Breaking Bad Episode 5 Recap: ROAAAADDD TRIIIIIIP!

It’s Season 4, Episode 5 of Breaking Bad, entitled “Shotgun”, and if we know one thing about Breaking Bad episode titles — Box Cutter, Bullet Points, Fluoride In Walt’s Toothpaste And Also ACID (one of the weaker episode titles) — it’s that we’re headed for a cryptic double-meaning of the word “Shotgun” where one of the meanings is very violent.

SHOTGUN MEANING NUMBER ONE: Jesse is riding shotgun in the car with Mike. Adorable!

We know that Mike isn’t gonna kill Jesse (though Jesse is nervous anyway, because he doesn’t know that he’s the main character on a tv show and won’t get killed. Though actually, based on his recent behavior, maybe he exactly knows that?) We also know that the best show on television isn’t gonna stoop to some lame escape cliche where Jesse’s tied up but he remembers Walt’s chemistry and burns himself free with like, sulfur in the ground then kills Mike with his keys.

So why is Mike wordlessly driving Jesse out into the middle of the desert and grabbing a shovel? For some incompressible reason, Jesse is nervous:

Uhoh. At this point, Jesse’s praying against long odds that the second “Shotgun” reference is just Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” playing in a Pollos restaurant…

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Breaking Bad Episode 4 Recap: Karaoke Time!

Time for Breaking Bad Season 4, Episode 4, entitled “Bullet Points” — ooh, ooh, I’ll bet that’s gonna be a double-meaning and the episode will include both written bullet points and ‘bullets being shot’ bullet points (aka “Bullet Points Classique”), right? Am I right?

We’ll get to that in a sec, but first things first: GALE’S KARAOKE VIDEO.

Amazing, right? Does any drama on tv earn its comic moments more than Breaking Bad? Just when you think the show’s setting up for a dramatic turn where Walt realizes how close Hank is to discovering him, Breaking Bad launches into the most unexpectedly irreverent tv karaoke moment this side of Tim & Eric’s “Come Over” video. AND, Gale’s video is the dramatic turn where Walt realizes how close Hank is to discovering him, and as Hank and Walter Jr. laugh at Gale’s nerdery, Walt cannot help but be paralyzed with fear. I will once again take this opportunity to point out how much this show rules.

Alright, enough karaoke (kidding! No such thing! But we have to move on, we’ve got a bunch of crappy PhotoShops we have to be mildly amused by.) Onto the rest of the fantastic Fourth Episode:

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Breaking Bad Episode 3 Recap: Desperate Open-Housewives

It’s time for Breaking Bad Season 4, Episode 3: Revenge Of The Me-th. (Instead of Sith. No? We’re off to a flying start.) Taking a brief break(ing Bad! Already got the titular line in) from Walt and his Walking Tall quest for revenge, this week’s episode opens with poor Marie, who, alienated from her own mineral-filled household, has taken to inventing personas and backstories for herself and attending random open houses:

Fake Marie proudly introduces herself to a variety of quirky real estate agents and rattles off fascinating made-up details about her fantasy life: her genius kids, her NASA husband, her Peace Corps brother, and her dog who is literally Mozart. And, for added ‘vague lashing out at world that’s dealt her a rough hand,’ she’s reverted back to stealing random objects, and not just any random objects, but super-conspicuous Puerto Rico spoons from the center of giant openly-displayed spoon collections. Is the blatantness of her thievery an intentional component to this thrill-world she’s created, or did she just really, really want that Puerto Rico spoon? Judging by how much glee I get by typing the phrase “Puerto Rico spoon,” I’m guessing it’s the latter.

Meanwhile, back inside the geode where and Marie now live, Hank’s stir craziness is reaching new levels of asshattery:

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Breaking Bad Episode 2 Recap: Ain’t No Party Like A Gun-Meth Party

After an insane Season 4 Premiere, we move on to Episode 2 of Breaking Bad Season 4 (or Episode 1 P.S.G.T-C.S. – Post Super Gross Throat-Cutting Scene). The episode opens with Walt purchasing an illegal serial-number-free firearm from an apparent philosophy professor turned gun-runner:

The dealer tells Walt that if the gun is strictly for defense, he’d be better off just buying a legal firearm, but Walt declines the advice and insists “It’s for defense. ON OPPOSITE DAY! Not on opposite day. Ignore that. Yayyy defense.”

Walt’s blatant lying clues us in on two aspects of where his mind is right now:

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Breaking Bad Premiere Recap: Horrible Boxes

Alright, we’re recapping Breaking Bad. I make this decision with much trepidation, mostly because unlike the other shows I’ve enjoyed recapping — namely Top Chef, Lost, and The Walking DeadBreaking Bad already possesses a tremendous sense of humor about itself, plus compared to those other (also great) shows, it’s a tad less… completely f***ing ridiculous all the time?

That said, Breaking Bad is also my favorite show on tv and I like talking about it, so I’m just gonna go ahead and do that now. Plus 100% of people that I just surveyed in my empty office love my awful Photoshops of really good tv shows, so I wouldn’t want to deprive the me-sses. Masses. I meant masses.

Your spoiler-filled Breaking Bad Season 4 Premiere Recap is after the jump:

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So “The Kennedys” Is Terrible

The Myth: The History Channel commissioned an 8-episode miniseries about The Kennedys starring Greg Kinnear as JFK, Barry Pepper as Robert, Katie Holmes as Jackie-O, and Tom Wilkinson as Joseph Kennedy Sr., but ended up not airing the series because it was too controversial, then the rights were acquired by the Reelz Channel so it could finally be seen!

Much More Likely: The History Channel didn’t air the series because it is completely f***ing terrible, then the Reelz Channel aired it because they didn’t care that it is completely f***ing terrible.

Forget every synonym of the word “controversial” that you’ve heard during the modest, intentionally-flame-fanned leadup to the Kennedys minieries. Forget the “conservative critics love it” controversy, or controversies about historical inaccuracies, or controversies about perceived, tough-to-digest historical accuracies, or controversies about peoples’ enjoyment of the miniseries largely overlapping with their modern-day political affiliations. Ignore all of these controversies because The Kennedys doesn’t deserve them; it’s a horribly-conceived, horribly-written piece of schlocky historical hindsight that essentially takes the average American’s casual understanding of John F. Kennedy’s life, tosses in inhumanly literal dialogue, and juices up every second with a loud stringy soundtrack to trick you into thinking you’re watching genuine drama.

I watched the first three Kennedys episodes over the weekend, and ordinarily I would now qualify my review with the obligatory “I can’t fully judge an eight-part series on three parts,” but honestly, I could’ve properly judged the terribleness of this miniseries just by looking at the titles of the episodes:

Failed Invasion, Failed Fidelity?? Probably wasn’t intentional, but there couldn’t have been a more prescient summation of the entire series than a built-in repetition of the word “FAIL.”

After the jump, let’s go into details about the two suckiest aspects of The Kennedy’s sucking:

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It’s the Top Chef All-Stars Finale! The real one, not Part 1 of 4 where they have to cook for a king who turns out to be not a king and how is that a twist because the stakes are infinitely lower (so many chefmories)!

It’s down to Richard Blais and Mike Isabella, and their Final Challenge is to “Provide a glimpse into your future as a great chef.” Richard says he dreams of someday having a restaurant where “you come in and I cook you my style of food” (it’s also a restaurant where he’s in it to win it and not there to make friends), while Mike Isabella shows the judges a crystal ball of his future self as a fat fish with a long white beard.

All the All-Stars and Jamie are back, and they’re all wearing their Wackee Finalee Glasses:

Everyone got their Cheffin’ glasses on? It’s TOP CHEF SEASON 8 FINALE RECAP TIME (my superhero-entrance declaration needs shortening):

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Asian Wingz And Food D*cks: A Trip To Angelo From Top Chef’s New Restaurant

Two weeks ago, Top Chef finalist and Crocadile Aficionado Angelo Sosa opened a new restaurant in midtown Manhattan called “Social Eatz” (SIC). Since Noah Garfinkel and I are both exquisite connoisseurs of fine cuisine, Top Chef, and putting the letter Z on the end of thingz, we decided to take a trip to the Asian-inspired snack-food jaunt to sample some real-life Top Chef cooking, just like our moms (the lesbians from Top Chef Season 4) used to make.

Social Eatz — named for its laid-back-but-upscale ambiance and also Z — is located at 53rd st and 2nd Avenue, right in the heart of Manhattan’s “What The F*ck Is Over Here After 5 pm, Werewolves Or Something?” District. When we arrived at the restaurant, we couldn’t help but immediately notice that it’s conveniently located right next to a not-unpornographic DVD depot:

Immediately after entering, Noah used the bathroom to “wash his hands” (like the people in the viewing booths next door claim they’re doing – high fivez!), and he took note of the oddly suggestive Bathroom Door Food Genitalia:

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TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: The Last Supper (Before Next Week’s Finale)

It’s the TOP CHEF ALL-STARS FINALE!!!! Almost! It’s the third of four Bahamas Finale episodes, entitled “The Last Supper.” Alllthough…it’s not the “Last” Supper, it’s Supper Part 3 out of 4 Last Suppers. I don’t remember THAT f***in’ painting, DA VINCI! Don’t act like you’re not reading this. My exes – always stalking me.

It’s been an exciting season, but by this point, even B-Roll Beach Dog is ready for this thing to wrap up:

So which spritely concheftant is getting sent home one week before the finale? WILL IT BE…

Last Quickfire of everyone’s Top Chef careers after the jump:

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TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: I Got An Island Fever And The Only Prescription Is More Conch

It’s the Top Chef All-Stars Finale, “Island Fever”! Not the FINALE finale, but, you know, the second part of four straight episodes in the Bahamas to slowly determine that Richard is the best chef on the show. By the time two more chefs are eliminated from this show, 60 teams will have been eliminated from the March Madness tournament. And BOTH of the people sitting next to you will have passed along an STD. GET THE FACTS.

This week’s esteemed Bahamas guest judge:

Nah kidding, the guest judge is not actually a shark named Shark Wahlberg, it is this lady:

It’s Lorena Garcia, co-host of the NBC show America’s Next Great Restaurant. NBC is owned by Universal, which also owns Bravo, which was in Broken Arrow with Christian Slater, who was in Murder in the First with Kevin Bacon. BOOM! Connected. Give me a harder one. This roller coaster line is moving really slowly.

While Universal is doing its promo synergy Web 2.0 Foodstones Meet The Jetsons crossover episode, the chefs resume bitching at one another in the Quickfire Challenge:

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