so beautiful, you guys! We’re glad Kelly finally found a real man to keep her satisfied, though we were really looking forward to watching this relationship develop.

5. What is John Krasinski’s Hair Looking Like Today? Is it floppy? Bed-headed? Longer in the back? How’s his cowl-lick treatin’ him? Is that possibly a wig? Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

4. The Unexpected Arrivals of Todd Packer. This video should be all the proof you need that the world is a sadder place without the presence of legendary Todd Packer.

The Writer’s Strike: Tall… Queer… Handsome As Ever.

OFFICE MICHAEL GANDI.JPG3. “Hairbrained Schemes” Not since the days of Lucy McGillicutty (and, dare I say, Fran Fine) has the backward hairbrained scheme played such a prominent part of our prime-time lineup like it is now with Michael Scott. Sure, driving into a lake may have seemed a little over the top, but really, what excitement have we been relegated to on writerless television? The only thing I look forward to on TV nowadays is the upcoming episode of The Real World where Kelly Anne will probably get hit by a bus while taking a public home pregnancy test.

OFFICE PURPLE SHIRT.JPG2. The Rare Michael Scott Moment of Genius. And, on the opposite end of the coin, while Michael Scott may be half-mongo, every now and again he comes through with that rare moment of genius. Something we won’t be seeing Kelly Anne do anytime soon. (God, we really hate Kelly Anne. Almost as much as Dunbar! Oh, writer’s strike, what have you done to us?) Point being, under all of those lady suits and surprisingly defined pectoral muscles, Michael does come through every now and again. And it’s pretty refreshing, like Isaac‘s naked dunk in the Sydney House Fishtank. (OK, last Real World reference, we swear.)

1. New Episodes of The Office. This may seem like a “No Brainer”, but really, all cute listy things aside, wouldn’t it be nice if we had new episodes to talk about? My life… it’s so empty and cold. Guess I’ll go watch a Celebrity Apprentice Marathon and pretend the contestants are funny and, you know, “interesting.”


MERRY LISTMAS: The 8 Best Villains Of 2007

Merry Listmas!In 2007, pop culture consumers were treated with more than our fair share of villains; the celebrity world gave us Jason Wahler, Joe Francis, Michael Lohan, Victoria Beckham, and the Big Three, the music world gave us Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, and the sports world gave us Michael Vick, Bill Belichick, and everyone who played baseball between 1987 and 2004, but why dwell on fake people and their fake problems? 2007 was full of real, exciting movie and tv characters whose engaging villainy did not make us abandon our faith in humankind.

Why only Top Eight, you ask? Well, “Eight” rhymes with “Hate,” but more so, I just couldn’t in good conscience put that Davey Jones Squid thing anywhere near the word “Best.”

Frank Lucas8. Frank Lucas, American Gangster

Wearing the title of “American Gangster,” Denzel Washington had some big shoes to fill, but after slapping on his period-piece-ass hairstyle and scrawling “I will not just reprise my role in ‘Training Day’” onto a blackboard a thousand times, Denzel turned Frank Lucas into one of the year’s most sympathetic big-house-buying heroin kingpins this side of 80′s Mötley Crüe. He doesn’t kill many innocent people, and he never shivs his grandmother with one of his heroin needles, but for a former Sexiest Man Alive, Washington makes a pretty damn good villain. Almost as good as Harry Hamlin, even.

Taylor7. Taylor, Kid Nation

Forget backstabbing Survivors and homophobic Real Worlders and people on Big Brother who do the opposite of whatever it is people are supposed to do on that show — 10-year-old Taylor from Georgia turned Bonanza City into Bonanza Bitchy Dictatorship and spawned the phrase that’s six months away from being slightly dated enough to make a funny t-shirt: “DEAL WITH IT.” I couldn’t tell if Taylor was the producers’ Narc or just Angelica from “Rugrats” come to life, but regardless, I mentally delayed having children of my own by another decade every time she spoke a sentence. Right now, I’m looking at the year 3180.

