Lists

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The 10 Greatest Movie Shoes Of All Time

With the release of Nike’s Back To The Future-inspired NikeMag Shoes followed by Adidas’ Star Wars “Wampa Fur” Sneakers, it’s clear that Nike and Adidas are in a full-on nostalgia war, determined to win our somehow-earned pop culture dollars by appealing to our basic human love of movies.

To anticipate (and hopefully direct) where this Movie Shoe Nostalgia War is headed, we’ve compiled a list of The 10 Greatest Movie Shoes Of All Time (EXCLUDING the already-existing AirMags), along with the pros and cons of owning each one:

10. ‘Tequila’ Shoes, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure

PROS: Stylish, moveable, and will instantly win you the approval of bikers who were set on murdering you seconds earlier.

CONS: Your newfound confidence may cause you to instantly crash into a billboard.

9. Lloyd’s Furry Boots, Dumb And Dumber

PROS: Instantly lets Aspen-ites know that you’re a millionaire bigwig with taste; ideal for putting out the vibe.

CONS: You will have to repay that IOU slip at some point.

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8 Screenshots Of Feral Ron Swanson

Parks And Recreation made its triumphant Fourth-Season return this week. Among numerous highlights — and a legitimate bummer of a dilemma — was a glimpse into Ron Swanson’s personal “problem retreat,” a sort of “Timon & Pumba” style remote wilderness refuge only much beardier and with way more rules against talking.

To purge our envy of this tranquil head-clearing paradise, here are 8 Screenshots Of Feral Ron Swanson from the Parks & Rec premiere:

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20 Photos Proving That Nicolas Cage Is A Vampire

An eBay user recently claimed he’d found a photograph of Nicolas Cage in the 1870s, and offered to sell the photo for $1 million, arguing that it offered definitive proof that Nicolas Cage is an immortal vampire.

This, obviously, is insane. Not only is $1 million a ridiculous price to pay for something we already know, but also, tons of photos proving that Nicolas Cage is a vampire already exist. Here, to literally save you all a million dollars, are 20 More Photos Proving That Nicolas Cage Is A Vampire:

20.

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New Movie Game: Number Sequels!

Over the past decade, movie sequels have been trending towards coming up with creative (and often roundabout) titles to avoid simply being called “Original Movie 2″ — some good-bad examples include Shrek The Third, Fast Five, and perhaps the best of all, 5nal Destination (which was eventually changed).

In honor of this growing trend that surely hasn’t peaked yet, let’s play a new movie game. The object: Come up with the title of a movie’s sequel by jamming a number into that title. If 5nal Destination couldn’t do it, dammit, WE WILL. Some examples:

2 The Right Thing

3 Are Marshall

2 Velvet

Winnie The 2: Honey Never Sleeps

3 Thriceself And Ithreene

4 A Few Dollars 4

2 Framed Roger Rabbit?

The 3een Mile

5 Angry

The 2man Show

Baby 3niuses

A5 (Fifth installment in the Ethan Hawke “Alive” series)

4est Gump

6-Ass

The 3 Of Life (This one is DEFINITELY happening)

Final De6nation

Leave your own in the comments! This game is literally endless.

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14 Products From Future Movies That Should Already Exist

When Doc Brown’s announcement about Nike’s new real-life version of the Air Mag shoes from Back To The Future 2, we ecstatic but greedy popculturites were quick to wonder: What other technologies from futuristic movies should we work on next? Here are 14 wishful suggestions that science needs to hop on ASAP (the ‘S’ is for SCIENCE):

1. Hoverboards, Back To The Future 2

No sooner had we heard about the NikeMags than us ungrateful forward-thinking Back To The Future fans renewed our cries for real-life flying skateboards (even happily conceding that they won’t work on water). Marty McFly already set our childhood fun-xpectations unreasonably high 20 years ago, plus we haven’t had a true breakthrough in ‘board technology since those Lords Of Dogtown people did all those experiments with dogs or whatever. Get the hell on this, funologists!

2. The Three Seashells, Demolition Man

When Future Rob Schneider utters the immortal cinematic line “He doesn’t know how to use the three seashells!”, referring to the mysterious futuristic replacement for toilet paper, our only legitimate response — other than lauuuuughing and laaaaaughing til the cows come home — is to stop and say to ourselves, “Wait a minute – we haven’t even attempted to improve butt-wiping technology in more than a frickin’ century! Future Rob Schneider is makin’ copies of SCIENTIFIC INSIGHT!!” Although obviously, bathroom technology becomes a much more urgent societal concern in a future where every restaurant is Taco Bell.

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The Next 6 Mel Gibson Movies

Notorious stuff-sayer Mel Gibson announced that his next film will tell the story of the legendary Jewish hero Judah Maccabee, which has already incited predictable backlash from members of the Jewish community who have functioning memories.

