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Mo-Bums Risin’

You know that part in Bridget Jones’s Diary where she’s finally making out with the dreamy Hugh Grant and he pulls up her dress to reveal embarrassing Spanks?

a) That must happen all the time to people. Spanks are super popular. Spanks!

b) I think this product would be a more embarrassing reveal.

HOWEVER. If you do decide to purchase the Biniki I would suggest carrying a small dagger or pistol in the strap so if someone does see it, you look like you’re an international spy/self defense enthusiast as opposed to a flat butt-ed person. Because that would be awful.

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Sandra Bullock Kicks Some Ass in Never Before Seen Clip*

*OK, technically, this clip has actually aired on national television prior to this post. On a Fox show called Action, which was one of those tv shows that was funny but taken off the air after .5 episodes, mainly, we think, because folks hadn’t figured out the whole “Internet Campaign for Something You Want” tactic back in 1999 when it aired. We didn’t have Facebook back then. We had Lifebook.

Annnnyway (says the girl on major jet lag with no idea where she is right now), the one thing that now, 11 years after Action was canceled, we can thank it for is this clip (brought to our attention by Glennis McMurray), where Sandra Bullock kicks the shit out of Jay Mohr. This clip is to Sandy B what Enough was for Jennifer Lopez: An affirmation that, if pushed, by, let’s say, a cheating husband or slut who is passionate about Nazi memorabilia, she could definitely kick an ass or two.

That being said, we wouldn’t be surprised to find some grainy footage of Michelle “Bombshell” Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is breaking a wooden table over a fellow tatted whore’s back, like an “Ultimate Poverty Backyard Whores of Tennessee Fighting Championship” Betamax. So really, we’re thinking everyone involved is pretty evenly matched.

Has the divorce become official in the week that I was away?

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A Music Video

I feel sort of guilty for posting this. I don’t know why. I mean, I do. Or do I? The moral conundrums of the part time blogger are many and complicated. Psych. Anyways.

This is a music video. Called Prune Slicker. The action really gets started around the 1:50ish mark.

Honestly, if a douchey hipster were playing this, people would not make fun. They’d put on their neon leggings and jam. JAM, I say!

Thanks, Buzzfeed

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I’m Back! What Did I Miss?

*Cue footsteps home, rezipping of suitcase, cab tires screeching back to the airport, plane taking off for land as far away as possible from the above photo.*

Stay tuned for an exclusive report of my thoughts on Europe within the coming hour…

Congrats to Bethenny Frankel on her wedding, and for recalibrating previously recorded levels of facial happiness.

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Biggest Pop Culture Controversies: Lady Gaga vs Madonna


Comparing Lady Gaga to Madonna is like comparing apples to much older apples. Madonna is legend, an icon so timeless that no matter how many hundreds of days she spends in a downward dog position, and no matter how many times we are forced to look at her, we still worship her as the pop music Queen she is.

But a couple of years ago, a new gal came into the picture, a younger, hipper, more-movable-hip-er Maddona-like creature who seemed to have the same knack at reinventing herself. That woman? Lady Gaga, real name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (similar to Madonna’s nee: Madonna Louise Ciccone), a mysterious, talented, unexpected breath of robot air who is giving post-Millennial Madonna a run for her elderly money.

Both women extremely talented, but you won’t find a much hotter controversy than who is the new Queen of Pop. So we ask: Who reigns supreme? Lady Gaga vs. Madnona? Battle it out in the comments!

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Demi Moore’s New Name Should Be Demi Mom

Because moms are bummers and so is Demi!

Kim Kardashian was having a fun night out with her best girlz when she posted a Twit Pic and wrote, “Big pimpin w @SerenajWilliams @LaLaVazquez @Kelly_Rowland Love u girls!”

Fuuun!!

Uh oh, here comes the Demi Mom Police!

Demi was on Twitter at that very moment and was all, “Are you using the word “pimpin” as in pimping?” and Kim was all, “Doesn’t everyone? LOL.”

And then Demi put on her Mom pants and Tweeted, “No disrespect I love a girls night out but a pimp and pimping is nothing more than a slave owner!”

WOAH, Demi.

Demi.

As my Mom would say, “Take a chill pill.”

I see what you’re saying, pimp-wise. It’s a terrible culture. But, Demi. Why Kim, why now? Can’t you just imagine how excited she was to be at a party in Miami with her best girl friends and Demi Moore tweets at her? Why, I’d be on top of the world! And then Demi’s basically like, “Stop having fun, turn down the music and be home by midnight so we can talk about sexual slavery and our cultural desensitization to it”?

Ugh! Gross!

Surely someone has used the term “pimpin” in Demi’s presence before. Probably at a party, I mean, that term is more likely to be heard at a social event than at the grocery store. Does Demi scratch the record off and yell at them so she can “provoke thought and conversation”?

Just like all moms, Demi is probably right. But it’s SUPER annoying to hear it from her.

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Cheryl Cole Update

I’ve wrestled with this, because I’m not sure how into the Cheryl Cole story some of you are, but I’m going to give you an update because:

a) She’s great

b) I’m only here for two days a week so you can deal.

c) I don’t want to post pictures of Ke(&#^$sha (that’s how you spell her name, right?) in a bathing suit because I just don’t, OK?

As some of you may recall, Cheryl is recently separated from her cheating football star husband,  Ashley Cole. Yesterday, in Paris, she held up her wedding ring-less hand, fueling speculation that she was sending a message to mean cheater Ashley.

As the Daily Mail reports:

The Girls Aloud star started her Twitter message by explaining: ‘I just wanted to clear up the stories about whether I am wearing my wedding ring in my own words as this has been going on for too long and is getting boring.

‘It is not some silly game I am playing. That is not me and not my style.

‘There have been many occasions where I have not worn my wedding ring, many of those when I was pictured with Ashley.’

How cool is she?? She’s all like, “I’m far too above all of this yet down-to-earth at the same time and I’m going to clear the air with my own words. I’m so real.” She said it much better than I just did though. Obvi.

Read more…

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Live TV Falling Is The Funniest Falling

Put on your laughing hats and/or your second-hand embarrassment hats!

She really dealt with that spill SO well. She’s great. My second hand is minimized because she’s so great.

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Bill Murray!

There are two people in this world who I never want to meet: Bill Murray and Steve Martin. This is because I love them so SO much that if I were to meet them and they were to do one thing that was less than perfect or polite or amazing, my dreams, goals, life, would be dashed. However, in a perfect world, I would show up at this bar in Austin and Bill Murray would suddenly be serving me tequila shots. That would pretty much be the ideal scenario. And it happened to some lucky jerks.

Read more…

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Separating The Artist From The Art

This is how my mind works:  When I saw this picture I thought, “Good for Emma Thompson! What a sly commentary on how awful her terrible husband treated her in Love Actually.”

What? I mean, what? I didn’t even like that movie that came out, like, a billion years ago.  Also, what?

This is Emma and her date at the premiere of Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang: Far Side Of The World: When Monsters Attack: Rise of the Silver Surfer. It’s gonna be so good!