Phil Leotardo6. Phil Leotardo, The Sopranos

Season 6 1/2 of “The Sopranos” oversaw the transformation of the Brooklyn mob boss from being Tony Soprano’s worthy adversary to just being a whiny bitch who made you a little less happy whenever he appeared on the screen (unless the previous scene involved A.J.) I understand the mob world is ruthless, but who orders a hit on Bobby Bacala? Did Bobby cross the line of being too lovably oafish? Either way, at least Frank Vincent had the courtesy to be the only regular on the show not to outact the sh*t out of Stevie Van Zandt.

Drew Carey5. Drew Carey, The Price Is Right

He may not have done anything intentionally villainous in his first year hosting “The Price Is Right” (well, besides this) but Drew Carey’s mere existence is a grim, nostalgia-crushing reminder that time always marches on, that even us children of the eighties are getting older, and that Bob Barker’s shoes are impossible to fill for more reasons other than because they were always lined with emergency commercial-break condoms. You could take the show “Oprah” and replace frickin’ Oprah and it wouldn’t be as different as “The Price Is Right” without Bobby Thinmic.

Anton Ego4. Anton Ego, Ratatouille

Peter O’Toole’s monolithic, loveless food critic looks like he just stepped out of an Edward Gorey book, thoughtlessly ripping on the drawings all the while before tossing aside my pathetic attempt at a literary analogy. His jaded solitude doesn’t stack up with the multiple-murderers on this list in terms of conventional villainy, but (semi-spoiler alert) his eventual change of heart is more triumphant and fulfilling than a million dead Bond villains. Also, I was going to mention that Ego’s willingness to freely criticize without attempting to create makes him kind of like a blogger, but, well, we all know would have been waaaay too predictable. Please.

Billy Mitchell3. Billy Mitchell, The King of Kong

Has there ever been a more intense scene in a documentary than when Hotsauce McMullet strolled into the Funspot Arcade and refused to make eye contact with Steve Weibe? Before you name a bunch of documentary scenes that definitely were, I’ll answer for you: NO. Whenever I watch documentaries, I’m always intentionally cognizant of the filmmaker’s bias (they totally made those Enron guys look like criminals!) but there was simply no way anyone could come out of this movie and say anything other than the literal sentence, “Man, Billy Mitchell really seems like a douche.”

Ben Linus2. Ben Linus, Lost

If Michael Emerson offered me a glass of water, I’m pretty sure I’d psychologically tear myself to pieces wondering whether or not to accept it. Still, just as we Lost conspiracy theorists were beginning to believe that Ben’s cryptic, bug-eyed advice might have been for a greater good, we were treated with a flashback of Ben murdering his father with poison gas because he just daggum couldn’t remember Lil’ Benny’s birthday. Jack’s cathartic pummeling of Ben in the season finale reminded me of Sam finally beating the crap out of Gollum in the third “Lord of the Rings” movie. But with a goofier looking bad guy, of course.

Anton Chigurh1. Anton Chigurh, No Country For Old Men

Remorseless, unstoppable, and damn near magical, Javier Bardem’s ghostlike hitman in “No Country For Old Men” was so damn convincing, I sat in the theater assuring myself that the golden ticket from “Last Action Hero” was real and that Chigurh was definitely going to step out of the screen and murder me. I came away from this film vowing to never pick up a sack of money, use a take-a-penny at a convenience store, accept a Christmas gift, read a magazine at a doctor’s office, or enjoy a sunset, fully convinced that any such actions would result in my being imminently brained by a wacky, air-powered Super Soaker. Maybe George Wendt could protect me?

Other great villains in 2007? Leave them in the comments!


MERRY LISTMAS: 10 Best Pregnancy Announcements Of The Year

Merry Listmas!Last year, swooping down into some godforsaken Bono country and picking up a couple of impoverished children was all the Hollywood parenting rage. But in ’07, the stars and starlets of the world decided to acquire their accessory babies the old fashioned way, getting themselves impregnated by their husbands, boyfriends, partners, or just whoever happened to be nearby and also had a functioning reproductive system. And for us, the best part of these miracles of celebrity childbirth was always the manner in which our famous friends elected to share their good news with the world. So here are the 10 Best Pregnancy Announcements of 2007.

10. Lily Allen – In some kind of tabloid miracle, her unplanned, out-of-wedlock pregnancy news was all but ignored on account of the fact that it came at the same time as that of a certain sixteen year-old Spears sister’s. Her publicist milla_blog_0huge.jpgmust have heaved a huge sigh of relief, because you can’t buy that kind of timing.

9. Bridget Moynahan – The beautiful actress. The all-American Super Bowl champ quarterback with the kind of good looks that only someone named Tom Brady could have. Together, they had all the elements of a timeless story of true love with a Hollywood ending until Tom ended up deciding he wasn’t hearing all that baby-daddy jazz and got himself shacked up with Giselle Bundchen, a model who, in a cruel twist of irony, is probably the one person in the world hotter than Bridget Moynahan. Which, in a sense, is still a Hollywood ending.

8. Milla Jovovich – The Resident Evil star announced the impending birth of her baby wordlessly, by letting her transformation from “waif-like malnourished actress” to “healthily rotund person who eats meals and looks like a farmhouse” speak for itself.

7. Christina Aguilera – The only thing more beautiful that the miracle of childbirth, is when word of that miracle is announced by Paris Hilton, at a MTV Video Music Awards party, and your baby beans end up being spilled by some kind of syphilitic stork wasted on vodka and Red Bull.

6. Jessica Alba – We heard the sound of a million horny teenage hearts breaking when word got out that Jessica Alba had decided to reject her international sex symbol status to settle down and bear the children of some random gold-digging PA named “Cash”, thus providing mankind with yet even more existential evidence that life is meaningless and God is dead.

5. Halle Berry – This grand old dame of Tinseltown did the old in-out with whichever young model type she nicole_richie_diane_320.jpghappened to be currently dating and, even though she was pretty old, got herself knocked up, which she announced the old-timey, old-Hollywood way, by visiting her old friends at Access Hollywood and doing the old song and dance about being so excited about the baby she’s been wanting for so long before she got too old.

4. Jennifer Lopez – Even though she’s fake-happily-married and reaching the twilight of her child-bearing years, J-Lo and her husband Marc Anthony were so excited to have conceived a child that they pretended not to be pregnant, for months, until they had finally exhausted their excuses for the giant swelling bulge in Jennifer’s belly, and she begrudgingly had to admit the fact that her airbrushed glittered body would indeed be porking up a bit because of the Baby-Lo growing inside of her.

3. Nicole Richie – Freshly sprung from her hours-long stint in the clink for intoxicated-driving hijinx of some sort, Nicole let word of her pregnancy leak slowly, first causing widespread confusion with photographs suggesting there was actually something in her stomach then, having given us the chance to wrap our brains around the idea of her being responsible for the life of a child, confirmed that she and boyfriend Joel Madden were, in fact, with child. With the exception of a couple nasty “smoking and drinking” whilst drinking reports, the couple have been trying to play it cool and keep their sh*t together like some kind of pseudo-punk fametarded version of Leave It To Beaver.
2. All The Paternity Test Results On Maury – What a reaffirmative celebration of love and life it is to see the classless individuals of the world find out whether or not they are going to be parents, then engage in wildly inappropriate celebratory victory dances intended to rub a person who they once had sex with’s face in the fact that they will or will not be financially responsible for the this little human life that already exists in the world anyway.

1. Jamie Lynn-Spears – This bombshell was, by far, the mother of all “mother-to-be-who-shouldn’t-be” announcements of the year. I mean, where does one even begin? She’s sixteen years old, half-single, and shares the same genes as Britney f*cking Spears, who spent the first 11 1/2 months of the year comprehensively demonstrating to us all the myriad reasons why she should not be allowed within 100 yards of anyone under the age of 13.


BWE’s MERRY LISTMAS: Top 10 Videos That Should Have Gone Viral in ’07, But Didn’t

ANTI CHIPMUNK.jpgEach and every day leading up to the New Year, will be posting a series of Top 10 in ‘07 Lists we have ingeniously titled MERRY LISTMAS. Make sure to check in every day over the holiday break for our daily lists!

You’ve no doubt seen the Top 10 Viral Videos of 2007 lists on every other “blog” on the “internet”, featuring the likes of internet celebs Chris Crocker, Tay Zonday’s “Chocolate Rain”, and one small and abused Japanese chipmunk. It’s pretty clear you guys don’t need to see those videos ever, ever again. Which is why we started thinking: What about all those videos that debuted this year that didn’t go viral? What of them?

