In Case You Missed It…

by (@unclegrambo)

Snooki Teaches David Letterman The Secret Ingredients That Make Up Ron-Ron Juice

Ever since the dawn of time, people have been getting drunk. However, it wasn’t until one Ronnie Ortiz Magro (aka Captain Smush) introduced a potent concoction known as Ron-Ron Juice to the world just under one year ago on the debut episode of Jersey Shore that human beings were finally able to achieve a state of mind that the Dalai Lama (or was it Carl Spackler?) once described as “total consciousness.” Being the naïve souls that we are, we once tried to achieve this state by mixing watermelon slices, cherries, ice, some cranberry juice, a few splashes of Body Heat by BODman cologne, a teaspoon of indoor-tanning lotion, Peach Schnapps and some Nonoxynol-9 into a blender and hitting the Frappé button, but all that ended up getting us was a wicked hangover and itchy pubes. Fortunately for us, during an appearance on the Late Show With David Letterman just last night, Snooki was kind enough to provide us the recipe for the magical potion known as Ron-Ron Juice. Quite simply, it consists of “vodka, watermelon, cherries, blueberries and maybe some Jäger.” Mystery solved!

And oh yeah, did we mention that Alec Baldwin stopped by the Ed Sullivan Theater last night, too?
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Sandwich in a Can a Victory for Hungry Drunk People

Alcoholics all over the world, unite: Yes We Candwich!

Yes, someone’s finally done it. They’ve gone ahead and put a damn sandwich in a can. And called it a Candwich. This is exactly the kind of thing that looks nasty as hell when you’re sober, but when it’s 4 am and you can’t find your gin-and-tonic helmet and you’re starving, a Candwich is just about the most delicious damn thing you can get your hands on.

I mean, tell me you’ve never woken up the morning after a wild night in bed wearing your party dress and your shoes and found a shopping bag from the drugstore that you have no recollection of visiting and looked inside to find that you decided you wanted water and a can of Chef Boyardee. Just me? Fine then, just me. (By the by, it was delicious, thank you.) But PB & J in a can? I mean I’m shorting my keyboard out with a live barfstream but ask me about it Saturday night when I’m sleeping inside a Stoli bottle on my stoop and see what I say. Spoiler alert: I will say it’s my favorite thing.

My only issue with the Candwich? CHICKEN CANDWICH. WHO ON PLANET EARTH WOULD EAT A CHICKEN SANDWICH IN A CAN?! The sandwich on the can doesn’t even look like chicken, it looks like a hot meatload. Yes. Load.

Ahead, an actual photo of a Candwich. It’s basically a roll and some ketchup packets. Would you eat this?

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Florida Girl’s Hannah Montana Doll Is Really F***ing Psyched About Pie

The youth of America are quickly running out of role models. First Tiger Woods went and tarnished his wholesome image in the eyes of millions of adoring toddlers. Now, it seems Miley Cyrus may be subconsciously turning kids in to mini drunken sailors with her new singing Hannah Montana Christmas Doll according to a local NBC affiliate:

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When first listening to the song I thought the mom was just a delusional, drug-addled hillbilly. However, upon second listen, I think she may have a point. That doll is definitely dropping some F-bombs.

The mom still might be a drug-addled hillbilly for letting her three-year-old daughter idolize allegedly racist jail bait at such a young age. I guess it’s not a total loss, though. That girl will certainly grow up with some good ol’ American enthusiasm for how f***ing awesome pie is.

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Today Show Halloween Special Fulfills Every Old Unemployed Virgin’s Deepest Wishes

Let’s kick things off with my new computer wallpaper, shall we?

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As has become an American Halloween Tradition, the fine people over at The Today Show took a budget equivalent to the GDP of Nebraska and funneled that cash into the most extravagant, serious, over-the-top Halloween Costume Parade that one could ever hope for. The show is notorious for their Halloween Special, but perhaps no year has ever been as themed as today. That theme? Morning Show Masturbation Fantasies for Middle-Aged Jobless Virgins. Or, as it is more commonly known as, “Star Wars.”

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Yes, Matt Lauer got out of a giant airplane (we’re sure there’s a special word for that vehicle, but we’re too lazy to look it up), and Meredith Viera donned her favorite knish-muffs for her Princess Leia costume. It was all a very civilized affair indeed…

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That is… until Kathie Lee and Hoda showed up.

