While You Were…

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While You Were Waking Up In A Cold Sweat With Concern For The Hollywood Sign

  • A refried bean swastika might make an intimidating anti-immigration bill message if it didn’t sound so danged delicious.
  • A new study claims that children who watch R-rated movies earlier in their life are more likely to get into underage drinking. Personally, I saw Terminator 2 in the theaters when I was eight and the only effect it had on me was making me know that Terminator 2 was f***ing awesome.
  • Hugh Hefner donated the final $900,000 necessary to preserve the Hollywood sign. Thank God – without that, we’d never know where characters in movies were arriving during their “whoaaa you’re in Hollywood now!” montages.
  • David Letterman called Leno a “complete boob” last night, a term which seems surprisingly accurate despite its 1920sness.
  • Five Remakes That Are Better Than The Original? And no mention of the movie Hitch? Maybe that wasn’t a remake, I just kinda want to see it on more lists.
  • And finally, one can never truly understand the internet without the realization that “Big Booty Bitches” exists, is on it, and is being watched by humans.

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While You Were Stumbling Across A New Episode Of This “Thirty Rock” Programme

  • Lindsay Lohan’s dad stormed her house with police officers this morning in an attempt to “stage an intervention or rescue” her younger sister Ali. It’s like The Professional, but with more TMZ photographers masturbating to it.
  • Us Weekly reports that the Tiger Woods / Elin Nordegren divorce is “100% happening”. That came out of nowhere… Can anyone confirm their other rumor about heat being hot?
  • Iron Man 2 will feature a cameo by the now-deceased DJ A.M. Can you say, Best Supporting Actor Oscar?
  • The South Park guys are apparently gonna die for their controversy-generating Muhammad episode that generated the precise controversy that everyone expected it to generate. It also generated the most confusing “BLEEPs” since “Burger King bathroom” was bleeped in the “Humpty Dance” video.
  • And finally, I’m performing this Saturday night at Penn State University, my old stompin’ grounds, along with my fellow alums Matt Little, Jeff Rubin, and Nate Kushner. Come see it, and then you can go get drunk because it is college!!! (Just a taste of the knee-slappery you can expect Saturday night).

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While You Were Honoring Hitler’s Birthday At The James Household

  • Vh1 announced the release of 44 new series in 2010. Really? Forty-four? Are there even that many celebrities in the world, or are they just whipping shows at random dudes? Hm, Random Dude Academy Minivan — guess that answers that.
  • Kate Gosselin was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night. Sorry if anyone was DVRing that and planning to watch it later. Not because I spoiled the outcome, I just mean, I’m really sorry.
  • Mad Men will reportedly end after its Sixth Season. Sadly, they’ll have to scrap the episode where Sally Draper plans her wedding for the same day as the Challenger disaster.
  • Sex advice from Zach Galifianakis, John Oliver, Rob Corddry and more? I’d like to have eye sex with that article.
  • And finally, if you haven’t read the Scott Baio Tweet Timeline yet, then “DOO EEETT!!! DOO EEET NOWWW!!!!” – Famous Film Star Charlie Chaplin.

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While You Were Remixing The Treme And Life Theme Songs In Your Head

  • Several doctors warned that Heidi Montag’s D-cup breasts could droop significantly over time. In a related story, several doctors could be spending their time better.
  • Taylor Swift unexpectedly lost the ACM Artist of the Year award to Carrie Underwood Sunday night. Swift still has a good shot at the CMA Awards, the CAM Awards, the AACM Awards, the MCAMMA Awards, the CCCCAAAAA Awards, and a dozen other country-related abbreviations that no one quite understands.
  • How To Train Your Dragon edged Kick Ass to take the crucial April 16th-18th box office weekend, or as it’s known in the biz, the Holy Grail of box office weekends on Opposite Day.
  • Christina Applegate is set to wed Martyn Lenoble of Porno For Pyros. Between him and Gavin Rossdale, 90s musicians seem to be doing alright for themselves; ball’s in your court, guy from Del’Amitri.
  • And finally, an unsolicited endorsement: Buy the crap out of Matt McCarthy’s new standup cd. Unless you hate laughing, in which case, it makes sense you’re reading my posts. BOOM! Wait…

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Today’s Edition Of “I Could Look Like That, I Just Don’t Feel Like It”

Here’s Ryan Philippe shirtless on the cover of Men’s Health, looking like I would if I cared about that kind of stuff, which I totally don’t, but good for him for looking like I would if I did care about that stuff, which again I don’t:

NO BENCH? NO PROBLEM! That’s what I’d be saying too during my daily 10,000 crunch ab-blaster routine, if I felt like doing that, and also felt like using my bulging abs to propel a male modeling career, but I don’t know, I’ve been kinda busy lately and just gotta prioritize, you know?