Merry Listmas!Which is why we’d like to present the following list, as part of our Merry Listmas Series: The Top 10 Videos That Should Have Gone Viral in ’07, But Didn’t. Check out all the rere-ness those otehr blogs don’t want you do see.

10. Fat Cat Watching TV. Now, to be fair, this video was only uploaded a couple of weeks ago, meaning it still has time to blossom and become viral in its own right. And frankly, it’s got the makings of a real viral winner… in that it’s a fat cat watching TV. Those of you with fat cats at home might want to train that little chubby effer to crack open a can of bud and yell at his cat wife to stop blocking the television for a true viral sensation. Anyway, at #10, it’s a Fat Cat Watching TV. (And for those of you who haven’t had enough, here’s another fat cat watching TV.)

(Note: It could be argued that this video is currently on its way to being viral, but please understand that I was desperate to post it. Let’s just move on, yes?)

9. Fat Spanish Man Learns to Swim. Similar to the above video, only it’s a fat man, and he’s swimming. The focus, the intensity, the gentle push-off, that mask… it’s all so delicious! In other news, I’ve stapled this Youtube video to my fridge door to remind me not to eat that 18th piece of Pecan Pie tomorrow, and also as a reminder to get my humongous breasts waxed.

8. The Behind the Music parody video made for Miles Rosenthal’s Bar Mitzvah. Believe it or not, the production quality for little Miles Rosenthal‘s Bar Mitzvah Video is surprisingly pretty high. (Wait, did we say little — why, he’s a man now!) Looks like Miles’ parents really love him… and also, they probably own a Mac. The video is amazing summed up by this line: “While every cloud has its silver lining, Every Rosenthal has its thorns.” How is this kid not a BWE panelist??

7. “That’s a Big Shoe Horn”. Someone remix this line into a chart-topping Romanian dance mega-sensation, stat!

6. Bruce Lee & Chuck Norris Fighting to Unfitting Music. (NSFW). There’s something so raw, so special, watching Bruce and Chuck duke it out to a song about licking a donkey’s… well… it’s pretty special, and surprisingly viral! Yet, I’m guessing you’ve never seen it, so here’s your chance. (Good luck getting that “Suck My Dog’s D**k” line out of your head, ps.)

5. “What Are You Doing on New Year’s Eve” Cover. We really don’t have any idea who this guy is, and frankly we don’t really want to know. All we’d like to tell him is this: The world already has one Savage Garden. Let’s try to keep it that way.

4. Shirtless Guys Wearing Ties on iVillage Live. The following video is proof that NBC’s iVillage live is actually a secret underground daytime spoof show making fun of all the other morning talk shows. From the opening poll “What Should I Name My Dog” (Zsa Zsa Levine pulled in 26 percent, no lie), to the phony accented passive aggressive banter, to the fashion show that follows it, featuring out-of-work gay porn actors modeling neckties with no shirts on — none of it seems real! The only thing that does seem almost too real is the palpable sexual tension bubbling up in the audience of 40-something bored housewives, who were clearly hosed down in the next commercial break.

Also, it’s shirtless guys in ties! No need to thank me ladies.

3. Crazy Old Woman with Insanely Braided Dread Chunks Has Major Meltdown. I’m not gonna lie to you — I actually hate this video. A lot. It makes me… how do you say… uneasy? And yet, at the same time, I have never in my lifetime quite seen anything like it, which is the true definition of a viral video, is it not? So check out this grandmother (who, sidenote, is clearly being abused by her caretakers) having a panic attack over one of her grandsons getting a girlfriend. You will hate me and/or hate me for it.

2. Elephant Takes a Dump. This video should serve as a reminder for one very important rule of life that you should always keep in mind: Elephants… they take monster dumps. Such as this fellow, for example, who manages to crap out the weight of an entire third-grade class while two unsuspecting passengers simply assume the other one farted.

