It’s The Walking Dead Midseason Premiere!!! Y…ay? Are we excited? Better kill some zombies quick before we start remembering how much time we all wasted searching for Sophia…
Yayy, killing zombies!!! What were we talking about? Ahh yes – SPOILER ALERT – Hershel’s entire undead family was just slaughtered before his eyes by Shane and Co., capped off with an encore performance of Rick shooting walker-Sophia in the head and a rousing double-encore of “Born To Run” (I didn’t think he’d play it!!!!)
Following this grisly incident, Rick declares that they’re gonna have a funeral for Hershel’s loved ones and for Sophia, partly to continue pretending that they retain some semblance of a still-organized human society, and partly because Shane just really misses those rolled-up cold cuts at funeral spreads:
Everyone starts fighting again, and Rick & Shane punch the 12th spot on their “Frequent Fighterz” card and earn themselves a free fight:
It’s Top Chef Texas Episode 14 entitled “Mentors”, and it’s the final episode before the Finale, which is between 2 and 7 episodes long, we’re never quite sure. We ARE sure of two things that will happen in the Finale:
1) Padma will say “Here’s some helping hands that you mayyyyy recognizeeeee…” and the Last 4 Eliminated Chefs will re-enter followed by a fake-tearful reunion, and…
2) Paul wins. Seriously, this season should be called Top Bloodbath, if that name weren’t already taken by a TLC reality show about a blood bank owned by a crazy family (Grandma Edna the after-donation cookie-baker is my favvvv!!!)
Before the Quickfire, Bravo finally reveals the winner of Last Chance Kitchen – will it be Beverly, or will it be Grayson’s Dateline Re-Enactment actress:
We know it’s going to be Beverly because she shouldn’t have lost in the first place and we know Bravo isn’t gonna introduce this whole big new side-feature just to have Grayson come back one week later and render last week’s episode obsolete. OR WILL TH-nah, they won’t.
It’s Top Chef Texas episode 13 entitled Bike, Borrow & Steal, meaning the chefs will have to bike around San Antonio, borrow kitchens from local restaurants, and apparently steal sh*t? “I’m not here to steal pens,” they all keep telling the camera, then Beverly cries somewhere.
For the Quickfire, the chefs walk in to see a giant table full of pancakes that end up not getting used in any way so f*ck you, 19th century street urchins:
Remember last week when the chefs did a benefit for the Healthy Choice ‘End Childhood Hunger’ campaign? A decent start would’ve been giving those 4,000 pancakes to some kids.
Oop, no time for talky talk because Pee-Wee Herman is here!
It’s Top Chef Texas episode 12 entitled “Block Party”, and to be perfectly up front, this recap is gonna be all downhill after that opening cat photo, as will the entire rest of my writing career and possibly life. But we’re in this season TOGETHER, dammit, so I’ll type some nonsense words about that episode we just saw and you can follow along and keep scrolling back up to that cat pic when you get bored. Deal?
BREAKING NEWS: Paul has just been named the winner of this Top Chef season via Mercy Rule. Congrats, Paul! Top Chef will be moving on to the next season starting next week. Seems only fair.
Wait, actually I’ve been misinformed. What I actually heard was, Ron Paul has been named the winner of this Top Chef season via Mercy Rule. Actually no, this source might be unreliable. I’ve actually just been checking a Slovakian NHL Trade Rumors website, and I can’t read any of this. It might not be about Top Chef at all – I’ll hit Google Translate and get back to you.
In the meantime, only 6 chefs left, so ONWARD TO THE QUICKFIRE:
It’s Top Chef Texas Episode 10, “Restaurant Wars,” the most
not really different from any other week anticipated challenge of the year! And this year, it’s a Battle Of The Sexes!!! The restaurants are gonna be so different! Girl Restaurant’s gonna be all like “Wahhhhh I like shopping for pink things I’m a restaurant” and Guy Restaurant is gonna be like “UGGHHH I’m tryna’ watch the RESTAURANT GAME, Restaurant Wife!” These restaurants are married and soo different (but they’re really two peas in a pod).
It’s at this point I should note that I’ve been extremely feverish the last three days and my memory of this episode is more than a little hazy, as is my current state of mind. No Quickfire this week, so let’s get to the ‘cappin!
And wouldn’t you know it, just seconds after the Guy Restaurant (Paul, Ty-Lor, Ed, Chris J) gets going, we have our first “what the hell is anything anyone ever does in Restaurant Wars?” decor shot of the episode:
It’s Top Chef Texas Episode 8 entitled “Tribute Dinner”, and it is time to take Top Chef outta the BRONZE AGE and into the TWITTER TWAGE with the first-ever Web 2.0 Synergy Kloutfire #Challenge. This week, Top Chef fans will Tweet in the Twickfire twrules in real-time, even though this is being taped in like June of 2008, so it’s basically a Twit-quivalent of the Mr. Show Pretaped Call-In Show.
Tom checks the Tweets on his phone, and gets easily distracted:
The First Rule Of Twit Challenge: It is fine to talk about Twit Challenge, cause that movie The Fighting Club was years ago. Also, cook something with bacon. Simple enough! Looks like this is gonna be an eaaasy twallenge.
Then, the Twit-twists start rolling in:
It’s Top Chef Texas episode 7, entitled “Game On”, which was also the title of the first episode of the first reality show in history (a 1932 radio serial called “Y’all Survive Now, Y’hear?” where contestants tried to literally survive the Dust Bowl. They’d always be like, “I’m here to cook MY food to survive the Dust Bowl”.)
The guest judge is Tim Love (surprised it’s taken this long to see him), and for the Quickfire, the chefs will have to prepare dishes that pair well with Don Julio tequila, meaning, they will have to prepare a dish and set it next to some tequila. “I made a lime-infused worm with an end of night bad idea reduction…”
After 12 shots of tequila, Tim and Padma are a little tipsy when it comes time to judge:
It’s the Boardwalk Empire Season 2 Finale, entitled “To The Lost”, which PROVES my theory that this whole show has just been a big extended prequel to Lost. WHAT DID I TELL YOU??? Van Alden is Jacob, Nucky is Rose, Jimmy is that jug of wine that got dramatically shattered in the last season, Margaret is the island, and Al Capone is Al Capone (who was secretly on the island the whole time you just never saw him).
We open on Jimmy and Richard confronting a secret Klan meeting (not one of those fun ones where they sing cool Bluegrass songs), and they immediately open fire, killing two Klansmen and demanding to know which three members shot up Chalky White’s warehouse in the Season Opener:
Two people violently dead two seconds into the episode? The Season Finale is underway!
It’s Top Chef Texas Episode 6, entitled “Higher Steaks,” and I think we can all tell from that title what the chefs will be cooking this week: Hi-C and Beefsteak Tomatoes. Sounds like a gross challenge, but as we know, everything is SOMETHINGER in Texas (I don’t know, I’m running out of these).
First things first, this episode included my absolute favorite moment of the Top Chef Season so far – This royalty-free knockoff version of the “Dallas” theme song:
WHO STABBED R.J.??? Never forget…
It’s Top Chef Texas Episode 5, entitled Don’t Be Tardy for the Dinner Party, and after last week’s sleep-deprivation Chili Cookoff that caused seven chefs to confess cumin-related war crimes under duress, we are heading to Dallas! Dallas, eh? Looks like it’s time to give Patrick Duffy a call so he can cue up this classic TV theme song!
First things first – Chris C, the season’s “pretty boy” (though with this group, it’s not unlike being the “pretty boy” on a senate subcommittee) says he used to be fat, and shows this picture to prove it:
Also, Chris used to be a nerd, a tomboy, and got bullied all the time in school but now he’s nominated for an Oscar! (Is what Chris would say if he were a super-attractive actress on The Tonight Show). What are we talking about?
Oh yeah, the crazy smiley guest judge John Besh: