Recap

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Boardwalk Empire Recap: Diff’rent Strokes

On a show with so many boobs and so many murders, it was really only a matter of time before someone got murdered by boobs.

It’s Boardwalk Empire Season 2, Episode 4 entitled “What Does The Bee Do?” And if by “Bee” we mean Gretchen Mol’s “bee-oobs,” then the answer to that question is “they cause The Commodore to have a stroke.”

Waaaaaittttt aaaaaaaa minnuuuuttttteee… A high-ranking but generally mean-spirited antagonist suffered a crippling stroke in the middle of sexual passion? That seems awfully familiar…

So just how powerful is Naked Gretchen Mol? Here’s a handy diagram (NSFW):

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The Walking Dead Season 2 Premiere Recap: SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS!

The Walking Dead is back! It’s Season 2, Episode 1, and it couldn’t come at a better time — there’s nothing like some zombie-fueled methadone to slowly wean us off our Breaking Bad addiction. Though actually, wouldn’t that be an addiction to meth? Whoops! Now we’re just taking two unrelated drugs. THANKS, AMC!

As we recall (thanks to a haphazard five-second “Previously” segment that was like half a zombie’s face and Shane pouring wine), Season 1 ended with a steamy Cinemax shower scene turned Center For Disease Control F***ing Exploding (RIP and LOL), leaving the remaining survivors (aka, THE WALKING DEAD, a double-meaning that hit me like a month after Season 1 so why are you even trusting me to do these recaps) to hit the road in search of a location free of zombies and zombie-sympathizing suicidal doctors.

We open on Rick Grimes, therapeutically explaining the situation to his walkie talkie:

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Breaking Bad Season Finale Recap: Saved By The Bell

It’s the Breaking Bad Season 4 Finale, entitled “Face Off”. Yes, really. But can this episode possibly go down as the greatest filmed thing ever to be titled “Face/Off”??? Nicolas Cage says “I don’t think so, and also I can eat a peach for hours.”

The Finale opens with Walt and Jesse at the hospital immediately following last week’s failed Gus-bombing attempt (trying to kill a major character in a non-Season Finale is an automatic recipe for disaster), with Walt pressuring Jesse to think of any surveillance-free location where they can possibly lure Gus to finish the job. Jesse’s like, “I don’t know, the yellow shirt factory?” They agree and lure Gus to the yellow shirt factory and blow him up then spend 50 minutes high-fiving Walt’s baby. Crazy finale!

Nope – There’s only one location Jesse can think of, and it’ll involve striking a deal with that little bellcat himself, Hector Salamanca:

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Boardwalk Empire Recap: From Tusk Til Dawn

It’s Boardwalk Empire Season 2, Episode 2 entitled “Ourselves Alone”, and with The Commodore’s town-mutiny in full swing, now’s as good a time as ever to prove that he can lift a giant elephant tusk over his head. FUN FACT: That’s actually how all disputes were settled before 1950, up to and including every presidential election. Nucky’s being held for election fraud because he failed to involve a tusk.

And if the Commodore’s tusk-lifting didn’t convince everyone that he has a well-thought out plan to run this town, he threw in another bear analogy for good measure: “When destiny comes calling, do you want to be the bear? Or do you want to be holding the shotgun?”

“Can I be a bear holding a shotgun?” “No you cannot, Eli.”

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Breaking Bad Recap: The PenWALTimate Showdown

It’s the second to last episode of Breaking Bad Season 4, entitled “End Times”, and The TIME… for QUESTIONS… is OVER! Actually there are very few questions because this show is very literal and progresses logically and clearly, but I still miss those Lost promos. WHAT’S IN THE HATCH??? Oh yeah, the giant meth lab, never mind. They’ve showed that a bunch of times.

The Season 4 semifinal picks up right after last week’s laughathon, with DEA agents coming to Walt’s house to bring the White family into protective custody after Marie’s shrill urging. Walt knows that he’s the real target (Hank’s death threat smacks of rote copying) and tells Skyler he’s not coming with them, and if Hank asks why, just tell him “I have to go work at the car wash where I will wait to be car wash murdered by a carwashlord who’s trying to kill me.”

Skyler reacts to Walt’s refusal by making a beautiful face:

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Boardwalk Empire Season 2 Premiere Recap: Nuck Hunt

It’s Boardwalk Empire Season 2 time! This week’s episode: “21″. Is this a Mario Brothers-esque allusion to “Season 2, Episode 1,” or is this week’s episode a really far in advance prequel to that Kevin Spacey blackjack movie?

