It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 7, entitled “Pretty Much Dead Already”, and it’s the Midseason Finale – I’m not sure that’s an actual thing, but if the Season Finale brought us a hilariously exploding CDC, I imagine that this week’s partial finale will feature a somewhat-chuckle-inducing, half-exploding Hershel farm? Close, actually!
The episode opens with Glenn “The Inverse Secret” telling the entire group about the barn full of walkers, though he does manage not to ruin the ‘Lori pregnancy’ secret and also resists telling everyone about the time he masturbated into Dale’s hat. The groupies react to the news with predictable differences of opinion; Rick, being the diplomat, wants to give Hershel a chance to explain himself so the groups can continue co-existing. Shane, being a guy who wants to shoot barns full of things at any opportunity, wants to shoot the entire barn full of walkers, and for good measure, he also wants to leave the farm because Sophia’s “Pretty Much Dead Already.”
Carl is personally offended by his father-figure’s sudden hopelessness, and reacts by really vulgarly ripping on Shane:
It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 6 entitled “Secrets”, and no, that’s not a reference to the Conan “Secrets” segments – it refers to Lori’s pregnancy, Lori’s relationship with Shane, Hershel’s barn full of walkers, Lori’s relationship with Hershel’s barn full of walkers, Lori’s pregnancy from Hershel’s barn full of walkers, Hershel’s pregnancy from Shane, and Shane’s barn full of walkers that he makes pregnant. And everyone only told Glenn.
While Glenn wrestles with his inner Cindy Brady, the group takes a nice break from their grueling “looking for that kid whose sustained life becomes more questionable by the second” schedule for a fun afternoon of target practice!
The target practice is purportedly to find someone good enough at shooting to accompany Shane on his Sophia search, but 1) Why can’t Rick just go? and 2) If gunshots attract walkers and they’ve been super-careful this whole time about using guns unless it’s 100% necessary, then why are they firing hundreds of loud bullets at cans? Also, how many bullets do they have? And most of all, where did they get all these handy target bottles?
It’s Top Chef: Texas episode 3, entitled “Quinceanera”, a reference to the famous “coming of age” party for Latin American girls turning fifteen, as we learned from this episode and will treat like a common fact we already knew because we are broad-minded white people. Seriously, some of my best friends are having Quinceaneras! Wait, no they’re not, that’s worse. Ahh whatever, I lose.
For the Quickfire, the chefs better get ready to have their cages RATTLED and their…something… snaked… fangs! It’s snakes. They’re cooking rattlesnakes.
And when they find out “it had to be snakes,” obviously, it instantly reminds us of the famous Indiana Jones quote:
It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 6 entitled “Chupacabra”, and either that’s gonna be a metaphor for someone’s faded idea of something they once saw or this show is about to take a seriously weird turn. Maybe this week a chupacabra falls in the well and they spend twenty minutes devising an elaborate pulley system to remove it (Glenn is the pulley) then they turn it into a physics report and throw that physics report at a walker who again turns out to be Daryl?
We open on The Rick Kidz Klub discussing yet another expedition to search for Sophia (after 5 episodes, they’re allowed to just leave, right? Like the ‘college professor not showing up’ 10 minute rule?) So why will this search be different? Because Rick has sketched out a map with GRIDS and QUADRANTS and SECTORS and seriously it’s just a big green blob and some arrows:
Top Chef Preseason keeps rolling along with Top Chef: Texas Episode 2, entitled “The Heat Is On” (or “The H Is O”, if you’re in a rush, which we are because we have 9 trillion chefs to eliminate before we can start the competition. Literally 9 trillion! They hired the earth’s population many times over this year through advanced cloning techniques, and it’s still surprisingly nonengaging to watch.)
Our colleague Noah Garfinkel (aka “Noah Garfinkle” in randomly angry comments) summed up our early-season boredom pretty accurately, saying that the only genuinely gripping aspect of Top Chef comes once you’re familiar with the contestants and are rooting for or against certain ones, and the Texas Twist is merely extending the portion of the show before it becomes engaging. Which makes sense. On the other hand, EMTattoos:
It’s The Walking Dead Season 2 Episode 4, entitled “Cherokee Rose,” brought to you by Cherikee Red, the cherry-flavored soft drink that still unbelievably exists in Pennsylvania and Ohio.
We rejoin The Walking Team right after Shane’s much-talked-about turn for the a-hole (I literally had a water cooler installed at work so I could stand around it and talk to co-workers about the Shane thing last week), and the group is holding an honorary rock-pile funeral for Otis to exercise their grief. Otis’ girlfriend steps forward and tells Shane to say a few words about Otis, because that’s definitely what would happen:
It’s the Top Chef: Texas Season Premiere! And if you had “Literally Zero Seconds” in your “When will they make the first ‘Everything’s Bigger In Texas’ joke,” congratulations, because that’s the title of the first episode! Also “Don’t Mess With Texas” was the title of Episode Negative One, so that’s already out of the way too.
This season, the field has swelled to TWENTY-NINE CHEFS, and the first two full episodes will consist of whittling (like a cowboy! Too soon…) that group down to the standard sixteen so we can start the daggum show. Full Disclosure: I have no idea what anyone’s name is and will make absolutely no effort to begin to learn them until at least Episode 3, and even then I’ll call like seven people Chris.
Fortunately, Bravo knows that we’re confused, and every chef sports a quirky accessory so we can tell them apart, not unlike The Smurfs:
I am rooting SO HARD for diving helmet falcon guy. His name’s Chris, right?
It’s Boardwalk Empire Season 2, Episode 18 (#6 this season) entitled “The Age Of Reason”, and like you in class when you haven’t read the assignment but can’t resist talking, let’s discuss the title. Margaret’s family priest kicks things off by uttering the titular line, noting that 7-year-old Teddy has “reached the age of reason” and is ready for his First Confession; I get that 7-year-olds might understand basic right and wrong, but that’s really the “age of reason?” This rule was clearly established in biblical times back when the average human lived to be eleven.
Father Brennan also tells Margaret that she’ll have to confess in order to set a good example, but it’ll be totally confidential — “Just speak into my giant wire-shaped collar, and God will forgive you” — but Nucky isn’t on board, possibly because he violates 7 of the 10 commandments every time he eats breakfast:
It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 3, entitled “Save The Last One,” a weird mash-up of “Save The Last Dance” and “Let The Right One In” where a white girl from the midwest falls in love with a kid from the wrong side of the Vampire Tracks (the side of the tracks where the kids are vampires). It’s a tale as old as time.
We open on Shane taking another patented steamy Walking Dead shower, only this time, he’s staring into his own blurry reflection, shorthaired and stonefaced, and almost kiiiind of looks like a walker. Looks like a classic AMC pre-credits teaser – what will it end up meaning? Then the Breaking Bad stuffed animal floats by (it’s a zombie now).
Back in the present, Shane and Otis are still stuck amongst eighty billion zombies at the high school, and after fending them off through a fence for a while, they finally motivate themselves to make a run for it:
It’s The Walking Dead Season 2, Episode 2, entitled “Bloodletting”, and after an unexpected 10-minute intro of Pearl Jam performing a rewritten, zombie-themed “Yellow Bloodletter”, we pick up right after last week’s #DEERGATE with Rick frantically rushing his dying son to a mysterious but shockingly zombieless farmhouse.
With some guidance from Otis (aka Deadwood alum Pruitt Taylor Vince), the hunter who accidentally shot that deer when he was aiming for Carl, Rick rushes into the house, super-awkwardly tries to introduce himself, and quickly gets his son under the emergency care of Herschel, the farm’s proprietor and the country doctorest sounding country doctor who ever doctored in the country.
Fortunately, Herschel seems to have this ‘human medicine’ thing totally under control: