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THINGS WE NEED: A $25,000 Cupcake Car

NEIMAN MARCUS GIFT 2 CUPCAKE CAR

Oh dear Jesus yes thank you. Yesterday, we told you about The Big Top Cupcake, a cake pan that turns your average, old, regular delicious cakes into brand new, completely not average, delicious cupcakes. This ad said: “Cupcake bigger than this? We f**king dare you.

Bad News, BTCC: Someone took your dare. And has created the most magical thing ever…

A $25,000 CUPCAKE CAR.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the future is here!!! For the low, low price of $25,000, you can own a giant cupcake that you can drive around at maximum speeds of 7 miles per hour — slow enough to be noticed, but fast enough to outrun your local hallucinating obese person.

This incredible offering is part of Neiman Marcus’ Annual Christmas Catalog (which is just heavy enough with which to beat a homeless person with.) The catalog has got some real doozies this year — including a $200,000 dinner with John Lithgow and other literary types (seriously) and His & Hers Sports Aircrafts for a cool quarter of a mill — but it’s the Cupcake Car that really takes the over-privileged a-hole cake. (Our favorite kind.)

The Neiman Marcus provided description reads like bakery fan fiction. Slip this on and take a read:

Put on your matching hat, slip under the muffin top of your Cupcake Car, and let the world figure itself out for awhile. Get (or give) the sheer, joyful chaos of a gift that is mind-blowing, triple-dog-dare, double-infinity forever cool. Make the kids or grandkids literally squeal with joy. Bring it to work and buzz the breakroom. Crash parades! Putter about the ‘hood. Ever had a crowd of kids chasing after you just for the crazy gleeful heck of it? (No worries, the top speed is a comfy-safe 7 mph.) What’s it made of? A 24-volt electric motor, a heavy-duty battery, sheet metal, wire, fabric, wood…and mad genius. Launched at Burning ManSM as a cooperative art car project, the Cupcake Car sprang from the fevered mind of Bay Area artist Lisa Pongrace and her less-rules-more-laughs posse of artists and techno geeks. Yours will be tricked out with your favorite topping, so start thinking flavors.

Mine will be flavored like money with a faint hint of “What college loans?”

NEIMAN MARCUS GIFT 3 CUPCAKE CAR

After the jump, “LOL” video evidence that these things actually exist!

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AD WIZARDS: “Let’s Make Our Product Terrifying”

Many moons ago, word traveled across the Atlantic and directly into my earhole that if there was a single food I was to avoid for the rest of my human eternity, that food should be Tabasco Brand Pepper Sauce. My source went on to say that this famous spicy sauce is made on Avery Island, a small island off the coast of Louisiana which manages to defy all FDA plant checks, resulting in Ratatouille stirring the batches up with a poo spoon. (Allegedly, of course.)

This information, of course, has not stopped hundreds of millions of people from using this red menace on nearly everything they eat, including my own father, who basically brushes his teeth with it. And frankly, we would never have even spread this information if it wasn’t for Tabasco’s latest advertising campaign, which ranks somewhere in between Killer Clowns from Outer Space and Invaders From Mars on my sliding scale of “Things I Will Discuss With My Therapist Once I Am Able to Afford One.”

Why’s that? Oh, no big deal really. It’s just that said ad campaign features A SINGING BARERSHOP QUARTET OF NIGHTMARES STICKING OUT OF PEPPERONI SLICES ON A PIECE OF PIZZA. For this, Tabasco, we will never forgive you.

This commercial might be America’s most divided issue (sorry health care). People either love it or hate it. There is no middle ground when it comes to singing pepperoni faces, is there?

And to put this entire thing into perspective, my aspiring actor friend Mike would like to point out that each one of those pepperoni faces probably made $75,000 for this. Chew on that.

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Does This Look Like the Face of a Man Who Would Steal $200,000 From His Giant Family?

JON GOSSELIN MILKSHAKES 4

Why yes. Yes, it does.

Jon Gosselin took time off of his “cleansing ladies vaginas” schedule to attend the ceremony of his own milkshake flavor at “Millions Of Milkshakes”. We don’t know what’s in the Jon Gosselin milkshake, but we’re guessing it’s vinegar, water, lychee, milk, rape juice, all topped with a Cadburry flake.

Leave your own Jon Gosselin Milkshake recipes in the comments.

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Letterman Should Have Scandals More Often

Chances are, it’s not only David Letterman whose life has been rocked by his admission late last week to sleeping with his staffers. That’s because his Late Show writers have also been served the greatest challenge of their Letterman-era lives: Make this sex scandal funny. Shouldn’t be too hard, and certainly not uncharted territory. The only difference being, of course, that this is THEIR BOSS we’re talking about, and that all of America will be tuning in to find out how, exactly, Letterman is planning on handling this affair, so to speak. The pressure is on.

And did they deliver? They most certainly did. Last night’s monologue was perhaps one of the funniest we’ve ever heard Letterman deliver. Subtly delivered, clever, self-effacing, humble… it hit all the right notes for a man trying to prove he’s not a, you know, creep. No wonder all those barely legal broads wanted to sleep with the guy.

By the way, the entire episode was brilliant: Steve Martin, hilarious as always, made all the better with a cameo from Martin Short (who starred in our favorite movie of all time…. Clifford), and Lea Michelle, aka Musical Theater Jones on Glee. Check CBS.com in the coming few days for the entire episode.

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While You Were Gearing Up For the Release of “Where The Wildensteins Are”

JOC WILD THINGS ARE

  • Nicole Richie was involved in a minor car accident. Which made us reminisce for the years when people actually cared about what happened to Nicole Richie.
  • Tyler Perry has sent out an email in relation to the release of Precious, which he produced, claiming he was molested by a female neighbor when he was just 10 years old. And if she looked anything like this, we can imagine how scarred this man is.
  • Jocelyn Wildenstein was spotted — not literally, though good thinking — with her boyfriend, who most certainly loves doing her.
  • Photos of Lindsay Lohan partying it up at Paris Fashion Week proves something we’ve long known: Her fingers are delicious. Nutritious? No.
  • Finally, an awesome shot of an eagle giving a piggybird ride.
  • Oh wait, no, one more — TEACUP PIGS!! 700 pounds? More like 700 nano-ounces.

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Mad Men: When In Rome, Do As The Drapers Do

MAD-MENS-EUROPEAN-VACATION-BWE.TV

Mad Men‘s latest episode, “Souvenir”, was a sex-filled jaunt with and without consent, an episode fueled by lust and passion and inhibitions and Italy and hair and Don and Betty Draper’s second Honeymoon.

But because this blog likes to keep things “light” and “unrapey”, we’ll forget about that whole “Pete Campbell’s Arapian Nights” story line and focus on what really made the episode worth watching over and over again: Don and Betty’s trip to Rome.

Betty be all over town with a new man named Henry, the government adviser and silver fox second only to that ol’ cad Roger Sterling. He saves the reservoir at the City Council meeting, and Betty thanks him in the form of a lingering kiss. Because remember girls, “You don’t kiss boys. Boys kiss you.” She then does a little dance in the kitchen because the “reservoir” was “saved” (quotes denote sluttiness):

BETTY DANCE GIF MAD MEN

Well, now she’s gone and damn done it. There’s a reason why she has three kids, America, and that reason is “woman got needs”. So when Don tells her that he’s jetting off to Rome with the inventor of mustachio nuts, Connie Hilton, Betty, now motivated by stirrings down there and “guilt”, asks to come along.

Which is how we find ourselves in Rome, Italy. To fully enjoy the rest of this recap, please click play for the below song – Sophie Loren’s “Zoo Be Zoo Be Zoo.”

Roma! Ah, a city of divine smells and ancient history, a city packed to the brim with attractive Europeans and fashion and wine and amazing hair salons! No, really:

MAD-MEN-DON-DRAPER-IN-ROME-1

We find Betty sitting at a cafe with an entire challah hot glued to her forehead, as two genuine Italians — who, really, we refuse to believe were actors vs. men just in the shot — hit on this WASP-faced beauty.

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LARRY DAVID VS. UNBEARABLE LAUGH TRACK: Who Ya Got?

Parks & Recreations star Aziz Ansari points us towards this clip of Larry David making an appearance on none other than Hannah Montana, the Disney vehicle driven by still-not-legal pop star Miley Cyrus.

So while everyone else around is discussing last night’s Curb Your Enthusiasm Seinfeld meta-reunion (which Jason Alexander dominated), you can be the only person in your office to be all “Yeah, I know, it was aight, but it was no Long-Ball Larry on Hannah Montana” and feel like the smartest barista on your block.

Larry is at his prime Davidness on the show, not letting the barely passable acting of his tweenage co-stars get in the way of his genius. But Beware: The laugh track used in this clip is literally unbearable. It doesn’t let up for a SINGLE second, and is a bit distracting, the same way a naked man painted red with a piece of navy rope up his ass and the end lit on fire running across the set is distracting. It really makes you appreciate all of those long awkward silences on Curb.

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B-W-GLEE: Finn Reveals Epileptic Condition on All New Epi

Oh… wait, no… he’s just dancing. Finn’s just dancing, everyone, put your wallets away.

Here’s a Sneak Peak for Wednesday night’s “Xtreme Mash Ups” episode of Glee (not the actual title), where the boys debut their “It’s My Life” cover. And somehow, even on wheels, Artie is a better dancer than our beloved awk-jock Finn. (Would it be “jockward”? Or “jawkward”? Hurry, the U.S. Patent people are on line 3.)

And you might notice a new addition to the Glee choir in this video. A man who goes by the name of “Rere Genius Asian Dancer from Space”. You’re not fooling anyone, Glee writers. We would have definitely noticed this kid’s moves in past sequences. Way to add in a new character on the sly! But you know, if The Simpsons can have Roy, then by all means, Hot Asian dude is A-OK by us. (That is, until he movies into his “own apartment with two sexy ladies,” knowutimean people who got this Simpsons reference? No?) Enjoy the clip.

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SNL Should Consider Going “Music Only”

If SNL has already pulled the trigger and created “Weekend Update Thursdays“, might we be so kind as to suggest they consider making “SNL: Music Only Saturdays“? That’s because this past episode’s highlights were all music related — which, on an episode featuring the hilarious and armsy Ryan Reynolds with a dash of Scarlet Johanson, we find hard to believe. Then again, when Lady Gaga is your musical guest, she’s kind of going to be hard to top.

Some of the sketches had oddball charm — particularly the Norwegian Actors Playhouse and TruTV’s “So You Committed a Crime… And You Think You Can Dance” — but the highlight for us was the Digital Short, which nicely recovered from last week’s unexplainable Megan Fox sketch (Ryry’s Australian accent: outstanding). Here, Andy Samberg paints on a goatee and teaches us what he likes to do to harmless inanimate objects:


Happy Birthday to the ground, indeed.

But the episode’s true artistry stemmed from in thankfully inimitable Lady Gaga, who ditched the used tamp hat in favor of a more tasteful red lace lingerie situation along with a Nickelodeon Guts Aggrocrag Trophy cum Keytar, during her reimagining of her hit “Paparazzi”:

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