After all the ultragraphic violence and sex and twists and turns and gangsters and “Hey I’m Al Capone” and old timey music and cheating and backstabbing and facestabbing and conniving and liquor and surprise square-agent babies in Season 1, how is Terence Winter gonna top it in Season 2?

Wait, did I DVR the right show? BRIEF nudity? Ahhh, I must’ve mistakenly taped an episode of Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales For Every Child. It’s the Princess and the Pea, but the pea is Asian. Well, we’re here, might as well recap it.

Lots of GUNS and BOOBS and PHOTOSHOPPED WORD BALLOONS after the jump:

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Breaking Bad Recap: Nickelodeon’s CRAWL THAT

Before we get into Episode 11 of Breaking Bad Season 4 entitled “Crawl Space,” AMC gives us a sneak preview of the hot new ABC show about hot doctors hottin’ it up:

“Looks ADDICTIVE.” – Another local tv dude desperately trying to get his pull quote used.

Turns out, we’ve got way bigger problems this week than just Gus’ little poisoning — let’s BREAK it down after the jump (by which I mean dance really well):

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Breaking Bad Recap: Montezuma’s Revenge

It’s time for Season 4, Episode 10 entitled “Salud” — if I didn’t know any better, I’d guess this episode is gonna involve an important toast, or perhaps a salad-themed rapper named Tozzd Salud (maybe that’s who writes all that weird-ass Jesse music in this show? FINALLY we’ll learn the TRUTH.org).

Either way, if you’ve never watched Breaking Bad, this viewing guide description really does a good job of conveying how thrilling the show is:

A birthday AND lab skills all in the same episode??? I haven’t been this glued to my seat since that Enrico Fermi episode of “Science Birthdays,” back when I dropped glue all over my chair and sat in it (but also I was excited for the show).

Viewing Guide zingers aside, “Salud” was once again the best and Breaking Bad remains the best; let’s now talk about its greatness in order of least-most exciting plotline to most exciting plotline:

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A Few Words On The Entourage Series Finale

The Entourage Series Finale was garbage.

Allow me to elaborate.

I’ve actually been defending Entourage for the past 3-4 seasons while the rest of the internet has increasingly treated its irredeemable terribleness as a foregone conclusion. I haven’t been arguing that Entourage is a “good” show or even something I particularly enjoy, but I feel an inexplicable and perhaps misguided duty to evaluate exactly the ways in which the show is now “bad,” and have continued to watch it almost for no other purpose than to avoid turning into one of those “Show X SUCKS now” people who hasn’t seen that show in 3 years.

The thing is, I don’t really enjoy Entourage and I never really laugh at it, but I have a hard time criticizing a show that so clearly delivers what it professes to deliver: A semi-voyeuristic glimpse into the lives of well-off showbiz people whose problems aren’t truly severe by any real-world estimation. THIS IS WHAT THE SHOW IS ABOUT. Complaining that the characters on Entourage are douchey, delusional rich people navigating relatively stakes-free dilemmas is akin to complaining that the characters on Ice Road Truckers drive trucks on ice too often.

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Breaking Bad Recap: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

We’re into Season 4, Episode 9, entitled “Bug”. We all know the Breaking Bad title rules (THERE ARE NO RULES!!!! Actually there are some, I just can’t mention ‘rules’ without yelling that or people will think I’m not extreme and don’t mainline Mountain Dew Code Red). So what will be the second meaning of the word “Bug”?

Obviously one “bug” is the bug that Walt placed on Gus’ car, but what will be the secret special crazysexycool “Ohhh, BUG” moment? A Bug’s Life? The Dinosaur Jr. album “Bug”? Hitler Bug? OH MAN I hope it’s Hitler Bug. Actually, if it did turn out to be Hitler bug, Breaking Bad would justify the situation so immediately and legitimately, you wouldn’t have a split-second to doubt this show’s superlative greatness.

“Bug” episode opens with a classic Breaking Bad foreshadowing moment: A blurry sequence of dripping blood, broken glasses, and a close-up of shoes (soon revealed to be Walt’s shoes). Although, as a friend pointed out, does it really count as “foreshadowing” when Breaking Bad literally shows a thing that happens in the future? We need a new term for that. “Teasin’ the Bear Eye?” DONE. Patent that. Moving on:

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