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While You Were Heckling Tiger From Your Couch And Somehow Getting Thrown Out

  • Phil Mickelson won the Masters yesterday by three strokes, much to the dismay of pun headline makers worldwide.
  • Jim Carrey lashed out at Elin Nordegren via Twitter, saying that she had to be aware of Tiger’s affairs and can’t plead innocence. And with Jim Carrey’s Twitter input, that concludes every possible insight into the Tiger Woods scandal except for Howie Mandel’s opinion via email and the opinion of Colm Meaney, aka O’Brien from Star Trek The Next Generation, offering his opinion via a Skype video chat.
  • The Fox Network is currently deciding whether to pursue Conan O’Brien for a late-night show or to do something really stupid instead.
  • Elizabeth Taylor is reportedly engaged yet again. Man, when she makes a bet with Larry King, she really, really commits to it.
  • And finally, Tetris Hell is where you go after a lifetime of video game sinning (i.e., constantly fireballing in Street Fighter, guarding the body armor in Goldeneye, etc.)

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While You Were Putting All Your Eggs in One Basket

  • Will Smith has finally decided against starring in Cameron Crowe’s Marvin Gaye biopic. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  • Jesse James’ mistress Michelle “Bombshell” McGee will be refereeing an upcoming Celebrity Boxing Match. And judging by the caliber of celebrity we’re dealing with, we’re guessing it will be a fight to the death in Gary Coleman vs. the Ghost of Hitler.
  • Jesse James has left sex rehab after Sandra Bullock is refusing to take his phone calls. Thankfully, he had a mattress made out of desperate sluts to nap away his addiction.
  • Bruce Springsteen’s mistress is getting a divorce from her husband, and papers finally reveal what is The Boss of The Boss: Dat Ass.
  • Ivanka Trump’s stalker has been released from jail, and has revealed he has a new plan to woo her. Aww, we wish a man would buy us a knife bouquet with a live grenade engagement ring.
  • And here’s the headline we dare you to top today, world: “Alan Alda: I Gave Up My Seat To a Pig.

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While You Were Wondering When 30 Rock Stole The Sopranos‘ New Episode Schedule

  • Gabourey Sidibe will host an upcoming episode of SNL. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one watching Precious thinking, “Man, that girl’s comic timing is just impeccable!”
  • Charlie Sheen reportedly wants out of Two And A Half Men. No word on whether CBS will replace him or just roll with the one and two-thirds remaining men (the kid’s a little older now).
  • Of all the April Fool’s internet pranks yesterday, I think we can all agree, none were more Urkel-centric than Urlesque’s “Urkelesque”
  • What if Gordon Bombay hadn’t gotten his DUI? Check out this awesome, exhaustive list of NHL “History will be made” parodies.
  • Also, if any other godless heathens happen to be hanging around New York City this Saturday night, I’ll be hosting a show at the Ace Of Clubs with four excellent bands. It’s literally the most Easterly thing you can do.

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While You Were Gettin’ A Little Help From Your Pal Date Mike

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While You Were Walking Out Of Your Job At 2:00 In Protest Of Wanting To Nap

  • MTV announced that The Hills will officially end after its sixth season. Brace yourself for a gargantuan, Bill-Parcells-Coaching-Tree level of spin-offs…
  • Us Weekly claims that Tiger Woods once dated LeAnn Rimes, according to a source of him being him and her probably having a vagina.
  • Here’s a list of the 10 States With the Smallest Average Penis Size. Conclusion: Wyoming is the only honest state in the union.
  • If you’re aching for more Lost recappage (I’m surprised how many people online didn’t like the Richard episode — and not just the usual “I signed online to tell you I am done with this show!” people), Videogum has an exceptionally awesome recap this week.
  • And finally, fittingly, the final episode of Lost will be called “The End”. But will it be the end?