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Patrick Dempsey Reveals New Sexy Nickname: McJuggly

We’ve always had a soft spot for Patrick Dempsey, mainly because he was the star of Loverboy, a movie about a pizza delivery boy that slept with his customers which basically amounted to the first pornographic film mine pre-teen eyes had ever witnessed. Then Dempsey went through puberty (somewhere in his late 20s), started graying, got the lead in a hit tv medical drama, and became known to most by his catchy new nickname: McDreamy.

But Dempsey clearly had had enough. Sick of being known only for his looks and not for his ever giving river of talent, McDreemz decided to shock the world this week on Good Morning America. Armed with three bowling pins, we meet McJuggly, Dempsey’s juggling alter ego. In the course of 20 or so seconds, McJuggz raised about $20,000 for charity. Fast forward to 4:30 to see his party trick in action.

The above video really brought out that latent Dempsey love that’s been toiling away since the Loverboy days. But not like the below video of McJuggly… WHICH IS AMAZING IN EVERY WAY.

Thank you, the 1980s and Japan. Thank you both.

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Toddlers & Tiaras Mom Wants You To Facebook Friend Her Future Train Wreck

On today’s Good Morning America, Chris Cuomo lead a discussion about parents who exploit their children for reality show fame. In one corner was a mother recently featured with her daughter on TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras. In the other corner was some attorney with extensive knowledge in this area who claimed it’s bad for the child or some garbage blah blah blah. Watch as the mother gets the last word on just how not screwed up her daughter really is:

Every little girl loves mud pies and four-wheelers and has a million Facebook fans thanks to her mom’s complete disregard for rational parenting while on national television. It’s normal. Quit digging for a story where there isn’t one.

Also, I think Chris Cuomo deserves the Peabody Award for ‘Excellence in Blatant But Wholeheartedly Deserved Condescending Sarcasm’ for that outro. Way to keep your cool, brother.

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The Most Bizarre Paula Deen Segment In Today Show History

Paula Deen was thrown off her rich, buttery game this morning during a cooking segment with Al Roker. Lord knows I’ve seen some weird stuff during morning show cooking segments, but this one was just downright creepy:

Yes, Paula really did ask Al “Is he from this country?” I’ve heard the Today Show set is a common escape route for those hopping the border.

Will the guy hiding behind the counter kill Paula and Al?? Will the cake be decadent and delicious?? Find out in the thrilling conclusion to this Today Show saga after the jump.

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Today Show Dog A Better Reader Than Most American 8th Graders

On the Today Show this morning, trainer Lisa Howell demonstrated that her dog Willow can READ. Granted, the dog can only read the phrases “sit up,” “wave,” and “bang,” but what other words does she really need? That’s basically a rudimentary dissertation on the Kennedy assassination right there. The best trick my dog can do is eat garbage.

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I especially like how Lyssa compares her dog to a pyro honor student.

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Iraq Has Its Own Version Of Last Comic Standing? Does That Mean The War Is Over?

CNN ran this story about a hit show in Iraq called Comedy Star where the country’s own versions of David Letterman look for the next Saddam Rickles.

Embedded video from CNN Video

It’s pretty inspiring to see people over there laughing it up, but I’m not sure our countries see eye to eye when it comes to comedy. That guy doing the jump rope bit? That was gold. Those judges wouldn’t know funny if it overthrew their dictator!

Winners will go on to star in the biggest sitcom on Iraqi television:It’s Always Sandy In Fallujah (I would have also accepted Malcolm in the Middle East and/or Green Zone Acres).

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Josh Groban Sings “Total Eclipse of the Balls”

We’ve considered ourselves “Grobanites” ever since meeting Josh Groban at 2007′s Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony, where the true glow of the evening came from Groban’s effortless charm. (Seriously, he was sort of the best.) And while we knew the guy had some serious pipes, we never realized just how low his pipes go… as in, they are attached to his perineum.

During an appearance on Ellen yesterday, the twosome performed a moving duet of the Bonnie Tyler classic “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. Their version is actually not so bad! It’s both beautifully harmonized and, yet, passionate? It also features Ellen’s dead-on impression of The Dan Band.

So that settles it!! Josh Groban has huge balls. Thanks for playing.