While You Were…

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While You Were Sporting A Two-Hour Lost Nerdboner

Oathbama

  • Barack Obama re-took the Oath of Office yesterday because the Oath he stated on Tuesday was actually off from the Constitution by one word. Fortunately, Springsteen still hadn’t finished playing from the other day.
  • The Oscar nominees were announced today. I never thought I’d hear this guy say “Eat a d*ck, Academy”…
  • The stars from Sex and the City have officially committed to a sequel. I guess Kristin Davis will have to put off Shaggy Dog II: Shaggadelic, Baby ’til 2010.
  • Yes, even Fidel Castro is praising Barack Obama. This comes just one day after Kim Jong-il sent Obama a “Congratulations” card with a $50 Bed Bath And Beyond gift certificate.
  • George Clooney is heading back to ER to appear in the final shows of the series. Clooney initially denied reports that he was returning, but I guess he finally got over being intimidated by acting opposite John Stamos.

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While You Were Hoping That Washington Nonsense Wouldn’t Pre-Empt Family Feud Again

Obama Ball

  • It’s Obama’s first official day on the job, and in his first act as president, he has appointed Reverend Wright Emperor of Humankind. Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!! THEY TRIED TO WARN USSSSS!!!!!!!!!
  • Shia LaBeouf’s driver’s license has been suspended for one year after his accident in the summer of ’08. His auto accident, I mean, not the thing with Harrison Ford.
  • Jamal Woolard, the actor who plays Biggie in the Notorious biopic, has been charged with assaulting his wife. That’s totally uncalled for, dude — can’t you promote your movie the way other actors do, with a teeny little DUI arrest?
  • London’s Evening Standard Newspaper has been sold to Alexander Lebedev, a Russian billionaire and ex-KGB agent. James Bond is currently in the “sleeping with Lebedev’s mistress” phase of taking this guy down.
  • And finally, 8th grade me can’t stop snickering at this headline.

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While You Were Honoring MLK By Eating Lunch At 4 P.M. In Your Pajamas

Obama Inauguration

  • Barack Obama assumes office today. Remember to stay tuned to BWE.tv for the only Obama inauguration coverage anywhere, and don’t click over to any other website or turn on your tv or radio or pick up a newspaper or talk to any co-workers, or look out the window if you’re in Washington.
  • Brad Pitt mentioned in a recent interview that he’s worried about what type of death he’ll have, adding “A shark would be interesting.” Ocean’s Nineteen spoiler alert!
  • Sony honored Martin Luther King Day yesterday by purchasing the film Black Dynamite at Sundance. How far we’ve come since the days of Blacula
  • Ben Affleck refuses to explain his reasons for naming his new daughter “Seraphina,” saying “That’s something that is going to stay in our family. Also, Marmaduke was taken.”
  • Yesterday marked the 200th anniversary of the birth of Edgar Allen Poe. If he were alive today, I’m sure he’d take the opportunity to marry his 113-year-old cousin.

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While You Were Illustrating What It’s Like To Be Married To Tom Cruise

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  • Photos of Katie Holmes in a Miu Miu ad campaign have been surfacing over the past couple of days. They’re really artsy. Or cry-for-helpy. Either one.
  • Johnny Knoxville tried to bring a grenade through airport security, because he’s a genius like that. He was detained for a short while, but still made his flight, because the TSA is a genius like that.
  • Chesley Sullenberger III has nothing to be sullen about. That’s because he’s the badass that laid down a commercial airliner gently onto the Hudson river yesterday. Badass name, badass story. Expect to see much more of him in the coming days.
  • The Jonas Brothers have hired extra security to protect their underwear. Seriously, what does a guy have to do to not get a date around here??
  • Did anybody notice how motherf*cking cold it is? Here’s a bunch of cool stuff you can do when it’s -21 degrees outside. You won’t be able to feel your face while doing it, but it’s still neat.

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While You Were Redefining The Phrase “Hitting Rock Bottom”

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  • On the British show Celebrity Big Brother, Verne Troyer was made to dress up like a teddy bear and eat a pot of honey. I’m not sure there’s anything else I need to say about this.
  • The premise of Amy Poehler’s new not-an-Office-spinoff has been revealed! It will be a mockumentary style show set in the world of local government: the cameras will follow “a mid-level bureaucrat in the Parks and Recreation Department of Pawnee, Indiana.” BEGIN WETTING YOUR PANTS WITH EXCITEMENT…now.
  • Sarah Jessica Parker wants Britney Spears to play a role in the next Sex And The City movie. She wants her to play Carrie Bradshaw’s young cousin or something else that might make the movie remotely interesting.
  • TruTV has a reality show called The Principal’s Office, and in this clip, two high school kids hilariously tease their principal by kind of pretending to be gay. Honestly after watching this I can’t believe it’s a reality show and not some scripted mockumentary. Give these people a sitcom!
  • Worth1000 had a photoshop contest to see who could infuse Muppets into famous images. Some of them are super creepy, but the movie posters (like the Cookienator) are worth the willies.

