While You Were…

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While You Were Bringing Britney Some Figgy Pudding

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  • Britney Spears and Ellen Degeneres went Christmas caroling together for Ellen’s show. Britney kept singing “All I want for Christmas is my two sons back, my two sons back…”
  • NBC has given Jay Leno a nightly show in the 10 p.m. slot. I hear they are going to call it either The Earlier Tonight Show or The Underminey Show.
  • Alex Greven, the 9-year-old who wrote the adorable How To Talk To Girls book, has been awarded a six-figure movie deal. A child star is born. Can’t wait for his book in 20 years: How To Talk To A Parole Officer.
  • Rumors are swirling that T.R. Knight, who plays George on Grey’s Anatomy, is pissed about his story line and has walked off set. Look, if being pissed about a stupid story line on Grey’s Anatomy were reason to leave, everyone would be gone.
  • Jimmy Fallon’s first vlog went up, and it’s basically just him introducing the show, the set, and his house band The Roots. Looking forward to see more of these. And um, he’s right…he’s got quite possibly the best house band in late night. Ever.
  • Online journalists can now win a Pulitzer for their work. Ahhahahem! Mr. Pulitzer, might I direct your attention to my extensive coverage of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt? I look forward to hearing from you…later this morning.

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While You Were Waking Up To Your Worst Nightmare And/Or Wettest Dream

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While You Were Awkwardly Laughing In Shock While Hiding Your Zune

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  • Just when you think that it’s quite possible Obama is some sort of miracle God sent from the heavens, we learns something about him that quickly brings him back down to our level. Example? He uses a Zune.
  • Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes an engagement ring after the first date. No word if that was before or after she signed the contract.
  • #100 on this list might be enough to make me quit the business. Then again, I’m hungover and in a bitter mood, so it could just be a phase.
  • Did I mention?: I’m pretty hungover right now. So much so that I would GLADLY eat this Gingerbread camera (and then immediately throw it all back up, but still.)
  • And it wouldn’t be a vommy Friday morning without a blind item about moobs, would it?

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While You Were Feeling Like the Honorary 9th Member of “The Real World: Brooklyn” House

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  • Lil Wayne leads off the Grammy nominations with 8 noms, while Coldplay is following close behind with 7. On the brighter side, Grammy voters finally get it right and award Katy Perry zero one nomination. Congrats to her and her fans (seen in today’s comments section)
  • Anne Heche is pregnant. As always with Anne Heche, news that would have been a million times more exciting if she was still with Ellen.
  • Jennifer Aniston has stated that she “longs” to have a baby. Note to Jennifer Aniston: The world “longs” for you to just shut up already.
  • Heidi Montag’s mother has given her marriage to Spencer Pratt six months tops. Which leads me to wonder if this woman deserves to be a member of Obama’s cabinet.
  • And in depressing news, Mark Ruffalo’s brother Scott was shot in Beverly Hills this week. No words.

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While You Were Making Mutton Chops Feel Left Out

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While You Were Being Held Internet Hostage At Your Parents’ House

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  • If you ever find yourself stranded on a desert island with nothing but a raw steak and some condoms, fear not. Because if this website is to be believed, the only words we can think of saying to you is: Enjoy your steak.
  • Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY’S BONGO DRUMS!
  • William Balfour, the main suspect in the recent brutal slaying of Jennifer Hudson’s mother, brother and nephew, has finally been arrested for the attacks. It’s times like these that you really hope everything you see on Oz is true.
  • Barack Obama proves that his first name is serious as he bought a $30,000 diamond ring for wife Michelle. In a related story, guess which future President made sweet, dirty love all night long yesterday?
  • Planning a trip to Venice? Make sure to bring your rubber flood pants and to also just go ahead and cancel your trip.

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While You Were Fighting Through Life Like The Karate Kid

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  • As though American pride could not grow any greater, now Vanity Fair puts Tina Fey on the cover dressed up like like a Patriotic Nerdgasm. If you have a spare 20 at work today, make sure to read the article.
  • SHOW OF HANDS: How many of you watched MTV’s Britney Spears’: “On The Record” documentary? (Note: Anyone not showing hands is a liar.) Now, how many of you are convinced that all of the girl’s problems stem from her father’s terrifying clown Halloween costume? Exactly. Verdict? She’s amazing.
  • Ricki Lake was quoted saying “I can’t believe I was fat”. In a related story, an 11-year-old brownie found under her porch was quoted as saying “Hellllp Meeee.”
  • Dreams, Unrealized: Whitney Houston is reportedly NOT getting back together with ex-hubby Bobby Brown. And somewhere, a doodybubble loses its wings.
  • I’ve waited years to say the following words… and here they are: Dr. Pepper, you are one dirty son of a bitch. Get out of my office.

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While You Were Doing Lots Of Really Hard, Important Work At Your Job

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  • Brooke Burke won Dancing With The Stars last night, and will receive the prize of — what do they win on that show? — dancing on the next Daughtrey album or something? Also, if you were DVRing this and I ruined it, I apologize, because that’s just generally sad.
  • Madonna and Alex Rodriguez were photographed taking a private jet together. Let’s not jump to conclusions — it’s possible that A-Rod just won backstage Madonna passes and a ride in her jet for collecting Boardwalk and Park Place in McDonald’s Monopoly.
  • SHOCKING NEWS. You are never gonna believe this. Are you sitting down? Here goes: the director of Twilight says that she’s planning on making a sequel. That’s right — the same Hollywood that sequeled The Skulls and The Whole Nine Yards is going to sequel the film that made $70 million it its opening weekend. Never saw that coming.
  • Virgin America is adding Wi-Fi to all of its flights by the middle of next year. They’ll also be unveiling a new slogan, “Sit back. Relax. Jerk off if no one’s next to you.”
  • If you didn’t know sports existed, the headline “Irish squeak past Horns in Maui thriller” would be a lot funnier.

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While You Were Not Feeling So Envious Of Obama’s New Economic Team

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  • Twilight racked up $70.6 million at the box office this weekend, crushing Bolt and a second-week Quantum of Solace. Turns out, there are a lot of teenage girls in this country.
  • Chris Brown was the big winner at the American Music Awards, snagging three prizes including Artist of the Year. Turns out, there are a lot of teenage girls in this country.
  • The government has issued a $300 billion rescue package for Citigroup including $20 billion in straight-up capital. Turns out, there are a lot of teenage girls in this country.
  • A Communist newspaper in China isn’t too happy about the album Chinese Democracy and the message it spreads to the world about the Chinese government or about how much goddamn time you can spend working on an album we don’t want anymore.
  • Bisexual twin sisters Rikki and Vikki, aka “The Ikki Twins,” will star in a Tila Tequila-spinoff reality show called “A Double Shot At Love” on MTV. The name “Double Shot At Love” was a last-minute change from its working title, “Literal Pornography.”

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While You Were Listening To Pete Wentz Screaming At You To Push

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