Skeptics will assuredly argue that Gibson’s film is a blatant attempt to pander to a Jewish populace that he’s offended numerous times in the past, but that actually couldn’t be further from the truth; it’s actually just one of many fanatically pro-Jewish, pro-tolerance projects that he was working on long before his public image was tarnished by his own public image.

Here’s a glance into the future at The Next 6 Mel Gibson Movies to follow the Maccabee epic. Who’s the racist NOW, dawg (no race-o)?

1. “No, No, I Realize The Romans Did It” – A revisiting of The Passion showing how the Romans coerced and manipulated the mob of freespending, totally-regular-size-nosed locals to turn against Christ.

2. “Don’t Blow Me!” – A tale of gender equality in the modern workforce – though if you ask this movie, it thinks women are smarter than men! [This Movie Applauds]

3. “A Seriously Great Man” – Reboot of the 2009 Coen Brothers film “A Serious Man”, but without any bad parts. Mel Gibson co-stars and constantly high-fives the man.

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5 Iconic Album Covers Recreated As Pizzas

The U.K. company PizzaExpress recently held a competition inviting aspiring musician-pizzamakers (we don’t have a single word for this profession yet? Get with it, English) to recreate their favorite album covers in the form of pizza.

Here are the 5 Notable Pizza Album Covers — it’s an interesting hodgepodge of Pizza Top 40 meets pizzafied dorm room walls — but the results look delicious. Though people just don’t pay as much attention to pizza album art ever since the rise of iPizzas (or pPods? Whatever, you know the joke.) Click any of the pics for full size:

1. Madonna – True Blue

2. Jimi Hendrix – Kiss The Sky

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The 10 ACTUAL Worst Things To Put In Your Cover Letter

Unemployed? FUNemployed? Just out of college and looking for work? Here’s some help – The Wall Street Journal’s Fins Finance website just put together this resume-helping list of The Ten Worst Things To Put In Your Cover Letter, including employer turnoffs like “Personal Stories,” “Irrelevant Experience,” and “Wrong Company Info,” among others. The list is moderately informative, but the title is badly exaggerated — there are clearly WAY worse things than “Personal Stories” that a person could put in a cover letter.

To offer some more help in these tough economic times, here’s our far more comprehensive list of the 10 ACTUAL Worst Things To Put In Your Cover Letter. Happy employment!

1. Panther Death Threats

Threatening your prospective employer with a panther mauling may seem like an assertive, near-foolproof coverletter strategy, but research shows that it only increases your chances of getting hired by a marginal 6.7%, while it increases your chances of getting mauled by your own contracted panther by a far more significant 90,000% Don’t take the risk – keep that coverletter like a crappy zoo: panther-free.

2. Game Of Thrones Spoilers

It can be hard to resist the temptation to bring up HBO’s Game Of Thrones in every sentence you’re writing to a potential employer, but you simply have no way of knowing which episode of Game Of Thrones they’re on, or if they’ve even started watching it. Do you really want your first interaction with your potential boss to be you ruining the scene where Bran Stark’s direwolf goes down on that hot manticore? I’ll field that one: Game of NOes.

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9 Required Elements Of Any Great “As Seen On TV” Commercial

This Slushy Magic Commercial is currently airing on television. It is, by our estimation, the most perfect encapsulation of ‘what an As Seen On TV commercial is’ that humanity has ever seen. To prove this hypothesis and to aid future aspiring ridiculous-product shillers, we present this list of 9 Required Elements Of Any Great As Seen On TV Commercial, with evidence provided by the aforementioned Slushy Magic ad (taking the blue credit card screen as a given). Enjoy and be infomerted:

1. The ‘Tired Of THIS HAPPENING?’ Shot

Q: Why do we need this new product? A: Because it is literally impossible to use our current products without causing a minor apocalypse:

ARRGGGHHHHH there’s just NO OTHER WAY to blend things! Especially without some sort of magic “blender toppe.” But worry no longer!!!

For the sake of accurate footnotes, here’s several hundred more examples.

2. People Crushingly Depressed By The Current State Of Things

You’re feeding your kids REGULAR LIQUID JUICE? Just save yourself the $2.99 and kick them in their juicewanting faces:

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25 Stock Brokers Questioning Their Existence

With the latest stock market crash, the internet is abuzz with historically dramatic financial statistics and op-eds rushing to place the blame in every possible direction. Fortunately for us entertainment blogs, any “financial collapse” news always carries one amusing internet silver lining: Image websites suddenly fill up with TONS of new super-dramatic photos of stock brokers looking sad.

Below, here’s a taste of the internet’s latest wave of gloom-and-doom photos: 25 Photos Of Stock Brokers Questioning Their Existence:

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