While You Were…

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While You Were Beginning to Hate Every Single Real Housewife of the O.C.

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  • Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are parents again! To a baby girl. Proving that celebrities can still give birth to babies in 9 months or less, Katie Holmes.
  • Sure, people are pretty excited about Obama taking over the White House. But you know a fast and easy way to cause absolute joy mayhem around this country? Hire CNN celebridoc Sanjay Gupta to a cabinet position.
  • Jessica Simpson has contributed a recipe to the Dallas Cowboys Family cookbook. And trust us: When you crack open a pie of “Jessica Simpson Surprise”, you’ll probably find a pair of plastic keys and a boot heel in there.
  • NEWSFLASH: Guess who still looks amazing? That’s right: DOLPH LUNDGREN. Which reminds me… I better go practice some killer jams on my Cosmic Key before sundown.
  • And a little Wednesday mood brightener for you: Here’s a post detailing the lives of the cast members from what is perhaps The Greatest Movie of Our Time… (or One of the Top 30, at least)… Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Sure, Mr. Rooney might be a c-molestor and all, but check out all those hilarious animated GIFs!

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While You Were Picking Up Your Feather Thong At The Dry Cleaners

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  • Despite the prayers of many a tabloid editor, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are reportedly still together following a major New Year’s Eve fight. Which would explain Lindsay’s 2009 Resolution “Stay Lesbian.”
  • Jerry O’Connell and wife Rebecca Romijn-Stamos welcomed to the world the birth of two twin girls named Dolly and Charlie. Here’s to hoping their little ones are not suffering Cushlash.
  • Oprah has blamed her recent weight gain on the fact that she “abuses food.” And trust us: No one berates a donut better than Oprah.
  • Courtney Love was spotted rehearsing for her lead role in the upcoming movie “Blinded By Jazz: The Homeless Flapper Story.”
  • Here’s the creepiest list we’ve seen in a long while: The 10 Sexiest Lady Puppets. You know, when someone asks us “What’s the one place on the body you wouldn’t want to be tweezing splinters out of?” our first reaction is usually “The balls.”
  • If you’re in New York tonight and are in the mood for a little lite-hearty laughter, I’ll be performing at Sweet on the LES at 9 PM alongside noneotherthan Janeane Garofalo.

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While You Were Thinking Your “2-Thousand-And-Wine” Joke Was Way Funnier Than It Really Is…

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While You Were Remembering That You Were Still President

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  • President Bush approved a $13.4 billion rescue plan for General Motors and Chrysler, which will include immediate federal loan funding available to both companies, as well as a required 468 zooming shots of the GMC logo in the next Transformers movie.
  • A new movie featuring the Tom Clancy character Jack Ryan is on the way, though no one has been tabbed to play the role as of yet. Needless to say, LaBeouf has been checking his email by the minute.
  • Arkansas couple Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar just had their eighteenth kid, keeping those “Idiocracy will definitely come true sooner than we think” wheels in motion.
  • The long-anonymous Watergate informant “Deep Throat” passed away today at the age of 95. Now that he’s gone, can we all finally admit how ridiculous it is that we actually chose that name for him and it made it onto straight-faced news reports?
  • Tom Cruise arranged for a cake to be delivered to Katie Holmes on her birthday while onstage at the end of an All My Sons performance, and the audience sang “Happy Birthday”. All in all, it was the exact dramatic impact Arthur Miller always intended.

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While You Were Messing Up Scallops For The 1,000,000th Time In Top Chef History

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  • All the Batman III casting rumors that have been floating around the ‘net for the past couple days are completely false. Apparently, the story about Heath Ledger returning through CGI to play Catwoman is totally unconfirmed.
  • Scarlett Johansson is selling her used tissues on eBay to raise money for charity, and if you ask me, that’s pretty damn hot. Wait, Scarlett Johansson? I thought it said “Sue Johansson.” Eh, almost as hot, I guess.
  • A director has been chosen for Sony’s Sinbad, and no, it’s not Sinbad.
  • Jeremy Piven has pulled out of his role in the David Mamet Broadway play Speed The Plow, presumably storming off after the director asked him if he could act 1% differently.
  • The guys from Collegehumor are getting set to unveil their new MTV show — personally, I’m looking forward to it a lot more than that upcoming hour-long CBS show Google Crime.
  • And finally, racial harmony was officially achieved when these two dogs were photographed. FINALLY.

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While You Were Definitely Not Just Counting Down Days Til Your Christmas Vacation

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  • Barack Obama has been named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for 2008. I’m a bit surprised — personally, I was really liking Cory Worthington’s chances.
  • Russia is getting its own Disney Channel, finally signaling the official end of the Cold War.
  • Oprah’s production company has signed a deal to make movies, documentaries, and series with HBO in an ongoing effort to win Emmys until the earth’s gold supply runs out.
  • The Steven Soderbergh biopic about the life of Liberace is underway, with Michael Douglas playing Liberace and Matt Damon playing the pianist’s longtime companion. Hopefully there’s still some gold left after the Oprah / HBO Emmys to construct a skyscraper-sized Oscar for this thing.
  • Penn State football coach Joe Paterno signed a 3-year contract extension that will keep him coaching through the age of 85. Paterno also added several members of the family from Tuck Everlasting to be assistant coaches.