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While You Were Making Ryan Seacrest Really Uncomfortable

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  • American Idol premiered last night. The new judge? Sassy. The bad contestants? Not quite as sad as years past. The good contestants? They’ve got potential. Ryan Seacrest? Completely freaked out by a hot chick in a bikini who tried to french him. And a blind guy made it through! Yes!
  • Britney Spears is moving into a new $9 million home because that old $7.1 million dump was “jinxed.” Next step: find new brain to replace that mushy old one.
  • Lil Kim is not happy with the way she is depicted in Notorious, the Biggie biopic. When asked why, she responded: “Not enough nudity.”
  • Amy Winehouse has sworn off drugs but apparently alcohol doesn’t count. Sources at the St. Lucia resort at which she seems to be living say “We keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.” Hey look, it’s better than being compared to a wet dog with a crack pipe, so I think we’re making progress here.
  • Attention lady nerds: how can we combine our love of video games with our love of the arts thread-and-needle? By making a cross-stitch Zelda map, of course.

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While You Were Getting Awakened By Your Neighbor Blasting “I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You”

Aubrey

  • Ex Danity Kane human Aubrey O’Day will pose on the cover of Playboy in March. I’m really looking forward to seeing that 1.8% of her that’s usually covered in photographs.
  • George W. Bush has asked the four major networks for fifteen minutes of airtime so he can give a farewell speech on Thursday. Personally, I’d rather just take his apology as read and have The Office start on time.
  • Howie Mandel has been hospitalized with an irregular heartbeat. Probably because Deal Or No Deal is so suspenseful!!!!!!!!
  • People Magazine reports that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen got engaged this weekend, though I’m pretty sure I read about this weeks agp. Or maybe I stole the power of the dude from Early Edition. Crap, I gotta go save some kids!
  • Hilary Duff will star in an NBC sitcom called “Barely Legal,” playing an eighteen-year-old who passes the California bar exam to become the state’s youngest lawyer (damn – misleading title). NBC execs are describing the show as “A legal version of Doogie Howser, only more canceled.”

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While You Were Wrapping Your Head Around “The Cardinals Will Host The NFC Championship”

Slumdog Millionaire

  • Slumdog Millionaire somehow won the Golden Globe for Best Picture despite not being historical, gay, or three hours long. What’s next — The Oscars admitting that comedies sometimes count as actual movies?
  • Mad Men took home the Golden Globe for Best Drama for the second straight year, while 30 Rock swept the major Comedy awards. If these award shows keep getting things right like this, I may need to find something else to complain about — thank God we still have the Grammys.
  • HBO’s John Adams also won four Golden Globes itself after also dominating the Emmy Awards five months ago. And for the hell of it, the still-eligible U2 album All That You Can’t Leave Behind won three Golden Globes too.
  • Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino led the box office this weekend after grossing $29 million. I gotta admit, seeing Clint Eastwood make a pretend gun with his finger six times in that trailer was pretty persuasive.
  • It’s Ravens/Steelers and Eagles/Cardinals in the NFL Conference Championship games next week, proving again that if I gambled on football, I’d have gone insane and/or shot myself around ten years ago.

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While You Were Giving Peter Dinklage A Lovable, Patronizing Headrub

Draper Mad Men

  • The president of AMC declared that season 3 of Mad Men will air this summer as scheduled, and is optimistic that AMC and Matthew Weiner will reach a contract agreement for future seasons. Which is good, because I’m already hiring people to go after the Watchmen lawsuit judge, and I don’t really have the expendable income for multiple goons.
  • I really hate clicking on headlines like “Kate Hudson (Accidentally) Punches Anne Hathaway” only to find a sh*tty anecdote about the movie Bride Wars.
  • Michael Ian Black and the Collegehumor staff reviewing erotic arcade games is in itself, ironically, quite erotic. Humor-wise.
  • It’s a little awkward that 500 people are “really digging” this headline (semi-NSFW).
  • The Florida Gators won the BCS Title Game last night, but Barack Obama reiterated that college football needs a playoff system. I’m way more optimistic about the economy turning itself around.

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While You Were Arguing With The New Judge That The Can Specifically Said “Fancy Feast”

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  • Steve Martin and Martin Short were snapped fooling around in the ocean while on vacation in St. Barts. And you wanna know what? They don’t look half bad! (Look, take it easy, I said half. Whaddya want, the guy’s in his 60s. He looks aight!)
  • Singer Lily Allen claims that people never focus on the benefits of taking cocaine. For example, have you ever spilled some of your kid’s grape juice on the floor, but have no papie towtows around to pick it up? Why, just sprinkle a handful of the ol’ Dr. Zhivago on it and watch that stain disappear! It truly is a miracle powder.
  • The new season of Celebrity Apprentice will feature contestants Joan Rivers, Dennis Rodman, adorable ice skater Scott Hamilton, comedian Tom Green, Khloe Kardashian, and Andrew Dice Clay. In other words, the new season of Celebrity Apprentice will be unstoppably amazing while also proving that God is merely the figment of a universal imagination.
  • SHOCK: It has been revealed that the creator of the Barbie doll was a 70s sex addict and swinger with a raging case of gonorrhea. But the things that man could do with his smoothly rounded crotch nubbin…
  • Queen Latifah is giving fans a chance to write a song for her new album. Do you think she’s ever heard the song “Top That!”? Because I will gladly resubmit it.