1. Wayne Gould’s Extreme Su Doku Masterclass Part 1. Ya’ll, this guy is really f*cking good at Su Doku. He teaches a f*cking Su Doku Masterclass. And not just any ol’ Masterclass…. and EXTREME one! Who does this guy think he is… Duff Goldmanon Ace of Cakes? Anyway, we can’t understand how a guy with this much zazz, who looks exactly like Rowan Atkinson, isn’t blowin’ up the tubes right now… which is why we’ve ranked the lovely Wayne Gould as number 1. Merry Christmas Wayne, wherever you may be (likely disappointing your nieces and nephews with more Su Doku books this holiday season).


MERRY LISTMAS: The 10 Least Essential Albums Of 2007

Matchbox 2010. Matchbox 20Exile On Mainstream

I enjoy a good “3 a.m.” or “Real World” karaoke as much as the next child of the nineties, but a certain bit of nostalgia gets lost when instead of whipping out a cracked Yourself or Someone Like You jewel case to amuse your friends, you pull out a brand new, two-disc, 20-track compilation that rips on itself in its own title. If you do not find your MB20 discography to be satisfactory after two or three or zero humorous downloads, and you’re really aching for that live cover of the Black Crowes’ “Remedy,” then, lucky consumer, the real world has just stopped hassling you.

J-Lo9. Jennifer LopezComo Ana Una Majer

If you made a pie chart to represent where Jennifer Lopez’s interests are directed these days, it might look like this: PREGNANCY / MILKING BABY PUBLICITY IN TABLOIDS – 2/3 of the pie, or the same amount of Domino’s Pizza that doesn’t fill you up but you decide you can’t morally continue to eat; MOVIE CAREER / LIVELIHOOD / ATTEMPTING TO LAND A LEGIT ROLE – The really big single slice that your friend who didn’t chip in for the pizza cause he just wanted one piece goes out of his way to grab, even though it’s not the next removable slice in either direction; CREATING NEW, CATCHY OR THOUGHT-PROVOKING MUSIC: The Mitch Hedberg “Donate It To Charity” slice, cut in half and left in the fridge overnight by your drunken roommate.

Smashing Pumpkins8. Smashing PumpkinsZeitgeist

Here’s a conversation that will not occur five years from now: “Hey, want to throw on some Smashing Pumpkins?” “Sure” “You guys thinkin’ what I’m thinkin?” (pause, then everyone shouts together): “ZEITGEIST!!!!” “Aw man, you even have the special edition brown cover!” “I got all the special edition album covers, just like any true fan of the Smashing Pumpkins!” “Skip ahead to ‘Tarantula’!” “I wanna hear “Come On — in parenthesis — Let’s Go!”…

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MERRY LISTMAS: The 10 Best Things To Happen To The Internet Because Of The Writers Strike

Merry Listmas!In the weeks that have passed since the film and television writers first went on strike and all of my favorite TV shows started to disappear from the air (right as I finally got an HDTV nonetheless!), my evening hours have passed with an unfulfilled boredom I’ve only managed to escape with alternately binge drinking at holiday parties and burning through my entire DVD collection. But the one ray of entertaining light that has shined through these bleak clouds of content-less television is the massive amounts of funny stuff the bored writers have been putting onto the Internet in support of their cause. I’ve taken the time to round up the Ten Best examples of this, which you may enjoy below (over and over again until this horrible strike ends and According To Jim finally gets its ass back onto your TV where it belongs).


10. Late Show Writers On Strike – Started by the striking staff of writers from The Late Show With David Letterman, this blog mostly just seems like an outlet for them to joke around and kill time with strike humor until they can finally get back to work. The posts range from a number of topics, and the comedy is hit-and-miss, sometimes hilarious, sometimes not so much. Sort of like The Late Show.

9. The Might Pencil – SNL’ers Kristen Wiig and Will Forte created a black-and-white 50′s PSA encouraging people to send pencils to the media moguls as a protest message demanding they give writers a fair deal. Pencil seduction never seemed quite so sexy.

8. HungVP158The Colbert Report writers take a jab at your average morally-retarded greed-mongering Hollywood studio executive by turning him into a video-blogger trying to explain why the writers do not deserve to be paid for their work when it is broadcasted online. SNL and Fred Armisen did sort of the same thing with Roger A. Trevanti, but HungVP158 does a better job of capturing the sleaziness of the species.

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