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While You Were Making Unseasonable Warmth Angels

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  • Madonna has settled her divorce with Guy Ritchie for $92 million, meaning Ritchie can finally afford Madonna floor seats at Madison Square Garden.
  • American Idol will devote less time to the early audition process this year (eg, the fun, watchable part of the show) and give more airtime to performers who make it to Hollywood. Because literally twenty weeks wasn’t enough.
  • Crooked-looking Hollywood dude Anthony Pellicano was sentenced to 15 years in jail. Apparently the judge didn’t buy his story that he was only tapping Sylvester Stallone’s phone because he’s such a devoted fan of Over The Top.
  • Owners in the Arena Football League have voted to cancel the entire 2009 Arena Football season. I guess I’ll have to put the $15 I reserved for New Orleans VooDoo season tickets towards feeding my family instead.
  • And finally, I think we have a new champion for Most Ridiculous Baby Name. Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have named their son — are you ready for this? It’s gonna blow your frickin’ mind. I don’t think you’re ready for it. Sit down, strap yourself in, and if you don’t have straps, like, pull a belt around yourself or something because my God, this is a new level of celebrity baby-naming craziness — they named their kid……..Samuel!!!!!!!

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While You Were Choosing Between Four Christmases And 30 Oscar Movies

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  • Hugh Jackman will host the 2009 Oscars. Current Vegas over/under for number of musical medleys in the Oscars broadcast this year: 5,000.
  • Amy Poehler officially left Saturday Night Live over the weekend, and let me be the first to say omy god thast shows sucxksss so much now i havent watched in 9 yars but itss so fing stupid f that show ahhhhhhh!11111!!!!!!!
  • Tom Cruise admitted when looking back at his 2005 interview with Matt Lauer, “Okay, I could have absolutely handled that better.” He added, “I guess I was just acting….rather……glib.
  • Cameron Diaz says she has no plans to appear in Shrek: The Musical on Broadway, adding “I’m perfectly fine scraping the bottom of the barrel for romantic comedy scripts that Reese Witherspoon, Kate Hudson, and Drew Barrymore all passed on, thank you very much.”
  • SPOILER ALERT: The winner of Survivor Gabon iiiiiiiiis…… Bob!!! Wait, let me back up. The show Survivor is still on the air, and the most recent cycle just concluded, and one of the contestant’s names was “Bob,” and apparently that dude won. Spoiler!!!

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While You Were Strangling Your Chocolate Head

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  • Grace Jones had some chocolate busts made of her own head to promote her new album. Is there anything that this woman does that isn’t simultaneously awesome and terrifying? No word yet on who gets to eat the heads.
  • Private Practice star Kate Walsh is getting a divorce. The reasons cited are “irreconcilable differences” but we’re pretty sure it has something to do with that incredibly annoying Cadillac commercial she did. You know, the one where the car turns her on?
  • Legendary pin-up girl Bettie Page has died at the age of 85. Classy ladies everywhere mourn the loss of what being a tasteful sex-pot was all about. All that’s left now are pictures of Carmen Electra wearing the nip-vag-kini.
  • Kinks frontman, Ray Davies, says he totally predicted the current economic meltdown. Oh we are fortune’s fool! We should have listened to him!!! Just like we should have listened to him about that lady named Lola!
  • Britain’s oldest human brain was discovered during an excavation at York University. Scientists claim the brain is over 2,000 years old. Wow. I had no idea Larry King was British! BOOM! Ahem. Sorry…happy Friday.

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While You Were Showing Brangelina Who’s Naked

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  • Jennifer Aniston showed her patriotism by wearing nothing but a red, white & blue tie on the cover of GQ. Brad is so not looking.
  • The Gossip Girl spinoff is going to revolve around the story of young Lily and Rufus, so everybody just calm down – nobody is leaving GG. So basically it’s going to be That 90′s Show? I feel old.
  • Ellen Degeneres is the newest easy breezy beautiful CoverGirl. I get it: if you want to not look like a ho and wear makeup that attracts the likes of Portia de Rossi, then CoverGirl is for you.
  • A Chilean cardinal is complaining about Madonna, saying that her concert causes “crazy enthusiasm” and “impure thoughts.” We all know what happens when people get filled with “crazy enthusiasm”!!! (They have sex with the devil.)
  • Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz have been approaching all the magazines to try and sell first photos of Bronx Mowgli – but so far, there are no takers, except for Eyeliner Baby, Horrible Baby Names Monthly, and Attention Whore Weekly.