Unemployed? FUNemployed? Just out of college and looking for work? Here’s some help – The Wall Street Journal’s Fins Finance website just put together this resume-helping list of The Ten Worst Things To Put In Your Cover Letter, including employer turnoffs like “Personal Stories,” “Irrelevant Experience,” and “Wrong Company Info,” among others. The list is moderately informative, but the title is badly exaggerated — there are clearly WAY worse things than “Personal Stories” that a person could put in a cover letter.
To offer some more help in these tough economic times, here’s our far more comprehensive list of the 10 ACTUAL Worst Things To Put In Your Cover Letter. Happy employment!
1. Panther Death Threats
Threatening your prospective employer with a panther mauling may seem like an assertive, near-foolproof coverletter strategy, but research shows that it only increases your chances of getting hired by a marginal 6.7%, while it increases your chances of getting mauled by your own contracted panther by a far more significant 90,000% Don’t take the risk – keep that coverletter like a crappy zoo: panther-free.
2. Game Of Thrones Spoilers
It can be hard to resist the temptation to bring up HBO’s Game Of Thrones in every sentence you’re writing to a potential employer, but you simply have no way of knowing which episode of Game Of Thrones they’re on, or if they’ve even started watching it. Do you really want your first interaction with your potential boss to be you ruining the scene where Bran Stark’s direwolf goes down on that hot manticore? I’ll field that one: Game of NOes.
This Slushy Magic Commercial is currently airing on television. It is, by our estimation, the most perfect encapsulation of ‘what an As Seen On TV commercial is’ that humanity has ever seen. To prove this hypothesis and to aid future aspiring ridiculous-product shillers, we present this list of 9 Required Elements Of Any Great As Seen On TV Commercial, with evidence provided by the aforementioned Slushy Magic ad (taking the blue credit card screen as a given). Enjoy and be infomerted:
1. The ‘Tired Of THIS HAPPENING?’ Shot
Q: Why do we need this new product? A: Because it is literally impossible to use our current products without causing a minor apocalypse:
ARRGGGHHHHH there’s just NO OTHER WAY to blend things! Especially without some sort of magic “blender toppe.” But worry no longer!!!
For the sake of accurate footnotes, here’s several hundred more examples.
2. People Crushingly Depressed By The Current State Of Things
You’re feeding your kids REGULAR LIQUID JUICE? Just save yourself the $2.99 and kick them in their juicewanting faces:
With the latest stock market crash, the internet is abuzz with historically dramatic financial statistics and op-eds rushing to place the blame in every possible direction. Fortunately for us entertainment blogs, any “financial collapse” news always carries one amusing internet silver lining: Image websites suddenly fill up with TONS of new super-dramatic photos of stock brokers looking sad.
Below, here’s a taste of the internet’s latest wave of gloom-and-doom photos: 25 Photos Of Stock Brokers Questioning Their Existence:
Rowan Atkinson, aka Mr. Bean (aka Love Actually jewelry salesman) was involved in a car crash Thursday night when his McLaren F1 supercar reportedly struck a tree and lamppost before catching fire. Atkinson received only minor shoulder injuries.
Even though the end result wasn’t tragic, in retrospect, we REAAALLY should’ve seen this car crash coming. To prove once again that laughtrack-aided hindsight is indeed 20/20, here’s a collection of The Five Most Reckless Clips Of Mr. Bean Driving:
5. Changing Clothes & Brushing Teeth
In honor of Shark Week, Discovery Channel’s annual one-week exSHARKaganza (ExtraFINganza? Extrava…teeth…thing?), here’s an exclusive behind-the-scenes peek of 7 Rejected Shows You Won’t Be Seeing During Shark Week:
PBS recently announced that they’re bringing back the beloved children’s classic Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood in the form of a new animated spin-off series entitled Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood. While this sounds like good news on paper, since it’ll allow a whole new generation of kids to experience some form of the unselfconscious positivity of the well-loved original series, we’ve been burned by remakes enough times to know that absolutely nothing is for certain, especially an attempt to spin-off Mister Rogers in the year 2011.
While we remain optimistic, here’s a list of 8 Things We Definitely Do Not Want To See In The New Mister Rogers Spin-Off:
1. Trolley Upgraded To Nissan Pathfinder Of Make Believe
2. King Friday Replaced With Seven Vampires
If there’s one iron-clad rule in marketing, movies or otherwise, it’s “Sex Sells.” If there is another ironer-cladder rule in marketing, it’s “People Notice Boobs.” Or to take the advice one step further, “Boobs boobs boobs.” You are now all licensed postermakers.
The new sideboob poster for Sarah Michelle Gellar’s show Ringer got me thinking (first about boobs and then) “What are the all-time most blatant uses of boobs in posters?”
From posters entirely centered around the lead actresses’ cleavage to subtler posters that still go out of their way to make sure those boobs are clearly noticeable, here’s a list of The 30 Most Blatant Uses Of Boobs In Movie Posters:
1. Cruel Intentions
2. Romance And Cigarettes
The first official teaser trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man hit the web this week, and to the untrained eye, it MAY look exactly like the other three Spider-Man movies just with different, more attractive actors (Martin Sheen – RAWR!).
However, if you pay extra-close attention, you’ll realize that the new revamped, rebooted 2011 Spider-Man contains numerous aspects that weren’t in any of the other films, making it a fresh and thoroughly necessary update on a stale film franchise
Here are 10 Things In The Amazing Spider-Man That Weren’t In Any Of The Other Movies:
1. Kindles now much cheaper.
2. LeBron James now on Heat.
3. South Sudan now an independent nation.
4. Gasoline up roughly $1.50 / gallon.
5. Spider-Man musical finished.
Have you always wanted to see all the Wonders of the World, but just don’t have the time or money or Bucket List disease to make it happen? Now you’re in luck!
Here’s a list of 15 of the Most Amazing Places In The World As Seen On Google Maps — now you can experience all the genuine awe of the world’s most beautiful places simply by scrolling down! Get ready to EXPERIENCE THE WORLD:
1. The Grand Canyon
2. The Sistine Chapel
Press Play & Scroll Slowly While Holding Someone You Love…